To feel crap about gender scan? (Tomorrow)

[Iamthehedgehogqueen]

NC as outing.

Due to have a gender scan with DC2 tomorrow and I’ve been in tears several times today. I’m desperate to know but just feel so crap about finding out.

This will be our last baby, for medical and personal reasons a third is off the cards so it feels so final.

I just want a healthy baby but either way I think I’ll leave the apt tomorrow feeling like we missed out on something.

If it’s a second DS I’ll feel I’ve missed out on a DD (whoever they ended up being I don’t care if they weren’t girly let’s not get into that whole ‘sex not gender debate’) but equally if it is a DD then I’ll lose that lovely image of two boys. DS having a little brother to grow up with.

I think I’ve just spent so much of the last few months imagining both scenarios I’ll feel like I’ve lost something either way! It’s a terrible way to look at it I know!

This is so insensitive to so many. What an awful way to look at things

@ZeroFuchsGiven

The scan is to check your baby's development. It is not a gender scan.

Exactly it's an anomaly scan. Not a biological sex scan. Bigger things to focus on

@Christmasfairy2020

This is entirely bullshit. The Shettles method is based on a 60 year older science paper that has never been replicated. There is no evidence found for any difference in motility of X or Y-chromosome-carrying sperm. There is some interesting stuff about factors that influence more male / female babies at a population level, but trying to plan your baby’s sex by timing is unproven nonsense.

ZeroFuchsGiven

The scan is to check your baby's development. It is not a gender scan.

Exactly it's an anomaly scan. Not a biological sex scan. Bigger things to focus on

No, she's explicitly said she's PAYING for a gender scan. She's paying for someone to 👀 genitals or not

We're only having one. No matter what our babys gender is there'll be a part of me that feels sad we wont have the other. I just keep reminding myself that we will have a beautiful healthy baby.

This is ridiculous. You are choosing to pay for something optional. Nobody is forcing you to have it. It’s an absolute self-made issue so if it’s causing you grief, cancel the scan and then you won’t have any outcome to be in a tizz about all the way until the birth!

I think you hit the nail on the head when you described it as losing an image.....that’s all it is. Just an imaginary idea of what a baby would be like. Instead the scan shows you the amazing reality that you get to look forward to.

I’d feel the same as you if I wasn’t planning a third

OP is legitimately allowed to feel and talk about what she wants without being berated for offending others.

You could reply to most threads on this site in that manner:

"39 Weeks pregnant and so TIRED!"

Plenty of people would love to be pregnant. Have a thought for others.

"AIBU to be fed up with my kids leaving mess everywhere?"

How insensitive. Just be thankful you have kids.

Etc etc.

Thinking of you hedgehog queen. It will work out.x

Gender disappointment, as insensitive it may come across to some, is real. If you feel like this at the thought of a scan, you may want to speak to your midwife for support leading up to the birth.
Hormones are horrible buggers, hope all goes well.

@Ginandshinythings

Gender disappointment, as insensitive it may come across to some, is real. If you feel like this at the thought of a scan, you may want to speak to your midwife for support leading up to the birth. Hormones are horrible buggers, hope all goes well.

Yes it is. But usually for a specific sex. Not either...

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. You’re picturing what life would be like in these two different scenarios, but actually these really are just fictional images in your head- the real picture will be so different, and fundamentally will contain YOUR children- not a fictional pair of adorable sisters snuggling up watching a film or fictional boy and girl running along the beach- they will be YOUR wonderful, squabbling, unique individual family. You’re not losing anything at all by not having a girl, or not having 2 boys- only one of those scenarios exists, the other is literally meaningless. I hope once you’ve had your scan and know for sure, the idea of what you’ve ‘lost’ will quickly fade away, and you can focus on your very real gorgeous baby, whatever the sex.

