To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

[Tellmelies65]

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

I personally wouldn't want a baby at that age tbh but I'd NEVER say or send that message to a friend of mine. I'd be 100% supportive

@herecomesthsun

Lots of us have had kids natur at that age or older.

Just saying .

Sometimes it just pans out that way.

It's ok, there are pluses and minuses either way.

The main thing is that the children feel loved and are encouraged to fulfil themselves.

There isn’t A LOT of women who conceive naturally at that age. At 45yo the chance of getting pg is 3% with only 1% women having a baby.

That’s also why many women are told to go with ivf and donor egg.

I think the OP has buggered off. Can’t think why

I wouldn't judge. Congratulations to your friend and hopes that the pregnancy go smoothly.

I remember MiL telling me one of her aunts had twins at 43 after years of miscarriages (in the1940s). Really wasn't that uncommon to be an older mum before the advent of better contraception.

My great-grandmother conceived unexpectedly at 51. I woudn't be here otherwise.

Having a child by its nature is a selfish act, however if you do it younger then you are giving the kid a good start.

46 is selfish because it’s unarguably about the parent. It’s no longer ‘I want a baby’ but ‘I want a baby in spite of the effects an older parent will have on the child, it’s all about what I WANT.’ It’s inherently selfish and there’s no point denying that because times have changed.

I come at this from a harsher angle than most as a child of older parents. My mum was 45 when I was born and dad was 49. I hated having older parents. They had no energy for me. They didn’t feel like parents sometimes as the gap was so big. I was embarrassed in the playground and jealous of the young mums. I was very much treated as property, the child my mum HAD to have as she had a RIGHT. She didn’t understand modern parenting and was prudish. She didn’t even try to understand. She gave me a lot of issues around food and sex which she passed down from her older thinking. My grandparents were all dead before I was double figures. My dad was also a horrible old drunk. My mum is now elderly and I’m forced to look after her when trying to live my own life. She used to call me constantly with various ailments while I was at uni. I always felt obliged to take care of her and was guilted into feeling this way. I didn’t start dating until my twenties because my mum wouldn’t cut the apron strings. I have always sworn not to have kids past a certain age, and maybe that’s hard to hear for older mums, but it’s not about them. It’s about the kid.

Whilst it’s sad that some people meet the right person late, sadly that’s the hand of fate. Nobody has a right to bring a life into the world, and denying that just because you want to have a kid is selfish. Everyone who says ‘so what if I’m older? Times have changed. Women can have it all.’ Blah blah blah. Bollocks. I hate it all. Try being the child in this scenario. Try just THINKING about the poor kid before you decide to create them just for your own purposes.

Sorry for the rant. I feel very strongly about this and hate the way people put the mother first. And you can say I’m unlucky, but I speak from experience, so I feel like my POV is valid.

Well it happens. I’d be concerned about the age of the dad too. ASD goes up dramatically with old sperm.
I’d spend my whole pregnancy worried about the health risks frankly.
It doesn’t sound like fun.

I think it's too old but would keep my opinion to myself in this situation.

What exactly is your mutual friend concerned about? If it is physical fitness and energy then she may as well also condemn every overweight, unfit or chronically ill person of any age who decides to become a parent.

If her concern is the mother being older than average/possibly dying when her child is in his or her twenties she needs to get over herself and stop making sweeping statements when absolutely nobody can possibly know how your friend’s life, her child’s life and her partner’s life will pan out. Parents can die at any age. My father was only 53, his having me at 26 didn’t give me all that long with him. I don’t wish I had never been born!

@CaptainSandy

My great-grandmother conceived unexpectedly at 51. I woudn't be here otherwise.

♥️

I don't think she's too old but at 46 she's really going to feel the not so pleasant side effects of pregnancy

It is very selfish.

I had DD when I was 47, yes naturally, all my own eggs. DH was 49. We are a happy, active family with a young, happy healthy child.

But according to this thread, I should be shuffling with my walking frame in the direction of the nearest retirement home. Slowly and carefully of course, appropriately for an elderly lady..

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

"Old women's bodies aren't generally fit to grow babies. "

Old woman? At 46?? What is wrong with some people 😂😂😂 And surely if they weren't fit to grow babies then they wouldn't be able to grow babies...?

