Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

@WoolieLiberal

Sorry to pile on but I’m with DH on the shower thing. Anything could happen. I wouldn’t do it again. Why not shower while DH and DC are having breakfast?

Because she's showering after her work out which presumably she can't fit in before DH leaves for the day

Have not read whole thread just wanted to say with no 2 I now shower while they watch cbeebies for 20m I have door open (usually!) and she will often call for.me/come to find me. It isn't 100% safe but not much is and I need to wash to feel human and to be a fabulous 23.5/7 mummy. Don't feel bad. Just consider bringing tiny to the bathroom to watch cbeebies on your phone if they are a total danger mouse(mine is and watches TV on sofa anyway - don't feel bad!). Chat to DH about danger/living and how heyd like it don't (have some 'emergency dental treatment" for a day beforehand so they see how the day does and then the conversation is more reality based!)

@5zeds

Lots of eighteen month olds have older and younger siblings. They are perfectly fine while other children’s needs are being attended to and assuming your house isn’t full of razor blades and angry dogs should be fine if you go to the toilet, feed or change another baby, wash, take the bins out, or do any number of things. Many toddlers spend hours on school runs, outside ballet/swimming lessons, driving to shops etc etc. Your dh is being ridiculous and not very nice. Good fathers support their children’s mothers not pull them down.

This! Totally this! Ideally we'd not leave them alone but this is the real world of baby is happy and safe then explain and give DH a chance to experience it. Others don't know what your kid is like - you'd not leave them in danger! Credit to you for managing Joe wicks tbh

YABU re shower, in my opinion. Having seen what small children can do when your back is turned for a minute (and having worked in A&E, I dare say I have seen more than most- ranging from sticking things up their noses to doing something really very dangerous causing serious, life-threatening injuries/choking)- I would not risk it. I think 5 minutes where you are on a different floor and in shower and then blow-drying your hair- however well you think you can hear, you could miss something- is not something I would be happy with. He might be sitting quietly 99.9% of the time, but you can never predict when that one time might be.

In that situation, out CBeebies on the tablet and have him in with you for the 5 minutes it takes. Or shower before he is awake/whilst he is napping.

Mine went into a toddler bed just before his second birthday but never attempted to climb out of his cot.

I’m with your husband here and I am very much a lax parent

@SleepingStandingUp one of my twins could climb out of his cot long before 18months. It was safer to have low beds and a stair gate across the door. He was my most wriggly child though.

The more you reply, the more your DH sounds a bit of a twat

[quote 5zeds]@SleepingStandingUp one of my twins could climb out of his cot long before 18months. It was safer to have low beds and a stair gate across the door. He was my most wriggly child though.[/quote]
How can you spout such terror in a public place!!!!! That's mean.

@TramaDollface

I’m with your husband here and I am very much a lax parent

You think op doesn't spend enough time with her DS but should make sure his dinner is cooked and she keeps in shape for him whilst paying uninterrupted attention to DS?

I’d take your DH’s comment about you spending more quality time with your child and leave your DH to do more chores. He’ll soon change his tune! (Also agree with others about not leaving him while you shower, found my similar aged “non climber” balanced on the window sill when I’d popped out the room for 2 minutes).

Whilst I agree in principle that 18 months is too young to be left alone, if I could guarentee DD (just gone 2) would just sit and watch tv so I could shower in peace, I would want to do it too. Probably better to just take him in the bathroom with you, toddlers can do some pretty random stuff that they've never done before.

Mine watches far more than 15-20 mins tv a day!! I wait for him to nap before showering though. Also if you're only showering for 5-19 mins, bung him in his cot with some toys!

I'm with your DH on the shower safety thing, the rest is just opinion.

I cannot see details of your setup so it depends on context really too.

In our first place, the shower was literally off the kitchen with a wide view if you propped the door open, very safe with locks etc.... You'd see and hear everything as long as you kept wiping the screen water down every minute.

But in our current place, you'd be at the other end of the house, no view, no sound, with the front door between us, no way would I leave unattended.

