To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

[Tellmelies65]

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

I will be 44 when I have the little boy I am pregnant with. Being post a chemo regimen that usually destroys fertility and age means the fact that I am pregnant is baffling but amazing. I chose to keep my gift. Does my age make me selfish?!

Beautiful - thanks for sharing and congratulations to you

"In the context of you judging mid-40s mothers because YOU feel old and tired.. unless you are in your 80s, you DO sound old before your years!"

I haven't judged. I've just said people get more tired as they get older. Outside lockdown I have an active social life. Are you telling me that other middle aged people regularly go out Friday and Saturday night and stay out until the morning, go out many nights during the week and also work full time?
Can you give me a breakdown of your grandma's night life then so I can see where I'm going wrong?

I’ve got two children oldest is in secondary, youngest juniors. I’m 40 since December. We might try to have another one, am I too old?!!

No I don’t think it’s too old, I think there’s a very narrow window of acceptable on Mumsnet, I remember a thread where many posters were in agreement that 24/25 was too young for a first baby, yet many threads about being pregnant at 40 have lots of replies about it being too old.

I’m always a bit suspicious of the statistics as well. A google search brings up ‘experts’ claiming pregnancy at 45 is almost impossible naturally and happens rarely. Yet in the past you’d have a lot of women in their mid-late 40s having their last baby. Hasn’t the mum from the huge ‘kids and counting’ family had a good few children past the age of 40, with really small gaps between each?

@TableFlowerss

I’ve got two children oldest is in secondary, youngest juniors. I’m 40 since December. We might try to have another one, am I too old?!!

obviously not in my opinion.

Middle youth

And also I think the spacing would help a lot!

Are you telling me that other middle aged people regularly go out Friday and Saturday night and stay out until the morning, go out many nights during the week and also work full time?

No, because we can't be arsed as there are more interesting things to do. Not because we all fall asleep in our dressing gowns by 9.30

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

posters saying OPs friend conceived so that’s ok... does the same not apply for a 13 year old now

It applies to both. Technically, a 50 year old and a 12 year old might be physically able to get pregnant but that doesnt mean either is a good idea or that it will be in the best interests of the child.

I am not sure how you can argue that a 13 year old child with no experience, no education, no independence, no chance of holding their own job, having their own property would have anything to offer a child, and wouldn't miss out completely on life by being a mother.

Having a child in your 40s when you are ready on all levels, and still very much young enough and more than fit enough can absolutely be in the best interest of the child.

There are enough of naturally conceived babies to prove that it's absolutely fine, and they won't be penalised throughout their lives.

My Great Grandmother had her last at 45, she was fine and lived until 90s. Hope your friend enjoys this special time

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

I will be 44 when I have the little boy I am pregnant with. Being post a chemo regimen that usually destroys fertility and age means the fact that I am pregnant is baffling but amazing. I chose to keep my gift. Does my age make me selfish?!

Congratulations!!

My mum was 43 and I just feel grateful she had me

@G5000

Are you telling me that other middle aged people regularly go out Friday and Saturday night and stay out until the morning, go out many nights during the week and also work full time?

No, because we can't be arsed as there are more interesting things to do. Not because we all fall asleep in our dressing gowns by 9.30

Well, having the children meant we didn't do as much night clubbing

I am not sure how you can argue that a 13 year old child with no experience, no education, no independence, no chance of holding their own job, having their own property would have anything to offer a child, and wouldn't miss out completely on life by being a mother

I never said that! I said that the "mother nature" argument is a load of rubbish. Which it is.

My first reaction was 'oh my god' but that's because I am 41 with 2 teenagers and would rather chew my legs off than start again now. But she's not in my shoes, and I'm not in hers. Good luck to her OP

My mil was 47 when she had my husband. No problems at all. He had a wonderful upbringing

Its not just a pregnancy or a baby. Those are fleeting moments in time. My mum had me in mid forties as her first and i was always the one with the older mum that looked like her granny. I had mine very young and kind of grew up with them. In hindsight.. my mother was more tolerant and calmer than I was. Yes i had more energy as a younger mum but thats not whats its all about.

