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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
TulesDana · 02/01/2021 16:28

Pros and cons at any age, but the most important part of age is health, I had my youngest at 38 and it's made me look after my overall health much more than I might have done. IV seen people wrecked and dying in their 40s, and people fit and lively in their 80s. I did have a school friend who was the only child of much older parents, and she was worried about them dying, but then there was pros as well.

Anyoldname12 · 02/01/2021 16:29

Having children in general is the ultimate selfish act and I say this as someone currently pregnant. Your friend needs to keep her beak out and you need to tell her as such.

BigBadVoodooHat · 02/01/2021 16:29

Oh you're as young as you feel.

No, you’re not. You are the age you actually are.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 02/01/2021 16:30

I think its ridiculous but wouldn't tell her.

J1llae · 02/01/2021 16:30

My gran was 49 when she had my mum. A friend of mine was 46 when she began her family and had her second boy at 48. A relation of mine had twins at 42. These women were all strong, healthy women who for various reasons came to motherhood late. They were all fantastic mums in my opinion. Experience of life counted for a lot and they could give some young mums a run for their money I can tell you. There will always be people who judge but they don’t walk in the shoes of the person being judged. If women weren’t meant to give birth in their 40’s then they wouldn’t have been designed that way. Your friend has been given a fantastic chance to finally be a mum. Be happy for her and don’t listen to others. It’s shameful to critiscize.

tttigress · 02/01/2021 16:31

Well I am not sure what everyone bone will be doing in the later part of their life that will stop them looking after children.

bluebluezoo · 02/01/2021 16:31

You never know what's round the corner for you

This. as someone who lost a parent while I was still in primary school you don’t know how long you’ll be around for.

Yes @LAgeDeRaisin your eggs are 30+ the lady in question has 46 year old eggs. There is a huge difference. hmm

Age only increases the chance of a genetic issue. It doesn’t mean she’ll have some sort of less than perfect child because her eggs are “old”.

Presumably that risk has been considered. Genetic testing is common and if any issues are found they can plan how they want to address it.

Having “younger” eggs doesn’t eliminate those risks anyway.

She’s likely to be relatively fit and healthy for 30 odd years. Yes it’s sad losing a parent but it happens to everyone.

I know people who were old at 60. I know others who are fit, active and capable into their 80’s. my 60 year old in laws aren’t able to take care of a child, my 80 year old great uncle would beat them on a bicycle.

CKBJ · 02/01/2021 16:31

Congratulations to your friend. It’s no one else’s business and I would ignore any comments. No one is so righteous to judge another person. My gran had her first of 9 aged 20, baby 9 was born when she was 47. She had 3 grandchildren at the time too, all brought up together.

Itsabeautifuldaytosavelives123 · 02/01/2021 16:31

Course it isn't! Else she'd have been through the menopause. A friend of mine had a baby at 47 and she's a brilliant mum to her now 4 year old. It's an absolute dream come true for some, especially when it's a first. My own mum was born to a 48yo mother, I wouldn't be here if that hadn't happened.

Oilyvoir · 02/01/2021 16:35

Not quite the same, but I have parented my 5 year old grandson since the day he was born. I was 50 years and 8 days old. His very young mum (with alot of emotional issues and whom I adopted from the care system when she was 8) just couldn't manage - though she is taking more of an active role now. I am single and work 4 days a week as a primary school teacher. Yes I have less energy but I have a good standard of living, understand and have supported his development to the best of my ability. He is a lovely, well adjusted little boy. My own mother is still alive in her mid 80s so i have no reason to think that I won't still be around when he is in his mid 30s. So of course a woman of 46 is not being selfish to have a baby.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 02/01/2021 16:35

If her and her partner are in good health, no chronic conditions it heart problems or whatever then its not as bad as it could be, but it isnt great. As long as they accept that when they are in their 70s and 80s that their child will he finishing uni/starting a career/have young children and they cannot expect the child to be running around after them.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/01/2021 16:37

Not too old. Hmm

Her 'child' will be 37 when she dies (on average)

Ffs

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 02/01/2021 16:37

@tomnjerrylover

My mum was 40 when she had me 40 years ago and I hated having old parents.

Personally at 40 I'd struggle with a baby or toddler now.
I do think 46 is too old but I'd never say that to the expectant parents.

