To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

[Tellmelies65]

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

It’s unusual to conceive naturally at 46 and have a successful pregnancy. Like HaggisBurger, I wonder if the friend in question had IVF with donor eggs. She might also have used her own frozen eggs.

Using donor eggs seems to increase the risk of certain pregnancy complications, however (assuming the egg donor is much younger), donor eggs would greatly reduce the risk of the baby having a chromosomal disorder.

It’s all quite complicated and I don’t know how old is “too old”. However, if a woman goes through the menopause at a normal age, I personally don’t think that carrying a baby after that wouldn’t be a good idea. The sad story of María del Carmen Bousada de Lara (who gave birth at 66 and died of ovarian cancer at 69), makes me wonder if pregnancy hormones might be harmful after a certain age.

What do you consider a normal age to go through menopause then Cattenberg?

She’ll be more knackered than she can possibly comprehend, and the child may suffer as a result.

This sounds like prejudice talking. Lots of younger mothers find it difficult with a young baby, maybe because they have limited life experience.
Someone older who's dealt with difficult situations before is far more likely to take it in their stride. And physical tiredness is one thing, fair enough it may be more of a problem for some older mothers, you just deal with that. The sleep deprivation stage only lasts 6 months or so after all. Having resilient mental health is far more important.

People still seem to think the most important thing a woman can bring to any relationship, even as a parent, is youth. Says a lot about the internalised misogyny in society and sadly on here.

What a wise and important point.

46 would be early to start the menopause.. surely it's more like 50 plus for most women?

@Cattenberg 46 is not “after the menopause” for most women FYI.

As a 45 year old woman, only one of my similarly aged friends is menopausal.

It's quite old and they might find it hard, but it's no one else's business. If you conceive naturally then you are not too old! We have relatives who had their only child at 46, they had actually given up as then had been trying for 4 years then naturally conceived

I would have thought conceiving at 46 unlikely but clearly not impossible, i have a friend whose mum had her at 51!! ( completely natural it was before any infertility treatments were available)
Good for her, I think if its something she always wanted but hadn't met the right man until now its kinda amazing.
I think your mutual friend she have kept quiet. Shes undoubtedly an older mum but can still be a brilliant mum. If shes fit, healthy and young at heart she will do just fine.
A male friend recently became a first time father at 47 as far as im aware he has had no negative comments, there is huge difference of attitudes shown to older mothers compared to older fathers.

My grandparents were 30 years older than my parents, and even with that biggish gap, my parents were having to deal with their own parents health problems and eventual deaths when they themselves were mid to late sixties. My dad was travelling to a foreign country every month to see his dad and my mum was driving a 10 hour round trip every 3 weeks to see her mum. That kind of traveling was really stressful for them, even though when younger they used to travel all the time. It would actually have been far easier if my parents had been 10 years younger when they were dealing with all that.

Perhaps in their situation. Every family is different. In my own personal view, I would not choose for my children to be potentially caring for me and/or their Dad during a time when they would be enjoying their first taste of freedom away from home.
In my case I wasnt carefree, but a young parent and had to navigate that as well as my older father’s death. It would have been a lot easier to manage in my 30s or 40s or when my children were older. I had an older parent and for that reason chose to be a young parent. I based my choice on my own experiences. I did not enjoy being the child of an older parent. That’s not to say I didn’t love my Dad, but it did present challenges and as a teenager I felt different to my friends. Things like people thinking he was my grandad were excruciating at that age. Again, I wouldn’t judge or comment on anyone’s choice. It would just not be mine

@bluebluezoo

It’s incredibly unlikely she conceived other than via ivf plus donor egg

No it isn’t. Pregnancy in your 40’s is normal. Less likely, and higher risk, but not unusual.

Do you think women become magically infertile at 40, possibly 15 years before menopause?

It’s widely known that you need contraception up until at least a year without periods, because you know, pregnancy.

Like I said I’m 48 without any sign of menopause yet, and women in my family usually have period well into their 50’s. i’m asked every dr’s appt if I’m using contraception, because many, many women think that their symptoms are menopause, stop using contraception and get pregnant.

Exactly! I'm in my 50s and still have zero menopause symptoms. I can tell that I'm still ovulating, so I'm very careful about contraception. I'm every bit as fit as I was in my 30s when I had my DC - possibly more so. I don't want any more at this point but I wouldn't judge another woman for having her first at 45 or 50.

