To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

[Tellmelies65]

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

Another thing in her favour is that she might not always be on her phone when she's 'playing' with her baby…

I’m a menopausal 49 year old with a three and four year old.Not what I’d planned, but I do know I’m a far better mum now than I would have been in my 30s or 20s. I’m the oldest mum at the school gate, but only just (at least three mums in DS’s class are over 45, but they also have DC in their 20s). The only time it’s ever an issue for me is on posts like this.

She'll be in her 60's when her child is a teen.
Good God, no.

"Old women's bodies aren't generally fit to grow babies. "

Old woman? At 46?? What is wrong with some people 😂😂😂 And surely if they weren't fit to grow babies then they wouldn't be able to grow babies...?

Well I'd wish your friend well (the pregnant one), and tell the other one to stfu. Really none of her business.

By the way, the 'too old at the school gate' thing is a fallacy. A quick calculation of the mums I knew at DS's primary school, through the parents and toddler groups, gives me four of us who had first children in our forties, seven who had their first in their mid to late thirties, five who were in their late twenties and one who had hers at 17. Then there were two second time mums who were in their forties too. So pretty equal on late twenties and forties TBH.

My grandmother was having babies in her 40s, as was her mother. Admittedly, not their first and probably not using contraception. My mum doesn't seem to have been harmed by it. Struggling to understand why it's so awful and selfish.

@Tellmelies65

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

What you think OP? Since it’s your friend your posting about?

@RickiTarr

Why can’t people just be pleasant FFS?

As if other people’s procreation decisions are any of their business anyway.

This

@ivfbeenbusy

Yes it's incredibly selfish

I also doubt this baby was conceived naturally and so she has used IVF with donor eggs - also selfish

Wow 😮

@Girlyracer

I think it's fine for your friend to voice her disapproving opinion to you, although not to the pregnant woman.

It's far too old. Selfish. Child may be expected to become a carer for her parent at 30 years of age!

At 46/47 she'll be bloody knackered.

High risk of pregnancy failing too. Old women's bodies aren't generally fit to grow babies. Biology means 20s much better. Can't fight biology. Life isn't fair.

My parents had me in their late teens and I started caring for my Dad in my early 30’s and now my Mum in my 40’s. It’s unlucky but not necessarily unlikely to be in my position so your reasoning is pretty flawed here.

I am 46 myself, and after already having 2 DC, would not have another one at this age. However, it is NOT about ME. OP, your friend is already pregnant and it is her first. Probably this is her one chance of becoming a mum. I would congratulate her and wish her all the best, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, and be there for her if she needs any support.

By that age I want to be majorly slowing down in life.

Lol I am “that age” and hope to be majorly speeding up .

No way am I slowing down. For what, 30 years of old age? Sitting around doing nothing?

Nope. I’m off on adventure holidays, taking up new challenges and doing all the stuff i want to do. I’m still fit and in good health. Fewer work and money pressures.

I have thought about fostering, kids or pets, but not for a few years as I have stuff to do.

@FTMF30 Just because you say so, or do you have anything to add? In the last 6 years since I had my child, my mum has been fostering two children from babyhood and hasn’t been doing anything less demanding than I have - it’s been more demanding in fact for various reasons - and she’s been doing it alone, 20 years older than me, including the last 9 months in a pandemic. But for some reason a woman in her 40s is too old. Nah.

She is too old but it’s her life her choice.

Anyway OP how old is the father (asks no one, ever).

People just love to judge women don’t they?

The person who made the comment should have kept their thoughts to themselves, obviously.

I think it's too old though. There are quite a few mums at my son's school who have children in their 20s and have had another in their late 40s. Of the ones I know they all say how much harder it is physically now they're older and say they would advise others to have them younger. 1 I'm close to said she shouldn't have let her hormones get the better of her. Although she loves her daughter, she had no idea how hard it would be and is sad at how old she will be when her daughter is in her 20s.

Just to add 'too old for the school gates' shite…

Being a parent is about much more than the 7 or so years possibly hanging out at the school gates.

I couldn't really do the whole school-gates thing due to my working pattern, so my kids had a mixture of childcare, breakfast club, grandparental help etc etc. During their primary years I thought I was massively missing out - now I think it was a blessing in disguise.

It's not too old clearly, as she is pregnant! For me personally, it would be too old but that's because I already have two dc and they have worn me out. If I was childless I might feel differently....
As for her child being forced to look after her at a young age. I think for my generation our sixties will look very different to the current generation. For a start most of us will be working to 67 so hopefully will be relatively active.

I've said this on another thread and I'll say it again. What's this rude and ageist crap that all women in their forties and fifties are "knackered"? I'm 57, I have an eleven year old DS with special needs, I work well over full-time hours (and in recent months home-schooled as well, and looks like will have to again of course...). I am not "knackered". That is just insulting.

I just get tired at times like every other busy person. I also did so when I was in my twenties and thirties too (and more so as I was a junior doctor then, now that was in fact pretty "knackering"!)

As a mother I feel very strongly that I want to be available to my children. I find the thought of them losing me before they are old and established in the world upsetting.

As a result there a number of risks I no longer take. So I find that difficult to square with a decision to have a child at an age where there is a high probability of you not being around by the time they hit their 20s

I worked in fostering and adoption for many years and worked with many families where young children were being cared for by older carers in their 50s or grandparents, and they almost always did great. Whilst there are more physical health risks for older mothers, there are also many many positives including maturity and stability. Good luck to your friend OP.

If she can conceive at that age then lucky for her. I just hope she is able to carry a healthy baby to term as at 46 the odds get quite a bit poorer for miscarriage, stillbirth, and trisomies in particular.

I would say that I know a few people who have had first babies at this sort of age and without exception they have had far less energy and it has affected how they parent.

They've also all struggled with adapting to life with a young child when a) they've lived 25 years of adulthood never having to consider a small persons needs and b) friends have got teenagers & social lives aren't accomodating to babies and toddlers in the way they are when you are in your thirties and most of your friends are starting families.