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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting sex at ridiculous times?!

233 replies

legalseagull · 03/01/2021 09:17

AIBU at being really pissed off at DH. It's not even 9am and yet he's come in to the bedroom with a brew (it's my turn for a lay in whilst he's got up with the 1yo and 3yo) Coffee is appreciated but he then immediately says "have a sip and perk yourself up 'wink wink'" Apparently the toddlers are downstairs plonked in front of the tv and he wants a quickie.
He doesn't think that's inappropriate or dangerous at all. They're not 9/10, the youngest is one year old!
Obviously I said no and he went off in a huff. He'll no doubt be feeling sorry for himself that I'm boring and he doesn't get enough.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 03/01/2021 11:54

Perk yourself up jesus christ what does that even entail?? 😅 hes an arsehole for putting his dick needs above two very young children's safety. I'd let him sulk.

Joiningthegossip · 03/01/2021 11:56

@MacDuffsMuff

Thanks for thinking my quote was from an 18th century novel, I shall take it as a compliment

Please do @Joiningthegossip, it made me smile. 😁

you and me both, enjoy your day! Grin
BigFatLiar · 03/01/2021 11:57

As others have said with little ones around its not appropriate to be having sex. Tell him you'll consider it when they go to secondary school if he behaves himself and you think he has earned it.

Mumsnet seems divided between those who think a 'maintenance shag' helps keep a relationship going and those who think sex is something a man gets as a reward.

NataliaOsipova · 03/01/2021 12:04

Mumsnet seems divided between those who think a 'maintenance shag' helps keep a relationship going and those who think sex is something a man gets as a reward.

I know you were joking, but that’s actually very insightful....

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 12:10

@Joiningthegossip

Yes it was an inappropriate time whilst your children are downstairs but just say no and leave it as that is what I'm getting at. Why does it need to be on MN

It needs to be on MN because OP wanted to make a thread about it. She has said no, and wants to know what to do about the fact that there are repercussions to this.

Why does your opinion' point of view need to be on MN? It's no more or less valid than OP's, is it?

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 12:11

opinion/point of view

Norwester · 03/01/2021 12:11

The biggest problem here is that he thought it was okay to leave a 1 and a 3 year old alone. Completely unsupervised. Which means he's an untrustworthy parent.

GypsyLee · 03/01/2021 12:14

Tell him you'll book him some parenting classes as leaving the kids on their own is unsafe.
I'd be more worried about his parenting than asking for sex.

Butterymuffin · 03/01/2021 12:17

If it's her turn for a lie in, it's his turn to be downstairs parenting. He's on duty, she has time to herself. So by coming up and pressuring her for sex, he's undermined that, because now she's supposed to be catering to what he wants to do (regardless of whether she usually enjoys sex with him or not) instead of sleeping in, and he's getting laid and not doing the childcare he's supposed to be doing. Selfish.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 03/01/2021 12:25

@legalseagull

I'm going down now. No doubt he'll be sat with a face like thunder. He won't see it S wrong at all. It'll be "urgh I was only asking. Am I not meant to ask now"
The answer to that is "You're meant to show some basic adult common sense and not ask for sex at times when it obviously means leaving our children in a potentially unsafe situation, and you're also meant not to sulk when that's pointed out to you."
sima74 · 03/01/2021 12:36

Kinda like morning sex myselfBlush. After a wash ofcourse. But I can fully understand why you wouldn’t be happy to oblige with a 1 yr old unsupervised. Do you have a baby monitor with a camera? So handy when they are little.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 12:39

So he disrupted OP's lie in, putting his wants above her needs and encroaching on her rest time.

He left a 1 year old and a 3 year old alone, two flights of stairs away just so he could have sex.

He sulks when OP says no.

And some posters still see nothing wrong with this?

Some women really have incredibly low standards when it comes to men.

StormcloakNord · 03/01/2021 12:43

I think I'd have vommed at "perk yourself up". Gross!!

Crankley · 03/01/2021 12:54

Shehasadiamondinthesky
Yet another revolting sex pest.

