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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So bloody cross with my Mum.

443 replies

mioz · 03/01/2021 12:58

DM lives alone and has bubbled with my household. She came over yesterday for a cup of tea, all completely normal. She text me today to say she’s been for a COVID test as she’s had a sore throat for 3 days. I am absolutely fuming with her for putting my family at risk and for being so sneaky and not even mentioning it yesterday. How do I get past her behaviour ☹️

OP posts:

Crystalclair · 03/01/2021 13:34

And no, I would not be happy with my mum at all.

coldplayfan · 03/01/2021 13:35

I would be angry too.

It might not be an official symptom, but at the moment I would declare any cold/flu symptoms before meeting people and let the other person decide what risk they want to take. She decided what risk you should take on your behalf.

She was essentially being selfish because she wanted to see you so deliberately didn't tell you so you couldn't say you wouldn't see her. Not the behaviour I would expect from a loving parent:-(.

RaffertyBear · 03/01/2021 13:37

@Crystalclair depending on what Tier you are in, and your area, you can get tested with no symptoms. You don't need to lie.

For at least a month here now we've been advised to be tested with no symptoms.

nopeaceforthewicked · 03/01/2021 13:37

I'd be more than a bit pissed off if anyone came to my house feeling like they might be coming down with something, pandemic or not.

Why would you be so thoughtless as to risk spreading ANYTHING

MumW · 03/01/2021 13:37

Taking Covid out of the equation for a minute, if I was pregnant with a toddler then I'd be annoyed with anyone who didn't say "I've had a sore throat for a couple of days, is it still ok to come over or would you rather I waited until it's cleared up?"

Add in the facts that she felt it necessary to get a covid test and that your husband can't afford to be ill and be off work and I'd say YDNBU.

As for getting passed it, it would depend on your DM's response when I discussed why I thought she was out of order.

AmberItsACertainty · 03/01/2021 13:38

@Tyjaro75 I hope your colleague recovers ok

coldplayfan · 03/01/2021 13:38

Being pregnant and having a one year old does not make you more vulnerable to Covid-19.

Both of these do make a person higher risk for COVID complications...

JamieLeesCurtains · 03/01/2021 13:39

I had a tickly throat for several days before I thought, "hmmm..." and went and got a test

DP and I would have to lie about our symptoms, where we live, in order to get a Covid test for sore throat or a cold.

They will only test a regular member of the public if they say they have any of the three classic symptoms: high temp, new continuous cough, loss of taste/smell.

If you tell the truth and say you don't have any of these, you can't book a test.

I didn't think we were that unusual where we lived (in England)?

Awful system, especially for CEV people like me.

UnicornAndSparkles · 03/01/2021 13:39

You can get a covid test for a sore throat; I logged a sore throat on the zoe covid app and was offered a test. Apparently a sore throat and cold are two of the less frequent signs, or the "symptomless" covid, so there is research going into those in particular.

When we had a childcare bubble I always let my parents know ASAP if we had any symptoms and needed to test, inc sore throats, and we then didn't see them. So I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, but it may be best to make clear to your mum what you expect from her if this happens again, as she may not have realised.

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2021 13:39

Also Covid is not that dangerous for younger people like you, even if you are pregnant

What a stupid and crass thing for to say, no wonder rates are spiralling with this stupid attitude around. The problem with this virus is it can kill anyone of any age without any underlying health conditions and thars what makes it so scary.

pelosi · 03/01/2021 13:40

I had COVID and a sore throat was a symptom so YANBU OP.

She’s been very sneaky. You need to let her know that what she did was wrong.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 03/01/2021 13:40

Currently, I would declare any symptom of ANYTHING before seeing people, so YANBU for feeling annoyed at her for not telling you about the sore throat.

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 13:40

@mioz

Is this representative of your relationship? That she crosses your boundaries and you seethe in silence?

Basically, yes!

That's why she's done it then. She's used to crossing your boundaries without repercussions. And she's willing to do it even when she knows there's a risk to your health. I think you need to explain to her what your boundaries are, otherwise she'll just keep doing it, and turn up to see your newborn, conveniently forgetting to mention her high temperature, or something.