OP have you found out what you’re having? 😊

YANBU. Completely understandable. I'm a 45 year old with two young children and I have pangs for more. I told myself the only way you get to experience both a son and a daughter, as well as securing them same sex sibling each with the least number of children is by having 2 boys and 2 girls. And how many 2 boy, 2 girl families do you know? It's fairly unlikely. Feel sad and move on to be excited about what you do have. But it's crazy to say you're ungrateful. Lots of people have the same feelings, probably most people think about it.

@Iamthehedgehogqueen how did you get on?

As someone who has had three miscarriages, two of which were discovered during scans, I find this hugely upsetting. When I had my last baby I was sitting there anxious as hell, my main goal was simply to have a baby with a heartbeat and a woman was kicking off because the sonographer couldn’t see the genitals and she ‘just had to know right now’.

Genitalia really isn’t important. I can tell someone has no experience of baby loss when they think it matters.

Can you genuinely not understand it is hard for people suffering from infertility to read this sort of thing?

Then why do they choose to read these topics knowing it’s hard for them to read these things and then go on to berate people for how they feel especially when OP’s know their feelings aren’t rational. It doesn’t change their situations nor does telling people to be grateful and what not, usually make those dealing with feelings like OP feel better. It usually makes them feel worse. What is gained by telling people to be grateful because they don’t suffer certain issues that others do when it is nothing either side can control?

@phoenixrosehere

Can you genuinely not understand it is hard for people suffering from infertility to read this sort of thing?

Then why do they choose to read these topics knowing it’s hard for them to read these things and then go on to berate people for how they feel especially when OP’s know their feelings aren’t rational. It doesn’t change their situations nor does telling people to be grateful and what not, usually make those dealing with feelings like OP feel better. It usually makes them feel worse. What is gained by telling people to be grateful because they don’t suffer certain issues that others do when it is nothing either side can control?

For me personally, Its more an incredulous feeling. I had one of these threads about seven weeks ago, well, no, not a gender disappointment thread it was a "shall I find out what I'm having" thread. Turned out my baby was incredibly poorly and is now dead. So to then see these threads (and I notice them more now, they pop up about every ten days or so) I feel like a haunty mother fucker hanging round hoping that the OPs baby is ok.

It does upset me to a certain extent, because I'm still actually grieving (don't get me started on the "you're grieving the baby you could have had" when it's a boy and not a girl, because, just, no.) Can I understand and appreciate the OPs feelings aren't rational, absolutely. Would I give my right arm for my baby back, absolutely. Do I hope that the OPs baby (whatever they are) is an absolute joy and OP finds happiness and peace to her anxiety about it? Without doubt.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise

Your post made me cry. I’m so so sorry x

Really sorry for your loss Alexa.

I think it is easy for people to lose perspective sometimes. A reminder to be thankful for the positives doesn’t always go amiss. If you’re continually focused on what you don’t have, and what’s missing, you’re going to go through life very dissatisfied.

So sorry for your loss, @AlexaPlayWhiteNoise

Sorry for your loss @AlexaPlayWhiteNoise

I hope everything goes well for OP. As much as people get offended by these threads, none of them or us know what the outcome could be for such posters towards the end of their pregnancies so it seems rather pointless to berate them during an already emotional time for them.

So very sorry for your loss @AlexaPlayWhiteNoise . I hope you are getting good support in real life.
My own firstborn baby died (was stillborn in the end) 15 years ago and I went for a scan to confirm it, so every scan since then (I had 2 more children) was super scary, especially as pregnancy for me was high risk anyway. I still wanted to know what I was having, but I honestly didn't mind. It is going to be one or the other. As you say @Iamthehedgehogqueen, it is good either way. You can't have both options, you'll only get one. I think maybe as others have said maybe your feelings about wanting more children in future are affecting your feelings of finality about this. I have one of each, 3 years apart, and they're really close honestly, so it's the best of both worlds (don't have to be same sex siblings to be close - in fact, my DP doesn't like his brother at all and the feeling's mutual, and they weren't ever close as kids either!).
I hope today has gone ok for you.