I'm f**c*d aren't I

[Vanlady]

So tomorrow I hope to drink my last bottle of wine (yes, bottle). Slipped into the typical wine drinking mum mode about 20 years ago. As a nurse I've picked up a few tricks, avoid the itchiness caused by toxins building in your body un processed by your liver , by taking a daily anti - histamine,combat the depression by taking anti depressants and generally stick a smile on your face. Drink 4 bottles of wine weekly and ignore everything else but I can't hide the symptoms any more, my nails have terrys syndrome (alcoholic liver disease symptoms) no one has noticed but me and they are getting worse. Mum to an adult with moderate LD and have a 30 Yr plus happy marriage. Aibu to think I can turn this around at such a late stage or should I prepare them for the fact I will die soon

I think it's up to you, @Vanlady

Do you want to be f**ked or do you want to get better?

You are definitely not fucked but don't do it alone.

Please, if you listen to just one thing, know you CAN turn this around. As a nurse you will know that the ability of the liver to regenerate when close to cirrhosis is incredible.

Make an appointment with your GP ASAP. Really recommend the books:

Alcohol explained by William porter and how to control your drinking by alan carr (title is a bit misleading- it advocates abstinence, not moderation btw).

Its NOT too late. You have a window of opportunity here to take a different path. Please gather up your courage and take it.

Good luck.

Of course it's not too late. I am also a nurse and had to do an inpatient detox for alcohol. I was drinking a lot more than you are now. I also had disturbing symptoms and my liver enzymes were rubbish. That was in 1994 and I've had a perfectly happy, healthy life since then.

See your GP. Go private if you have to. And get into an outpatient peer support program. You have a treatable disease.

If you are a Facebook user come and join us at The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober group (unofficial). We are a global community of over 25k all at varying stages of a sober life. Some love AA, others have used medication. My personal favourite was a simple book called Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck. I was drinking more than you and here I am almost two years on with normal liver function and a much better life than I could have ever dreamt of.
Life still has its stresses and strains but my worst day sober is still a million times better than my best day when I was still drinking.
You can do this. There is hope 🙏

You can definitely definitely do this! But you don't have to do it alone.

Lots of sensible advice up thread but please do call your GP. As well as support with your drinking, it’s really important to get your LFTs etc checked and get a liver USS ordered. I would be hesitant to assume all your symptoms are certainly due to your drinking so make sure there’s nothing else being missed. Also your liver has a huge capacity to repair itself to a point - you would be hugely unlucky to have reached the point of irreversible cirrhosis by drinking 40-45 units / week.

Hello OP!

I'd say you're (to mis-quote Russell Brand) only a bit fucked. If you'd like to be less fucked, here's what I'd recommend:

• go to GP about the nails; I was doing 90 units a week and didn't have any liver symptoms so it may be something else
• self refer to the local NHS Community Drug and Alcohol Service: it sounds dead scary but they were FANTASTIC. You can do it all as an outpatient
• get a B Vitamin complex down you
• join the Zoom SMART recovery meetings. There's one every day and you don't have to turn your camera on or say a word if you don't want to, plenty don't. Come tonight with me at 6.30? smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/
• join the long running sober thread on MN, everyone on there is in a variation of the same boat www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4117520-Leave-alcohol-behind-and-re-learn-your-life-The-freedom-thread
• get reading/listening to quit lit, it really helps to realise how common our troubles are: This Naked Mind, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, Alcohol Lied to Me are good places to start
• go very gentle on yourself to start with. Tell everyone you've got a big and just lie low and take it moment by moment.
• ask for help and take advice

Finally try to believe me when I say you have the capacity to astonish yourself: alcohol dependency has been described as the disease of terminal uniqueness; we all think we're the one that's too uniquely complex/damaged/weak to recover. That's your brain being damaged by addiction lying to you - I thought I'd never ever be able to quit. Impossible. And here I am 7 months later! Please try and seek help and don't rationalise away these feelings by the fact others have said they drink a similar amount. You're preparing taking action and that's a great thing....get going, good luck and PM me any time

You're not fucked at all.

See how you get on with this last bottle of wine.

If you can't stop or find it incredibly hard going, there are AA Zoom meetings online almost 24 hours a day at the moment somewhere in the world. Also F2F meetings depending on where you are.

You are not fucked, as PP have said, 4 bottles of wine in a week is a lot, but it’s not that much. My OH drinks a minimum of a bottle a day, for as long as I can remember. I’ve been sober for 3 years and have never felt better.
You can do this OP, you really can.
Good luck x

It is not too late to turn things around. Noticing you have a problem is a very important first step. Well done for doing that. Next you need to find support and help to keep making progress. Your doctor and an online support group could be helpful. Good luck.

Sorry. I voted YABU mistakenly. I totally think you can do this. Good luck.

Today is my 1,000th sober day. I was drinking a similar amount when I stopped. I read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (started it in the bath with a glass of wine) and that was my last drink. It was like a switch flicked, and that was it. It isn't always easy, but it's been transformational for me. I didn't realise how bad my mental health was as a result of drinking, let alone my physical health. Here if you need anything.

