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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 02/01/2021 20:18

Hmmm. I'd prob have them upstairs with gate closed in their bedroom with gate closed watching tv or ipad or playing with toys

Tumblebugsjump · 02/01/2021 20:32

I think it's all fine and your husband has no idea as he dosen't look after your child everyday! I would say depends on your child too, my first child absolutely fine to be left watching tv whilst I shower at this age, my 2nd no way, she would have dismantled the TV in this time 😆. Keep doing what works well for you .

Piglet89 · 02/01/2021 20:37

@yulelogc the World Health Organisation says you shouldn’t contain them; it’s cruel and dehumanising. Better to let them roam free.

Muddledupme · 02/01/2021 20:38

Could you take him in the bathroom while you shower and let him watch kids tv on a tablet?

WaltzesWithSnobs · 02/01/2021 21:11

I think everything sounds fine OP except for the cheque. You should absolutely cancel that cheque. Other than that though, your routine sounds great.

RoomAtTheEndOfTheWorld · 02/01/2021 21:27

Sorry your DH has made you feel bad about this.
I think everything you've said is fine, the amount of TV at that age wouldn't bother me either, but the shower thing I couldn't do.
When DS was that age, our shower room
was downstairs in a 2 storey house and if I needed to shower in the day I'd stick him in his high chair with some toys in the doorway of the shower room. That could be an option for you but I appreciate dragging a high chair up and down stairs isn't ideal!
We live in a bungalow now and if we were living here when DS was that age I still wouldn't have left DS him in a separate room where I can't hear or see him, even with stairgates. Could you put him in his cot with some toys while you shower?

Gogoshakes20 · 02/01/2021 21:29

Yabvu leaving downstairs at that age. I put my 18 month old in the travel cot with toys, tv on and baby monitor on when I needed a quick shower and took monitor into bathroom.

If your dc climbs out cot you could at least take him upstairs and leave him in a safe area eg his bedroom with gate over the door and take monitor in.

Think it’s fine to do chores etc as long as your little one is in safe space where you can supervise and he can’t crawl away / climb / fall off / pull anything over.

I don’t see a problem with a bit of tv - sometimes u just need a break!

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2021 21:35

@RiverSkater

It only takes a few minutes for a child to choke on a small object

Don't leave your child unattended. Bring him into the bathroom with you and bring some toys, same with hair drying, you literally can't leave them unattended.

It only takes a few minutes to read the OP's posts...
marmiteprincess · 02/01/2021 21:35

Agree with most people here. I would definitely have a fun bath together instead - is that not more relaxing than a stressful 5 minute shower.

The TV stuff is fine.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2021 21:38

@WaltzesWithSnobs

I think everything sounds fine OP except for the cheque. You should absolutely cancel that cheque. Other than that though, your routine sounds great.
There really should be a neon coloured, flashing, animated, banging-your-head-against-a-brick-wall emoji for this site.
Kudostoyou · 02/01/2021 21:45

Definitely wouldn’t leave a toddler for the shower/hair drying, they are too unpredictable and it only takes a second for something to happen. The other stuff seems fine to me.

emvy · 02/01/2021 21:45

I actually really think this is quite a personal situation... you know your child best and if you are happy that he’s not going to move for 5 minutes then I’d trust your judgement. I say this because my child wouldn’t have moved for that length of time either at that age if he was in front of a screen. I didn’t leave him in a room on his own while I showered I don’t think although it’s hard to remember exactly... DS is just over 2.5 now. For quite a while now he has had the roam of upstairs while I shower and he potters in and out the bathroom playing. Before this, I used to sit him on the floor of the bathroom watching the iPad until I felt confident he was old enough to play outside the room. So yeah.. sorry waffly post but I don’t think you’re being entirely unreasonable if you’re confident he’s not going to move but maybe he could just watch tv on your phone on the bathroom floor while you shower instead? It might just make your husband feel better anyway. Please don’t beat yourself up over this!! It sounds like you have a nice little routine to your day.

jessstan1 · 02/01/2021 22:03

At that age mine used to bathe with me.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2021 00:06

@marmiteprincess

Agree with most people here. I would definitely have a fun bath together instead - is that not more relaxing than a stressful 5 minute shower.

