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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel crap about gender scan? (Tomorrow)

250 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 01/01/2021 18:45

NC as outing.

Due to have a gender scan with DC2 tomorrow and I’ve been in tears several times today. I’m desperate to know but just feel so crap about finding out.

This will be our last baby, for medical and personal reasons a third is off the cards so it feels so final.

I just want a healthy baby but either way I think I’ll leave the apt tomorrow feeling like we missed out on something.

If it’s a second DS I’ll feel I’ve missed out on a DD (whoever they ended up being I don’t care if they weren’t girly let’s not get into that whole ‘sex not gender debate’) but equally if it is a DD then I’ll lose that lovely image of two boys. DS having a little brother to grow up with.

I think I’ve just spent so much of the last few months imagining both scenarios I’ll feel like I’ve lost something either way! It’s a terrible way to look at it I know!

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 01/01/2021 20:36

No, it was people thinking sex and gender were interchangeable terms that landed us all in this confused mess. There was never a 'gender' check, yiu cannot check for something that doesn't physically exist

I don’t know how old you are, but there was never any confusion about what gender meant when used interchangeably years ago. We all knew it meant whether the baby was a boy or a girl back in the good ol days before ‘gender’ was changed to something about ‘expression’ or ‘feelings in your head.’ Perhaps I’m showing my age here.

96chick · 01/01/2021 20:39

This is exactly why my partner and I didn’t find out the sex of our DS, and wouldn’t find out if we are fortunate enough to have another child. Don’t overthink it OP, either way you will have a beautiful child and your DS will be over the moon to have a sibling. I have a brother who is 5 years older than me, and we were so close as children, he would run in from primary school to have a cuddle with his sister. Equally my DP had a brother 3 years older and they’re not remotely close, never have been. Children will be who they are regardless of what’s in their pants. I hope you make peace with it either way, and of course congratulations on your baby Flowers

speakout · 01/01/2021 20:42

I don't see why a "gender scan" is needed.

You will be having a baby- another human life.

Perhaps you should cancel the appointment and focus on enjoying the rest of your pregnancy and preparations for the arrival of a hopefully healthy baby.

speakout · 01/01/2021 20:43

I didn't want to know the sex of my unborns either- so unimportant.

SuperbGorgonzola · 01/01/2021 20:43

I felt exactly the same OP. My eldest is a boy and because of miscarriages, and there being no girls on DH side of the family, I was told the old wives' tales about not being able to carry girls, faulty genes etc Hmm

For that reason, I was hoping for a girl, but expecting a boy and had pictured myself as a mother of sons, two daft lads making jokes at my expense and eating the entire fridge etc etc, and hopefully being really close as adults, as many of the brothers in our families are. Similarly, I am very close to my sister.

And then at the scan we found out she was a girl! And as happy as I am to have a lovely daughter, I had set myself up for a bit of sadness that that image of the two brothers going for a pint together etc wouldn't happen. I still remain worried that my son and daughter won't be as close as they would have been if they had been the same sex.

maddiemookins16mum · 01/01/2021 20:44

YABU, just get a cat. (actually don’t do that either).

Elsielouise13 · 01/01/2021 20:44

Have you read your post back to yourself? You say you know it’s a terrible way to look at it....

You are lucky enough to be having a second baby. YABU - on behalf of anyone who has experienced fertility problems or who wished for a second child but couldn’t have one.

I am actually annoyed by your post.

ManCubsMama · 01/01/2021 20:44

Is this a real post??

PasDevantLesElephants · 01/01/2021 20:46

I get it OP, we had a gender scan with our second and although I'd hoped for a DS, I was expecting a DD.

When they told us, I had a momentary pang for the loss of my mental image of two little girls playing together even though I'd got what I really wanted. It's a conflicting feeling, but it will pass quickly - I couldn't not find out!

Shaniac · 01/01/2021 20:46

Yabu hugly. Gender disappointment is real and temporary and understandable to an extent as you temporarily grieve an upbringing for that child. However ive never known someone so upset over whatever outcome their child happens to be. Dont find out the sex. Just find out its healthy.

speakout · 01/01/2021 20:46

I had set myself up for a bit of sadness that that image of the two brothers going for a pint together etc wouldn't happen.

Hmm
user1470132907 · 01/01/2021 20:46

Feelings are never unreasonable but how you respond to them is a choice.

Loads of others have probably said it but the main purpose of this scan is a detailed check of the baby’s health. That is not a given, in any pregnancy. There is no obligation to tell you the sex tomorrow, actually, and in my part of the world it was actually stopped for a while. So I would just ask not to be told tomorrow, as it is not the purpose of the scan and seems to be causing you a lot of upset - all pain, no gain!

Also, if you think this is the last surprise you’ll get, then I can assure you, children are full of good and bad surprises Grin. And all being well, one of those may be your future child’s own family, however that may look.

I am sad I will only have one DC. I know it is daft as some people who any them never get any. But that doesn’t change the ache at times. But I am learning to accept that ache as the price to be paid for my health and the health of my whole family. I also focus on the reality of another life versus the idea of it, and generally come back down with a bang!

