Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

Perhaps you could get a small TV upstairs for while you shower - if that works for a safe space where you can still keep an eye on your son. You've already said that you'll change that part of your routine anyway, but just a thought. The rest of your daily routine sounds lovely to me.

I think this incident has been so upsetting because there's more going on here. It sounds (from your updates) like your DH has extremely high and unreasonable expectations of what can (or should) be achievable with a tiny bundle of energy in the house. He sounds like the sort of man who used to drive their wives to gin and valium in the 1950s to be honest. Men like this often seem to want their partner to be a stay-at-home-mum, but then don't seem to have much or any respect for them when they take on that role. I'd be looking into getting back into full-time work as soon as I could.

I always left my two alone while I showered at that age. Didn't even think about it. Bathroom was on the same floor as the sitting room though. They were safe
I'd tell your DH to look after your son for a week on his own and see how he gets on.

I used to take mine in the shower with me at that age. He loved playing in the water. I'd then get dry and dressed in bathroom when he continued playing then brought him into my bedroom with me while I dried my hair and did my makeup.
Meant I could use his tv time to have a cup of tea. Win win.

The shower thing. No. Not the hair thing. My kids came with me and we’d sing songs whilst I had a shower. Or they’d come with me.

My friend left her twins to have a quick shower. One got a piece of string and almost strangled himself. The doctor phoned social services. She said but it was only 5 mins. He said no way. You should shower when they’re in bed. It stuck with me that story.

I think this is why it’s a shame play pens went out of fashion. The toddler would be happy watching tv but actually safe.

Yadnbu now you've decided to shower with your son in the room.
The bit that gets me is that he expects a spotless house, hot meal and a perfect looking wife. Fuck that for a game.
I had 3under 3yrs old and found it relatively easy, I know that not all kids are easy. But ours was a home not a show house. My dh once asked if we could have the living room clear of toys by the time he finished work.
He got very short shrift when I explained the only way that would happen is if he moved out to his own child and toy free house. Funnily enough he didn't moan again. Op your dh sounds a bit of a cheeky twat.

Yabu I used to sit them by the bathroom door with toys or ipad so I could see them if I had to take a shower but wouldn't be every day

@notalwaysalondoner

I think this is why it’s a shame play pens went out of fashion. The toddler would be happy watching tv but actually safe.

I had a square playpen for my first baby he is now six. I agree it was really handy to plonk him in for a few minutes. I had one upstairs too and a cam fixed on it so I could go and have wash or put stuff away in the other rooms upstairs make beds etc. It was very useful.

Forget the shower business, why aren’t you pooling your money?

I can never understand women shacking up with a man, having a child and then meekly letting him decide what he’s prepared to pay for.

It’s a mugs game and usually ends in divorce when the woman finally opens her eyes are realises she’s being used to provide an Insta perfect family.

If he decides to go off with a much younger colleague, where will that leave you? Having a perfectly clean house and looking fit won’t stop him straying if he’s used to always getting what he wants.

Make sure you’re getting something out of this relationship besides your beautiful child.

I wouldn’t leave a toddler alone in a different room with a shower/ hairdryer running, they’re absolute maniacs, especially once they start climbing furniture....and it only gets worse until they’re school age, you can’t imagine the silly situations my daughter used to get herself into - whilst I was in the room.
Also choking etc can be totally silent so they really do need a lot of supervision.
I think it’s totally fine to do chores & exercise though - when else are you meant to do it?! And I think it actually sets a good example for their later lives - to see chores & exercise being done.

I would also like to point out that it's a much more harmful thing to have a child brought up by a stressed and controlled mother and a controlling and manipulative bastard of a father. Much worse than a little extra tv.

Generally not much of a problem, but yeah, at 18 months, leaving them sat alone on the sofa whilst you shower wouldn’t be something I would do. They can get themselves in to so much mischief at that age.

I’ve left the dcs watching tv at that age too.
I actually don’t think I’ve ever taken them with me when I had a shower.

It’s impossible to always be watching a child like this.

FWIW @BigBobs, has your DH ever looked after his dc on his own on a regular basis? Does he do 50% of the whole of the housework?
If he hasn’t, I don’t think he has any rights to judge what you are doing. Because having an opinion based on the ‘perfect day’ and what you are supposed to do is one thing. Actually doing it, living it is another. Just like knowing your own child will dictate what is or isn’t safe for that child.
Mines were just glued (and much safer) as soon as the tv was turned on!

Well done for taking the comments on board OP.

