Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

I used to have a stairgate across the bedroom door while I had a shower in our ensuite with the bathroom door open, so dc were never out of sight, not at 18 months, sorry.
Everything else you described sounds absolutely fine.

Everything sounds fine apart from leaving him alone while you shower.
Sorry

Agree with other posters: nope to showering and leaving him alone, don't see why you can't dry your hair in the living room with him but the rest is fine! Its easy to judge when you're not the one at home doing the slog! But, in a non judgemental kind way, please don't leave him alone while you shower. You could hear him doing something noisy but not choking, banging his head, having a fit etc.

Don’t leave him in the room alone. Just take him with you and close the door so you are together,

It only takes a few minutes for a child to choke on a small object

Don't leave your child unattended. Bring him into the bathroom with you and bring some toys, same with hair drying, you literally can't leave them unattended.

Wouldn't leave him while I was in the shower but I'd involve the baby in the housework.

@RiverSkater you have small objects lying around an 18months old? You do realise being in the room won’t be enough to protect him ?

18 months is definitely to young to leave alone for even 5 minutes. If he's a climber, he could get up on a chair, and progress to dining table easily in that time.

I'd take him in the bathroom with me, if I were you (that's what I used to do, and still do sometimes with DD3 who has SEN).

Hmm. Prob fine for showering and leaving child to play, but would dry hair downstairs. I don’t think there are that many breaks really if you’re at home with kids! Nap time is break time!

Would feel a bit guilty doing the workout every day while child was up - could you mix it up and do exercise and shower early while child and partner breakfasted?

@BigBobs

I work one day a week and DS goes to childcare for that one day. I just still don't find that much of a break as I don't have enough time in work to really get on top of anything and find the one day I'm there really stressful and busy. The one day a week childcare is costing me 80% of that days wages so I'm barely breaking even and would up my hours again if it was financially viable. Someone hit the nail on the head with the Stepford wife comment, it does feel like he has high expectations of what I should do. Before we had our son, I was a neat freak and the house was always spotless, he used to laugh and say it felt like a show home. I went to the gym, and always had my hair and nails done. I worked full time and had my own money for this stuff. One toddler and four lockdowns later I'm not quite in the same position I was then and he can't seem to understand why I'm not.

I also just wanted to say things do get easier. I was a single mum with an 18 month old and completely know how you feel about not having any freedom, no adult time & no time to exercise. It is so frustrating but it honestly does fly by, and soon they’re at school - and then you end up missing them. I think it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the intensity of life with small children, and it’s important to remember they will become more independent & you will have more time for yourself pretty soon.

Everything sounds fine apart from leaving him alone while you shower, I live in a flat and the bathroom is very close to the living room but I still have to leave the door open while I use the loo, and usually 19 month old follows me anyway, I'm not judging but I wouldn't do it, I am a worrier though.

Jesus Christ no don't leave your baby while you dry your hair etc. I put baby onto our bed where he can see me in the bathroom and I keep the shower door cracked open so I can see him and he can hear me chatting at him.

You're berating the op for what she is doing, yet you openly admit to leaving your baby in your bed when not with them?!

@Pinkflipflop85 was that to me? The bed is in clear line of sight from the en suite shower. I can see him at all times and could reach him in under 2 seconds. I prop him up so he can watch me and has no way of rolling away / onto his front.

Lots of eighteen month olds have older and younger siblings. They are perfectly fine while other children’s needs are being attended to and assuming your house isn’t full of razor blades and angry dogs should be fine if you go to the toilet, feed or change another baby, wash, take the bins out, or do any number of things. Many toddlers spend hours on school runs, outside ballet/swimming lessons, driving to shops etc etc. Your dh is being ridiculous and not very nice. Good fathers support their children’s mothers not pull them down.

Everything else sounds great except leaving your child downstairs. I shower when my kids are upstairs with me and then dry my hair whilst they are in the same room. Anything can go wrong in seconds so I think your DH is right to be angry

The only bit I see an issue with is leaving him downstairs to shower. It could only take 30 seconds or less for an accident to happen.
At that age I left my DS in his cot with toys for 5 mins whilst I showered.

Most 18 month olds would climb out of a cot surel?

I wouldn't leave my 2 year old alone downstairs when I'm having a shower... I bring him upstairs with me, unless my 12 year old is around to watch him for 10 mins, but no I wouldn't do that. The rest of what you said though sounds reasonable to me, but he shouldn't you watch a bit of tv while the toddler naps.

Leaving him is dangerous. My mum was on the phone in the next room when I was a child. I went quiet she realised and came into the room as it was too silent. I was choking on an apple I grabbed from fruit bowl. My son at 9 months was in his jumperoo as I went in the kitchen to fetch the iron. Middle of the room so he couldn't move. I thought it would be fine somehow he got hold of some shrink wrap no idea where from and in the 30 seconds I walked to the kitchen and back had but it in his mouth. He was blue. 999 and the heimlick manoeuvre saved his life. Had I gone for a shower he would of been dead. That's without him being a mobile toddler who could climb up god knows what, put fingers in sockets or a number of other things. I would suggest you invest in a playpen and double check it for potential hazards if you need to be in another room for any length of time on a regular basis. Else let him play in his cot for ten minutes.

@5zeds

Most 18 month olds would climb out of a cot surel?

Don't most 18 month old sleep in a cot? Dear god don't tell me I have to Tennessee my twins from for captivity in less than 6 months, none of us will ever sleep again

My 23 month old can’t climb out his cot (thankfully!)

Sorry to pile on but I’m with DH on the shower thing. Anything could happen. I wouldn’t do it again. Why not shower while DH and DC are having breakfast?

@SleepingStandingUp

Anywhere from 12m-3 years from my friends. Mine moved at 15m and 18m, though for other reasons.

It's pretty common for them to be in either a cot or a bed at 18m, it's that in between time. And a lot love because they can climb out, yes.

I used to shower when I was home alone with my DS 🤷. We lived in a town house though where the bathroom and living room were on the same floor and the living in room was completely childproofed. My husband worked 12.5 hour days where he could because covid stopped me from working for 6 months past my mat leave so I was 18 months in we needed the money but I also needed the break.

I knew my son and wasn't a wanderer or rummager and the living room was as safe as can be. I have and would leave an 18 month old in those situations again.