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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

335 replies

starship08 · 01/01/2021 06:43

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Fortherosesjoni70 · 01/01/2021 12:46

You should have clarified with him first.
I think YBU.
If its the first time chatting and beers, give and take.
If you had just accepted it, he may have done the same for you! ( twice over - use the guilt!)

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 12:51

If it wasn't a problem for him to have a session, then when it started turning into one and you didn't do anything to stop it, it shouldn't have come as such a surprise you did the early; you could have been more proactive at making sure he was finishing the call if it was that important to you.

So her reminding him and him saying ok isn’t considered enough. She should have done more while he was chatting to his brother? Posters would definitely call her controlling and a nag then if she said more at the time. She asked several times. Should she have told him they were going to bed?

Ithinkhedidit · 01/01/2021 12:52

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer it is unreasonable if the parent left in charge is sleep deprived and in a need of a break, which not only can they then not have, but also they have to shoulder the burden of sole childcare/housework all day while the other parent sleeps off their drunkenness and hangover. It's absolutely fine and necessary to have a break but you don't have to renege on arrangements to do so and add to the other person's workload. As the OP said, all he had to do was arrange a swap of the lie-ins or at least apologise and offer her a nap later, but instead he starts an argument. It's not about being a marty - it's about showing common decency and respect for your partner. And I'm sorry but being very very drunk around a small baby first thing in the morning after no sleep isn't acceptable to me at all, but I'll accept others see that differently. I will reiterate, though, that there is no way a mother posting on here that she was up drinking whiskey til 5.30am while her husband looked after their baby and then blamed him for pulling her up on it would be told that she was being in any way reasonable.

Siw2020 · 01/01/2021 12:58

Sounds like you need to stop being so rigid. NYE fell on his turn for goodness sake, cut eachother some slack? I'd be allowing it personally as its just one night, of innocent celebration with his brother + SIL, virtually. I was waiting for you to say he did something horrendous. He didn't. He had one night off. Perhaps he didnt plan for an all night bender, if it literally happens once a year then I don't see the problem. Be flexible with eachother. If it happens every week, you'd be right to be furious. Perhaps you can have 2 lie ins in a row to make up? Just not worth arguing over.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 01/01/2021 12:58

Would the OP have even stayed up until midnight if she'd known that her lie in would be taken away from her?

It's not unreasonable to assume that given she's up in the night feeding, she may have relied on having that lie in to justify having a later than normal night.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 13:01

@Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine

Would the OP have even stayed up until midnight if she'd known that her lie in would be taken away from her?

It's not unreasonable to assume that given she's up in the night feeding, she may have relied on having that lie in to justify having a later than normal night.

Maybe not but i also think it's unlikely DH tricked her to stay up either.

Unless there's a drip feed coming it isn't a big deal

sadcatdiary · 01/01/2021 13:05

He's a selfish bellend.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 01/01/2021 13:06

@Wheresmykimchi

I'm not suggesting that he touched her, but that perhaps he should have shown some thought and consideration for his wife.

Original poster
starship08 · 01/01/2021 13:09

@Hellothere19999

Hahaha I’m so sorry the bloody mumsnet police have come for you - asking if you would let a “pisshead” (hardly) look after your kid and apparently drive and then calling you a control freak for knowing he had seven cans 😂😂😂 Can’t win.

I know, right!! Confused

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 13:09

[quote Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine]@Wheresmykimchi

I'm not suggesting that he touched her, but that perhaps he should have shown some thought and consideration for his wife.[/quote]
As a one off though?

DollySparks · 01/01/2021 13:10

Finally a voice of reason Grin you’re my people x

sixthtimelucky · 01/01/2021 13:15

Christ what a big deal about nothing.

I think you are the unreasonable one - once you knew he'd had '7 beers', even without knowing he'd crack open the whisky, the kind (and sensible) response would have been to accept you were getting up the next morning!

He had a good night with his family on NYE which you've soured You could have just rolled your eyes and told him 'I"m having two lie ins' when he surfaced.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 13:18

Christ what a big deal about nothing

Ther is a lot of it going on, another poster has lost it over her husband eating her prawn crackers. People arguing it’s justified.

I think I’m just starting to realise how laid back and flexible my relationship and home is. Some folks live in hellish jail like conditions.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 01/01/2021 13:19

Oops, that's a bit of a typo. Tricked not touched Blush

Livpool · 01/01/2021 13:21

I can understand why you are annoyed but would let it go and have a lie in the next 2 mornings. It was NYE and a one off

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 13:21

@Bluntness100

Christ what a big deal about nothing

Ther is a lot of it going on, another poster has lost it over her husband eating her prawn crackers. People arguing it’s justified.

I think I’m just starting to realise how laid back and flexible my relationship and home is. Some folks live in hellish jail like conditions.

Oooh where??
Opticabbage · 01/01/2021 13:23

This thread is depressing. Mums rarely do this shit. It's selfish and irresponsible. YANBU.

Ilovenewyear · 01/01/2021 13:24

If he’s generally a good guy, I’d take it on the chin today.
If he is usually a lazy arse I’d make damn sure I got extra lie ins before he returns to work!

Jux · 01/01/2021 13:26

Can you change his routine so he goes to sleep a bit later, that way he'll sleep a bit later. If you change his bedtime in 5 minute increments per week then by March he'll be waking at a much more civilised time.

Original poster
starship08 · 01/01/2021 13:26

He’s up! He’s apologised, I’ve apologised.
Lack of communion. All is fine.

He’s offered to make the roast dinner today.. can’t complain about that.... Grin

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 01/01/2021 13:28

Great OP. Now all those outraged can chill!

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2021 13:29

Mums rarely do this shit.

Speak for yourself, my DH and I both have nights out and weekends away with friends, we routinely pick up the slack for each other and we anticipate each other’s needs. Mind you we’ve been together for 30 years, it wouldn’t have been 30 days if either of us had been this petty.

Distiller91 · 01/01/2021 13:29

All well that ends well, enjoy dinner 😁

HugeAckmansWife · 01/01/2021 13:29

glad its resolved - some hysterical over-reactions on here when all it takes is a bit of kindness on each side. Some on here would have you getting your ducks in a row and lining up solicitors!

Lookslikerainted · 01/01/2021 13:31

If it’s a one off then it would be annoying but I’d let it go. I’d let him sleep til 1 or 2 then hand the baby over and be off for a bath.