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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel crap about gender scan? (Tomorrow)

250 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 01/01/2021 18:45

NC as outing.

Due to have a gender scan with DC2 tomorrow and I’ve been in tears several times today. I’m desperate to know but just feel so crap about finding out.

This will be our last baby, for medical and personal reasons a third is off the cards so it feels so final.

I just want a healthy baby but either way I think I’ll leave the apt tomorrow feeling like we missed out on something.

If it’s a second DS I’ll feel I’ve missed out on a DD (whoever they ended up being I don’t care if they weren’t girly let’s not get into that whole ‘sex not gender debate’) but equally if it is a DD then I’ll lose that lovely image of two boys. DS having a little brother to grow up with.

I think I’ve just spent so much of the last few months imagining both scenarios I’ll feel like I’ve lost something either way! It’s a terrible way to look at it I know!

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 01/01/2021 19:36

I think some people are being a bit harsh.
I get where you’re coming from OP, I’m over the moon to be having a second child and genuinely don’t care if it comes out a flipping t-Rex as long as it’s healthy...
but I’ve had the same ‘oh two boys would be amazing’ immediately followed by the ‘oh one of each would be amazing’ with bits of guilt for the one it won’t be.

Guilt is normal, at every stage.

Good luck for tomorrow, you’re going to happy either way.

Foreverbaffled · 01/01/2021 19:37

Don’t worry, you might have a few pangs either way but they will pass. I didn’t have a sex scan and had my second DS last month. It won’t be a popular thing to admit but on day 3 when my hormones were raging I had a little private cry about the fact I won’t ever have a DD. I let myself feel it and within days was over it and instead over the moon and delighted with my DS (I was anyway obviously but you know what I mean.)

You’re allowed to feel all these things by the way, doesn’t make you any less grateful for what you have Flowers

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 01/01/2021 19:38

Don't assume that because they are brothers they will get on. I have a two year gap between mine and it is only in last couple of years that they have get on with each other...long wait they are now 21 and 19!
But they have both been close to their 17 year old sister and her to them.

Katjolo · 01/01/2021 19:42

Cancel the scan OP.

ktp100 · 01/01/2021 19:43

This is all about mindset.

You're choosing to see each scenario as a loss, rather than a gain.

Maybe try to think about how lucky you are and how many people don't get to have two, or even one.

Cloudmonkey · 01/01/2021 19:43

@ElizaLaLa

Yabvvvvu. Some people can't have any children.
Indeed, one would be lovely
WhatTheFuckHappenedHere · 01/01/2021 19:45

I can’t have children. You are being ridiculous and you know it. Get a grip.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 19:45

YANBU.

I think this is more about it being your last baby than the actual gender.

I also wish the misery competition would end because it’s unhelpful and nasty. OP knows she’s lucky and all, no need to tell her to be grateful or count her blessing and other dismissive bs when she already knows this. Her being able to have children has nothing to do with those who can’t or struggle.

A lot of moms feel this way when it comes to their last pregnancy. I’m pretty sure there are some more helpful and supportive boards out there than aibu.

Good luck with it all Flowers

Silvercatowner · 01/01/2021 19:45

I'm going to sound so 'old person' but I'm really glad they didn't have these private scans back in my day. We found out what we were having when it popped out. You've no control over what sex your child is, so just embrace it.

Another oldster here who found out the sex when they popped out. Much the best way.

Christmas2021 · 01/01/2021 19:45

I agree that I wouldn't get the scan in your case. I would only ever get a gender scan if I knew I would have no disappointment whatsoever either way (or in your case both ways!!). Although that's not the reason I have never had one with any of my dc, I simply like surprises.

The day your baby is born you are so over the moon with your new baby that you don't care what their sex is, they are yours, and you won't have any thoughts about them being your last, you will just be in the moment. To me the perfect family is the family you have, regardless of sex because any dc are such a joy and a blessing. Why set yourself up for something that is going to upset or cause you anxiety that can be avoided.

S111n20 · 01/01/2021 19:46

Be grateful you are having a healthy baby op. YABU

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 19:47

I'm another in the.. don't get the Scan.. camp

Strictlysilly · 01/01/2021 19:47

It definitely seems this is more to do with it being your last as opposed to gender. I felt sad about not experiencing it all again but it passes and think about all the wonderful things that happen when they grow up.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 01/01/2021 19:50

Sounds to me like you're actually just sad that this is your last baby.

katy1213 · 01/01/2021 19:52

That seems such a trivial thing to do, especially as it's making you sad - you don't need to know so just hang on for a proper surprise.

Meowchickameowmeow · 01/01/2021 19:56

People saying stuff like 'think you're self lucky, I can't have kids' need to have a word with themselves. OP feeling a bit down about things outside her control has nothing to do with your infertility and it's a shitty thing to say.

Strawberrypancakes · 01/01/2021 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FestiveStuffing · 01/01/2021 19:56

I think in your shoes I'd just disappoint your DH and cancel. I didn't find out with my second for precisely this reason- I didn't have a preference. When DS was born (we already had a DD), I just got on with getting to know him and didn't really have time to focus on who he wasn't, just who he was.

Meowchickameowmeow · 01/01/2021 19:56

Yourself, not you're self, bloody hell.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 19:57

I'm kinda lost here folks.. would you not be delighted about this pregnancy.. enjoying it .. being your decided last ? Confused

notinthiseconomy · 01/01/2021 19:57

Cancel the scan, OP. Seriously. You'll spend the rest of your pregnancy pining for what could have been, instead of looking forward.

And talk to your midwife about prenatal depression. It's probably just not al pregnancy hormones but just in case it's something more serious.

Good luck.

AboutACat · 01/01/2021 19:58

You’re having a planned baby in the middle of a global pandemic and you’ve spent the day crying because you’re finding out the sex?

Let me weep into my IVF-postponement letter for you.

SummerHouse · 01/01/2021 19:58

Two boys is utterly amazing I promise you.
A boy and a girl is utterly amazing I promise you.
You are in a win / win situation here. You are sad as this is your last. That's ok. But don't let it steal the absolute joy of a either a boy / boy or a boy / girl combo. Both combos are a godsend. Also three is also amazing but can be more scope for fall outs. I think research suggests that the happiest families have two children.

FestiveStuffing · 01/01/2021 19:58

@BlueThistles

I'm kinda lost here folks.. would you not be delighted about this pregnancy.. enjoying it .. being your decided last ? Confused
Not everyone enjoys pregnancy. I bloody hated it both times.
Strictlysilly · 01/01/2021 20:01

@BlueThistles not everyone that is pregnant enjoys it or makes the most of it whether due to health problems or circumstances they are in etc