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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
Pippa234 · 03/01/2021 01:15

'The argument against that could be that it’s not fair to actively bring a child in to the world as a single parent..... using a sperm doner. They’ll never get the chance of a father figure....'

Yes well people have their opinions doesn't make them right.
Plenty of single Mums out there doing an amazing job, anyone can find themselves single and their kids left without a Dad.

Taikoo · 03/01/2021 01:15

She is too old.
I hope it all goes well for her though.
I'd hate to be doing nappies the age of 46+.

cyclingmad · 03/01/2021 01:23

@pippa234

Well thays great if yhsys your view unfortunately being Indian its more complicated for me

I am religious to a certain extent and when we get married its a union of our souls and so divorce isn't something I see as something I would want unless under extreme reasons like dv.

I'm not going to marry someone who will be with me for the rest of my life just so I can have children, you make those vows for a reason. And the best environment for a child is one where the parents are in a loving solid relationship

I have two choices

  1. marry in the same religion and class so my parents don't disown which is fine but narrows the number of men available and most hold very outdated views to my own so its taking longer to find someone I'd like

  2. find a person outside of my religion and be disowned by my family

Your right you can wait and it might not turn out well there is always an element of risk but id far rather marry for the right reasons imo

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2021 01:27

@Nodancingshoes

Up to her - i cant see that it is selfish, She will only be 66 when the baby is 20. That's not ancient by todays standards. My mum had me in her 20's and died before I got to that age...However my sister had a baby at 41 and found the pregnancy difficult- your friend may need some support rather than judgement.
It's not ancient, but I'm only a bit older and I am happy to be a grandmother. I do think it's too old.

But she's the one that has to cope.

TableFlowerss · 03/01/2021 01:28

@Pippa234

'The argument against that could be that it’s not fair to actively bring a child in to the world as a single parent..... using a sperm doner. They’ll never get the chance of a father figure....'

Yes well people have their opinions doesn't make them right.
Plenty of single Mums out there doing an amazing job, anyone can find themselves single and their kids left without a Dad.

The difference is, most people don’t chose to become single parents. It’s circumstances that leave them in that situation.

Using a sperm doner at 28 because your single and want a baby isn’t comparable.

Plenty of women over 40 make great mums 😀

Pippa234 · 03/01/2021 01:29

That sounds difficult, I understand your view cyclingmad.
I was not saying my view was right by the way just how I felt in my own set of circumstances.
Everybody is different.

Mally2020 · 03/01/2021 01:31

I think it's great, she's succeeded in still having the chance at becoming a mother! not quite sure why there's so many negative comments, with all the life experience she ha accompanied with the child being her sole focus I'm sure it will be well cared for. Yes, she isn't younger and my struggle physically during the pregnancy and initial years but we don't know her situation, medics around her etc. I probably wouldn't do it at 46 but I'd love to have my child/children later on at 34+

Mally2020 · 03/01/2021 01:31

has may struggle

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 03/01/2021 01:32

These kinds of threads are so silly. She's having a baby so she's clearly not "too old". It is happening. Yes, it's riskier physically, but so what? That's the mother's risk to take.

I think it's a bit arbitrary to start guessing when she will die and weigh that up against our guesses about how much her adult child will still need her at that moment. Those kinds of decisions are up to the parents. It isn't the business of other random people on the internet to weigh in on those choices. It's not as if she's being abusive, for goodness sake.

Pippa234 · 03/01/2021 01:34

"The difference is, most people don’t chose to become single parents. It’s circumstances that leave them in that situation."

I know I was one..
Regardless nothing wrong with being a single parent.
You can hold your own view on what you think there.

"Plenty of women over 40 make great mums 😀"

I agree, I haven't ever said they don't.

TableFlowerss · 03/01/2021 01:38

@Pippa234

"The difference is, most people don’t chose to become single parents. It’s circumstances that leave them in that situation."

I know I was one..
Regardless nothing wrong with being a single parent.
You can hold your own view on what you think there.

