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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Divorcing a “good” man

238 replies

Onebigdream · 02/01/2021 13:58

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

OP posts:
Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 03:53

@RoosterTheRoost

Did you ever talk to him about how you feel? Or did you just quietly resent him for not being a mind-reader and knowing what you wanted him to do?
I spoke to him often, at least 4 occasions in as many months and many times before that. But I was not a priority in his life, although he’ll swear I was.
OP posts:
Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 03:57

@billy1966

Well now OP, if you allow your son to sit on his arse while you struggle with bags, that's down to you.

Irrespective of how lazy your husband is, YOU are accepting your son eing lazy.

Why are you allowing that?

Your son has two parents.

Do not accept this from your son.

You are wrong to allow your son watch his mother AND sister run the house.

That is down to you.

Sorry to be harsh.

If either of my sons would be slow to help me, they would hear about it very firmly.

Flowers

I hear you and I agree.

I don’t let my son just sit there and watch me, although he’ll happily do so.

I don’t expect my daughter to pick up anyone’s slack, I think she’s watched me do it and think it’s what needs to be done. I explain to her, it’s not hers to do.

I know people do what we allow them to. I know I’m not an innocent party here and a victim of this... that’s why I’m choosing a different way... because in essence I’ve realized no amount of talking/good intentions/dreams and longing can make someone change if they don’t want to. But I can change...

OP posts:
Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 03:58

@RandomMess

There is nothing so lonely as being lonely in a relationship.

Everything thinks you are not alone when really you are Sad

He sounds awful blocking you from the bank accounts immediately, how bloody date he! If any are joint accounts he can't do that, go into the branch and cash cheques.

Yep, explaining this to anyone doesn’t do this feeling justice either.
OP posts:
Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 04:02

[quote DuchessofDerbyshire]@Onebigdream Reading your updates it is clear this is a bad marriage and he is not a good man.

But why didn't you reveal all of this in your first post ? You have had therapy for 7 years.

And what was the point of your first post?

Were you asking for permission?

Or support?

Neither is wrong, but I'm confused about what you want from your thread.

Good luck with the divorce and the rest of your life.[/quote]
I think there’s a belief that I’m trying to change in my head... and I needed a handhold.

The belief is that my husband is a good man. Because he says he is. Because he didn’t do the things other men in my life did before him. That I classify good as someone who hasn’t abused me in ways I recognized. I realize now though that I have lived with abuse.

Things go well when I’m quiet, busy doing everything, calm and don’t ask for help...

OP posts:
NoDontDoIt · 03/01/2021 04:06

Yes, you do all the things you do now if you're a single oarent, but it makes a massive difference not having the dead weight of a checked out/shite partner to drag along with you! I am far happier now than when i was doing that, and I've since met a man who actually pulls his weight and is more enthusiastic about parenting a child who isnt even his than her own dad was and it's a breath if fresh air to say the least; they ARE out there!

billy1966 · 03/01/2021 05:07

OP,

Absolutely nowhere have you written anywhere about a good man.

He is just awful and no intends to try and financially abuse you.

Pillar of the church too.

If your son gives you any grief, perhaps he would prefer to stay with your husband, but you need to get yourself and your daughter away as a priority.

If your son wishes to model his father there is only so much you can do.

I missed the post about background and terrible loss, I'm so sorry that you have had so much grief in your life.

Flowers
cbt944 · 03/01/2021 05:36

My DH has blocked me out of all the bank accounts as of today.

That is not a good man.

Ssandy52 · 03/01/2021 05:48

Is he a good man? You say so in the heading but then you infer that he’s been violent?

Mochatatts · 03/01/2021 05:51

Honestly I could have written your post. He sounds exactly like my ex husband. Life is too short to be miserable and have a partner as either an extra child or dead weight. You have to think about your happiness and what you're teaching your children. Best of luck xx

DuchessofDerbyshire · 03/01/2021 07:58

I think there’s a belief that I’m trying to change in my head... and I needed a handhold.

*The belief is that my husband is a good man. Because he says he is. Because he didn’t do the things other men in my life did before him. That I classify good as someone who hasn’t abused me in ways I recognized. I realize now though that I have lived with abuse.Things go well when I’m quiet, busy doing everything, calm and don’t ask for help^

Maybe you need to carry on with your therapy?
It's a shame your first post didn't give all the facts because maybe you would have had different responses here.

