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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

335 replies

starship08 · 01/01/2021 06:43

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
YouShouldLeave · 01/01/2021 11:28

Seriously? Those who comment:
”He hasn’t had a drink during christmas”.

That’s achievement to you?
And something to be rewarded?

namechangeforfriday · 01/01/2021 11:29

@Jellycatspyjamas

Did you miss the bit where she said he used to do this all the time when drinking with his brother?

So knowing he tends to loose track of time when drinking with his brother, and knowing he hasn’t been drinking over the festive period, and knowing this year has been hard I’d have told my DH to not worry about the baby, I’d do morning duty and he could have a good night if he wanted to. I’d do that in the full knowledge that he’d do the same for me at another time.

I’d hate to live with someone so petty and mean minded.

So going out drinking and being uncontactable for hours (despite asking OP to pick him up) is acceptable behaviour is it? I’m pretty sure this kind of thing is usually deemed on here as rude and selfish. No wonder so many people end up married to useless lazy men who do nothing if you start enabling them like this.
Sinful8 · 01/01/2021 11:29

Not what you're looking for but this is really not good for you constantly changing your sleep pattern puts a lot of stress on the body. (Takes years of night shift workers lives)

Fixed "earlies" and "lates" between you would be better

BBCONEANDTWO · 01/01/2021 11:31

Sorry OP but I think you should have given him a break and swapped around. Also if he was pissed that's probably why he was more annoyed with you.

WeeWelshWoman · 01/01/2021 11:32

@soubriquet nails it in the first post.

pringlebells · 01/01/2021 11:34

I just think, it's one night and it's not as though it's a random night it is NYE he just should've communicated that he wanted a proper blow out to you

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2021 11:34

So going out drinking and being uncontactable for hours (despite asking OP to pick him up) is acceptable behaviour is it?

But that’s not what happened here is it? The earlier pattern of drinking was something to be addressed at that time in the relationship and for me I’d simply have stopped agreeing to pick him up if he was out with his brother, or agreed that if he wanted a lift he needed to phone me by X time otherwise I’d assume he was making his own way home.

The OP has said this isn’t a regular thing for him, he was at home, she knew where he was. He hasn’t let his hair down over the holidays and has pulled his weight otherwise. Ever single bump in a marriage doesn’t merit a rending of the heavens.

aSofaNearYou · 01/01/2021 11:35

I have the same lie in system as you OP and I would have handled it exactly as you did, and been equally as annoyed. When my partner wants to stay up drinking I do generally switch the lie ins around (unless on balance my need is greater, such as I've had a load of sleepless nights recently or am ill etc). But you reminded him before you went to bed that it was his turn in the morning and he said nothing, so the failure in communication was entirely on him and he is wholly unreasonable to be angry at you now. If he wanted a night off he should have discussed it with you. I think his attitude stinks.

Godimabitch · 01/01/2021 11:35

I think the point is, if he'd have said "sorry babe, I know it was my turn but I'm having a really good time and really needed it, can you do DS today and I'll do two in a row and take him out later so you get some rest"
Yes it wasn't a big ask to get one night with his brother, and he didn't wake you up so was considerate to an extent, but he should have recognised he was asking for something extra and not been grumpy about it, but then, he's had a Brill night, is a bit drunk and his wife walks down down stairs with a face on and takes a dig. You could have handled it a lot better too.

Ithinkhedidit · 01/01/2021 11:35

Yanbu. He should have rearranged the lie-ins so you don't suffer. Also I'm sorry but drinking until 5.30am is totally unacceptable when you have a baby. I'd love to see how many husbands on here would be cool with going downstairs at 5.30am to find their wives drinking whiskey? Honestly how many would say, "you carry on babe, I'll look after little one and sort the house while you go to bed for most of the day"! I'm pretty sure not many, regardless of whether or not it was a one off. I'm always amazed at how this is deemed acceptable for men, but I'm confident that if a woman posted she'd been up all night drinking and now her dh was pissed off at her that she was incapable of caring for her baby, she'd get her arse handed to her. It may have been a shit year but he's a parent now and there's no need to ruin OP's New Year's Day because he can't be considerate or show even a modicum of self-control.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/01/2021 11:36

In those circumstances I would have just said - you owe me big time - and got up with dc.

Dh would have made sure he made up for it. But in general we were less rigid with alternating lie ins.

rothbury · 01/01/2021 11:37

YANBU

As you said in your OP, if he had said he intended to have an allnighter on NYE, you could have swapped lie ins.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2021 11:38

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing is usually deemed on here as rude and selfish. No wonder so many people end up married to useless lazy men who do nothing if you start enabling them like this.