"Plenty of women over 40 make great mums 😀"

I agree, I haven't ever said they don't.

Of course there nothing wrong with being a single parent. There’s nothing wrong with being over 40 either. People will judge any situation, too young, too old, not rich enough, not stable enough... the list goes on
Pippa234 · 03/01/2021 01:40

"Of course there nothing wrong with being a single parent. There’s nothing wrong with being over 40 either. People will judge any situation, too young, too old, not rich enough, not stable enough... the list goes on"

I agree.

midnightstar66 · 03/01/2021 06:59

I can't help but think tuning 50 with a potentially still 2 year old and still running around doing clubs and school runs heading for 60 will be exhausting, I'm 41 and couldn't even imagine all the baby and toddler years now. She must have a whole lot more energy than me.

Cam2020 · 03/01/2021 07:10

Why do people get so bothered about what another woman does with her body? Isn't anyone having children selfish, ultimately? Is 60 old? Considering the retirement age is creeping up closer and closer to 70...

I really don't get the vitriol - if you think mid 40s (or any other age) it's too old, don't have one at that age! I think what underpins all this is the pathetic, misogynistic belief that having a baby is the pinnacle of any woman's life (in terms of social heirarchy) - there is an an acceptable time frame in which to achieve this. Anyone older than that is, basically a loser and shut out of the club, as is anyone too young.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/01/2021 08:00

if my daughter decided to have a child at 46 then I’d tell her my view on the situation

You would tell your childless 46 year old daughter, who is finally happily pregnant with long awaited baby, that she's too old and should not have children?

CheeseIsMyVice · 03/01/2021 08:05

She’s probably quite aged to be sailing through a pregnancy, but she’s not too old to be a mother!

Frenchdressing · 03/01/2021 08:07

It is hilarious how much people think over 45 year olds would be exhausted. I am 57 and am full of energy. I run. 3-4 times a week. I think the idea we are all so tired after a certain age is based on a very dated POV. There is an inevitable slow down with age but this comes more in your 60s and 70s these days.

MsTSwift · 03/01/2021 08:26

Hmm I am 46 fit healthy and energetic but I would balk at having a baby now.

One thing going paddleboarding cycling or running with mates quite another putting your body through pregnancy childbirth and then the no sleep hell. Would finish me off. Good luck to her but for me personally too old. But I was fortunate to be able to have had my two kids in my early 30s like literally all my friends did too.

Ragwort · 03/01/2021 08:38

It's totally different to imagine having a second/third baby in your 40s when you have already raised your family and started 'earlier'.

I had a baby in my 40s - I wasn't tired or exhausted, in fact I seemed a lot more relaxed and 'in control' of my lifestyle than some of the younger mums I met at toddler groups etc. I was in a much better place financially and emotionally than if I'd had a baby in my early 20s.

But trying to imagine having a baby in your 40s when you've already raised your children is very different to choosing to have your first child in your 40s.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 03/01/2021 08:51

Well it is old and she is risking a lot but it's up to her ..

Nicolastuffedone · 03/01/2021 08:54

Too old in my opinion, but I wouldn’t say it out loud

radioband · 03/01/2021 08:57

It’s not right or wrong, it’s her personal choice and a very understandable. Life does not always go to plan. If that was my friend I’d be made up for them.

MimiDaisy11 · 03/01/2021 09:06

A lot of people are talking as if the woman is doing it on her own but in the post, it says she hadn't met the right person until now. So the child will have two parents. And if people are going to judge the woman they should also judge her partner too.

Mumoftwo1990 · 03/01/2021 09:58

@Tellmelies65

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.
I mean i personally think it's definitely too old, thinking on the years ahead and the age the kid will be at certain points. But as it was never the right time before now for her then it's totally her choice, everyone just needs to keep quiet and be happy for her.
bumblingbovine49 · 03/01/2021 10:01

My friend had her one and only child at 46, without IVF. Her daughter is 16 now. I don't understand how it is 'too old' some since her body was able to have the baby, she was defacto not too old