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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
CaptainSandy · 02/01/2021 23:29

So by the time her kid is ready to set off and explore life away from home s/he will have a 70 year old mother to worry about

My inlaws are in their 70s and regularly drive from Scotland down to Spain for months at a time with their caravan.
What makes you think someone being 70 is a cause for worry?

PolkadotGiraffe · 02/01/2021 23:31

@Sparklingbrook

I know plenty of 70 year olds including my DH who are living fit and active lives and need no care whatsoever. It's not typical to be frail and needing care at that age

Me too, there will be a few exceptions as with all things, but I would not say being 70 is a reason to worry routinely about someone.

Agreed
Chocolatecoffeewine · 02/01/2021 23:31

I had my 4th child when I was just turned 46. She was a much wanted baby conceived when we had given up trying after previous pregnancy loss. I’m saddened by a lot of the responses and attitudes to older mothers on this thread. My pregnancy and delivery were straight forward, I breast fed for a couple of years and have no issues with lack of energy. I think I found the sleepless nights less of an problem as an older mother as I knew what to expect and was very relaxed about it. I’m rarely mistaken for her grandmother, in fact people are often more surprised at the fact I have a married 27 year old than a 6 year old! But it doesn’t bother me in any case, our family dynamic works , all the siblings have a good bond, even though there are big age gaps, which I hope will last when they are all in adulthood and even once we’re gone. I have a maternal and paternal aunt that had big families with the last child in their mid forties so it’s not unusual in our family . DD has several cousins the same age as herself as my siblings also had children in their forties so there is an extended family for support too. None of us know what our life expectancy is, sadly I heard this week of a friend’s acquaintance who just died of cancer in her early thirties leaving a 6 week old baby. I think it’s unfair to judge someone’s decision to have a child at any age, especially when you don’t know all the circumstances. Congratulations to your friend OP!

Moominmammaatsea · 02/01/2021 23:31

@Yeahnahmum

Great. She is going to have a bebe and go through menopause at the same time. Plus all the healthrisks for bebe...plus the complications plus the fact that people will think her kid is her grandkid. Plus bebe will probably be an only child as well..

For me it is a no.

Well, notwithstanding her aged ovaries and decrepit uterus, at least she will be part of the last generation of school children to have been taught to spell and use grammar correctly. I am sure she will be able to impart some of this knowledge to her BABY.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/01/2021 23:32

@PolkadotGiraffe

I really doubt many people would say this about a father this age. So what is the issue, if she has a healthy child?
I would and I have. One of the reasons we're not having another is because in my eyes OH is too old. I believe We were tempting fate with him being 42 when we had DD if I'm honest, but we got lucky.
PolkadotGiraffe · 02/01/2021 23:32

@Cam77

WTF would 46 be too old? Boris Johnson just had one at nearly 56 and women usually live longer than men. As far as health and energy goes, well many 46 year olds are healthier than other 36 year olds.
Amazing how little judgement there was about that being "selfish" isn't it? Double standards, much?!
CaptainSandy · 02/01/2021 23:34

Amazing how little judgement there was about that being "selfish" isn't it? Double standards, much?!

Quite, and he's not a fit 56 either, he looks like he needs a major lifestyle overhaul.

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 23:34

Borris Johnson as an example honestly this thread has ran its course. Grin

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/01/2021 23:34

@Moominmammaatsea or the poster is not British, but French,or Spanish or from many other countries.

MissionaryMumtoOne · 02/01/2021 23:35

@Sunshiney1981

People still seem to think the most important thing a woman can bring to any relationship, even as a parent, is youth. Says a lot about the internalised misogyny in society and sadly on here.

What a wise and important point.

This point is spot on
PolkadotGiraffe · 02/01/2021 23:38

@Dreahil1

Borris Johnson as an example honestly this thread has ran its course. Grin
I think it had run its course before it had begun. It's single premise is ridiculous, judgemental misogyny that is pretty embarrassing to read from women in 2021.
Cattenberg · 02/01/2021 23:42

I didn’t say that most 46 year old women have gone through the menopause. Many women that age are still ovulating, but their egg quality is likely to be poor (albeit not always).

