Ds (13) sobbing uncontrollably about lack of hobbies and talents - where have gone wrong

[looseddaughter]

Ds1 (13) has just gone to bed after a good 90 mins of ranting and sobbing over his perceived lack of hobbies and talents. He was as upset as I have ever seen him and it was horrible.

It started as I told him he'd had enough laptop for the day when he said he was going to his room and he said there was nothing else to do and it spiralled from there. We have had a pretty shit holiday in the sense that we've been in most days (isolated for a week and then obviously not a lot you can do in tier 4) so I don't know if there's an element of boredom after having been pent up but it did seem deeper.

He keep saying whatever he does there are 'people 10 steps ahead of me,' and 'I just want a hobby I can do that I'm good at and enjoy...a talent.' This was all through sobs. To be honest, it's true that he doesn't really have a hobby. He loves reading but only ever wants to do it just before bed, obviously enjoys his laptop and is a history fanatic so uses it for research, documentaries and history- based computer games. He doesn't do lego, likes the odd boardgame and doesn't do any sport except cricket, which was a nightmare last season as despite doing brilliantly in training he had a few nightmare games and did silly things like running himself out. I know he felt shit at the end of the season.

I think he tends to give up on things as soon as they're difficult. He bought some figures, again, history based, last year that needed painting and after the initial enthusiasm he got fed up of how fiddly it was and left it. Same thing happened with model making a couple of years ago. He got really into cycling last year but then seemed to just go right off it - not really sure why. He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness. It doesn't help that he seems quite limited socially, even Covid aside, and despite having friends in school and telling me about them he rarely interacts with them outside school. Before lockdown never went out with them unless it was a party and now rarely online with them.

He's academically able and in top sets for everything with a real flair I'd say for English and humanities. I don't know if this is part of the problem as in a lot of things come quite easily to him then when something doesn't he just stops. He plays clarinet but has no real enthusiasm for it and moans endlessly about practising but insists he wants to carry on when I ask. Today he was crying about making no progress in it and I did explain (nicely) that he does the bare minimum practice so what does he expect? I was trying to say people with 'talents' or hobbies are prepared to spend hours on them and that's how they get good, which he doesn't do really, aside from cricket, which still didn't go well. He asked for a guitar last year but again had no interest in it really and it has barely been touched for months.

Earlier we'd watched a French crime drama with subtitles because he loves the genre and I casually suggested it as I like them and he's doing French at school. He's in Y9 and getting what the school call 'grades 7-9', so doing really well. However, he got really upset and said he couldn't hear any of the words he was supposed to know. I tried to explain that was to be expected but he kept saying how hard it was then mentioned a boy in his class who gets full marks every time and has apparently read LOTR in French.

I just don't know how to handle this. On the one hand I obviously don't want to pressure him and don't want him comparing himself to others in an unhealthy way, but on the other hand I kind of do think a hobby would do him good and have often felt he could do with sticking at things a bit more but I don't know how to approach it. Cricket is the thing he has devoted most time and energy to and, as I said, it doesn't really seem to have paid off. I was also trying to get across that hobbies aren't necessarily about excelling at something but are about enjoyment, but I think that's hard for him to get, especially where sport is concerned.

I also feel the usual guilt as his dad and I are divorced and I feel that disadvantages him because of living between two houses etc. Dad is a musician but has never got involved with the music practice and I feel ds is keeping it on to please his dad but also won't ask him for help. I don't really have hobbies, or not ones that are active - just things like reading, watching films, travel... not things where I actually do anything so not a good role model. Don't know - feel we have let him down and really don't know how to help.

@Xerochrysum

"Less productive though than spending time on those subjects themselves."

I doubt that. True interest become passion. My dc started to learn musical instrument only because he wanted to play the songs from the games. Now spend 2 hours every day practicing.

So he ended up spending time on the subject itself which is rather the point. If you’re interested in music, playing an instrument is the obvious choice, listening to it on games won’t achieve much.

Poor kid, but he's so young. No one is born amazing at anything it's all learnt, there's an often quoted fact that it takes 70 thousand hours to be good at something, as in to master it. Definitely sounds like he could get into something history related, it's hard at the moment with the isolation but when things ease up again in a few months probably, it'd be good to look into whether there's any groups of his age range that meet up to do stuff he might be interested in, and if there isn't one he could make one.

OP - there's a brilliant book called Drive by an American headmistress. It really helps a parent find the balance between encouraging DC to stick at stuff and letting them lie fallow and get bored while they figure out what it is they want to do. The author's a great believer in not over-scheduling a child but insisting that if they do try something, they give it a proper go for a whole year. And she's good at making a distinction between desire and drive. Desire: I wish I was a rock star. Drive: I want to learn that bass line this week. Helping DC realise the difference was quite a breakthrough to them.

