Ds (13) sobbing uncontrollably about lack of hobbies and talents - where have gone wrong

[looseddaughter]

Ds1 (13) has just gone to bed after a good 90 mins of ranting and sobbing over his perceived lack of hobbies and talents. He was as upset as I have ever seen him and it was horrible.

It started as I told him he'd had enough laptop for the day when he said he was going to his room and he said there was nothing else to do and it spiralled from there. We have had a pretty shit holiday in the sense that we've been in most days (isolated for a week and then obviously not a lot you can do in tier 4) so I don't know if there's an element of boredom after having been pent up but it did seem deeper.

He keep saying whatever he does there are 'people 10 steps ahead of me,' and 'I just want a hobby I can do that I'm good at and enjoy...a talent.' This was all through sobs. To be honest, it's true that he doesn't really have a hobby. He loves reading but only ever wants to do it just before bed, obviously enjoys his laptop and is a history fanatic so uses it for research, documentaries and history- based computer games. He doesn't do lego, likes the odd boardgame and doesn't do any sport except cricket, which was a nightmare last season as despite doing brilliantly in training he had a few nightmare games and did silly things like running himself out. I know he felt shit at the end of the season.

I think he tends to give up on things as soon as they're difficult. He bought some figures, again, history based, last year that needed painting and after the initial enthusiasm he got fed up of how fiddly it was and left it. Same thing happened with model making a couple of years ago. He got really into cycling last year but then seemed to just go right off it - not really sure why. He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness. It doesn't help that he seems quite limited socially, even Covid aside, and despite having friends in school and telling me about them he rarely interacts with them outside school. Before lockdown never went out with them unless it was a party and now rarely online with them.

He's academically able and in top sets for everything with a real flair I'd say for English and humanities. I don't know if this is part of the problem as in a lot of things come quite easily to him then when something doesn't he just stops. He plays clarinet but has no real enthusiasm for it and moans endlessly about practising but insists he wants to carry on when I ask. Today he was crying about making no progress in it and I did explain (nicely) that he does the bare minimum practice so what does he expect? I was trying to say people with 'talents' or hobbies are prepared to spend hours on them and that's how they get good, which he doesn't do really, aside from cricket, which still didn't go well. He asked for a guitar last year but again had no interest in it really and it has barely been touched for months.

Earlier we'd watched a French crime drama with subtitles because he loves the genre and I casually suggested it as I like them and he's doing French at school. He's in Y9 and getting what the school call 'grades 7-9', so doing really well. However, he got really upset and said he couldn't hear any of the words he was supposed to know. I tried to explain that was to be expected but he kept saying how hard it was then mentioned a boy in his class who gets full marks every time and has apparently read LOTR in French.

I just don't know how to handle this. On the one hand I obviously don't want to pressure him and don't want him comparing himself to others in an unhealthy way, but on the other hand I kind of do think a hobby would do him good and have often felt he could do with sticking at things a bit more but I don't know how to approach it. Cricket is the thing he has devoted most time and energy to and, as I said, it doesn't really seem to have paid off. I was also trying to get across that hobbies aren't necessarily about excelling at something but are about enjoyment, but I think that's hard for him to get, especially where sport is concerned.

I also feel the usual guilt as his dad and I are divorced and I feel that disadvantages him because of living between two houses etc. Dad is a musician but has never got involved with the music practice and I feel ds is keeping it on to please his dad but also won't ask him for help. I don't really have hobbies, or not ones that are active - just things like reading, watching films, travel... not things where I actually do anything so not a good role model. Don't know - feel we have let him down and really don't know how to help.

I have a 13yo son who is very similar. He’s exceptionally bright and “should” be top of the class easily but when he hits something he needs to work at he just stops. And then gets upset because others do better and that means he must be “dumb”. Despite being in the equivalent of a grammar school so by definition nobody there is dumb.

He is also a cricketer and it sounds like you don’t know much about the game. Getting run out at 13 isn’t a nightmare and doesn’t mean his hard work hasn’t paid off. The best cricketers in the world get run out, drop catches, get bowled first ball. That is part of the game. It is psychologically one of the most demanding games around. But it is fantastic for kids like yours and mine. Hard work and practice DO pay off as their skills improve. And they learn how to deal with small “failures” each game which builds their resilience. I would really look at changing the way you talk about the game and his experience and encourage him to keep going with it. Agree that chess is another great activity to pursue. My 13yo does gaming using a headset to talk to his friends while he plays online with them - could you encourage him to do something similar?