However, it’s not abnormal to start the menopause at 45/46. Premature ovarian failure is a very different scenario. I knew of a girl who started going through the menopause at 14.

I think it’s fair to assume that María del Carmen Bousada de Lara was post-menopausal when she got pregnant. She was 66 and used donor eggs. I had a lot of sympathy for her and her situation, but I personally think she was too old to start a family.

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 23:44

@PolkadotGiraffe the thing is most people have an idea of when they want to be a mother. To start calling people pricks and getting uptight and denying all knowledge of others people’s view isn’t going to end well.

We are all all not going to agree (as usual on MN). I’m not sure why some seem so offended nobody is saying your not a fabulous mother I’m sure you are even at 46.... just because I think it’s a bit old does that change anything NO? I can still think your fab!

Pippa234 · 02/01/2021 23:48

"We are all all not going to agree (as usual on MN). I’m not sure why some seem so offended nobody is saying your not a fabulous mother I’m sure you are even at 46.... just because I think it’s a bit old does that change anything NO? I can still think your fab!"

I totally agree with this.

Paintedmaypole · 02/01/2021 23:50

Someone has complained that their young Mum left them all the time to go partying. Someone else hascomplained that her older Mum constantly phoned her and madedemands on her when she was at uni. Neither of these problems are about age, they are about character. I have said before that MN is a very ageist place. Many posts on here are not about the practicalities or concern for the child, they are about a visceral dislike of older women, which we will all eventually become if we are lucky. We will be the same people
inside.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 02/01/2021 23:50

Your other friend is so rude! Regardless of age, I'm sure she will love her child unconditionally and support them in every way she can

Sunshiney1981 · 02/01/2021 23:53

I’m actually heartened by all the support from women to women on this thread.

Apart from a few narrow minded pricks who think 46 is decrepit or something and that your ovaries have shrivelled up, many responses have been open minded, supportive, intelligent and kind.

I’d ever thought about it before but the whole notion that as a woman you’re ‘over the hill’ at 35 or 40 and that your reproductive system suddenly shuts down is more misogynistic bullshit. More of the same crap meant to keep women tamed and in their place.

CaptainSandy · 02/01/2021 23:54

nobody is saying your not a fabulous mother I’m sure you are even at 46....

Even at 46? How bloody rude Grin

PolkadotGiraffe · 02/01/2021 23:54

[quote Dreahil1]@PolkadotGiraffe the thing is most people have an idea of when they want to be a mother. To start calling people pricks and getting uptight and denying all knowledge of others people’s view isn’t going to end well.

We are all all not going to agree (as usual on MN). I’m not sure why some seem so offended nobody is saying your not a fabulous mother I’m sure you are even at 46.... just because I think it’s a bit old does that change anything NO? I can still think your fab![/quote]
I must have missed where I called anyone a prick. Or perhaps you made that up...

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/01/2021 23:54

How is 46 too old to have a baby? Would people say that about a man?

Noti23 · 02/01/2021 23:56

I do think 46 is a bit old but if she were my friend then I’d be over the moon for her. If this woman is “outraged” then she’s not a real friend.

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 23:59

@CaptainSandy

nobody is saying your not a fabulous mother I’m sure you are even at 46....

Even at 46? How bloody rude Grin

That was the argument originally wasn’t it? That’s where I took the age from it’s not something I just randomly made up.

You seem as though you want it all. Crack on.

Dreahil1 · 03/01/2021 00:01

@PolkadotGiraffe a couple of posters have used the word prick.

Is that all you took from my post?

CaptainSandy · 03/01/2021 00:02

You seem as though you want it all. Crack on.

What do you mean by want it all?

Dreahil1 · 03/01/2021 00:05

@CaptainSandy

You seem as though you want it all. Crack on.

What do you mean by want it all?

In terms have having a debate and only wanting posters to agree with you Blush “even at 46 how rude”. Grin
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