Ds (13) sobbing uncontrollably about lack of hobbies and talents - where have gone wrong

[looseddaughter]

Ds1 (13) has just gone to bed after a good 90 mins of ranting and sobbing over his perceived lack of hobbies and talents. He was as upset as I have ever seen him and it was horrible.

It started as I told him he'd had enough laptop for the day when he said he was going to his room and he said there was nothing else to do and it spiralled from there. We have had a pretty shit holiday in the sense that we've been in most days (isolated for a week and then obviously not a lot you can do in tier 4) so I don't know if there's an element of boredom after having been pent up but it did seem deeper.

He keep saying whatever he does there are 'people 10 steps ahead of me,' and 'I just want a hobby I can do that I'm good at and enjoy...a talent.' This was all through sobs. To be honest, it's true that he doesn't really have a hobby. He loves reading but only ever wants to do it just before bed, obviously enjoys his laptop and is a history fanatic so uses it for research, documentaries and history- based computer games. He doesn't do lego, likes the odd boardgame and doesn't do any sport except cricket, which was a nightmare last season as despite doing brilliantly in training he had a few nightmare games and did silly things like running himself out. I know he felt shit at the end of the season.

I think he tends to give up on things as soon as they're difficult. He bought some figures, again, history based, last year that needed painting and after the initial enthusiasm he got fed up of how fiddly it was and left it. Same thing happened with model making a couple of years ago. He got really into cycling last year but then seemed to just go right off it - not really sure why. He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness. It doesn't help that he seems quite limited socially, even Covid aside, and despite having friends in school and telling me about them he rarely interacts with them outside school. Before lockdown never went out with them unless it was a party and now rarely online with them.

He's academically able and in top sets for everything with a real flair I'd say for English and humanities. I don't know if this is part of the problem as in a lot of things come quite easily to him then when something doesn't he just stops. He plays clarinet but has no real enthusiasm for it and moans endlessly about practising but insists he wants to carry on when I ask. Today he was crying about making no progress in it and I did explain (nicely) that he does the bare minimum practice so what does he expect? I was trying to say people with 'talents' or hobbies are prepared to spend hours on them and that's how they get good, which he doesn't do really, aside from cricket, which still didn't go well. He asked for a guitar last year but again had no interest in it really and it has barely been touched for months.

Earlier we'd watched a French crime drama with subtitles because he loves the genre and I casually suggested it as I like them and he's doing French at school. He's in Y9 and getting what the school call 'grades 7-9', so doing really well. However, he got really upset and said he couldn't hear any of the words he was supposed to know. I tried to explain that was to be expected but he kept saying how hard it was then mentioned a boy in his class who gets full marks every time and has apparently read LOTR in French.

I just don't know how to handle this. On the one hand I obviously don't want to pressure him and don't want him comparing himself to others in an unhealthy way, but on the other hand I kind of do think a hobby would do him good and have often felt he could do with sticking at things a bit more but I don't know how to approach it. Cricket is the thing he has devoted most time and energy to and, as I said, it doesn't really seem to have paid off. I was also trying to get across that hobbies aren't necessarily about excelling at something but are about enjoyment, but I think that's hard for him to get, especially where sport is concerned.

I also feel the usual guilt as his dad and I are divorced and I feel that disadvantages him because of living between two houses etc. Dad is a musician but has never got involved with the music practice and I feel ds is keeping it on to please his dad but also won't ask him for help. I don't really have hobbies, or not ones that are active - just things like reading, watching films, travel... not things where I actually do anything so not a good role model. Don't know - feel we have let him down and really don't know how to help.

I voted YABU btw. You haven’t let your ds down.

@whoamongstus

This might be way off base, but does he show any signs of ADHD?

I only ask as my OH has bouts of interest in new hobbies, then his ADHD takes over (he can't practice it due to executive dysfunction, falls behind or fails to progress, his self esteem plummets, he's even less likely to do it, drops it, feels shit about himself).

He's very bright and capable, but (when he's unmedicated) unless he gets that dopamine hit of being good at it or getting it or doing it right (delete as appropriate for that hobby), it inevitably ends up being really difficult for him to focus on or even start doing. He hates it about himself and it leads to a lot of feelings of unworthiness as he sees others in these hobbies improving and he feels incapable of even doing it.

Might be worth exploring - or it could be something completely different, please ignore if so! ☺️

I was going to ask this. I have ADHD and am 47 and have never had a hobby or anything I've stuck at. I also used to play instruments that I never practiced. Can never stick at anything long enough to get good at it. It's very frustrating.

The love of research resonates too. ADHDers are great researchers as our minds make loads of connections and we love the dopamine hit of internet research in particular. We can spend hours and hours getting lost in the internet researching random shit! I am actually desperately trying to get into genealogy at the moment as I really want a hobby and it feeds into that love of research. Going well so far so keep your fingers crossed for me!!