My mum has never had ‘enough’ children. When she stopped being able to have her own due to age, she dated a series of men with young children and has ended up raising my step/sister in her 60s. Sad thing is that she has such tunnel-vision about it, she has completely missed out on her grandchildren and enjoying her older children as young adults, when we were out of the horrible teen phase! She has also not maintain friendships due to need to ‘focus on her new family’. She’ll be 70 soon and it’s really sad. Anyway, this is a very long way of saying that fulfilling that ache, if you were able to, may not actually bring you the peace you imagine and could cause you to lose a lot xxx

BrumBoo · 01/01/2021 20:48

I don’t know how old you are, but there was never any confusion about what gender meant when used interchangeably years ago. We all knew it meant whether the baby was a boy or a girl back in the good ol days before ‘gender’ was changed to something about ‘expression’ or ‘feelings in your head.’ Perhaps I’m showing my age here.

Words change, especially these days. Many MANY arguments based on sex vs gender are of the vein that 'gender is assigned at birth' and that sex/gender are the same things. It's also the reason people say you change 'gender' but not sex, as the latter cannot be changed (and again confusion of this leads to more arguments). It is of highest importance that people know the difference between the two, and use the right distinction. Gender is absolutely meaningless in terms of distinguishing sex, and that should be very clear.

Anyway, thats enough derailing. It's just very important to separate the two words.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 01/01/2021 20:48

Loads of others have probably said it but the main purpose of this scan is a detailed check of the baby’s health. That is not a given, in any pregnancy. There is no obligation to tell you the sex tomorrow, actually, and in my part of the world it was actually stopped for a while. So I would just ask not to be told tomorrow, as it is not the purpose of the scan and seems to be causing you a lot of upset - all pain, no gain!

OP has said that it is a private sexing scan, not the NHS anomaly scan.

Heyahun · 01/01/2021 20:49

I really wouldn’t find out tbh! When the baby arrives surely you’ll just be happy to have a healthy baby who arrived safely and whether it’s a boy or girl won’t matter .

ShottaSheriff · 01/01/2021 20:50

Yes you are being unreasonable, FFS, making yourself miserable about either scenario is just ridiculous.

I went for a reassurance scan at 16 weeks and found that our baby boy had died. That is a shit outcome. A healthy baby of either sex is a gift. Good luck, I hope all goes well and you get over yourself.

Itsokthanks · 01/01/2021 20:51

Yabvu
I hope the scan shows a healthy baby, the sex is irrelevant.

SuperbGorgonzola · 01/01/2021 20:52

@speakout

I had set myself up for a bit of sadness that that image of the two brothers going for a pint together etc wouldn't happen.

Hmm

Sorry, I don't understand your attitude to my post?

I hoped for my children to be close as adults irrespective of their sex.

Anecdotally, it's more common for same sex siblings to be close friends as adults and do things together independent of their parents. I don't know any brother/sister pairings who do things together just by themselves. I know lots of brothers who meet up, and lots of sisters who do. Is it so bad to be a little sad that they won't have the kind of sibling relationship that I enjoy with my sister, and that my husband enjoys with his brothers?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2021 20:52

everything can be a missed opportunity.

i had a DS then twins. identical. i missed out on having one of each. boys. i missed out on having daughters, sisters for DS, being mother of the bride and the granny most likely to get the babysitting gig.

we won't have a fourth, jesus imagine twins again. so i'm missing out on another pregnancy.

DS was critically ill, the first 5 years haven't been typical but the first 18 months were esp rough. then twins, during a pandemic - its been a rough year.

I've missed out on just a normal delivery, breastfeeding, the newborn cocoon (its different with twins, esp with an older child) and doing normal baby groups (DS was too ill, then a few months of twins and c sec recovery then pandemic).

But I also am so lucky to have 3 children, esp give nthe diagnosis at birth for DS. Two healthy twins. The twin experience. All boys together, a different bond. My MIL does more childcare than my DM so it's not a given three DIL will hate me. They'll being their own triple chaos of joy and agony.

You have to look upwards, to the possibilities, not downwards at what you think might have been better

FiFia · 01/01/2021 20:52

I kind of get what your saying, however do you want to spend your last pregnancy feeling low because it’s your last? Why take the last opportunity to enjoy pregnancy away from yourself. Embrace it more, take a lot of pics, book a sibling photo shoot. Just ENJOY it! You’ll look back & regret ruining your last pregnancy based on something you can’t change. Good luck Op x

user1470132907 · 01/01/2021 20:52

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwansonah apologies, missed that. In that case, save your money! Although I am in the camp that think private scans are always a bad idea.

MrsDThomas · 01/01/2021 20:56

Its months to wait. Ive never understood the need for a gender scan.

And missing out?! Jeez......

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2021 20:57

Is it so bad to be a little sad that they won't have the kind of sibling relationship that I enjoy with my sister, and that my husband enjoys with his brothers? i get that you might not be as close to your brother as your sister, or you have no idea how you'd have bonded to a brother as you don't have one, but lots of mix sex siblings are close, and you can't know how your DH would have bonded with a sis cos he has none. In fact my friend has one of each siblnig, and both are closer in their own ways to the brother because there's less compeition

Ginger1982 · 01/01/2021 20:58

"Is it so bad to be a little sad that they won't have the kind of sibling relationship that I enjoy with my sister, and that my husband enjoys with his brothers?"

You have no idea what relationship they will have as they get older. My DH is much closer to his sister then his brother. Be grateful you've been able to have two.

OlympicProcrastinator · 01/01/2021 21:00

@Bumbro you are right, of course.

I just think a mum reaching out wasn’t the right time to pull her up on that. However, I can see why others might feel it’s important every time wherever it happens.