Don't underestimate the psychological impact of 'knowing too much'.

I have a fatty liver and am under a consultant on 6 monthly checks. Following my initial referral for high liver enzymes (picked up by chance in a routine blood test) I googled the fuck out of it, then tried to put it out of my mind. But by the time I had my first liver scan I was convinced I was dying because my symptoms had escalated in the previous 3 months. I was having horrendous itching that would leave me raw, among other things.

Except...my liver wasn't all that bad when I had my first scan. Not perfect and I have a special diet to follow, minimum alcohol etc.. but certainly not bad enough to be the cause of my awful symptoms. My consultant very diplomatically told me that it's amazing just how physical symptoms can feel when they're actually caused by psychological distress.

Anyway, obviously work on your alcohol intake. But in the meantime go to your GP for bloods to assess your liver enzymes and get referred to your local liver unit. There's no point in burying your head in the sand. Even if it's not great news, ime the liver specialists are fantastic and will monitor you closely and give you specific, targeted advice on how to improve your liver health.

You are not fucked, and you can do it.

My advice would be to think of what you want, what is dear to you, your hopes and dreams for the future. Make a list. Buy some jewellery or something to represent these things. These are what will carry you through the difficult times. Desire to live will keep you strong. Fear and despair will not sustain you through the toughest days - the temptation to give up and surrender is so much more overpowering when you feel hopeless. Find your hope, and nothing can stop you xxx

Have been thinking about you and remembered a (Chinese?) proverb that has helped me whenever I feel like it might be too late to accomplish something ... "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

Of course you can turn it around! I was drinknig far more than you, and now I don't drink anything!

Listen to Allen Carr's Easyway To Control Drinking on audiobook. Follow all his instructions. Your life will be transformed!

Get help now.

You have a family and an important job, you have everything to live for.

Practice real self care, cook healthy meals. go for a run or home work out, have a bath, try meditating.

I know people on the other side of addiction, they are wonderful, wise people full of life and gratitude for being alive.

You can make the change but it’ll be hard. So sorry to read this. I think the reasons you drink are “reasonable”. The nursing profession is bloody hard (even before Covid) and I too have an adult Don with asd and LD. He is my constant worry. His future when I’m gone. My wine consumption is related directly to that.

Please seek advice from you GP.

Sending you a virtual hug and

Adult son 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not medical but I understand the liver is good at recovering if you are kind to it. I guess the big thing is to get help to stop drinking. I'm not sure what you need to do then to help your liver but I'm sure you can get support with that.

Good luck, I'm sure you can do this you sound a very resourceful person.

This might sound like rubbish advice..but it was a tip I got from the Alan Carr book (about stopping drinking). When you feel that devil on your shoulder (the drink devil) whispering to you and giving you the 5pm itch...swipe it off with your hand and say loudly 'fuck off'. I know, sounds strange, bit it does work for me. As long as no one is around...

Swipe the devil off your shoulder with a 'fuck off'.

Speak to your GP, there are certain high dose vitamins recommended when detoxing from alcohol.

Thanks for all the supportive messages. The four bottles tends to be over the weekend rather than every night so it's really binge drinking and over a long period of time, 20 +years. When you listen to experts they state that this type of drinking is more harmful than having a glass or two a day. That's my concern however I'm going to take all positives from the comments to spur me on. Thanks all.

You're fucked if you don't stop. You know two things:

1. The liver can recover, even from serious abuse.
2. Women in general cannot survive as much alcohol abuse as men.

Thinking you're going to die soon is an excuse to keep drinking. Shake it off.

So the best time to start is now. On my 'last day' I actually chose not to drink. I was seriously ill and going to see the GP the next day. I knew I could drink and it wouldn't really make any difference to the outcome, but it mattered to me. You can decide whether or not to drink today, but if you're planning to try and stop in secret, I can guarantee the decision you make today will shape how you get on.

However, my top tips would be:

1. Do not try and stop in secret. Speak to your GP. If she/he wants blood tests doing, do them. (You also know that the bloods can come back looking relatively normal even when the damage is quite severe).
2. Do not try and stop in secret. Tell your friends you are stopping. You can call it Dry January to start off with, or One Year No Beer.
3. Do not try and stop in secret. Seek help. The right form of help is up to you.

And then beyond that - make sure you anticipate your triggers. Be watchful for them, plan ahead. They may be unexpected. (As I've said on here many times, one of mine was getting off the bus, because I associated it with getting home from work, which meant it was wine o'clock). Keep your hands busy - crafting, gaming, something to occupy you to stop you getting bored and restless.

For me the book that helped me was this one. Get one of the ones you've been recommended today, on Kindle (you don't need an actual Kindle device to read one) and you can make a start.

It is impossible to regret giving up alcohol. You might think 'oh I missed out on x' or 'y would have been more enjoyable' but in the fundamentals, in the things that make your life, none of them are better because of alcohol.

This is hard work but it's better than dying of alcoholic liver disease.