Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

335 replies

starship08 · 01/01/2021 06:43

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
GhostCurry · 01/01/2021 11:59

@HugeAckmansWife

I get why you're pissed off but I also do agree that one night after this shitty year isn't a big ask. He probably didn't intend for it to be an all nighter at the start. There's been v little chance for spontaneity this year. However, it would be nice if he gets his head together later and offers you the next couple of lie ins. Give and take is all.
This.

He got carried away. It was New Year’s Eve. He should make it up to you, but now isn’t the time to make an example of his behaviour.

Highfivemum · 01/01/2021 12:01

I understand where you are coming from but I would have been more flexible. You had to get up to tell him so why not have let him enjoy time with his DB then say you owe me two days running now. Surely that would have been the best option. He sounds like he is not a bad person and you know howbit is when ur enjoying yourself. Give him some slack a bit of compromise.

Lalliella · 01/01/2021 12:04

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

I’d have shrugged, let it go and taken the piss out of his inevitable hangover for the rest of the day.

One night / morning of staying up boozing really really wouldn’t bother me. The ‘my turn to lie in’ rule is good but you need some flexibility. It was NYE after all.

^^ this.

It was only one night, he doesn’t make a habit of it, it was just a spontaneous bit of fun with his brother. YABU to want to deprive him of that. He owes you 2 lie-ins then all’s fair. In the nicest way, you need to lighten up a bit.

Confusedandshaken · 01/01/2021 12:08

You say this was a one off and it sounds like he had a wonderful, spontaneous, unplanned time drinking and chatting with his brother. It's a shame it has been turned into an reason for an argument.

LindaEllen · 01/01/2021 12:09

Assuming he's helpful and fair the rest of the time, I think YABU here. It's new year, we've all had a shit year, and he was having a good time with his family. It's a bit rubbish of you to begrudge him that. He'll make it up to you.

strawberrypip · 01/01/2021 12:11

OP I think you need to reassess going forward your sleep schedules anyway. if you are the one getting up during the night then he should be getting up with the baby in the mornings anyway.

I'm thinking this is where the resentment is coming from and those screaming ITS ONE NIGHT probably cant remember how exhausting it is. I have a 1 year old who still wakes up 3 times a night on average and its horrible so I think that is why I sympathise with you a lot more. your sleep is taking the regular battering and I get why it feels so unfair and not like its just one night. sadly, this is such a common theme when it comes to childcare and why it gets my back up so much.

notdaddycool · 01/01/2021 12:12

I never drink like that but when the kids were really young my wife used to make a condition of me drinking I was the one to get up. It certainly moderated my intake. She’s only shown sympathy once. If he’s not drunk all Christmas I’d let this go but say he’s up early tomorrow (and possibly the day after) and rip the shit all day. It’s been an awful year, let him enjoy.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 12:13

Also, all the people saying waht is wrong with letting your hair down/being spontaneous/its New Years etc. Well yes, but what if OP had decided to be "spontaneous" - eg go of to her sisters if they are in her bubble/the tiers allow, get drunk herself just for once, just go for a really long walk or cycle ride. She cant ever do that if she is the default parent. Pre-children I could randomly stay out all night with my friends, or maybe meet a friend for coffee and chat for 5 hours and end up staying for dinner. So long as I didnt have any other plans/promises then I wasnt impinging on anyone elses freedom by exercising mine. As soon as you have children then the decision to do this things innevitably impacts on the ability of the other parent to do what they want.

Agree. Pre-children, I would go out with friends or over to their homes but I still made sure not to go overboard when I knew I had responsibilities to attend to. They’d moaned a bit and tell me to stay longer, but I’d say they were welcome to take over my job (childcare provider) and as expected that shut them up quick and they’d wish me luck.

My own husband would have just swapped the lie-ins anyway just in case since if things would have gone longer than he expected (usually does with him when drinking and talking), he wouldn’t have to worry about getting up, if it didn’t, he would still get a lie-in.

lcdododo · 01/01/2021 12:16

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together

This!

midnightstar66 · 01/01/2021 12:19

I never drink like that but when the kids were really young my wife used to make a condition of me drinking I was the one to get up. It certainly moderated my intake.

Wow, way to ruin a rare occasion to let your hair down 😆.

Hellothere19999 · 01/01/2021 12:22

Hahaha I’m so sorry the bloody mumsnet police have come for you - asking if you would let a “pisshead” (hardly) look after your kid and apparently drive and then calling you a control freak for knowing he had seven cans 😂😂😂 Can’t win.

Yes this is annoying and I would be pissed off but tbh I would have expected it from my partner if he commonly does it with his brother, sometimes tho men can surprise you but not this time. I’d let it go tho as it is New Years and make him grovel abit. Good luck x

Valkadin · 01/01/2021 12:22

I can see why you are irritated but I would personally have not wanted my DH caring for the baby after 7 beers even if he wanted to. It’s just too much of a risk.

lcdododo · 01/01/2021 12:23

I never drink like that but when the kids were really young my wife used to make a condition of me drinking I was the one to get up. It certainly moderated my intake.