The TV stuff is fine.

Who wants a bath when they're sweaty from exercise, let alone putting a baby in there with you. Ew.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2021 00:07

[quote Piglet89]@yulelogc the World Health Organisation says you shouldn’t contain them; it’s cruel and dehumanising. Better to let them roam free.[/quote]
Hope the WHO are offering to babysit my twins when I need to answer the door, pop to the loo etc.

Wheresmykimchi · 03/01/2021 00:17

[quote Piglet89]@yulelogc the World Health Organisation says you shouldn’t contain them; it’s cruel and dehumanising. Better to let them roam free.[/quote]
The Who haven't a clue.

MessAllOver · 03/01/2021 01:03

the World Health Organisation says you shouldn’t contain them; it’s cruel and dehumanising. Better to let them roam free.

The WHO have obviously never experienced the delights of chucking the toddler into the playpen with a new toy and then sneaking next door to the kitchen for an illicit coffee on one's own. It may be cruel and dehumanising but it's so, so worth it.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 01:10

@MessAllOver

the World Health Organisation says you shouldn’t contain them; it’s cruel and dehumanising. Better to let them roam free.

The WHO have obviously never experienced the delights of chucking the toddler into the playpen with a new toy and then sneaking next door to the kitchen for an illicit coffee on one's own. It may be cruel and dehumanising but it's so, so worth it.

Let's face it WHO are not talking about a kid being left in it for a few minutes while mum does something else.

They are talking about kids that are being left there most of the day because it's convenient.

DD doesn't even remember having one, much lest being constricted and confined.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 01:17

Oh and funnily enough, they recommend playpens as one way to prevent drowning.Grin

Shetoshe · 03/01/2021 01:34

It's absolutely fine OP. You know your DS. My sister absolutely couldn't do this but her children are...ahem...free spiritsGrin but my DDs NEVER moved off the sofa when I put the tv on as they got such little screen time back then. They were generally calm children who were not the type to get into cupboards/climb on furniture. I did exactly as you did when they were your DS's age, popping in to check them before drying my hair etc. I closed the kitchen door, locked external doors, kept bathroom and livingroom doors open (we live in a bungalow so no stairs worries), timed it with their favourite show so I absolutely knew they wouldn't move. They never did.

I had a similar routine to you too. DC need time to play independently, it pays off massively. Mine play beautifully on their own now aged 3 and 4.Your husband is an idiot IMO! Being at home with small children can be excruciatingly dull, you do what you need to do to make it more tolerable and keep your mental health in check. If my husband had criticised my parenting at that stage I would have shut him right down - he never dared!

HankMarvinjg · 03/01/2021 06:25

Who loves kfc?! I do!

spidermomma · 03/01/2021 07:00

Everythin you do is fine but I do agree the shower could be done during nap time it's so dangerous. I won't leave my 4 or 3 yo or My 13mo in their rooms or anything if I shower. I do it once their all in bed at night. Plus my 18mo hasn't watched a single bit of tv he just won't sit for it ! X

metellaestinatrio · 03/01/2021 07:11

Agreeing with everyone else that I would not leave an 18 month old alone on a different floor while I was in the shower and drying my hair - you can’t hear properly. I did very occasionally leave DD at this age but she had her 4 year old brother with her, who was given strict instructions to come and get me if anything happened. The rest is fine. As for TV time - I was super strict with my first who watched zero TV. My second of course is intimately acquainted with CBeebies and loudly demands “Washbuckle” every evening. Serves me right!

Yeahnahmum · 03/01/2021 07:44

18 months??? I am a very easy going parent. But 18 months is WAY too young. I am with your husband.
You shower before toddler awakes or when he goes down for the night

And dont even pretend you are 'checking in on him every 5 minutes' whilst you shower.

diddl · 03/01/2021 08:22

So in effect you're not allowed to organise your working day in a way that suits you?

And when your toddler naps, thus giving you a break, you must find other work, not also have a break?

Don't most people who are at home with a youngster potter about doing chores with the youngster in tow?

Take time for themselves when lo naps?

If you are getting stuff done & it's not to the detriment of your son, isn't that OK?

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