You just know that was written by a ‘young person’ 🤣

My auntie got 'caught' during menopause and had her son at 50 (he has a nephew older than him). He's now 40 and his mum is still alive and well. He has not suffered and had a loving and happy life with his family.

My friend had many many attempts at IVF and then at 47 got pregnant. Her daughter is 14 and Mum 60 - runs her own business and travels the world (when she can) with daughter.

It's not for everyone but the child will be loved

I’m sure the lady in question is a bit worried (as well as being over the moon!) and hoping all goes well. She doesn’t need the ill-judged comments of this “friend” to exacerbate any fears she might have.

Gosh with friends like that you certainly don’t need enemies! Some people have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon.

how old is the 'friend'?
about 11?
(she sounds childlike, no one with any maturity would behave like that!)

As a result there a number of risks I no longer take. So I find that difficult to square with a decision to have a child at an age where there is a high probability of you not being around by the time they hit their 20s

Where do you live that life expectancy is 66?

I never really got it when people said that mumsnet was ageist until I started reading these threads (of which there seems to be a new one every few days).

I’m absolutely no more tired this side of 40 than I was before I hit this supposed earth shattering milestone. Nor is anyone else. If you really think you’re going to be so exhausted by 46 that you can barely make it to the park then maybe look at your lifestyle or consult a doctor or something.

Interesting that the OP hasn’t bothered to return to the thread. Almost like it was designed to get people frothing about selfish women using their uteruses in a way that doesn’t meet some arbitrary standard.

God there is so much misinformation and ageism on these threads. Women who naturally conceive past the age of 45 have a much higher chance of getting to age 100, as they are very likely to have genes for slower aging and longevity.
And it is not usual for people in their seventies to be very frail and need care - those who are that frail at this age are often those who have led unhealthy lives, an unhealthy diet and lack of exercise really take their toll by this age. Women who conceive naturally in their late 40s and have healthy pregnancies are unlikely to have very unhealthy lifestyles.
I got pregnant easily at 46, had no complications in pregnancy, have a healthy son who is now nearly a teenager. I'm confident I'll be able to cope with caring for him, as well as my very demanding job, even in my sixties. And fortunately I don't have to worry about my father, who is fit and well at the age of 90. My late pregnancy means he also has a good chance of carrying the longevity genes, and has a higher than average chance of living to a 100.

"Majorly slowing down in life? At 46? 👀"

I'm 43 and already can't do some of the things I did in my 20s and 30s. I did the OU for years, but I don't think I could work full time and study at the same time now. I can go out during the week, but only for a couple of drinks and on the weekends I can go out either Friday night or Saturday night, but not both and I find most of my friends are the same. When we were all around 40 we all started going home around midnight so it's not just me who has a bit less energy than in my 30s.

@wherewildthingsare

I don't think she's too old but at 46 she's really going to feel the not so pleasant side effects of pregnancy

What do you mean? I was pregnant at 43, not that much younger. Breezed through it, had a straightforward vaginal delivery. I don’t feel physically much different now at 47. Surely it depends on the woman?

(And yes, I know and accept that pregnancies in women over 40 are statistically higher RISK, but if those risks do not materialise, what side effects would the older woman experience worse than any other woman?)

What I particularly notice about this thread is that there are far more posts criticising this woman for being too old than there typically are on a thread where a woman is pregnant too young, in dire financial circumstances, without the support and agreement of her partner, with inadequate housing, to a deadbeat she’s only known two minutes who already has children with someone else, has existing children who will undoubtedly be negatively impacted. Those women are cheered on by the massive, but being 46 is ‘outrageous’.

Same old MN ageism.

@Hannahmates

It is very selfish.

you know nothing of her financial situation, her level of fitness and what she can bring to the child

care to elaborate why it's "very selfish"?

My dad was 55 when I was born. He died when I was 14 and my younger sister was 9.

I know people can die at any age, but it was very hard on us kids.

From that perspective I find it selfish to have kids so late. Although it's obviously none of my business what anyone chooses to do!

Nobody has a right to bring a life into the world
what that mean though, have you got access to a list of rights that I dont know about?
As far as I can see people who want to have children will do so if they can find a way....are you saying the way should be blocked for them?