Just another thought re groups, does he actually like being part of a group. I enjoy company one on one but find groups so draining. I think I have inattentive ADHD (plus I have PTSD which makes me hyper vigilant) and get overwhelmed if too many things are happening at once.it makes it hard to focus.

A few people have mentioned this already but this:

He just gets these initial bursts of enthusiasm and then everything peters into nothingness

along with the perfectionism jumped out at me as traits of inattentive ADHD. May be way off though!

What about swimming? Can he swim and even if he can you could send him to the lessons for more advanced children, it doesn’t break the bank it’s a healthy hobby and something he can always use. If he enjoys walking I would look at local places you can hike etc, then when lockdown is over you could suggest bringing one of his friends etc along? When houses are allowed to mix could you maybe suggest having a friend over for tea once a month or something? You don’t want it to be that when he finishes school he never sees this children again. If he enjoys reading you could do a book challenge with him when library opens to try and read 50 books in a year or whatever number feels suitable for him, just might encourage him to read more than just to prolong bedtime sorry if all rubbish ideas but was thinking if he gets down in the dumps then competitive sports like football etc may not be the best idea. However a lot of local sports centres have football training groups that travel round the country and do like one night a week so it’s not a football match it’s just training one night a week teaching then the basics and abit of fun and helping then develop their skills but without the pressure of a team and match etc

Holding a categorical opinion not based on fact doesn't seem to me to make sense.

Has he tried Scouts or Woodland Folk? He’d make new friends; learn useful and fun skills; and gain confidence.

How about yoga at least the poor boy will get time to actually relax and think without anyone demanding he stick to something for a year lol! He can shut all pushy thoughts out of his mind whilst meditating!

@looseddaughter

I do get what you're saying *@Sostenueto*, but it's not always as simple as that. If a child expresses an interest in something, or, as has been the case with me, asks to do something/join something, it's not pushy to allow it. And if they seem to develop a pattern of dropping things at the first sign of difficulty, or when they get bored, I'm not sure that it's a bad thing or pushy to try and address that. There's obviously a balance to be struck and I'm sure I've not always got it right, but I'm equally sure it's not as simple as 'let them be'.

I think it's important to give yourself a break about this too - there isn't a magic formula!

You get adults who hated being pushed into music lessons as kids - but who end up happy they got the grounding in an instrument. And those who end up resenting their parents for hothousing them. Equally you get adults who had freedom to pursue whatever they wanted as kids and who thrived - and those who ended up wishing their parents had bothered preparing them better for a well-rounded life.

Being self-aware as you are helps you avoid becoming either a mad helicopter parent or a totally hands-off careless one - from everything you say, despite this perfectly normal wobble, I'd say you and your son are going to turn out fine!

Honestly. It’s you. Every time he mentioned an interest you got him what he wanted, seemingly without thought it sacrifice first and then there is no drawback to him just giving up and you seem to keep the sad remains of given up tries around. I’d scale it all back, have him make a tough decision what he wants to truly keep on as he got all options to try anything it seems and gets bored easily how is he to know if it’s really something he wants. Yes some hobbies to put to the side for a bit like crochet or painting but you don’t give them up without not being able to continue. Make him have a clear out and make a decision, maybe History is his hobby, get him on to a specific project and see, just don’t invest any more money or resources into new attempts. If he wants something to else make him earn it. If he feels he worked for it to get it and keep at it he will appreciate it much more.

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating things other posters have said.

I was a bit like your DS - really into history and good at humanities (especially English). Didn't have any obvious talents (unlike your DS I was rubbish at sports and music) and I used to worry about what I'd do later in life and why I wasn't like the other kids. There might be a bit of that going on.

It's great that you encourage his interest in history with visits to houses and museums etc. Obviously I know everything is closed at the moment, but is there anywhere with grounds / parks open? My parents took me to Alnwick Castle when I was 9 and it sparked an interest in medieval history that turned into studying it at university.

Agree with a PP that creative writing is a good idea. Even if he just starts a journal, that might help. I started writing fiction at 10, kept a journal all through my teens, picked up the writing more seriously in my 30s and am now published :)

What about some historical films or tv series you can watch together? I'm not a parent so I don't have any age-appropriate suggestions, but I'm sure google / Netflix / Amazon will come up with stuff if you enter the period he's interested in.

At that age my son got into Radio Controlled Car racing which kept him busy for 3 years or so. There are probably no meetings at the moment though, his second hobby was learning to play the guitar.