Try to get him to run every day - gradually increasing teh amount. I think being fit gives you a confidence that nothing else does.

@Schehezarade Totally agree with you! Running is a great way to keep fit, and make you feel better if you're a bit down. I try to run every day at my gym, but not sure if they will be open today...

but would he enjoy playing clarinet as a part of orchestras or bands outside of school? Most areas have youth music schools on Saturdays which are fun?

That massively helped me as a young teen keep practising and enjoying music for a bit longer though I stopped just before GCSE.

My older two did school orchestras in primary but area we're in has had massive cuts to music services - and there don't seem to be the private orchestras I joined here either but your area may have something.

I would highly recommend both you and your son read Matthew Sayed's "Bounce: The Myth of Talent and the Power of Practice". It's not too long and not dry at all and will help so much in this situation.

I was exactly as your son sounds as a teenager and I read that book in my twenties and so many things resonated in it.

Essentially, the book is about how overrated talent is and helps get away from the mentality of having to be "naturally" good or talented at something from the get go. The fact that your son mentioned "talent" makes me think this is key.

I am strensuously resisting writing something like "that book changed my life", as I know that sounds ridiculous, but you know, it kind of did ...

(I also have a late diagnosis of ADHD, as others have mentioned, it might be relevant.)

Apologies Op but I haven't been able to read all the replies but I just wanted to say our Ds who is same age as yours is very similar and struggles with friendships. What has helped is we changed our mindsets that he doesn't have to have a particular hobby and took a step back from trying to inadvertently manage his time and make everything 'better' for him. Also helping him realise its ok not to be the best at everything and its effort that really pays off in the long run. His main interest now have come from no encouragement from us at all - just things he's developed himself. Im not saying don't care or support just don't see it as your responsibility to get him into things and blame yourself if it doesn't work out. I was always trying to find things for DS and would over encourage. I didnt realise I was actually putting pressure on him to do these things and expect him to do them well. This year he's found a love of animae and from that a hobby to draw has developed. I can tell he's more motivated because its his thing that he's discovered himself. Theres also a small number of people at school that are interested so he's made a few friends through it. If in 3 months he loses interest it doesn't matter. Nothing lost, some skills gained and a new interest will probably come along to replace it.

Also agree with other posters that hormones are raging anyway so drama will be high occasionally anyway and lockdown is tough on everyone especially kids.

Good luck Op.

@Whoateallthestuffingballs - that sounds like a good book. My DS2 is proof of that. DS1 has natural musicality. DS2 inherited my love of music and my zero talent for it. But he just persevered for 7 years and now, you'd never know he had no 'talent' for it. He's become talented.

There was a brilliant footballer called Kevin Keegan who was famous when I was young. I always admired him because when he was asked: 'How come you are such a brilliant player?' he said because he had no natural talent. He had to learn everything so he always knew what he was doing doing.

No advice but full sympathies to him and you

Oh this made me want to cry. I'm sure you're already doing this - but please to reiterate to him that he's brilliant and loved without a well developed hobby, and that he's going to be okay. I was JUST like this as a teenager and sometimes all I needed was a hug and a bit of a reassurance that I was enough.

In a similar vein @Labobo, I once saw a programme about Robbie Williams. The interviewer asked him why he thought he’d been so successful. He said “I’ve never tried to do anything else”.

Have you come across the 10, 000 hours theory? Ie: it takes 10,000 hours practice to become an expert in something. I have no idea of the science, baseline ability etc but it brings into focus that a lot of training and practice is generally needed to be really good at something.

If he loves History buy him a subscription to Ancestry or Find my past. Get him started on his family tree. He will get really absorbed in it. You can usually get a months free trial so if he doesnt like it nothing lost.

DN went through a phase like this, so I got her a guitar and she’s learning how to play it via youtube. She has actually become really good - so maybe ask him what he wants to do and then support him with that.

Guitar is a brilliant instrument to learn during lockdown. It's one of the very few instruments where you can get truly competent from online teaching alone.

My DS also sometimes complains bitterly of not having home-based hobbies (he has sportings hobbies and is very commited to a local club but of course it has been sporadic over the past year.) I am only slightly sympathetic as I don't think boredom is a bad thing and if we are providing ideas and opportunity (in the form of a guitar, books, baking equipment etc etc) then it's their perogative whether or not to go for it. I know your son says he only wants to read just before bed . . . . that's his choice but there's no good reason for it, same with the guitar - you've provided one and he could use it if he wanted. Things my son seems to find to do after a bit of complaining: reading; teaching himself a song on the guitar (from youtube, there are great tutorials); rubix cubing; baking or cooking; listening to music on spotify or making music online (there are great free or cheap programs for this); painting (he told me of various different painting things in vogue on tiktok and he tried to copy one last week; going for a long cycle with a friend (still allowed during lockdown).