Sticking my head above the parapet here to say that I became a mum to a new born baby at the age of 50 (fosterer/adopter). I also have a DD of 13. As far as I’m concerned, I’m fit as a flea, BMI of 19.5, I walk eight miles a day and I eat and drink very healthily as I want to stay alive as long as possible for my children. I won the parents’ race at my DD2’s last nursery sports day - and there were mums there probably half my age.

Don’t forget that the life expectancy in the UK is dropping as younger generations become less and less healthy, sadly.

Your friend has probably got at least 35 good years ahead of her, and more if she’s taken care of herself, in which to be a brilliant parent. Isn’t that enough?

@miserableannie

Imagine being assumed your granny at the school gates. Beyond embarrassing

This happened all the time when my dad picked me up.

I am shocked at some of what I am reading on here. Why would having an older parent be embarrassing? Some posters have a very negative reaction to older people in general. For health reasons it would be preferrable to have children before 40 but life doesn't work out the same way for everyone. Some young women have strange ideas about how it feels to be menopausal and what the energy levels of someone in their 50s are like. My grandmothers had their last child at 44 and 46, although they were last of a larger family , some women have always been able to conceive naturally in their 40s. The age of meopause varies. I was still having regular periods until I had a hysterectomy at 58. I obviously don't know ifI was fertile as I had my children around 30 but I certainly didn't feel unwell or lacking in energy. At nearly 70 perhaps I would be a bit out of touch for someone in their early 20s but I'm not at a stage where anyone needs to worry about me. I say good luck to OP's friend. As other posters have said no one knows whether they will be a person who develops health problems early or is energetic into old age. There may be problems such as caring for elderly parents and young children at the same time but anyone can have unpredictable challenges in life. Energy might fade but some people develop more patience etc as they get older. There may be challenges but 'outrageous' is an odd word to use. Some posters have such negativity towards ageing that they must be terrified.

For those younger and saying its wrong, how feckinf lucky you are to have met the right man to marry. Not everyone is fortunate enough, so instead of sticking the knife in more abit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

I'd have love to have found my other half by now but I haven't and now I know thay by the time I do and have a child I'm gonna have to out up with people judging me for having a child 'so late'

Wow how unkind society can be.

Some of the attitudes on here are vile.

@cyclingmad

For those younger and saying its wrong, how feckinf lucky you are to have met the right man to marry. Not everyone is fortunate enough, so instead of sticking the knife in more abit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

I'd have love to have found my other half by now but I haven't and now I know thay by the time I do and have a child I'm gonna have to out up with people judging me for having a child 'so late'

Wow how unkind society can be.

This.

I’m also utterly horrified that some posters seem to indicate that past a certain age, you should abort a child simply because they see it as “unfair”/“unacceptable”. I was a later, unplanned baby. I’m grateful I was born and pretty disgusted that some people think I should have been aborted instead.

Great. She is going to have a bebe and go through menopause at the same time. Plus all the healthrisks for bebe...plus the complications plus the fact that people will think her kid is her grandkid. Plus bebe will probably be an only child as well..

For me it is a no.

I’m grateful I was born and pretty disgusted that some people think I should have been aborted instead.

That is truly fucked up.

I wonder how many people are projecting due to personal experience.

For example,if my dad waited until 46 to have me, I would have lost him at 11 years old . I was still fairly young when he died (mid twenties) but at least I was an adult and managed to support my mum who completely lost it, stopped eating, had depression and was suicidal. So that will obviously affect my view, even if you can lose a parent at any age.

I really doubt many people would say this about a father this age. So what is the issue, if she has a healthy child?

NameChange84 that's it. How many children of older parents would say, oh you know what, I'd rather not have been born?
Of course we all want our parents with us for as many years as possible but the sheer venom and disgust directed at a woman for having a baby a few years older than the norm is disturbing. I don't understand why it would evoke such a strong opinion.

@Yeahnahmum

Great. She is going to have a bebe and go through menopause at the same time. Plus all the healthrisks for bebe...plus the complications plus the fact that people will think her kid is her grandkid. Plus bebe will probably be an only child as well..

For me it is a no.

Wtf is a Bebe?! If she’s is pregnant she is clearly NOT going through the menopause or is likely to anytime soon.

@SnackSizeRaisin

Why would someone that’s younger have less patience confused. I have tons and I have more ‘means’ then a lot of people 10 years older then me.