You can't be serious! That's control

blablablaa · 01/01/2021 12:28

@WhoseThatGirl

I think you could have taken one for the team. You can have your lie in tomorrow. It’s been a shitty year and he was able to have a bit of a release. I’d kill for a drunken night with my sister and would expect my DP to cover this one time for me. If he was doing it all the time that would be a different matter but if he generally does his share YABU
Agree.

Yes there's a schedule but surely you have to allow for flexibility ? Let the man live a little it's one night on new years with eve his brother not every weekend. Why not just get up and get on with it and tell him he is doing 2 mornings in a row and the cleaning up or something

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 12:28

OP I think you need to reassess going forward your sleep schedules anyway. if you are the one getting up during the night then he should be getting up with the baby in the mornings anyway

Yes, yes this. You make sure that fucker never has a lie in again. Get in there op. Make his life as hellish as possible. Don’t you compromise or be flexible, you get in there ans stick it to him hard.

Oh and could you then come back and share your divorce story?

Littlesparrow0 · 01/01/2021 12:32

I think you are in some ways being unreasonable and in someway not.
I get where you are coming from regarding an odd lie in whilst he's off over Christmas holidays. I thought I'd get that as well. I've 2 toddlers just turned 2& 3. My house is manic most days. I was looking forward to DH being off and helping with our 2 yr old who still wakes during the night and then gets up at 7am. Im still so sleep deprived and shes 2! Hes been off 2 weeks now and has been in with her during the night once, I've done the rest and he lies on until 11.30 every morning without fail and thats with me pleading and begging him to get up and give me a hand or get up so we can do something like a walk before lunch. I was promised a lie in this morning as a treat and low and behold hes only just got up from bed after noon. I already have new yrs dinner cooking and he wasn't even drinking last night.

So my point is at least he is doing his fair share! You've had mornings to have the odd lie in. I know it was your turn to lie in but you did go to bed conserabley earlier to him and he was in drinking. Id have assumed knowing how much he was drinking come that point there wasn't a chance he was gonna be up with the little one. Tell him he's on duty tomorrow morning and get your lie on.

Having kids is hard work and having the odd lie in is completely precious. So I completely understand you are annoyed he didnt do his turn but in fairness he sounds like he does treat you to lie ons and this is most likely a once off. He was catching up with family during the strangest new yrs eve ever and I dont think he should be begrudged for that. What about your sis in law, sounds like she's dealing with the same thing. Her husband was the one on the other end of the zoom call. Call her up a have a massive rant about the two fuckers x

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 12:33

OP I think you need to reassess going forward your sleep schedules anyway. if you are the one getting up during the night then he should be getting up with the baby in the mornings anyway

Yes, yes this. You make sure that fucker never has a lie in again. Get in there op. Make his life as hellish as possible. Don’t you compromise or be flexible, you get in there ans stick it to him hard.

Wow. Where in that does it say make his life hell?

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 01/01/2021 12:36

@Bluntness100

I wouldn't personally want to be married to a man who loves and respects me so little they he stays in bed, after a full night sleep, whilst I've been up and down feeding a baby.

Surely the aim of parenting together is to share the load?

strawberrypip · 01/01/2021 12:36

@Bluntness100 you are being deliberately goady now.

all I'm saying, is I get why the OP is feeling hard done by. if she is getting broken night sleep every single night and he is not, then yes he should probably be getting up more often than she does in the mornings. It is the only way me and my partner survived the newborn stage - I breastfed throughout the night and he got up with our daughter in the mornings. I would of found it impossible to of done both. this has probably just tipped OP over the edge - 5 hours of broken sleep, no lay in and a hungover feeling sorry for himself partner all day. all I'm saying is I get it.

And thanks for that rude ending there. so witty and clever.

strawberrypip · 01/01/2021 12:39

super dickish thing to say to what was an entirely reasonable comment.

DianaBrackley · 01/01/2021 12:42

OP from reading your replies it reads to me like you subconsciously knew he'd have a late one, and maybe set him up to fail? So you're legitimately aggrieved but since you already had a premonition you'd be getting up, it's your fault you're annoyed, if you see what I mean?

If it wasn't a problem for him to have a session, then when it started turning into one and you didn't do anything to stop it, it shouldn't have come as such a surprise you did the early; you could have been more proactive at making sure he was finishing the call if it was that important to you.

To me you're being a bit of a martyr about the whole thing and it's honestly not worth making it into an issue if it's a one-off event.

Mylittleturkeysandwich · 01/01/2021 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 12:43

I'm on the fence. All this chat of sleep ins is a bit.....petty?

You should have taken one for the team (you'd had five hours and could go back to bed) and he owed you.

Hellothere19999 · 01/01/2021 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Weebitawks · 01/01/2021 12:45

If he did this whenever it was your turn for a lie in than I'd think he was unreasonable it doesn't sound like he was originally planning on staying up all night and it got away from him. I know it's annoying but there has to be give and take, he didn't do this to intentionally steal your lie I