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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel crap about gender scan? (Tomorrow)

250 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 01/01/2021 18:45

NC as outing.

Due to have a gender scan with DC2 tomorrow and I’ve been in tears several times today. I’m desperate to know but just feel so crap about finding out.

This will be our last baby, for medical and personal reasons a third is off the cards so it feels so final.

I just want a healthy baby but either way I think I’ll leave the apt tomorrow feeling like we missed out on something.

If it’s a second DS I’ll feel I’ve missed out on a DD (whoever they ended up being I don’t care if they weren’t girly let’s not get into that whole ‘sex not gender debate’) but equally if it is a DD then I’ll lose that lovely image of two boys. DS having a little brother to grow up with.

I think I’ve just spent so much of the last few months imagining both scenarios I’ll feel like I’ve lost something either way! It’s a terrible way to look at it I know!

OP posts:
DailyCandy · 01/01/2021 21:03

Such rampant immaturity. I'm embarrassed for you.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2021 21:05

Why on earth do you want to know the gender??

It is a bit like unwrapping a present before the event is due!

I specifically didn't want to know, but the scanner operator said ''Look, there's his spine''
I said ''HIS?''

She replied without missing a beat ''Oh, we call all babies ''HE''!

And I believed her.

DS was a he, too.

As long as your baby is healthy that is all that matters :)

Zerrin13 · 01/01/2021 21:05

I just cant abide this attitude that lots of people have these days that they are somehow missing out! If you feel you are going to be missing out on anything by only having 2 children then bloody well have another! People have been having more than 2 kids since time began and unless there are health implications why limit yourself if its all so disappointing.
2 children, whatever their sex is a beautiful family!

MaryLeeOnHigh · 01/01/2021 21:07

Why can’t you use your son's clothes for a girl baby?

oakleaffy · 01/01/2021 21:08

Also, OP, there are women who cannot have ANY children, who would make superb mothers... These would be so so grateful to have ANY baby of their own, whatever the gender.

You really aren't ''Missing out''. Count your blessings and be grateful for what you have.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 21:09

I kind of get what your saying, however do you want to spend your last pregnancy feeling low because it’s your last? Why take the last opportunity to enjoy pregnancy away from yourself. Embrace it more, take a lot of pics, book a sibling photo shoot. Just ENJOY it! You’ll look back & regret ruining your last pregnancy based on something you can’t change.

This is lovely and helpful advice.

Keratinsmooth · 01/01/2021 21:11

I had years of TTC a second, many pregnancy losses and surgery. Don’t you realise how lucky you are to be having a second? Stop being a brat and stop talking yourself into this drama. You’ve massively set yourself up here, your going to be sad regardless of gender. If you can’t give your head a wobble then cancel the scan.

If you can’t reuse clothes then give them to a friend or a charity shop.

ASmallMovie · 01/01/2021 21:12

No clinician worth their salt would ever call it a gender scan or a sex scan. It's an anomaly scan at which you can find out the sex.

Because some people seem to think sex is a 'bad' word they increasingly use the word gender instead. But they are two entirely different things.

I know it seems nit-picky but we're at a point where these two terms are becoming so confused to the point where it risks the protection of the hard-won rights for women based on sex.

Arthersleep · 01/01/2021 21:15

I think that it's just the uncertainty, esp during lockdown and you've over prepared yourself for either scenario. Also, you've made the assumption that, having had two children, you would actually want more. There's a reason why most people reach two and say 'that's it, I'm done! Or never again!'. I think that you are worrying about how you will feel tomorrow. But I honestly think that you'll come out of that scan excited, whatever the outcome.

OlympicProcrastinator · 01/01/2021 21:17

No clinician worth their salt would ever call it a gender scan or a sex scan

Op said it was a private scan which you can buy solely for the purpose of telling you if you’re having a boy a girl.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2021 21:20

@ShottaSheriff

Yes you are being unreasonable, FFS, making yourself miserable about either scenario is just ridiculous.

I went for a reassurance scan at 16 weeks and found that our baby boy had died. That is a shit outcome. A healthy baby of either sex is a gift. Good luck, I hope all goes well and you get over yourself.

That is a nightmare scenario. So sorry for your Loss of your son.

I too thought scans were to detect that all was as it should be, {Or not} and someone telling you the sex/gender was an optional extra.

Going for a scan just to know the sex/gender is something I can't see the point of.

Especially as in some cultures, Baby girls are 'disposed of' simply because they are girls.

Duemarch2021 · 01/01/2021 21:21

Either way, if OP has the scan or not, she will one day find out the gender and it will still be her 'last surprise' ..

I always felt like people who moaned about or preferred a certain sex was unreasonable .. i never thought i could fel that way until i got pregnant and has this overwhelming feeling that i wanted her to be a girl! I felt sooo guilty that i felt that way as i knew how lucky i was to be having a healthy baby but it was a feeling i couldnt shake and i dont know why.