No advice to give I’m afraid just feel your pain and appreciate how upsetting this must be for you :( so sorry.

Maybe suggesting going for walks , painting by numbers , exploring new things . Look on YouTube , see if there are any appropriate historical groups for his age online that he can join . Suggest voluntary work so he can help others , collecting for the food bank , advertising to help neighbours by clearing garden or cutting lawns etc obviously within safe distances) So he feels he has a purpose ? Feel so sad for you, must be terrible to see your son in such a state .

@persistentwoman

What a fantastic resource of ideas this thread is - one of the best I've read for ages. I wish I'd come across something like this when I was struggling with teenagers.

Never mind teenagers - I'm finding loads of suggestions that look interesting for me!

Another idea might be calligraphy. I really wanted to take this up in lockdown but somehow haven't found the time (thanks social media).

I've found Reddit to be a great source of information, inspiration and a way to meet like-minded people. They have a brilliant History subreddit, a calligraphy subreddit, photography subreddits, writing ones, etc etc. Obviously this is more screen time, but it's stimulating stuff. The more he reads and learns, the more likely he is to find other things he wants to read about and learn.

He sounds a bit like me- cupboards full of kit from discarded hobbies...I sometimes think my hobby is trying hobbies!

I found the things I’ve stuck at are things where there is a target to aim towards. Has he tried running? He can make a target to run 10k in x time after a few months practise. What is great about running is that you can dip in and out of it.

Other things where he has to commit to a course/ time commitment with a group might also be good for him...

Prince of Edinburgh award?

What about hospital radio? He could do a show that combines his love of music with news and interviews.

Start a podcast? He could do topics he’s interested in- different historical events?

Do you have a Sea Cadet unit nearby? They’ve been fantastic at keeping things going online and when possible to get together they do a great variety of educational and fun activities. Also great for friendships.

I didn't read the full thread but will disagree with people saying to not limit screen time. My two boys will happily stay the entire day going from one device to another. If he enjoys walking maybe get him a nice digital camera to take pictures or a pair of binocular. It is all about trial and error when come to hobbies. I also thinking that somehow he is getting this pressure to excell from adults around him. Maybe he is comparing himself to his dad? My boys are not outstanding on anything that I can think but are quite happy trying. They go from one thing to another. Rubick cube to table tennis to piano to trumpet to skateboarding and most recently chess. They aren't outstanding in any of this but they get quite obsessed for a while than move on to something else. I think is part of growing up. Maybe tell him not to rush. He has plenty of time to find something he loves.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a helicopter parent.
Any hobby to be driven by him. I think hobbies arise out of boredom. We all need to learn that to be really good at anything we need to work hard, on top of any talent. My son (16) has totally buried himself in piano practice and reading during lockdown. I’ve never driven it but he’s seen me busy at work, as a healthcare professional. I think he will find something to do. The main thing is that he wants to be good at something. That’s a great start.

Army or Air Cadets? Something a bit different and a way of meeting new people.

What clubs have you tried him in?

I haven’t RTFT but I’m case it hasn’t already been suggested, there is a great book called You Are Awesome: Find Your Confidence and Dare to be Brilliant at (Almost) Anything www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1526361159/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_2P18FbS172PRN?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 which may be a little young for your son but deals with exactly this issue. It is written by Matthew Syed who, through sheer hardwork, became the UK’s best table tennis player. I’m sure there’s something similar and age appropriate for your son which might help his motivation.

If he is interested in history and enjoys walking you could maybe buy him a metal detector and take him out with it. It’s easier if you have a beech nearby and they aren’t cheap but it’s very interesting. Or maybe get him interested in astronomy or bird watching or photography.

I haven’t been able to read all the replies so I don’t know if it’s been mentioned yet. Scouting is a wonderful activity to be part of. It celebrates all children and their achievements, both in and out of Scouting and if planned well, should be suitable for all children of different abilities, cultures, beliefs. At 13 you son is the age for Scouts then at 14 would move to Explorers.

Obviously with Covid, groups have had to stop meeting but we’re ever hopeful we can get up and running again soon.

I feel extremely sorry for your son and in fact his entire generation that has been completely let down by the education system that teaches them no hand skills at all; just maths and sciences. It is making them depressed. There is enormous gratification to be found in making a pot, painting or piece of carpentry - anything with your hands, that the education system pretty much denies them access to. Children make nothing with their hands after the age of 9 or so; its all theory, theory, theory and using CAD, 3 D printers etc. Find a carpenter and get him to teach him how to make a stool. He is normal. The system is churning out children like widgets on a production line and its costing them their minds.