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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 02/01/2021 21:46

It’s incredibly unlikely she conceived other than via ivf plus donor egg

No it isn’t. Pregnancy in your 40’s is normal. Less likely, and higher risk, but not unusual.

Do you think women become magically infertile at 40, possibly 15 years before menopause?

It’s widely known that you need contraception up until at least a year without periods, because you know, pregnancy.

Like I said I’m 48 without any sign of menopause yet, and women in my family usually have period well into their 50’s. i’m asked every dr’s appt if I’m using contraception, because many, many women think that their symptoms are menopause, stop using contraception and get pregnant.

Frenchdressing · 02/01/2021 21:49

I conceived at 46 without IVF or donor egg.

sortmylifeoutplease · 02/01/2021 21:49

You sound like a great friend OP. It's not too old or bodies wouldn't allow it. If it's selfish to the child...alternative is child not being conceived and born ...I'm sure the child will prefer to be born! Congratulations to your friend.

Grapewrath · 02/01/2021 21:55

My personal view is that it’s too old. By the time that baby leaves home the mum will be elderly and it’s likely she’ll be an only child. That’s a big weight for a young person to carry alone at such a young age
However your friend was not asked her opinion and was very rude and unkind

ImnotCarolineHirons · 02/01/2021 21:55

Nobody would say "too old " for a man of this age.

Well the man doesn't have to go through pregnancy, labour and birth does he? Such a daft comment when the health risks are all borne by the woman (and unborn child). Not to mention it's highly likely she will be the main carer for the child, which is exhausting in itself.

It would be too old for me, but I would just wish her well and support her where I could.

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 21:56

Ridiculous theory “if your body will allow it”. Your body is really resilient and will take a lot like being an alcoholic or a substance abuser shall we do it until the body allows it Confused

NotMyDayJob · 02/01/2021 21:58

Given the fertility problems I have had, she gives me hope! If you can conceive naturally (not a statement on fertility treatment, just noting the biology) you're obviously not too old

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/01/2021 21:58

@Grapewrath

My personal view is that it’s too old. By the time that baby leaves home the mum will be elderly and it’s likely she’ll be an only child. That’s a big weight for a young person to carry alone at such a young age However your friend was not asked her opinion and was very rude and unkind
A lot of people aren’t leaving home until their parents are retired but that is more to do with the fucked housing market than anything. I wouldn’t class 60’s as elderly either.
Charlie63849 · 02/01/2021 21:59

Far too old at 45, poor kid.

Pastnowfuture · 02/01/2021 21:59

Congratulations to your friend. In my opinion health is more important than age. Heavy smoker, heavy drinker who consumes mostly processed foods, does no excercise and is struggling with mental health would be more of a worry X

honeybee88 · 02/01/2021 22:00

Cant make out the emoticon?

chillibeansauce · 02/01/2021 22:01

She will have more means and more patience than all those negative pricks who had their kids much younger on this thread. 46 isn't that old anymore!

Frenchdressing · 02/01/2021 22:04

@Charlie63849

Far too old at 45, poor kid.
🙄🙄🙄🙄
SnackSizeRaisin · 02/01/2021 22:04

Well it's obviously not too old as it's biologically possible. And having a child is always selfish. It's an instinct to pass on our DNA.

People who already have children may well feel that they personally wouldn't have the energy, but people without children are generally much less tired and more energetic, because they don't have children, so obviously view it differently.

For me it would be older than ideal but that is a purely personal view based on my own health. It doesn't apply to anyone else. I also have a pregnant friend who is 46 and it never occurred to me to think it was outrageous.

Somanysocks · 02/01/2021 22:05

Her reproductive system clearly thinks she's not too old.

Congratulations to her.

Charlie63849 · 02/01/2021 22:05

@chillibeansauce

She will have more means and more patience than all those negative pricks who had their kids much younger on this thread. 46 isn't that old anymore!
Why would someone that’s younger have less patience Confused. I have tons and I have more ‘means’ then a lot of people 10 years older then me.
Grapewrath · 02/01/2021 22:09

Late 60s isn’t old as such but at far greater risk of illness than a young person. That would be a worry for me personally.
My dad died when I was young and that was partly lifestyle but definitely age was a major contributing factor. I was organising palliative care and missed my child’s first day at school due to this. I know death and illness can come at any time but I’d rather make the choice to minimise that risk as much as I could both in terms of lifestyle and age.
Also of your parents are young and one becomes ill or dies the likelihood is that their partner will still be around and capable. With two elderly parents that is less likely.
Like I said though, that is my personal opinion and it’s non of my concern what others choose to do

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/01/2021 22:10

My personal view is that it’s too old. By the time that baby leaves home the mum will be elderly and it’s likely she’ll be an only child. That’s a big weight for a young person to carry alone at such a young age

My grandparents were 30 years older than my parents, and even with that biggish gap, my parents were having to deal with their own parents health problems and eventual deaths when they themselves were mid to late sixties. My dad was travelling to a foreign country every month to see his dad and my mum was driving a 10 hour round trip every 3 weeks to see her mum. That kind of traveling was really stressful for them, even though when younger they used to travel all the time. It would actually have been far easier if my parents had been 10 years younger when they were dealing with all that.

Dawnlassie · 02/01/2021 22:11

So a lot of people think 46 is too latte/selfish to have a baby? I think its great she has spent time looking for a suitable partner and father for her child.

Its a really screwed up world when people say this is wrong, Yet we have loads of women getting knocked up as a teenager and becoming a single mum on benefits.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/01/2021 22:13

Why would someone that’s younger have less patience confused. I have tons and I have more ‘means’ then a lot of people 10 years older then me.

Maybe as you get older you will become less judgemental of others' decisions? Currently you sound very fixed in your view that your way is the only right way, which may not benefit your children if they have other ideas!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/01/2021 22:14

@Dawnlassie

So a lot of people think 46 is too latte/selfish to have a baby? I think its great she has spent time looking for a suitable partner and father for her child.

Its a really screwed up world when people say this is wrong, Yet we have loads of women getting knocked up as a teenager and becoming a single mum on benefits.

It's not an either /or situation.
Sunshiney1981 · 02/01/2021 22:15

There’s chronological age and there’s biological age.

Her body clearly deems she not too old.
It clearly didn’t get the mumsnet memo 🙄

Congratulations to your friend.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/01/2021 22:18

@Dawnlassie

So a lot of people think 46 is too latte/selfish to have a baby? I think its great she has spent time looking for a suitable partner and father for her child.

Its a really screwed up world when people say this is wrong, Yet we have loads of women getting knocked up as a teenager and becoming a single mum on benefits.

People still seem to think the most important thing a woman can bring to any relationship, even as a parent, is youth. Says a lot about the internalised misogyny in society and sadly on here.
Mummadeeze · 02/01/2021 22:19

Some children are brought up by their grandparents and still thrive. I am shocked by how judgmental people are being. I am 46 and could easily bring up a child now in terms of my energy levels. Having a loving home is the most important factor, so I am sure everything will work out just fine for your friend. I am thrilled for her and hope there are no complications.

CoffeeRunner · 02/01/2021 22:19

In an ideal world, she would have had her baby earlier.

I know of a lady in her early 50’s who is (rightfully) being praised & supported for adopting her baby grandson. His parents are addicts & unable to raise him. Circumstances aren’t always ideal. But it doesn’t mean that either child won’t have a very happy & settled life.