So i would usually say YABU but i can kinda see how you feel. You probably feel guilty and dont know why you feel that way. It could be a deeper issue that you dont understand.

You'll still have the surprise of hair colour eye colour, personality to come... maybe if you do want more children, you could think about fostering or adoption in the future

Viviennemary · 01/01/2021 21:24

I don't get this sorry. You're disappointed but don't even know yet if it's a boy or a girl.

Twospaniels · 01/01/2021 21:28

Don’t have the scan.

It seems whichever gender you are having you will be disappointed.

If you don’t know, when the baby is born and handed to you, you will not care whether it’s a boy or a girl.

Catsup · 01/01/2021 21:28

I'm unsure why OP is getting such a bashing as she's clearly just wanting to offer up her inner feelings about it? Yes, it's all fine and well to say 'Oooh, well aren't you the lucky one to be so picky about it 🙄'. But she's still entitled to feel how she feels without getting the lickings of a dog.

EleanorRigbyWasReal · 01/01/2021 21:28

Selfish and ridiculous. We get what we’re given. Be great full of that.

ancientgran · 01/01/2021 21:29

I'd cancel if I felt like that. It is different actually meeting the baby, the sex won't matter the same as on a scan I think.

You stressed out or husband having to wait to find out? I think you being stressed is more important. Anyway it is lovely finding out when they are born, no one said anything when mine were born until I said, "It's a boy." It was my news and I shouted it out.

See how you feel in the morning?

Christmasfairy2020 · 01/01/2021 21:29

Tbh best advice I give anyone whom wants a girl.

Use a ovulation kit. It tells you when to do it. The sperm is faster and gets there quicker to meet the egg.

For a boy you do it regularly and it's there ready for egg as they are slow swimmers.

I used 2 ovulation kits and have 2 dd. All friends and family and work colleagues whom I told about ovulation kits have dd.

Parker231 · 01/01/2021 21:32

It was better when you didn’t have the option to find out.

LilMidge01 · 01/01/2021 21:34

Seeing as how you are responsible for the development of two young humans and are having such troubles understanding and rationalising your own feelings and emotions, I would say you take a few courses/read some books that help you to be more in tune and understand your emotions (my work put on a short course for employees as part of mental health week and it was really insightful and helpful)... you are clearly a loving mother and so I would say to try to work on this in yourself to help raise well-adjusted children too.

(I'm not trying to be mean but I just wish more parents, my own included, realised how valuable this is and it sounds like it is something you are struggling with)

ZoeCM · 01/01/2021 21:39

If you knew this post would offend you, why did you click on it? We're not playing 'Who has it worst?' top trumps. There's always someone worse off than you.

But the OP isn't badly off at all in this instance Confused She's pregnant with a wanted baby. From what I can tell, she's upset that she's not having twins, one male and one female. Only 4 in 1000 live births result in twins, and only some of those are male/female, so surely it's not a shock that that didn't happen? And parenting twins brings its own challenges...

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2021 21:43

Hi OP, if you are crying at the thought of not reusing your DS's clothes I think it's very likely a lot of this is just hormones making it difficult to regulate your emotions and spending too much time thinking about what you might be missing out on rather than the adventure you're going to get. If FOMO (fear of missing out) has been a common theme in your life at various points or if the feeling doesn't go away then a bit of Mindfulness practice might be beneficial. But otherwise cut yourself some slack.

Accept that your emotions aren't your best friend at the moment and try and put the bad feelings to one side. It won't change the result. Your child will be whatever sex it will be ad it will be lovely either way. You'll either get to experience both a boy and a girl or you'll get to see your two sons grow up together. They are going to make great memories for you, eventually!

ThreeLocusts · 01/01/2021 21:47

It sounds to me like what you're really struggling with is not the prospect of knowing your child's sex but the fact that you can't have any more children after this one. Maybe it would help to focus on making peace with that prospect.

At any rate, whether you're reasonable or not is not really the point here. You just feel that way, don't beat yourself up about it.

waydownwego · 01/01/2021 21:47

It sounds to me that you're ready to have this baby, but you're not emotionally ready to know the sex yet. So why have that scan?

Your DH can wait until you're in a place to process the news in a happier way.

When you're the one carrying the baby, I think your emotions have to take priority. Your wellbeing has a direct impact on the baby.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2021 21:49

@ZoeCM

If you knew this post would offend you, why did you click on it? We're not playing 'Who has it worst?' top trumps. There's always someone worse off than you.

But the OP isn't badly off at all in this instance Confused She's pregnant with a wanted baby. From what I can tell, she's upset that she's not having twins, one male and one female. Only 4 in 1000 live births result in twins, and only some of those are male/female, so surely it's not a shock that that didn't happen? And parenting twins brings its own challenges...

From her OP it sounds more like she's having trouble coming to terms with a smaller family than she had really wanted. Not some unreasonable shock that she isn't having boy/girl twins, just the normal emotional turmoil of dealing with choices denied by physical and financial limitations. She doesn't have to be worse off than others to want things to be different.