May be worth looking in to but there would be other signs/symptoms too (note that he does not have to be hyperactive- there are three types of adhd).

I think personal challenges are good in these circumstances, so he can't compare himself with others. For example, a martial art where he works through the 'belts'. Then he's just at a stage in his journey rather than competing in a race. Or collecting something or doing something like geocaching where you just have to try to find the caches. Aim for 'personal bests' not 'bests'. I have a very clever 12 year old too, who is just learning that the world is full of very clever 12 year olds and he just has to do things he enjoys and make the most of his opportunities.

I suspect a good deal of this is hormones. It will pass, eventually.

But TBH, I think screen-time in general makes this sort of thing worse. It's easy and while doing it, it's soothing and distracting. Games and such give a lot of positive feedback without real work. But then other things, like music practise, can't compare - it's more work for less frequent rewards - it takes years to become competent at an instrument to the point where playing is really satisfying and fun. Sports are hard work and there are real set-backs. But learning that is part of their value.

Plus there is the time element - you can't have skills if you don't spend the time.

The other thing is, the fact that the meltdown happened after being limited can be a sign of screen dependence.

I'd look at reducing screen time really significantly for a while. Also regular sleep, exercise, and meals can help with the hormonal stuff, at least as much as anything can.

My DS14 is very proud of his DIY skills, and is the self-appointed DIY expert for anything that needs fixing in our house. It's not a traditional hobby as such, but it clearly helps his self esteem, and his friends think it's quite cool.

He also has turned out to be very good at interacting with the younger children next door in lockdown - again has been great for self-esteem.

I bought mine paintball guns at this age. Never signed them up to anything but built a shooting gallery in back yard and let them go to the woods. Within a month all their mates had them too so it was great for them, no real skill involved and they got outside a lot. The paint washed off with water so no damage to the house or yard. They really got into it and asked to go to events etc which I took them to and much fun was had by all. Laser tag is also good. Also did airsoft guns but I have a huge basement they set up as an indoor range ( 15 years later Im still finding those bloody airsoft pellets). They developed the skills on their own, one being a crack shot, the other being crap but loved it and had fun anyways

I've not read all of the responses so apologies if already suggested, but what about geocaching?

Paleography?

It is a marketable skill too

www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/help-with-your-research/reading-old-documents/

My immediate thought was ADHD too. This is still a relatively misunderstood condition that people think has to do with not being able to focus and running around like on a sugar high. In reality, the sudden bursts of enthusiasm for a new thing and then dropping it, combined with the frustration at not being able to find what you are looking for is making me think it could be that. Lots of people shift from hobby to hobby, but the way your DS is doing and the way he's expressing his disappointment/frustration, that's just textbook ADHD. It could just be lockdown and hormones and his age, but if your DS is always like this then it could be worth looking into. The social situation you mention also sounds really familiar.

Oh, something I'd add about stuff like music.

Very few adults who play well were entirely self-motivated as children. A few were but that is really unusual. Most need not only practise reminders, but some structure built around it, even if there is some whining and pushback. There is a tendency to think kids who aren't self motivated about practise are just not interested, but IME that is not true. Some people don't carry on with music but most adults who do continue and love it wouldn't have without parents making sure practise happened.

It's not usually until the teen years that they become more able to discipline themselves to achieve what they want.

Rather than trying to be excellent at one skill, I would teach him a variety of things that will be useful to know in adult life.
So basic chess, draughts, card games (rummy, blackjack,poker), identifying trees, leaves, flowers (especially when out on walks), learn how to use a compass and map.

Create ball skill games in the garden, to sharpen his aim.

Print out a map of the U.K., and he has to learn the counties, where the major cities are.
Countries of Europe etc. ‘Sporcle’ is great for that.

What about cooking? You don't need to have a long attention span and you get fairly quick returns on your work (if part of his issue is that he's getting bored quickly).

There are all sorts of historical inspired recipes or even book/TV series inspired recipe books thay he could try - it may not be a hobby as such for him, but might be a fun thing to try and make a dish from a period of history that interests him or a TV show he likes.

I really feel for your son, Op and agree with much of what pp have said.

I think a lot of it is down to his age, he's moving from childhood into adolescence and redefining his identity a bit, while not really knowing what it is yet. Times of reinvention happen at various points in life (as I'm sure you know!) and aren't always easy as they cause us to look at who we perceive ourselves to be vs who we are.

Incidentally, self esteem is the difference between these two perceptions!

I also think genealogy could be fun for him - Ancestry.com may well be doing new year offers atm. Also British newspaper archive online is a fascinating resource. Maybe start sharing family stories with him and ask him to find out a few things, like marriage and death dates, addresses etc to give him a purpose and see where it goes.