Apart from toddler doing something daft, which in our case has been sudden and unpredictable (worst injury was falling over own toy box, really dangerous fall onto a corner, as I walked back into the room).. our postie opens the door sometimes to leave stuff inside the door. Which is great and we've said thanks for, but if that was while I was in the shower, what happens if the door is left ajar by a well meaning but busy postie? It's right onto a road.

So context really matters, but in 99% of cases I'm with your DH here on that , which I see you have acknowledged op :)

@5zeds

Most 18 month olds would climb out of a cot surel?

I have had 4 children, and none have climbed out of the cot till at least 2 years. Which I'm happy about because I like them being contained in there lol

I get up early whilst children are asleep so I can shower (usually any time between 5 and 6am). I have 4 DC and have never left them alone at that age unsupervised in case something awful happened. Your DH has a valid point.

How do you manage to leave your 18 month old? Mine even manages to follow me to the toilet 🙄
I wouldn't trust her for a second on her own she climbs on everything.
If I need a shower when DP is not home we either have a bath together or she sits on the shower with some toys.

Yabu to leave him alone while you shower.

I used to have a wash while DC napped, so I wouldn’t leave a child that age alone. Otherwise what you’re doing sounds fine.

@ZOhZee

I'm with your DH on the shower safety thing, the rest is just opinion.

I cannot see details of your setup so it depends on context really too.

In our first place, the shower was literally off the kitchen with a wide view if you propped the door open, very safe with locks etc.... You'd see and hear everything as long as you kept wiping the screen water down every minute.

But in our current place, you'd be at the other end of the house, no view, no sound, with the front door between us, no way would I leave unattended.

Apart from toddler doing something daft, which in our case has been sudden and unpredictable (worst injury was falling over own toy box, really dangerous fall onto a corner, as I walked back into the room).. our postie opens the door sometimes to leave stuff inside the door. Which is great and we've said thanks for, but if that was while I was in the shower, what happens if the door is left ajar by a well meaning but busy postie? It's right onto a road.

So context really matters, but in 99% of cases I'm with your DH here on that , which I see you have acknowledged op :)

99%? So you agree that a mother should have a perfect body and do lots of exercise, plus keep an immaculate home, while not letting her child out of her sight and spending that time doing improving things with said toddler? While also rustling up a high quality cooked meal every night? Gosh. I'm not sure where all these amazing mums come from, the only ones I've ever seen that have time for fitness, home cooking and Montessori level education of toddlers have housekeepers. And nannies.

Or did you miss the bit where the OP told us that was what was expected? By her lovely husband who doesn't help out and likes to humiliate her in front of her child?

OP, it is completely fine to do housework whilst your toddler is awake. I have a DS the same age and i do the very same. I also shower whilst he’s awake however i am currently living in a flat, so more often than not, he is in the bathroom with me whilst running to grab a toy and chuck it in the bath with me. I am in the process of a house move and moving into a house, I will then change my shower time to his nap time, so I’m not on a separate floor from him.

SueDeNimm I'm not saying anything about the rest, I simply think that in 99% of shower room setups I wouldn't think the risk Vs reward ratio means most 18 month olds' mums would leave them alone.

Apart from the first house I mentioned, I can't think of another living space setup that would render that acceptable to my (generally fairly laid back) parenting gut feel.. not any of the layouts of family's or friends houses either..

I said nothing, nevermind approved of, the Rest of the DH's opinions. So back off.

I simply think being upstairs for 2 X 5min showers isn't something that most mothers should be doing or would do... Not if you have a consistent napper! Mine has gone from a predictable routine then awful napper then back again so I realise not ever having a minute of downtime can be torture... But this isn't that. Stop pretending it is.

At 18mo both mine were cheeky and active. 2 minutes back turned could mean they moved chairs to ransack a high cupboard. Or found a pillow to slide down the stairs with (they worked out stair gates and could climb out of cots by 12 months). Danger of choking, general home hazards. I barely showered or even brushed my hair when they were little. They would follow me to loo as well.

Forgot to say I would shower when they nap or in bed.