I’d suggest the shower whilst they’re having breakfast or during your toddlers nap? That way you still get a few moments peace. I used to do that or iPad in bathroom - like you I think 15 mins tv is fine!

I realise you have accepted that leaving him downstairs while you shower isn’t the best idea, @BigBobs so this might make you smile. I once let 18-month-old ds1 for less than 5 minutes, while I had a wee, and came downstairs to find he had tried to crawl out into the garden, via the cat flap, and had got stuck halfway out, unable to get back or go further.

There was a pair of waving legs in the kitchen, and some very cross crying from outside. I couldn’t pull him back in, so I had to open the back door really carefully, and deliver him into the garden.

That isn’t my worst parenting failure - that was when the same child had hit the Terrible Twos. He’d had a massive tantrum, lasting 90 minutes the previous evening, and it wasn’t yet 9am, and he had been screaming for 45 minutes - and I was at the end of my tether. I rang dh, in tears, to tell him I couldn’t cope, and then it went quiet - very suspiciously - so I rang off and went to investigate, to find ds1, at the kitchen bin, where I’d thrown away some Doritos the night before - and ds1 was eating them out of the bin. But that’s not the worst bit - I knew that, if I stopped him eating them, ds1 would start tantrumming again, and I couldn’t face it, so I let him carry on eating! I waited until he stopped eating, and wandered off, and then I emptied the bin, and found somewhere safer for it.

He was fine - not even a tummy upset.

That made me laugh ^^

I definitely wouldn't leave a toddler in another room while I showered. Sit him in the bathroom floor with some toys.

You need to have a shower before ds is awake or after he is asleep or when your DH is there. It's really not safe to leave them at that age.

YABU - I wouldn't leave a young toddler alone in a room where you can't see him. Take him with you or wait til he naps, surely.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I realise you have accepted that leaving him downstairs while you shower isn’t the best idea, *@BigBobs* so this might make you smile. I once let 18-month-old ds1 for less than 5 minutes, while I had a wee, and came downstairs to find he had tried to crawl out into the garden, via the cat flap, and had got stuck halfway out, unable to get back or go further.

There was a pair of waving legs in the kitchen, and some very cross crying from outside. I couldn’t pull him back in, so I had to open the back door really carefully, and deliver him into the garden.

That isn’t my worst parenting failure - that was when the same child had hit the Terrible Twos. He’d had a massive tantrum, lasting 90 minutes the previous evening, and it wasn’t yet 9am, and he had been screaming for 45 minutes - and I was at the end of my tether. I rang dh, in tears, to tell him I couldn’t cope, and then it went quiet - very suspiciously - so I rang off and went to investigate, to find ds1, at the kitchen bin, where I’d thrown away some Doritos the night before - and ds1 was eating them out of the bin. But that’s not the worst bit - I knew that, if I stopped him eating them, ds1 would start tantrumming again, and I couldn’t face it, so I let him carry on eating! I waited until he stopped eating, and wandered off, and then I emptied the bin, and found somewhere safer for it.

He was fine - not even a tummy upset.

Everything sounds fine apart from leaving him downstairs while you shower and dry your hair. At that age they can easily choke, vomit, fall off the sofa and bang their head, get up to mischief.

I used to put mine in a travel cot and shower in the en-suite so I could see her. Or shower early in the morning or late at night.

These do gooders trying to make you feel bad for being a parent, are the same type that curtain twitch. Hope they rot. X

I wouldn't leave an 18m old whilst in the shower, but I did leave them to go to the loo or get dressed, and that was easily 5m+ at a time. Like you, my child doesn't move from the TV whilst it's on. But I'm always in hearing distance, which you wouldn't be in the shower.

I agree with your husband about quality time tbh. It sounds all about you - fitting in your excercise, your hairdrying, freeing up time for your TV watching etc. And doing some chores in the day is good, but it seems like apart from one block in the morning, there isn't much actual playtime.

Once in a while is fine, sure, but not every day. Even if you did 10 mins of chores alternated by 10m of play, it would spread out your attention during the day.

Only just really leaving 3yo downstairs briefly while one of us showers now- DH still tends to have him at least upstairs with him if I'm out doing sport.

But I would never do any housework if I didn't do it with DS about- he's not napped in 18 months really and he 'helps' and will have more chores as he gets older- we're just about on board with setting table for dinner every day and some tidying of toys.

Just wanted to say there are some really fun and lovely aspects of your day here, I enjoyed reading it and your routine sounds fun for you both! :)