I'd perhaps ask him to do this and see if he gets stuck into it rather than suggesting it as a new hobby so he doesn't feel (perceive) pressured and see if his interest grows organically.

As a pp said, futurelearn is another great idea.

Maybe he could create a blog writing about history he's interested in? Not as formal as a book and he can do as much or as little as he wants.

I'd also point out a few things and apologies if I'm repeating anything other pp have said:

I didnt have hobbies apart from reading, the odd computer game at that age. But throughout teens there's such pressure to declare your hobbies! I'd make up a few when I needed to for various applications or UCAS. I tried many different things but not til my 20s and now 30s did I discover hobbies that I enjoyed enough so that I was compelled to stick with them!

He's still a kid, the world is his oyster and so much to explore - he doesn't need it figured out yet.

True, success is down less to ability and more to persistence but some interests are just stepping stones that eventually lead us to passions. They also wax and wane over time. It's completely normal.

He must be bored stiff and everything else due to the continual lockdowns. I think its cathartic he could have a meltdown and now you know how he feels and what he's worried about. Not being able to go anywhere makes it near impossible to start new hobbies outside the home.

So, housebound things he can try...
Cooking, baking
Woodwork, craft
Electrical
Gardening, DIY
Knitting, crochet
Art
Something to keep his mind occupied and from which you can get a sense of achievement from having created something is important right now for all of us.

Tbh he sounds a creative type and his persistence in searching for a hobby will pay off in time, when he finds the right one (and the right one for the right time - they can change).

I also hated - and still do - well meant interested enquires to how my interests progressed, so I'd introduce things and let him get on with it. I also find I lose complete interest in anything I'm writing as soon as I tell ppl about it!

He'll get there, tell him from us he's completely normal and he has his whole life to explore - he doesn't need to get any of it together by a certain age :)

Place marking for later as this is such an interesting thread

P.s. chess.com

What about school debating, golf, dinghy sailing, jazz music...?

Awww, just give him a big old hug. He’s 13, he’s hormonal and he’s going through the worst possible thing any Western World teen has gone through in years. Just as an FYI though, it’s a viral “thing” right now to find your “thing” in quarantine. My son taught himself to play classical piano and I had absolutely no idea he had any talent at all. My son is 16 though and I’d hate to think of 13 year olds watching the same SM and then knocking themselves down. Because there is SO much difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. Can I give him a hug too?!

I have a 12yo who got upset in the same way (pre-covid)
The things that have helped are karate classes and swimming lessons. Each has grades to advance through and certificates for achievement. Sometimes I have to insist he goes, but it's helped a bit with confidence.

And the coolest kids in my kids’ (American) school ALL play chess and can solve the Rubiks Cube in seconds. So something else to think of.

Is he arty? I bought a big lump of air drying clay in the first lockdown and everyone had a go at making something. It was fun for the session, but it didn't inspire any artists in my tribe.

There's a brilliant app called The Room (pocket). It's a free to try app and a bit like an escape room puzzle but you need to use logic and it becomes quite absorbing - definitely uses the brain. I know if I asked my DS if he'd like to download it, he'd probably not have bothered so I downloaded it and then asked him to help me with it. We've bought the full game now.

DS and I always have a TVs series on the go together. I use it when I see he seems a bit edgy or at a loss. Just a half hour on the settee together can be really useful. It use it as a chance to chat about issues that come up. We've just watched Atypical together, which was a refreshing change from all the vampire tosh I've watched.

I think lots of teenagers are a bit unsettled due to Covid, plus bored and lonely at times.

*The other thing is, the fact that the meltdown happened after being limited can be a sign of screen dependence.

I'd look at reducing screen time really significantly for a while. Also regular sleep, exercise, and meals can help with the hormonal stuff, at least as much as anything can.*

I agree with this. Sometimes big emotions in children stem from smaller issues - poor quality sleep, listlessness, boredom. All day on a screen isn’t working for him right now.

There’s a lot of focus on children “living the dream” and “finding their passion” and some seem to think it should just find them, without the hours of practise and self-motivation that’s required.

In the meantime, I agree that a focus on things like cooking, gardening etc will be useful. There will be a sense of achievement and a discrete task accomplished.

One of the best things I did with my daughters was a family mixed martial arts class. We all loved it.

I second the brilliant idea of a drum kit.

Also chess - there are chess apps that allow for graded learning and also playing against real life players.

Also wrt this:
I'm always working or doing housework just to keep it ticking over and I'm just not that active. I do interact a lot with kids, but not in a productive way I feel!
Can you bake? Teach him to bake if yes. Or learn to bake together.
Maybe get a grill and have him learn to BBQ?

My DS loved military history, so we often discussed the ins and outs of various WW2 tanks and artillery. I had to do a good deal of homework to keep up my end of the conversation. He also loved LOTR. DS (only boy, me and exH divorced) felt he had found someone with an interest in what he liked. A win win.