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Original poster

To feel crap about gender scan? (Tomorrow)

250 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 01/01/2021 18:45

NC as outing.

Due to have a gender scan with DC2 tomorrow and I’ve been in tears several times today. I’m desperate to know but just feel so crap about finding out.

This will be our last baby, for medical and personal reasons a third is off the cards so it feels so final.

I just want a healthy baby but either way I think I’ll leave the apt tomorrow feeling like we missed out on something.

If it’s a second DS I’ll feel I’ve missed out on a DD (whoever they ended up being I don’t care if they weren’t girly let’s not get into that whole ‘sex not gender debate’) but equally if it is a DD then I’ll lose that lovely image of two boys. DS having a little brother to grow up with.

I think I’ve just spent so much of the last few months imagining both scenarios I’ll feel like I’ve lost something either way! It’s a terrible way to look at it I know!

OP posts:
timeforanother1 · 01/01/2021 21:50

@Christmasfairy2020 off topic but can you break down what you mean please?

BreatheAndFocus · 01/01/2021 21:50

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh best advice I give anyone whom wants a girl.

Use a ovulation kit. It tells you when to do it. The sperm is faster and gets there quicker to meet the egg.

For a boy you do it regularly and it's there ready for egg as they are slow swimmers.

I used 2 ovulation kits and have 2 dd. All friends and family and work colleagues whom I told about ovulation kits have dd.

Eh? It’s the opposite! The ‘boy’ sperm swim faster but live a shorter life, the ‘girl’ sperm are slower but live longer.

Not that that guarantees the sex, but that’s the principle you can work with (ie for a girl have sex a few days before ovulation, then not again, so the ‘boy’ sperm will die and a ‘girl’ sperm is more likely to fertilise the egg).

OP - I wouldn’t bother with a gender/sex scan. Why stress yourself? Presumably you had a scan for your first baby, so why not see this as an opportunity to not find out for your second baby?

GenerallyCoping · 01/01/2021 21:53

I despair. Some people really do live in a self-absorbed bubble.

This is life. There are pros and cons to everything....every event, every decision made.

Don’t have children if you can’t deal with this.

Buddytheelf85 · 01/01/2021 21:56

Would it help to change your thinking slightly - instead of thinking you’ve lost out on something either way, why not think about it as winning either way?

If it’s a girl - you get to have a daughter. You have one of each - something many people regard as the perfect family.

If it’s a boy - you get to have two boys. A brother for your son.

It’s a lovely, wanted baby - it’s a win/win situation!

Tangofandango · 01/01/2021 21:58

My daughter has 2 same sex children. The second one happily wore the first ones baby clothes as they didn't know any different and was happy as long as they were comfortable.

Now that both children have outgrown the first 2 years of clothes my daughter had them made into 2 beautiful patchwork quilts for herself and me. A stunning memory quilt and I will treasure it forever.

Maybe you could do the same with yoour baby clothes?

Shelby2010 · 01/01/2021 21:59

This is quite obviously not about the sex of your baby, it’s that you are grieving for the 3rd child that you won’t have.

I would also have wanted a 3rd but knew I couldn’t. I remember crying when DC2 reached 12 weeks because I’d never have a newborn again, so I know how you feel. Your pregnant & hormonal, so be kind to yourself & don’t let it spoil your happiness. 💐

Icantrememebrtheartist · 01/01/2021 21:59

OP I have three young children and I’m lucky to have daughters and a son but I feel very very sad when I think about never being pregnant again, never having that excitement and wondering whether it will be a boy or a girl. So much so I keep telling myself perhaps I’ll have one more.....even though I know I won’t.

Whatever combination you end up with, be that boy/boy or boy/girl, once you’re hormones calm down you’ll be happy with whatever you have. Although you may find yourself longing to do it again 😊

Agoodbriskwalk · 01/01/2021 22:04

OP I do understand but... it's not the time to be sad. You're ruining this for yourself.

You (personally) get only two chances to find out the sex and to plan and dream. This is one of them. It's happening right now!

It's ok to be sad when it's over, but right now it's exciting. Do you want to look back and remember how sad you were because you knew that you weren't going to get to do it again?

Catsup · 01/01/2021 22:04

Ugh, the majority of this thread is just a nasty pile on for the sake of it. OP is clearly just voicing her feelings out loud. And instead of getting any kind of support she's been bombarded with a load of shit about 'well maybe you shouldn't even be a parent?', 'you should read some self-help books'.... Seriously, wtf? 🙄 Personally I'd ask for HQ to pull the thread OP. Yes, we can all agree to disagree, but this just smacks of 'one up manship' in who can call you out the most.

hulahooper2 · 01/01/2021 22:06

You don’t need to find out , wait till it’s born then find out , and don’t spend the rest of your pregnancy feeling sad about whatever you are not having .

Yeahnahmum · 01/01/2021 22:06

You are pregnant with dc2 and already disappointed no matter the outcome because you cant have a third???
Jeez louis. Go do yourself a favor and go read stories about women longing to have kids but cant get pregnant. Now THAT is heartbreaking. You should be thankful. Stop acting like this op. Not fair to anyone... especially your little one

Anothermother3 · 01/01/2021 22:10

I think it sounds like you want a third and that it’s the finality of things that is hard. I think pregnancy is a weird time and you will be okay once you get used to things and start planning for your lovely baby. My 2 are good friends and I had one of each before unplanned number 3 which obviously changed things.