You say you had therapy for 7 years. Is that ongoing? Are you paying for it privately or is it part of support from your GP? Basically, can you afford to keep it going?

Because what comes over is that even now, you still can't understand and accept bad behaviour. Your judgement is still skewed. You still need reassurance that your husband (I refuse to call him 'darling' or 'dear') is abusive. Not that he hits you but he abuses you emotionally by withdrawing from family life. And he has almost hit you. Then he threatens suicide, then he blocks your access to money.

It's such a shame you drip fed this. It suggests you still think these things are not important- so you minimise them in your head.

You have also allowed your son to copy his behaviour and get away with it.

I don't know what your therapy is doing or what kind it is. From where I am, I see you as needing someone to work with you on your self-esteem, your ability to communicate your needs, and to be assertive in a relationship (which is the same thing really- communicating your needs.)

Maybe you can find someone to help you with your own behavioural changes?

DuchessofDerbyshire · 03/01/2021 08:00

I think there’s a belief that I’m trying to change in my head... and I needed a handhold.The belief is that my husband is a good man. Because he says he is. Because he didn’t do the things other men in my life did before him. That I classify good as someone who hasn’t abused me in ways I recognized. I realize now though that I have lived with abuse.Things go well when I’m quiet, busy doing everything, calm and don’t ask for help

Sorry for the double post. I wanted to show your quote. Maybe you need to carry on with your therapy?

It's a shame your first post didn't give all the facts because maybe you would have had different responses here.

You say you had therapy for 7 years. Is that ongoing? Are you paying for it privately or is it part of support from your GP? Basically, can you afford to keep it going?

Because what comes over is that even now, you still can't understand and accept bad behaviour. Your judgement is still skewed. You still need reassurance that your husband (I refuse to call him 'darling' or 'dear') is abusive. Not that he hits you but he abuses you emotionally by withdrawing from family life. And he has almost hit you. Then he threatens suicide, then he blocks your access to money.

It's such a shame you drip fed this. It suggests you still think these things are not important- so you minimise them in your head.

You have also allowed your son to copy his behaviour and get away with it.

I don't know what your therapy is doing or what kind it is. From where I am, I see you as needing someone to work with you on your self-esteem, your ability to communicate your needs, and to be assertive in a relationship (which is the same thing really- communicating your needs.)

Maybe you can find someone to help you with your own behavioural changes?

You know this man is not a good man, so stop doubting your decision to leave him. Good luck.

Seasaltyhair · 03/01/2021 08:10

@Gindrinker43

And the impact on your children just because you think your life is dull?
This is a really ignorant statement.

My best friends mother is a ‘moaner’. Ever since I’ve known her she has always moaned and looked up happy about something. My friend said she never wanted to be like her when she grew up.

After knowing the family for thirty years I know know it’s because she’s was/is actually really unhappy with her husband who is moody, snappy and self righteous. She stuck it out ‘for the sake of the kids’.

Guess what? My same best friend has been stuck in a dead marriage for nearly 15 years with a man she doesn’t find attractive, doesn’t properly contribute financially to the home because she’s worried about the effect it will have on the kids.

Is this the legacy we want to pass on to our kids? Confused

Guineapigbridge · 03/01/2021 08:24

I bet the hobby is gaming.

a slobby hobby

REignbow · 03/01/2021 08:39

@Onebigdream e isn’t a good man. He really is not.

He is manipulative. He coerces you to stay in an unhappy marriage and uses the church and friends/family to help him beat you in to submission.

He’s now financially abusing you.

Please call WA. You need their support to leave him.

He’s also abusing your DC.

randomer · 03/01/2021 08:41

Joining the dots the husband is addicted to gaming which he does alone long into the night.

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 09:33

@Onebigdream your DH is a bully and an abusive twat. He is not a good man or a good father.
And I would gather that your counsellor isn’t very good either if they haven’t managed to support you in realising that he is that rather than a good man.

A good man doesn’t use financial abuse (by locking you out of accounts) to force you to stay and behave.
A good man doesn’t bully his wife in staying, no doubt by spreading false rumours about you and painting himself as the victim. He used all the tricks he knew would work to force you to stay, said all the things he knew would work within your community. That’s not the work of a good man. That was a clear determination to squash you and put you back in your place.

A good man doesn’t make you feel you are not allowed to rock the boat and you ought to be quiet and just accept whatever he says.

You really need to remember that you are allowed to leave for no other reasons than because you want to. You don’t owe any explanation to anyone, not even him. Because ‘I don’t want to’ should be enough for him to back down.
The only person entitled to a ‘reason’ is yourself.