Maybe as you get older you will become less judgemental of others' decisions? Currently you sound very fixed in your view that your way is the only right way, which may not benefit your children if they have other ideas!

I wrote one post before the one you quoted and I’m entitled to my opinion so I don’t know what you are banging on about saying ‘I’m fixed in my views’.... of course I am, they are my views and if my daughter decided to have a child at 46 then I’d tell her my view on the situation at the time.

@CrotchBurn

Selfish. So by the time her kid is ready to set off and explore life away from home s/he will have a 70 year old mother to worry about

And yet men having children in their 40s is ok? Who is worrying about the fathers in their 70s??

@Vladeline

Having a child by its nature is a selfish act, however if you do it younger then you are giving the kid a good start.

46 is selfish because it’s unarguably about the parent. It’s no longer ‘I want a baby’ but ‘I want a baby in spite of the effects an older parent will have on the child, it’s all about what I WANT.’ It’s inherently selfish and there’s no point denying that because times have changed.

I come at this from a harsher angle than most as a child of older parents. My mum was 45 when I was born and dad was 49. I hated having older parents. They had no energy for me. They didn’t feel like parents sometimes as the gap was so big. I was embarrassed in the playground and jealous of the young mums. I was very much treated as property, the child my mum HAD to have as she had a RIGHT. She didn’t understand modern parenting and was prudish. She didn’t even try to understand. She gave me a lot of issues around food and sex which she passed down from her older thinking. My grandparents were all dead before I was double figures. My dad was also a horrible old drunk. My mum is now elderly and I’m forced to look after her when trying to live my own life. She used to call me constantly with various ailments while I was at uni. I always felt obliged to take care of her and was guilted into feeling this way. I didn’t start dating until my twenties because my mum wouldn’t cut the apron strings. I have always sworn not to have kids past a certain age, and maybe that’s hard to hear for older mums, but it’s not about them. It’s about the kid.

Whilst it’s sad that some people meet the right person late, sadly that’s the hand of fate. Nobody has a right to bring a life into the world, and denying that just because you want to have a kid is selfish. Everyone who says ‘so what if I’m older? Times have changed. Women can have it all.’ Blah blah blah. Bollocks. I hate it all. Try being the child in this scenario. Try just THINKING about the poor kid before you decide to create them just for your own purposes.

Sorry for the rant. I feel very strongly about this and hate the way people put the mother first. And you can say I’m unlucky, but I speak from experience, so I feel like my POV is valid.

I am the child in this scenario.

My parents were older parents. I have an older sibling nearly 18 years older than me. But honestly, those times seem so trivial when I look back and consider how stable and loving their parenting of me was.

My older siblings have often said that I got it better than them, because when they were born, mum and dad were very young, struggling financially, with a lot of issues, still learning, but I was born into a really stable upbringing. And yes, looking back I can see how my friends who happen to have younger parents did not necessarily have it easier or better than me. Sadly, Some of my school friends have lost their parents young, even though their parents were quite young when they were born. Mine are still going strong into their 70s.

Sorry I can’t share your experience. My parents were, and are fantastic parents.

Yes, there were times I was self-conscious and embarrassed about them being at least 10 years older than my friends parents.

In fact, when I was still young, my older siblings moved out and had their own families and my parents then decided to become foster parents.

They are still fostering into their 70s now although they will soon be retiring.

I used to work in social care and used to come across parents (young and old and in between) who deliberately chose to have children with drug and alcohol addictions, parents who had severe (as in, requiring long term hospital admission) mental health issues, parents who would choose to have more and more children after their children had been removed because of abuse or neglect. That’s selfish. But no one ever says that. They wish them well and generally believe that they can be given a chance to parent their child. I also used to work in a young mother and baby residential home, where some of the young mums (I know not all young mothers are like this obviously) would genuinely give their babies to staff to look after because they wanted to sleep or wanted to go out to meet friends. There were also of course some mothers in the home who were absolutely fantastic mothers. The point I am making is that being young may be biologically optimal but is not necessarily the peak point in life to have children.

To say a woman who is having a longed for baby at 46 is selfish - and many of the responses on this thread are frankly ageist and sexist.

Wtf is a Bebe?! If she’s is pregnant she is clearly NOT going through the menopause or is likely to anytime soon.

Bebe is baby. Pretty obvious really, particularly since it's used in the name of some quite well known maternity/baby shops.