YouKnowItsTrue · 01/01/2021 22:14

What’s wrong with finding out at the birth?

Thats not particularly fair to partners who may not be able to be there at the birth. There are also plenty of instances where finding out the sex may be relevant for possible medical issues. Generally there's nothing wrong with finding out earlier for whatever reason, as long as its not gender-bollocks related.

But this is related to finding out the sex. All of these ‘gender scans’ are exactly that and have no medical purpose, which is my point really.

Haggertyjane · 01/01/2021 22:15

Statistically the second child is likely to be of the same gender, and the third even more so. So probably a DS

Christmasfairy2020 · 01/01/2021 22:16

@timefor

Christmasfairy2020 · 01/01/2021 22:18

@timeforanother1 basically buy a clear blue ovulation kit. When u get the smiley face have sex and only on the days of smiley face. U will get pregnant with a girl. Who ever it is slower faster etc it works I have 2 dd. Family have girls and so do the colleagues whom couldn't get pregnant til I mentioned the clear blue Grin

Btw to the op. Girl or boy doesnt matter as long as they are healthy.

Violinist64 · 01/01/2021 22:20

It sounds to me as if pregnancy hormones are coming into play. I am lucky enough to have three children, all grown up now. Most people did not know the sex of the baby until after he or she was born. I had a boy first and when my next baby was born I can remember my first thought was a slightly disappointed “oh, it’s another boy.” Less than two seconds later l was thinking “oh, wow, another boy. I’m the luckiest person in the world” and could not take my eyes off my beautiful baby. My third baby was our daughter and she was the icing on the cake but I can honestly say that I would have been just as thrilled with another son. I am sure you will be exactly the same but don’t beat yourself up over your feelings. Hormones play havoc with thoughts at this stage in our lives and a pregnancy in these very difficult times is not as straightforward as it normally would be. Congratulations on your baby and please let us know what you are having.
,

Christmasfairy2020 · 01/01/2021 22:20

What happens is you get the smiley face just before u ovulate so if girls are slower then they are there ready to meet the egg.

Crowncan · 01/01/2021 22:22

OP, I get it. I am due my second and final DC and I imagine 2 futures- one with 2 lovely little girls and one with a lovely boy and girl. As much as I’ll love whichever one I get I will still feel a little sadness that the other didn’t happen. This is a choice for me though- I don’t want any more after this. Also I’m not going to find out the gender as I know that when they hand me my baby boy or girl I will feel nothing but happiness.

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 01/01/2021 22:24

OP I have two boys. Whatever you get is a loss of what you could have got, if that makes sense. What is lovely is you can see the positives of having 2ds, or of having a ds and a dd. And it is the positives that make you sad that you will only get one out of the two available options! What you need to do is focus on what you are getting, not what you are missing out on. I can still feel sad now and then not to have a dd, but then I look at what I do have and I would not swap either of them for all the tea in China.

CounsellorTroi · 01/01/2021 22:25

@Meowchickameowmeow

People saying stuff like 'think you're self lucky, I can't have kids' need to have a word with themselves. OP feeling a bit down about things outside her control has nothing to do with your infertility and it's a shitty thing to say.
Can you genuinely not understand it is hard for people suffering from infertility to read this sort of thing?
purplerobin · 01/01/2021 22:30

OP, I felt the exact same way before both my scans. I knew which ever sex the baby was I'd be disappointed as the life I'd been imagining with the other would instantly disappear.
I felt that emotion for approximately 2 minutes. Then it was replaced at excitement and joy for the child I had in my tummy. Don't feel bad for thinking thoughts you can't control. Just know as soon as you meet your baby that's the only one you'll want!

FestiveStuffing · 01/01/2021 22:34

Go do yourself a favor and go read stories about women longing to have kids but cant get pregnant. Now THAT is heartbreaking. You should be thankful.

Indeed. And the people who were unable to afford Christmas presents this year should be thankful if they can afford a warm home this winter. And the ones that are unable to afford heat this winter should be thankful because they have a home. And the ones that are homeless should be thankful because we don't live in a very cold country...

In fact, the only person who should be allowed to voice any sort of discontent should be that guy whose story inspired 127 hours and had to cut his own arm off. Except, he did have another arm, so really he shouldn't complain- there are people with no arms, don't you know?!

I thought we'd moved past the stiff upper lip malarky.

FestiveStuffing · 01/01/2021 22:35

Can you genuinely not understand it is hard for people suffering from infertility to read this sort of thing?

Then I'd suggest they don't. The title made it pretty clear what the thread would pertain to.

Malibu295 · 01/01/2021 22:36

OP, YANBU.
Gender disappointment is a thing and really you are disappointed you can't have more children regardless of the gender. I am sure this will all go away as soon as you find out, it also probably doesn't help that your hormones will be all over the place. Best of luck for tomorrow x