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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 02/01/2021 17:56

"I’m 47 and am the healthiest and most energetic I’ve ever been. I can operate on less sleep and feel great, I also had an MOT a year ago and have the health attributes of a women 20 years younger. So honestly you really are only able to speak for yourself and not all women in their forties."

I mentioned in my comment that I'm talking about all my friends as well. I don't know any who stay out much after midnight on a regular basis any more and we did in our 30s.

Ragwort · 02/01/2021 17:57

Why do people keep saying it's 'selfish' for this woman to have a baby? To be honest all of us probably have a baby for purely 'selfish' reasons ... because we want a child of our own? What other reason is there for having a child?

Does anyone seriously think 'I'd better have a baby so he/she can grow up and pay tax in the future to contribute to the economy'? Grin

Imissmoominmama · 02/01/2021 17:58

My grandmother had my uncle at 45 and he would say that his parents were too old. However, he was unexpected and the last of 4, with a large gap; I think if he’d been a longed for and planned baby, his experience of his older parents would have been different.

m0therofdragons · 02/01/2021 17:59

She’s 46 not 56. Even if she in only lives to 70 the child will be in their 20s. My cousins’ mum died age 42 leaving them aged 11 and 14 with no mum. Life isn’t some perfectly planned out set of actions. I’m really surprised by the judgment here. My grandparents were fully active through my childhood and my parents are now aged 65.

annevonkleve · 02/01/2021 17:59

The comments on here are unbelievable! Nobody would say a man was "too old" to father a child at that age, double standards

My dad was 49 when I was born and I certainly think he was too old. It was ok when I was little and fortunately he was healthy and fit for his age - but as he got older it wasn't so great. My uncle also had a second family and is now 84 with a 21 year old son. Also not great, his health is now fading. And sperm goes off as you get older like female eggs do.

SaltyTootsieToes · 02/01/2021 18:00

I agree it’s far too old, coming from experiencing having children myself. Would I say that to my friend? No, I wouldn’t. I’d keep that opinion to myself. She’ll likely get lots of questions about her grandchild when she’s out and about in a few months and later at nursery/school events and I would never want to add to anything like that.

I’d also try to support her where I could. If she asked, tips for dealing with pregnancy, maternity clothes, stretch marks etc, parenting advice, tips for settling baby and an ear/shoulder when she needs it. Ofer if asked not given without being asked.

Plus adult company/conversation should she need it.

With that said, I’ll be honest. Now that my kids are older I have no desire to do the little children things any longer nor do I enjoy all the running around, yelling etc of children that used to not bother me when I went places with my own children so I think I’d have a hard time spending my free time doing those things with my friend and her child when they reach that age (been there, bought the T-shirt).

glas14368 · 02/01/2021 18:00

Personally I would not want to be starting out with a baby at that age.

However, if I had trouble conceiving, I don't know when I would give up. Giving up the chance to be a mother must be incredibly hard.

A very much wanted baby is a good thing.

No one should comment on someone else's circumstances - would your friend have said someone was too poor to have children.

Yohoheaveho · 02/01/2021 18:00

that child is likely to be faced with the idea of elderly parents who may themselves require care needs before they have even had a chance to live their own life
a child has no duty of care to it's own parents though...I wouldnt want my adult children to curtail their lives by caring for me so it's up to me to make provision for my own needs

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/01/2021 18:00

I guess many women simply wouldn't have the energy to parent teens when they're 51.

Parenting is not binary. It’s very possible to parent both energetically and sedately. Few 51 year-olds will be incapable of parenting to the extent that their teen has to be cared for by someone else! Do you also believe that disabled people should not have children?

OuiOuiKitty · 02/01/2021 18:00

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Why does no one ever accuse young parents of being selfish? My parents had me in their teens, they had no money, no career and no home for the first 6 months of my life. Wasn’t this incredibly selfish and irresponsible?
They do. All the time. I read a thread just yesterday proclaiming that young mums are dim, it is selfish to have a kid young and they should be brought for an abortion.

It's only ageism on mumsnet if you say anything at all negative about older people you can call young people all you like and it doesn't blow up like anything that suggests older people have actually aged.

annevonkleve · 02/01/2021 18:01

I am 48 and someone I was at school with had a baby in October. I feel fitter than I have ever done, but I don't think my body could grow a baby now. It wasn't that great at it when I was 30!

goldengrove · 02/01/2021 18:02

I'm appalled by how much negativity and judgemental commentary there is here. Why not congratulate and offer support to the older mum-to-be? I had my first and only DC aged 45. Yes he's had some issues but I was able to give him lots of time, attention and support, and he's now 16 and growing up beautifully - he got a full set of A*s for GCSE and was the Young Musician of the Year in his school a few years ago. He helps to keep me on my toes, and as I'd got most of my full time working years behind me by the time I had him, there was less conflict between my career and his needs.Life expectancy is much longer than it used to be. Why shouldn't mothers be older if they can manage it?

annevonkleve · 02/01/2021 18:02

a child has no duty of care to it's own parents though...I wouldnt want my adult children to curtail their lives by caring for me so it's up to me to make provision for my own needs

but a lot of elderly parents do think that their kids should be caring for them - look at all the only child threads where they say "I didn't want to be a burden on one child, I wanted them to have siblings to share the burden". They absolutely do expect their children to care for them, and often at the expense of their grandchildren.