My SIL (married to DH's DB) had her first and only last year, at 46 and they're are coping marvellously - their child is hugely loved by the whole family!

She didn't meet her DH until she was 39, then had several miscarriages, before successfully carrying their baby. She had always wanted children - was a wonderful Auntie to our DDs - and although even she admits that 46 is not ideal, it's where they are and they are happy!

I think 46 would be too old for me, but I had mine in my late 20's - I suspect if I hadn't met DH until later, like she did, I'd have carried on trying as long as I could. I wouldn't judge someone else's choices, never having lived in their shoes.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies How wonderful!

So many congratulations to you.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I am not sure how you can argue that a 13 year old child with no experience, no education, no independence, no chance of holding their own job, having their own property would have anything to offer a child, and wouldn't miss out completely on life by being a mother

I never said that! I said that the "mother nature" argument is a load of rubbish. Which it is.

well, the whole "you're too old" argument is itself a load of rubbish.

I have 4 DC and had my 4th just before my 45th birthday. I did do all the screening checks, my eldest was 18 when his brother came along. For me i made the most of my maternity leave. Took the full year instead of looking to rush back to work like i did with my others. I already slept like a lizard and sleepless nights didnt bother me. I did baby clubs, did lunches and had a lovely time. The difference for me was that my work was more stressful as I was more senior. I moved to a job which allowed me more flexibility and has worked a treat for us. My DH is very ill with a cancer diagnosis at 49, however life can take turns at any point, my DD has had two friends that lost there mums when they were 8 and 9 to cancer. Mums were in there 30s.... i wish them all the best

End of the day its noones business really.

Noone knows what that person went through previously and why they didn't have children at a younger age.

I find it hard to stomach people would rather a women hurry up and marry someone just to have kids earlier than applaud the fact a woman waited for the right partner.

Not everyone is lucky to find the right partner early.

I'm stuck having to find someone who is not only the right religion but also the right class otherwise ill be disowned, do you know how hard that is.

She fell pregnant at 46 - good on her!! Does the other friend have children of her own? Or has she been trying to fall pregnant?

I just re read my post - I wish them well was meant for the OP friends

well, the whole "you're too old" argument is itself a load of rubbish

It depends what you class as "too old" doesnt it? Thats a matter of opion and will depend very much on your personal experiences of being parented by someone older

Is she’s in the very early stages the chances of this pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby are quite slim unfortunately x

@HeavyHeidi

I had DD when I was 47, yes naturally, all my own eggs. DH was 49. We are a happy, active family with a young, happy healthy child.

But according to this thread, I should be shuffling with my walking frame in the direction of the nearest retirement home. Slowly and carefully of course, appropriately for an elderly lady..

Literally no one has said this. No one actually things that the majority of people of 50 are decrepit old ladies who need taking care of. But anyone with any sense knows that you are MORE likely to develop a serious health condition in your 50s than you are in your 30s. It is therefore more of a gamble to have a baby late and it is up to the individual to decide if that risk is acceptable to then.

Just because the gamble paid off for you, doesn’t mean it will for everyone. So while I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s selfish, I do think it is better to have your children under 40 if at all possible (I know that it isn’t for everyone).

My mum was in her 40s when she had me, and although I'm now in my 50s, she's still going strong. (Needs almost no support from me whatsoever.) I lost my dad when I was in my 40s, so I think it's silly to imagine that having a 70 yr old mum is a hardship in your 20s. On the contrary for me - mine were fit and healthy and retired, so had lots of time to help me with stuff and go on holiday etc. They had enough money to support me properly and were in a lovely, mellow stage of life, so few arguments in the house. My pal's parents had her in their 20s but both have long since passed away, leaving her to tackle parenthood etc without them to help. There are statistics but there is no formula and if your friend is able to have a baby at 46, it suggests that her body is relatively young.

Women who had their kids young are knackered by the time they hit their 40s, so they can't imagine how fit and energetic a previously child free 40 something can be.

I'm very pleased for your friend and wish her a healthy pregnancy