Meanwhile, in real life people who love each other come and go a bit, make exceptions, forgive, look at the whole picture not just the last 12 hours.

My DH and I have both been in the situation where one or other of us has drank more than planned, stayed out later than planned - it all evens out over time.

partyatthepalace · 01/01/2021 11:39

You are a wee bit in the wrong - but mostly I’d It’s just bad comms, followed up by being pissed/tired angry, and all the stress of a young baby at the end of a stinky year.

It would have been nice if you could have let him have this night, whether as a bonus extra or by organising your shifts.

If I were you I would make him a cup of tea when he wakes up, apologise for your part in bad comms - make a joke - and book your own zoom drinks ASAP.

Grapewrath · 01/01/2021 11:41

I’d have taken one for the team tbh

yetanothernamitynamechange · 01/01/2021 11:42

You were not in the wrong, but you need to have a proper talk with him when he is sober.
Also, all the people saying waht is wrong with letting your hair down/being spontaneous/its New Years etc. Well yes, but what if OP had decided to be "spontaneous" - eg go of to her sisters if they are in her bubble/the tiers allow, get drunk herself just for once, just go for a really long walk or cycle ride. She cant ever do that if she is the default parent. Pre-children I could randomly stay out all night with my friends, or maybe meet a friend for coffee and chat for 5 hours and end up staying for dinner. So long as I didnt have any other plans/promises then I wasnt impinging on anyone elses freedom by exercising mine. As soon as you have children then the decision to do this things innevitably impacts on the ability of the other parent to do what they want. So the OPs DH decision to stay up drinking whiskey till 5 am has meant the OP doesnt have her lie in. Its not LTB territory but I would expect him to make it up to you by giving you 2 lie ins in a row, and ideally some apology for being an arse as well (but I wouldnt discuss it further till he was sober and awake).

hansgrueber · 01/01/2021 11:42

What on earth do people find to talk about for so long on zoom calls etc? Were they with you would he have stayed up talking for so lonmg? Most years we were all in bed by 1am! I spoke with my beother the other day for over an hour, longest conversation I've ever had with him and we're both in our 70s!

yetanothernamitynamechange · 01/01/2021 11:44

@partyatthepalace I do see your point, but maybe if he had communicated that he wanted to "have his night" she could have ;et him have it, rather than him promising he wpuld still get up with the baby and then changing his mind and being an arse with it. It shouldnt always be the woman who has to "communicate" her own feelings in a gentle way and try to interpret what her husband is feeling.

PurpleWave · 01/01/2021 11:49

YANBU.

Sleep is precious when you've got young kids and he just assumed you'd be the default parent while he opted out of responsibility. I'd be pissed off too.

cyclingmad · 01/01/2021 11:53

I'm all for men and women doing their equal share but wow I think its judt so sad that your creating a situation where your now essentially point scoring. If you miss one lie in its suddenly a massive deal.

What are you children...mummy why has so n so had two chocolates and I only had one its not fair...

Thats how it comes across except in your case its about lie ins.

Weirdlynormal · 01/01/2021 11:55

Now and again I like to be less than perfect and I’m glad my DH doesn’t go on and on. It’s rare, so he cuts me some slack. Perhaps view it like that, you too can behave badly without it being the end of the world.

The vote shows this is not a slam dunk.

BubblyBarbara · 01/01/2021 11:56

When he started to drink I said to him, don’t forget it’s your turn to get up, and he said he knew and was only going to have a few beers.

Some people’s judgement is impaired when they drink alcohol.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 01/01/2021 11:56

Also I'm sorry but drinking until 5.30am is totally unacceptable when you have a baby

don't be so precious Ithinkhedidit Hmm

It's unacceptable if you are IN SOLE CHARGE of the baby. When there's another parent, what on earth is the issue.

In a normal year, it would be absolutely fine for one of the parents to go out, go with friends, be away for one night - mother OR father. Refusing to do anything but staying with the baby giving up everything else makes you a martyr, not a good parent.

It's not a normal year, it was a zoom call instead of a normal going out.

I feel so sorry for kids who are stuck with so-called perfect parents who can't show the minimum of independence and have a bit of fun.

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 01/01/2021 11:58

YABU it was one night. Have your lie in tomorrow.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 01/01/2021 11:59

I am not a big drinker, but I have plenty of zoom calls with friends or family originally set up for 1 hour and which ended up lasting until 2 or 3 am!

I would be very unimpressed if I was with a controlling partner moaning because I spoke too long and he had to deal with the kids diner and bed time on his own. Instead mine let me sleep the following morning, unless we had specific plans. And vice-versa. That what NORMAL should be.