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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
miserableannie · 02/01/2021 20:18

@Bluebluezoo your dad must have had a bloody hard paper round if he was assumed to be your grandparent at 30. Also you and he should have been embarrassed. I certainly would have been

Micah · 02/01/2021 20:18

Imagine being assumed your granny at the school gates. Beyond embarrassing

Imagine not knowing it’s “you’re”. How embarrassing.

We can all be judgemental and rude. When you are perfect feel free to judge away...

Robbybobtail · 02/01/2021 20:19

I think it’s too old personally but can only go off my own experiences and that of friends. One friend is an older mum and looks permanently knackered- She’s told me she wishes she’d had them much earlier. I had my last dc at 33 and I knew that was it for me - I was actually classed as an “older mum” then as well and was offered extra checks for Down’s syndrome etc from what I can remember - I recall being quite shocked at the time!

I suppose if she’s conceived naturally and it’s her last chance then who is to say it’s wrong - if I were in her shoes now (I’m 40) I can’t say I’d have an abortion - but I wouldn’t be happy either, more worried about what a struggle it would be when Dh and I are at a stage in our life where we’re getting some freedom back.

starray · 02/01/2021 20:19

@Maddison12

Sorry but I agree 46 is too old. When the child is 13 she'll be 60, people will think she's the child's gran.
And who cares what people think?
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 20:20

@Maddison12

Sorry but I agree 46 is too old. When the child is 13 she'll be 60, people will think she's the child's gran.
but 58 when she is 13 would be acceptable to you? Grin

See how ridiculous you sound?

miserableannie · 02/01/2021 20:20

@Micah I don't need to be perfect to judge. I will judge as I please. I gave my view, wasn't that the point of the thread. Smart arse

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 20:21

if the worst that happens to a child is having well-off parents, in established careers, who have got all their youth and partying out of their system, and are now happy to concentrate on a child and are more dynamic than many "younger" posters on here...

I'll wait a bit before crying I think.

miserableannie · 02/01/2021 20:22

@gypsywater my children go to private school. Good assumption though pet

bluebluezoo · 02/01/2021 20:22

your dad must have had a bloody hard paper round if he was assumed to be your grandparent at 30. Also you and he should have been embarrassed. I certainly would have been

No, just genetics.

Why should I be embarrassed? I was always more embarrassed for those who judged without engaging their brains and assumed grey hair = elderly. He did not look old at all bar the grey hair.

Their ignorance, not mine.

gypsywater · 02/01/2021 20:23

@miserableannie Of course they do Grin

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 20:23

WHO are all these posters who can't stay up and feel like elderly pensioners when they reach mid-40s? Ever considered starting a sport or physical activity to wake you up a bit? Sounds ghastly.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 20:24

[quote gypsywater]@miserableannie Of course they do Grin[/quote]
and their youthful mother is forever confused for the nanny or older sister I bet Grin

PamDenick · 02/01/2021 20:24

Cherie Blair
Halle Berry
Geena Davis
Susan Sarandon
Geri Horner

Hardly decrepit, are they?

gypsywater · 02/01/2021 20:26

Private schools are FULL of older parents!

Imapotato · 02/01/2021 20:26

@HeavyHeidi

Just because the gamble paid off for you, doesn’t mean it will for everyone. So while I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s selfish, I do think it is better to have your children under 40 if at all possible (I know that it isn’t for everyone).

Honestly, it's not like I or OP's imaginary friend were just sitting around thinking that hmm, shall I have kids when I'm 26 or 36? Nah, 46 is much better to try! The gamble here is to have a child when you're 46, or not have children at all. Deciding that oh yeah 36 would have been better is not really an option, is it?

Well obviously! I’m sure you’d have had them younger if you could have. (Though many people on mumsnet seem to think 40+ is the optimum age to have kids).

My point was that that the risk of having a baby at 46 might be too much of a risk for some people whether they have had kids previously or not. Someone may not have had the chance before, but maybe had a parent that who had a stroke in their 50s and so decided that for them having a baby that late was not a risk they were prepared to take, though they may have always wanted kids.