Just to say though, it is horrible to see them upset and I hope your DS feels better. There is tremendous pressure to excel for many young people, and to not feel that you do that in any one particular area is hard. My parents didn't have the means to get me help with any particular hobby (we lived in a very remote area and there were no opportunities) . . . . I never did dance, music, team sport etc etc. However I was bored a lot, and that was a gift that I've only since appreciated. It meant I read all the time, and also had to be very creative and self-reliant. I have an Oxbridge degree and a wonderful job now - I definitely put it down to quite a boring childhood that formed me.

I'm a little confused that people are suggesting mroe ideas for hobbies. Yes that is good and try and keep yourselves active nad doign things and trying new things.

But it sounds like he needs some emotional support and a boost to his self esteem rather than another 'hobby'. I would suggest doing what you did last ngiht, letting him vent his fears and frustrations, listening to him in a non-judgemental way or making him feel like he cant say these things to you. Listening without immediately trying to 'solve' (I hate it when my mum always does this. sometimes, you just need to vent not hear a load of thoughtless solutions)....and then in the longer term work on building his self esteem. he sounds thoughtful, intelligent, caring, etc etc. Help him to focus on loving these qualities about himself, recognising that maybe commitment to hard work isn't a natural quality of his and he needs to perhaps improve that, but it doesn't diminish his worth and all his other amazing qualities. You are an adult, he is not and therefore is not emotionally mature or good at recognising and understanding his emotions. Your job as a parent is to validate his emotions and help guide him through understanding them and not letting them become all-consuming.

it sounds like you are doing a good job as a parent. Don't try to smother him with new hobbies though at at time his self-esteem is so low. He mgith take them up for a bit, forget about them as with other things and this will only make him feel worse about himself. Take the time over lockdown to work on emotional development and teaching him how amazing he is and all the reasons he should love himself.

more succicntly, I think my point is don't see the symptom of the problem and try and solve or fix that...see the underlying cause (sounds like your sons low self esteem) and try and work on that. You are clearly being a good parent if your son is even opening up to you like that in the first place (even if it is mixed with 13 yr old angst, that is what he is doing), don't ignore that, try and solve it with a sticking plaster of a new hobby, and cause him to shut that door

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Reading some biographies then some fiction would help him bridge from reading about facts (Who, What, Where, When and How) to reading about feelings (Why - the most important). A book like Boy: Tales of Childhood (Roald Dahl’s autobiography) or the Right Stuff (about the first astronauts) might interest him. Continue to help him open doors on new interests and reopen doors on old interests. Cycling will be great again when the weather is better. And it might be worthwhile to talk to CAMHS.

I'm in my early twenties and I did wonder if your post was secretly a time machine back ten years to what I was like! I think theres a few points here. First off, explain that when he starts GCSEs his academic ability is going to be something he can take pride in, and that he will get a sense of achievement. I used to get up and watch a history documentary before school, and am now finishing my degree in it, so I guess just bit of context that he will be able to see his achievements relative to peers soon enough. I'm obviously no psychologist, but sounds like hes a bit of perfectionist like myself, where I dont like doing things unless I am naturally talented. If you think this is the case have a read of the literature around this, as sharing this tendency with him early will be massively useful, as he will know that he isnt rubbish, he just has high standards. Last there is of course covid, and it must be awful not seeing mates, so maybe if the games he is playing are history related and I'm guessing strategic, then all I can say is I played these probably a little too much, but given the circumstances I wouldn't worry too much. If you would like me to answer any questions please feel free to ask!

I haven't read every single post, OP, so sorry if I'm out of line, but I think your son sounds quite lonely. He sounds as if he needs to share a hobby with his family or an organised group so that he keeps it going and feels enthused & involved in it. He also sounds as if he needs discipline, and to really understand ie with hard facts about how long really accomplished musicians practice for, how to improve to a level where he's enjoying it.

When lockdown is over how about the Duke of Edinburgh Award? He's the right age to start in September. It's brilliant because they can try loads of different things and take them to a variety of levels and the expeditions offer that sense of progression and achievement your son wants. Good luck x