To be fair, a 40 year old today is not the same as a 40 year old in the 1980s.
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 02/01/2021 16:37

Wonderful news for your friend and I'm sure she'll love the baby and enjoy her pregnancy, assuming there are no complications.

Not so great for the child, potentially. I hated having old parents, I was an only child and both parents were dead by the time I was in my mid 20s. I missed out on a lot and spent most of my childhood worrying about my parents.

I had my child in my early 20s and she has a much better childhood than I did. 36 would be my absolute cut off point for having a baby - for both men and women.

But there's no way I'd ever voice my opinion to a friend who was pregnant at 46. I would worry about the risks during pregnancy and the possibility of the child suffering with a disability but each to their own.

CeibaTree · 02/01/2021 16:37

It's obviously not too old as it's happening! Hope your friend has a smooth and uneventful pregnancy :)

MartiniDry · 02/01/2021 16:38

Privately, I would agree with your friend.

A member of my family had older parents. By the time he was 22 his Dad was dead. Just two years later his mother was in a care home suffering acute dementia. I feel strongly that childbearing in later years is a mistake but I'd keep those thoughts very much to myself, unlike your rude friend.

justasking111 · 02/01/2021 16:38

My twenty year old second year uni. was what my hungarian friend calls a late harvest. I was nearly 45 when he arrived, had the genetic testing absolutely fine. A lot of mums at school gates around my age for various reasons, some health, some oops babies as mine was. The only downside is that grand children arrived while we were trying to get a teenager through exams, and I really do not have the will to be a full on grandparent so that my children can work full time. I was a mum for forty years with my own kids at home, so we are enjoying being childless again for most of the year.

Micah · 02/01/2021 16:39

they cannot expect the child to be running around after them

Does anyone expect their children to run around after them?

My inlaws are still running around after their dd- now in her 50’s, and adult children. They do her washing, give her lifts etc. They were her childcare until well into their 70’s.

Sp3849 · 02/01/2021 16:39

I am sure your friend thought about it before getting pregnant. I dont think anybody can judge really. Everybody's choices are thier own and I am sure that child will be loved cherished and provided for. I know many young mothers who can't even provide that and quite frankly do not deserve children and have had them taken into care. I truly wish your friend the best x

theDudesmummy · 02/01/2021 16:40

Why is it anyone's business? I was very nearly 46 when I had my one and only.

Ideasplease322 · 02/01/2021 16:40

What age is the father of the baby?

CakeRattleandRoll · 02/01/2021 16:41

I had both my DC after turning 40. I have never felt 'too old', 'unable to keep up', etc. Not a conscious choice to be a 'older parent' but turns out to have many advantages:

  • I got to do so much travel and have many adventures before settling down, none of which would have been possible with children. I hope this will also provide inspiration to my children about the world of opportunities that exist when they are adults.
  • I took my time finding the right bloke and he is a great father.
  • We are financially secure and able to provide well for the kids without being stressed about mortgage, bills, etc.
  • We are both well-established in our careers and now able to both work part-time. This gives us quality time with our kids and time to look after our own fitness, too.
  • I am more patient and less selfish now than I was as a younger adult, and therefore I believe I am a better mother now than I would have been.

To all of those posters saying that the OP's friend is too old - can you honestly tick all those boxes from my list?

rothbury · 02/01/2021 16:42

If she were my friend I would be concerned and praying that everything turned out well, but clearly she is not too old.

I would be happy for her.

Norwayreally · 02/01/2021 16:42

She will be in her mid sixties by the time her child is an adult which is quite old. It’s much older than the norm but I wouldn’t say it’s too old.

My friend’s parents were both in their mid 40s when she was born. They had one 16 year old son with no plans to have another, her Mum thought it was the menopause. She obviously had a huge age gap with her brother but it never phased her. She became an Aunty at 12 and we all thought it was really cool and grown up.

Smartiepants79 · 02/01/2021 16:42

I would never voice an opinion to the person or any mutual friends and I would be happy and supportive to any friend who chose this BUT personally i think it’s rather old to be having a baby. The health risks to mother and baby are increased, the chances of being motherless quite young also increased.
Of course there are families out there who had their children late with no complications and happily lived to see their kids into old age. It’s not a choice I would make and (regardless of the distress of childlessness) I do feel it is a little selfish.
I wouldn’t go as far as outrageous though!!