It's an unhealthy relationship and it's not your fault because she will have been doing this all your life, so it's all you know. It is, however, your responsibility to put a stop to it, now that you know that she's comfortable putting your health at risk.

Belladonna12 · 03/01/2021 13:41

I would be really annoyed. She should have told you she had a sore throat so you could make your minds up about whether you wanted to see her. I get that not everyone realises sore throat can be a symptom (although perhaps they should educate themselves) but she obviously does or she wouldn't have got tested. Even if it wasn't a symptom of Covid I would be pissed off actually.

pelosi · 03/01/2021 13:41

@tttigress

Maybe she doesn't have Covid?

Also Covid is not that dangerous for younger people like you, even if you are pregnant.

And the award for the stupidest comment goes to this one.

CustardySergeant · 03/01/2021 13:41

@giantangryrooster

What strange responses.

If she felt bad enough to have a test, surely she should have told you and stayed away, common courtesy - bubble or not.

Exactly. I think she should've erred on the side of caution and stayed away from the OP if she felt she might've contracted Covid. In fact whatever the cause of her sore throat she should've cared enough about her daughter and her household not to risk passing it on. Not to have stayed away when she wasn't well seems uncaring and selfish to me.

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 13:41

You’re absolutely right OP she was naughty and slack. Even if there were no pandemic she should have told you she had a sore throat just out of common courtesy.

It’s no wonder the virus levels are through the roof again given the general attitude of posters on this thread.

Jenasaurus · 03/01/2021 13:42

I am shocked by some of these responses. Even before COVID my parents would have stayed away if they were feeling unwell and may pass on a nasty sore throat or bug on to another family memeber, its a kind thing to do. A cup of tea with her pregnant daughter wasnt essential, she felt ill, surely she should have said "im feeling not well today, dont want to pass it on to you or my GC so will take a rain check on the cup of tea"

Chocowally · 03/01/2021 13:42

How frustrating for you OP.

DH had covid in October and as soon as he felt unwell he told me and we socially distanced in our house and I managed not to get it (or not test positive at least). Worth trying to keep everyone in your household/bubble illness free.

Explain your concerns to her (avoiding illness/quarantine for work purposes?). People are often unable to see past their own immediate situation especially at the moment.

LightDrizzle · 03/01/2021 13:43

I would be very angry. I can’t imagine doing the same in her shoes and she’d be out of my bubble for good.

Does she have a history of selfishness?
Also have you challenged her on this at all? I am wondering what her justification is.

reallyagain · 03/01/2021 13:43

Covid aside.....

I have always thought but the height of bad manners for people to choose to be in close proximity to others when they know they have a cold/sore throat Etc etc. Why knowingly choose to pass on these viruses. whether it's Covid or not. I just dont get it.

IndieTara · 03/01/2021 13:44

NHS told me to get a test when I and my daughter had a sore throat and bad headache, I thought we had tonsillitis. Turned out mine was covid. No cough or loss of taste or smell

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 13:45

@LagunaBubbles

Also Covid is not that dangerous for younger people like you, even if you are pregnant

Quite apart from the fact that risk of death from Covid is 70% higher in pregnant than non pregnant women; having to deliver a baby to a mother with Covid puts everyone on the medical team at risk as the mothers and birth partners are not required to wear masks. (In my obstetrician friend’s hospital at least, I don’t know if it’s the same across the board).

YourNutsMeLord · 03/01/2021 13:46

I think it perfectly possible to have a low level slightly nagging ache for a couple of days but it not register at the front of your mind until it's persistence forces you to.

e.g. I get pre-menstrual flu and almost every month I only "realise" I've been feeling slightly achey and flu-ey after I've been feeling like that for a few days (and then know my period is coming).

I could imagine a siutation where a sore throat has just been a low level nag that, by the 3rd day of persistence, only then becomes a real concern.

Notcontent · 03/01/2021 13:47

There are some strange responses on this thread.

The truth is that the symptoms of Covid are quite varied. Given there is a pandemic on, the sensible thing to do is disclose all your symptoms to anyone you are planning to meet up with so that person can make an informed decision about whether they think there is a risk or not!!

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