I think you are slowly starting to see the light. Carry on. Ask for support on here or with a counsellor. Read about abuse. It will become clearer and clearer

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 09:37

Btw, I would go and see a sollicitor ASAP, regardless of what you want to do re divorce.
The fact he is blocking you from bank accounts isn’t good. It sounds like he knows things are coming to an end and he is on the attack.

You need to protect yourself, including financially. That includes taking steps to protect yourself. A good sollicitor will help with that.

Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 10:48

Thanks for the responses.

His hobby is not gaming. It’s photography and when he’s not out trying to find the bird, he’s editing... for his Instagram following.

I’ve seen different psychologists though the years and the one I currently see, I have for over a year now and I feel like I’ve made progress.

I have given him the benefit of the doubt at every turn... I just can’t do it anymore.

OP posts:
FitterHappierMoreProductive · 03/01/2021 11:09

I can’t believe anyone thinks you’re being unreasonable @Onebigdream when you so clearly are not. One can only assume their own relationships are dysfunctional and so they can’t see it in yours.

You really need to find a way to leave this awful man Flowers

20mum · 03/01/2021 13:01

This will be unpopular, but it seems we often need someone to talk to us as what used to be a 'Dutch uncle'. At the start of a relationship, if a woman was house-sharing with her friend, each one would have a set of personal habits and assumptions. They would just have to choose a) discuss it and make a compromise b) shut up and put up.

Gay men have the stereotypical reputation of being house proud, in the main. Heterosexual men, either from upbringing or from true inclination, tend to see their world outside the domestic sphere, which is by tradition a woman's affair. At the outset, he will possibly just yield to his woman partner. That is a self perpetuating circle.

There was some research about men and babies, and unsurprisingly men would yield. Probably domestic stuff is the same. He tries to do it, but she, however gently and unintentionally, undermines him by letting him realise he does it in a different way than she would have done herself.

Same sex relationships are the only ones free to be fully equal, simply because it is impossible to avoid discussing things. They cannot depend on just going along unconsciously with assumptions from their parents/grand/great-grandparents. Should the 'man' be the main earner, overtime worker, the one not free to change jobs at risk of risking the mortgage? (And deal with the mowing, the car, the d.i.y, the literal heavy lifting, climbing up to clear the gutter, etc. all resentfully) Should the 'woman' decide the day the sheets are changed? (And write cards for 'his' relatives, do the lion's share of child and house care and staying indoors, resentfully)

Obviously an average woman doesn't meet the eyes of a stranger at the start and think "I want to live off his earnings". Nor does he see her and think "I want her to be my house-servant". Having a child is the end of the free relationship, for an awful lot of couples. From that moment, both are tied. Tied together, tied to the child till they die, tied to whatever financial and housing path they are set upon, especially if she takes a load of leave. Statistics show women's income and career chances and (therefore) pensions never recover.

Others urge you to be a single parent and do 100% on your own, in anger at doing 70%. Some suggest you can get another man. First, read the testimonies on the Truth Commission website. A man who wants to take on another man's children may turn out to be a better father to them, or may have other ideas. It isn't rare. It must never, never, not be thinkable. Some foxes might only want to befriend chickens.

The effort you could choose to put into building a more satisfying relationship with the father of your children, will as others note be a lot less than you will have to put into living alone on reduced income with reduced freedom and/or setting off into a new relationship.

Also, if the children are not subjected to, nor witnessing, anything they can comprehend as a clear explanation for their parents to break up, they will be bewildered, distressed at their world being suddenly shaken upside down, may possibly be disturbed, and even as adults may never forgive you.

(That last will, but is not intended to, draw defensive attacks from those who divorced for inescapable reason, those whose view of their world depends on reassuring themselves they did the right thing with no possible drawbacks, and those who are for good reason just fed up with men, or of sharing a home with any other adult.)

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 13:13

@20mum, I think the OP has well and truly passed the stage of making an effort and learning to appreciate the 30% he is doing.

FWIW, whT you dint take into account is the toll of living with someone who is bully or makes you miserable. That has a cost too and is usually the main reason why people leave and are happier, even if they end up doing 100% of the work instead of 30% (and that is likely to be a real overstatement of what said father was doing in the first place tbh)

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 03/01/2021 13:28

@20mum

This will be unpopular, but it seems we often need someone to talk to us as what used to be a 'Dutch uncle'. At the start of a relationship, if a woman was house-sharing with her friend, each one would have a set of personal habits and assumptions. They would just have to choose a) discuss it and make a compromise b) shut up and put up.