Bluebutred · 02/01/2021 18:02

Oh how amazing for her, if she’s happy and in good health/being looked after (I’m sore she will be given the age) then fuck anyone else or what they think x
Good luck to her x

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/01/2021 18:02

The comments on here are unbelievable! Nobody would say a man was "too old" to father a child at that age, double standards

Sure they would and they do- notice every time someone like mick jagger has a kid everyone says its selfish and gross and the kid wont remember him because he'll die before he has the chance to see him grow up so they absolutely do say that about men too.

Sceptre86 · 02/01/2021 18:03

At 46 she is not old but she is too old to have a baby in my opinion. That being said it is not anyone else's business and as a friend the correct response would have been along the lines of congratulations and offering help if it is needed. She will be aware she is an older parent already and is likely to get judged by other people, she doesn't need that from a friend.

Ticklytoes · 02/01/2021 18:03

Giving birth when you are 47, 57 with a ten year old, 61 by the time the child is 14.

Nightmare. I can see why a women desperate for a child would want one, but it’s not ideal. I’d think they were in for a difficult time, energy levels deplete as we get older.

caringcarer · 02/01/2021 18:03

Personally.I think you friend is mad to get pregnant at 46. However if she got pregnant naturally her body made it happen. If she got pregnant with help I would not be impressed as feel sorry for baby. I would not say anything to her except congratulations and offer her a bit of help taking baby out when it arrives in pram so she can catch up on rest. She will need support as she will get tired more easily than she would have at 30. Your other friend is just being unkind.

catnoir1 · 02/01/2021 18:03

I would never openly say that out loud even if I thought it. Mutual friends a bitch.

ItGetsBetter · 02/01/2021 18:05

I smoke like a train, drink like a fish, swear like a trooper.

I had a great career and earned shed loads.

Since the age of 6 all I ever wanted was a child.

It was a deep-seated longing.

After kissing a lot of frogs I met a man.

We married when I was 39.

At the grand old age of 43 I conceived.

I can't begin to explain how overjoyed I was.

According to the doctor I was officially a 'geriatric mother'

When my son was 6 months old his father fucked off. Leaving me penniless.

I have no family but I do have wonderful friends who rallied.

My baby son was a total JOY.

I survived the trauma of his father's disappearance.

I also got him, single-handedly, through four years of a serious illness (thankyou lovely NHS )

This is because I was OLD and experienced enough to know how to deal with the financial shit-storm, intelligent and worldly-wise enough to know how to keep the house, pay off the debts I was left with, down-size massively and in accordance with my appalling situation.

My son is 14 now. We laugh like drains together, we argue like cats, I tell him every.single.day. what a wonderful gift he is.

He in turn knows he has a VERY bad example for a mother. Hahahaha.

IMO, my awful ex-husband stole from me the chance of having a sibling for my wonderful boy. But my boy isn't bothered. We are a family. Just us. And he is loved beyond belief.

Apart from when he doesn't pick his fuggin pants up off the floor and eats all the weetos.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/01/2021 18:05

a child has no duty of care to it's own parents though...I wouldnt want my adult children to curtail their lives by caring for me so it's up to me to make provision for my own needs

You might not but plenty of parents do. This is also extremely cultural- in many cultures it is considered your DUTY to care for aging parents and if you dont it means you are a "horrible, selfish person".

Gwenhwyfar · 02/01/2021 18:05

@catnoir1

I would never openly say that out loud even if I thought it. Mutual friends a bitch.
I think that's very hypocritical. You're saying it's OK to think it, but not to say it?
Gwenhwyfar · 02/01/2021 18:06

"in many cultures it is considered your DUTY to care for aging parents and if you dont it means you are a "horrible, selfish person"."

It's the law in France!

Truthlikeness · 02/01/2021 18:06

I'm also 46 and very much wanted to have children but I wouldn't have a child now, purely because of the high risk of birth defects. If I had a friend who was pregnant I'd wish them the best and keep everything crossed.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/01/2021 18:06

@Sceptre86

At 46 she is not old but she is too old to have a baby in my opinion. That being said it is not anyone else's business and as a friend the correct response would have been along the lines of congratulations and offering help if it is needed. She will be aware she is an older parent already and is likely to get judged by other people, she doesn't need that from a friend.
But she isn't old to have one..because she is having one!