So you decided to take that risk and it’s worked out, but others may have a different life experiences which give them a different view. Still I wouldn’t say anything in real life as it’s non of my business.

Justgorgeous · 02/01/2021 20:27

@miserableannie Maybe your children can teach you some manners then. You come across as very unkind pet.

FlyingPandas · 02/01/2021 20:28

I had my third child at nearly 41 - not because I wanted to, but because we'd had fertility issues prior to that. Wouldn't life be amazing if we could all just have a baby at the click of our fingers at the perfect time?!

But life isn't like that. There are so many babies brought into the world who are not planned for, nor cared for properly, nor loved. Those are the ones I feel sad for.

I doubt anyone actively plans to have their first child at 46, but life happens and sometimes it's a case of just being grateful for what you have. It sure as hell won't be easy for your friend OP, but I would imagine this baby is very much wanted and will be very much loved and well cared for and frankly, if that is the case, then that's wonderful.

AlwaysLatte · 02/01/2021 20:29

It is interesting how times have changed though. My mum was 30 when I was born and my Dad was 29, and I thought they were quite old (and they had both been married before with children aged 10, 9, 8 and 6 between them when I was born!). Fast forward and our two were born when I was 36 and 39 and my husband was 57 and 59 with grown up children himself. They're 12 and 10 now and their big brothers dote on them. One of the big pluses is that we both took early retirement to give them lots of time and so they grew up used to seeing us both at the school gates for pickup. 10 years before that and they would have spent most of their early years with a childminder (which is OK too of course, just not what we personally wanted). Every situation is different so no judging is necessary.

cyclingmad · 02/01/2021 20:30

For a those acting that over 45 you have little energy we maybe thats you but its not everyone.

At 38 I go to festivals I have friends older than me that also go, we will be dancing 12hr straights 4 days in a row and have plenty of energy. I've seen alot of people in their mid 40s, t0s and 60s attend the event.

Sometimes when people I meet at these places find out how old I am you knownwhat they say, wow I hope I have as much energy as you do when I'm older.

So I think its incredibly judgemental for people to say you won't have energy when your older, that might be true for some but many it isnt.

Isn't that why we have people on here moaning about men going out cycling hours on end when their 40 and 50. Tell you now you need alot of energy for that.

Stop with the ageism its disgusting

I actually asked my doctor about how late I could have a child as at 38 I'm concerned about how long it might take me to find right person and their advice was before 45 is best because risk of downs syndrome i belive it is is lower and also you might menopause earlier than most after 45 isn't a problem but risk of downs syndrome increases as well as it being more difficult to conceive. But she emphasised as long as your healthy its fine.

So yea I would love to have my first child before 45 but if it happens at 46 I'm not going to give too figs to what anyone says. And I certainly won't care about strangers mistaking me for a grandmother why would I get two hoots about what strangers think.

honeybee88 · 02/01/2021 20:32

Had my last at 55......little frozen embryo.......she is my joy! If you feel like it...and can afford it....whos business is it. Oh yea...I have an aunt who has voiced her ' disgust' (😂😂😂) ....sad people.Have your children whenever you want them. If you are allowed by the regulating authority....freeze your eggs/ embryo before you turn 40. Then enjoy being a mature mum. I can recommend it....more time...more knowledge and more no nonsense attitude now. Love you all....mature mums!! I just dont care what people say....I am happy. Xx💝

Thedogscollar · 02/01/2021 20:32

@miserablannie
Your username fucking suits you doesn't it. You sound like a fucking mean, judgemental, up your own arse sort of fucker.

AlwaysLatte · 02/01/2021 20:35

@honeybee88 🥰

randomer · 02/01/2021 20:36

It's not about ageism,its biology.The 46 year old will have all that oestrogen running through her.Trust me,when that departs you wouldn't want a hormonal pre teen demanding attention.

randomer · 02/01/2021 20:38

Your sense of entitlement is disgusting@honeybee88

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2021 20:41

That's life. She can have babies as long as he is able if she wants. No one elses decision but hers. My mum had me at 42 (her first) and would have had more if dad hadnt been so worried about health implications for her