Gay men have the stereotypical reputation of being house proud, in the main. Heterosexual men, either from upbringing or from true inclination, tend to see their world outside the domestic sphere, which is by tradition a woman's affair. At the outset, he will possibly just yield to his woman partner. That is a self perpetuating circle.

There was some research about men and babies, and unsurprisingly men would yield. Probably domestic stuff is the same. He tries to do it, but she, however gently and unintentionally, undermines him by letting him realise he does it in a different way than she would have done herself.

Same sex relationships are the only ones free to be fully equal, simply because it is impossible to avoid discussing things. They cannot depend on just going along unconsciously with assumptions from their parents/grand/great-grandparents. Should the 'man' be the main earner, overtime worker, the one not free to change jobs at risk of risking the mortgage? (And deal with the mowing, the car, the d.i.y, the literal heavy lifting, climbing up to clear the gutter, etc. all resentfully) Should the 'woman' decide the day the sheets are changed? (And write cards for 'his' relatives, do the lion's share of child and house care and staying indoors, resentfully)

Obviously an average woman doesn't meet the eyes of a stranger at the start and think "I want to live off his earnings". Nor does he see her and think "I want her to be my house-servant". Having a child is the end of the free relationship, for an awful lot of couples. From that moment, both are tied. Tied together, tied to the child till they die, tied to whatever financial and housing path they are set upon, especially if she takes a load of leave. Statistics show women's income and career chances and (therefore) pensions never recover.

Others urge you to be a single parent and do 100% on your own, in anger at doing 70%. Some suggest you can get another man. First, read the testimonies on the Truth Commission website. A man who wants to take on another man's children may turn out to be a better father to them, or may have other ideas. It isn't rare. It must never, never, not be thinkable. Some foxes might only want to befriend chickens.

The effort you could choose to put into building a more satisfying relationship with the father of your children, will as others note be a lot less than you will have to put into living alone on reduced income with reduced freedom and/or setting off into a new relationship.

Also, if the children are not subjected to, nor witnessing, anything they can comprehend as a clear explanation for their parents to break up, they will be bewildered, distressed at their world being suddenly shaken upside down, may possibly be disturbed, and even as adults may never forgive you.

(That last will, but is not intended to, draw defensive attacks from those who divorced for inescapable reason, those whose view of their world depends on reassuring themselves they did the right thing with no possible drawbacks, and those who are for good reason just fed up with men, or of sharing a home with any other adult.)

That's a very long winded and roundabout way of saying, "I think you should put up with a man who tries to hit you, financially abuses you and has no interest in engaging with you and the family."

We've had a few of these posts recently, telling women to put up with shit and horrible men. They're often pompous, long winded and largely irrelevant to the discussion. They frequently have an explicitly feminine username.

Fudgeytastic · 03/01/2021 13:58

OP, I could have written your original post. My situation is very similar, my husband has no DIY skills and can not / will not cook (says he has no confidence to try either), has no interest in organising birthdays or Christmas, will drink himself to sleep and our DC have no respect for him as a parent. But for years I've stuck by him because he is funny, sociable and has treated me well. And he loves me. But it's got to the point where I am seriously unhappy. I have told him and he wants to make things work but... I just don't love him. I just need to find the confidence to end the marriage but he has suffered with mental illness this year and I just don't know how he'll cope.
I hope you get out of this happily on the other side Thanks

KumquatSalad · 03/01/2021 15:35

We've had a few of these posts recently, telling women to put up with shit and horrible men. They're often pompous, long winded and largely irrelevant to the discussion. They frequently have an explicitly feminine username.

Yes. It’s an interesting phenomenon. And definitely becoming more prevalent.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 15:56

Yet another pile on from women with shit relationships / low standards berating another woman for not putting up with her own shit relationship.

Not being happy is reason enough.

A man displaying the basic traits of a decent human being is NOT reason enough to stay. The standards for good should never be the bad things he doesn't do. It's not a race to the bottom.

Especially not, when he is abusive and aggressive anyways , despite his claims to the contrary.

What he means by "good" is actually not as bad as other men.

Of course it's out of the blue , because he'll never consider himself "that bad". Because the bar for "that bad" is so low, it discovered oil!

Swipe left for the next trending thread