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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 02/01/2021 17:39

@Gwenhwyfar

"Majorly slowing down in life? At 46? 👀"

I'm 43 and already can't do some of the things I did in my 20s and 30s. I did the OU for years, but I don't think I could work full time and study at the same time now. I can go out during the week, but only for a couple of drinks and on the weekends I can go out either Friday night or Saturday night, but not both and I find most of my friends are the same. When we were all around 40 we all started going home around midnight so it's not just me who has a bit less energy than in my 30s.

I’m 47 and am the healthiest and most energetic I’ve ever been. I can operate on less sleep and feel great, I also had an MOT a year ago and have the health attributes of a women 20 years younger. So honestly you really are only able to speak for yourself and not all women in their forties.
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/01/2021 17:39

Vladeline your POV is valid as the experience of the child of YOUR parents.

My kids have had happy social lives in a happy active social family. With a wide group of 'school gate' friends whose parents varied between other older Mums like me and much younger ones. There was no commenting. My kids have happy loving relationships with grandparents. We are not remotely prudish and have no food issues.

I asked my (not inclined to be fake-polite in the face of their parent!) son if he had minded having an older Mum and he looked at me in a 'you what?' sort of way. And the gestured at me and said 'yeah, but your not exactly like an old person, or anything'.

I am sorry you had the experience you did - but I suspect that some of the issues you had would have happened at any age your parents were.

Lots of parents of only children take that into account and live their lives to address the difference - welcoming lots of friends into the house, taking them on holiday, keeping close relationships with cousins etc. Many Older parents take care not to enter the Victor Meldrew phase of curmudgeonly grump, and avoid elasticated waist slacks.

G5000 · 02/01/2021 17:39

if you do it younger then you are giving the kid a good start.

Generally children of teenage mums are not considered the most privileged ones.

luckylavender · 02/01/2021 17:40

I wouldn't say it to her, but I think she's too old.

SnailortheWhale · 02/01/2021 17:40

Several posters saying women shouldn’t be ‘penalised’ for not meeting someone until they’re older. Well maybe not, but life can be very unfair and it also doesn’t mean that you should have a child just because you want one, without proper consideration of ether it’s really in the child’s best interests to have pensioner parents while they’re at uni. Parenting is all about putting the child’s best interests above of your own wants, making hard choices sometimes as a result. Of course there are some quite defensive PPs who have had a child at that age but there’s also an eye opening account of someone who was born to older parents. If someone is already pregnant or has a hold at that age then of course there nothing to be done but hope for the best but I can’t help thinking it’s very selfish for anyone to choose this path on purpose.

feellikeanalien · 02/01/2021 17:41

@Icantrememebrtheartist

Here we go again! Another thread full of unpleasant judgement.

I hope your friend didn’t congratulate her ‘friend’ and then bitch behind her back.

Whether or not you consider 46 too old is purely subjective. If you had children in your 20’s/early 30’s you probably think it is. I had three children in my 40’s, good pregnancies/births and three healthy amazing children.

Life is different for everyone. Not everyone wants or is able to have children earlier in life.

This.
SnailortheWhale · 02/01/2021 17:41

*child, not hold.

AliasGrape · 02/01/2021 17:41

I can go out during the week, but only for a couple of drinks and on the weekends I can go out either Friday night or Saturday night, but not both and I find most of my friends are the same

I don’t think ‘being able for all night drinking benders’ is a requirement of successful parenting.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/01/2021 17:41

If she conceived naturally, it is definitely not too old.
I had my last at 43 and never felt too old, too lacking in anything at all in fact.
None of anyone's business anyway.

GintyMcGinty · 02/01/2021 17:41

What a hideous and ageist thread this has become. Lashings and lashings of prejudice.

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/01/2021 17:43

I'm 43 and already can't do some of the things I did in my 20s and 30s. I did the OU for years, but I don't think I could work full time and study at the same time now. I can go out during the week, but only for a couple of drinks and on the weekends I can go out either Friday night or Saturday night, but not both and I find most of my friends are the same. When we were all around 40 we all started going home around midnight so it's not just me who has a bit less energy than in my 30s.