My own thoughts exactly. I don't think anything could put me off sex more than a sex pest. Kills the libido stone dead.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2021 13:04

'Some people have incredibly low standards when it comes to men.'

You're spot on, but I don't think they see it like that yet. I was one of those women ten years ago. But I saw it as being a really cool wife, far better than any of my friends who wouldn't 'let' their husbands get away with stuff. I was wrong.

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 13:16

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

So he disrupted OP's lie in, putting his wants above her needs and encroaching on her rest time.

He left a 1 year old and a 3 year old alone, two flights of stairs away just so he could have sex.

He sulks when OP says no.

And some posters still see nothing wrong with this?

Some women really have incredibly low standards when it comes to men.

Yes. I'm baffled by those saying 'But morning sex is fine. I like it!' as if that's the issue here. I'm not disagreeing with them - many people enjoy morning sex, but they seem to have dismissed OP's perosnal needs and boundaries, just like her husband has.
BeeDavis · 03/01/2021 13:26

I mean this wouldn’t bother me, at all. Why do you want unnecessary tension in your relationship? I get woken at 3am for sex, it’s exciting and spontaneous. Next thing you’ll he posting that you think he’s cheating on you.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 03/01/2021 13:39

@BeeDavis

I mean this wouldn’t bother me, at all. Why do you want unnecessary tension in your relationship? I get woken at 3am for sex, it’s exciting and spontaneous. Next thing you’ll he posting that you think he’s cheating on you.
So by your logic a woman should be raring to go no matter where, when, or in what circumstances, and if she isn't, it's her fault if her partner cheats on her? Absolute bullshit.
Eckhart · 03/01/2021 13:42

@BeeDavis

Why do you want unnecessary tension in your relationship

OP isn't causing tension, her husband is. OP is saying no to sex when she doesn't want it. Should she change this?

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/01/2021 13:44

This all depends on how your sex life is generally.
If you are evenly initating sex on a regular basis than YANBU to say you dont want it , but if he has to consistently requested and you are normally rejecting, than I assume it is not surprising he walked off in a huff.
Also tell him when you are looking after the kids you dont leave them for a second (better still he should know that from experience) and that he should do the same.

Haggertyjane · 03/01/2021 13:46

@sima74 Jesus! Are you seriously suggest OP looks at a baby monitor of her tiny children while she is having sex? What a passion killer.

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 13:50

[quote Haggertyjane]@sima74 Jesus! Are you seriously suggest OP looks at a baby monitor of her tiny children while she is having sex? What a passion killer. [/quote]
It's worse than lying back and thinking of England.

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 13:53

@Cheeseandwin5

This all depends on how your sex life is generally. If you are evenly initating sex on a regular basis than YANBU to say you dont want it , but if he has to consistently requested and you are normally rejecting, than I assume it is not surprising he walked off in a huff. Also tell him when you are looking after the kids you dont leave them for a second (better still he should know that from experience) and that he should do the same.
No no no! WTF? Walking off and sulking is never the right way to deal with a relationship issue. And OP should not have to manage her husband's behaviour regarding childcare.

You're putting the responsibility for his behaviour squarely at OP's door, when she needs to be making sure he knows it's his.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 14:05

@BeeDavis

I mean this wouldn’t bother me, at all. Why do you want unnecessary tension in your relationship? I get woken at 3am for sex, it’s exciting and spontaneous. Next thing you’ll he posting that you think he’s cheating on you.
So instead you should just have sex even if you don't want it? There's a name for that...

There's also a name for men who are more than happy to have sex with a passive, obviously not into it woman.

Can't see any decent man enjoying that at all ,not just the act itself but also making the woman they proclaim to love feel like that.

Original poster
legalseagull · 03/01/2021 14:08

@BeeDavis

I mean this wouldn’t bother me, at all. Why do you want unnecessary tension in your relationship? I get woken at 3am for sex, it’s exciting and spontaneous. Next thing you’ll he posting that you think he’s cheating on you.
So what do you suggest? Avoid tension by just agreeing to leave the kids (baby) alone whilst I have sex that I don't want?
OP posts:
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