Well, fortunately OP’s friend will be too busy caring for her child to do any of that stuff anyway!

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 17:43

@Gwenhwyfar

"Majorly slowing down in life? At 46? 👀"

I'm 43 and already can't do some of the things I did in my 20s and 30s. I did the OU for years, but I don't think I could work full time and study at the same time now. I can go out during the week, but only for a couple of drinks and on the weekends I can go out either Friday night or Saturday night, but not both and I find most of my friends are the same. When we were all around 40 we all started going home around midnight so it's not just me who has a bit less energy than in my 30s.

well, it's just you and your friends I am afraid.

Most people i know step up when they are in their 40s. Possibly less interested by going clubbing but signing up for ultra-marathon, iron man and all kind of competition.

More money, more time, more settled in their career, pretty much all my friends, colleagues and school parents are a hell of a lot more active and fitter than they were 10 or 20 years ago.

Just read statistics about the age of extreme sports and extreme competition (and their cost), as you rightly won't believe a random poster on MN.

Not bothered about going out and drinking all night like when they were students? Sounds pretty good time for having kids then, don't you? Grin

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 17:43

It would be MN land claiming that they can do what a 20 year old can do at 47.

justanotherneighinparadise · 02/01/2021 17:44

@Dreahil1

It would be MN land claiming that they can do what a 20 year old can do at 47.
What can a 20 year old do so brilliantly that a 40 year old can’t? I’m intrigued.
RandomUsernameHere · 02/01/2021 17:44

@GintyMcGinty

What a hideous and ageist thread this has become. Lashings and lashings of prejudice.
The one the other day about a teenage pregnancy was just as bad
wildraisins · 02/01/2021 17:45

@Tellmelies65

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.
How old is her partner?

If the partner is even older then I would say they are pushing it a bit and the child will be "the one with the old parents" which is a bit sad.

If her partner is her age or younger and will be around and involved then I don't see a big problem.

MrsDThomas · 02/01/2021 17:45

46 is too old to have a baby. Way too old.

mrjuno · 02/01/2021 17:45

I do think it's too old, but I wouldn't dream of saying so to any friend of mine who was happy to be pregnant at that age. I'd be far more judgy of anyone who expresses their unwanted opinion about it.

Twattergy · 02/01/2021 17:46

I think it is wonderful, and those passing judgement and saying this is awful are rude, non empathetic and sexist to boot. No one passes judgement on older dads like this.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/01/2021 17:46

Why does no one ever accuse young parents of being selfish? My parents had me in their teens, they had no money, no career and no home for the first 6 months of my life. Wasn’t this incredibly selfish and irresponsible?

Gerty554 · 02/01/2021 17:46

My DM had me at 39 so a bit younger than your friend but still quite late, she was a physically fit and active parent and remains that way now she's a grandparent to my DC. In her mid 60's she still thrives on running around with them.

Full of beans and perfectly capable in both scenarios.

Your mutual friend is being an arsehole.

Congratulations to your friend.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 02/01/2021 17:46

Would I personally want to have a child at this age? No, probably not but I've had the gift of DCs already and having some personal insight with my DPs having had a 'surprise' baby at that age. While I know my sibling is very much loved their experience of family life has been very different to mine. DPs as they got older were very settled in life and had little energy or enthusiasm for the usual young family stuff of kids birthday parties, sleepovers, play dates and holidays. They were also more cautious. All of this meant my sibling missed out on quite a lot and it has most certainly had a negative impact on their lives.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 02/01/2021 17:46

@Dreahil1

It would be MN land claiming that they can do what a 20 year old can do at 47.
I dare you to name one thing you can no longer do at 47....
warmandtoasty2day · 02/01/2021 17:47

@Dreahil1

It would be MN land claiming that they can do what a 20 year old can do at 47.
this 100% don't kid yourselves it's not true for many people
Lazypuppy · 02/01/2021 17:47

I think that is too old, and a bit selfish to put her future child in the position of having to care for an elderly parent when she is early 30s if she is lucky, it could be earlier.

I wouldn't ever comment to my friend, and i would support her, but doesn't mean i agree with her decision.