DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

@JimandPam

OP, after reading your updates, the fact he asked you to stay up with him, the history with his brother, the fact you checked so many times and you were up BF at 2am I GET IT.

I really do. I'd be pissed off. From the way you've described him, I don't think he was thoughtlessly putting tow fingers up at your lie in. He had a few drinks too many and wrongly didn't think through the consequences-who does after some drinking?

I do think you are taking this far more personally than you should-but my DD has just started sleeping through and I remember how much I used to tot up and bank on my sleep so I do understand:

BUT, I think I'd wake him up soonish, he's had enough of a lie in now. And make sure you get a couple going forwards. I wouldn't hold onto the anger as I don't think it was done with malice.

My DS 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Jellycatspyjamas

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together.

This, when you knew he’d had a few drinks and was planning to stay up did you not just think “ok that’s fine I’ll get up with the baby”? My DH more than pulls his weight with the kids and the house - I really couldn’t be doing with all the point scoring and would be appalled if he grudged me having one night to let me hair down.

He has drank through Christmas, has a rare night with his brother and drank more than he planned. Are you really so petty you can’t just be glad he has some down time and plan to have some time for yourself later?

Agree with these posters. I couldn't live with such a rigid routine!

Really surprised at the responses. He was completely in the wrong - YANBU! When you have a baby you can’t just make decisions purely for yourself any more. How many mothers would ‘have a few’ then decide to carry on without consulting or rearranging things with their partner? If you this slip and be ‘flexible’ and how many more times is he going to take the piss? You should bugger off on a day out on your own OP and be u reachable when he wonders where you are.

If a father had gone to bed early without a drink and the mother had spent a few hours with a couple of drinks catching up with a family member and maybe lots track of time, it would be totally reasonable to hope the father would cover the early shift. It's not any different

Your not being unreasonable especially given his reaction to it.

I think at some point even the most helpful dads have ended up getting carried away at some point my DH did similar when our DS was 5 months.

He hasn't repeated it since as I gave him til 11 (when I knew he had sobered up) and then said we have a baby and consequences in a very cheery voice. He was handed my son for every dirty nappy that day with a hangover!

Don't argue with him about it (have a lie in tomorrow) and just cheerfully keep telling him to do things for baby whilst not holding baby too much with a hangover it will be lesson enough do not let him be in bed all day!

Talking to DB New Years Eve was probably not unreasonable in itself .However staying up to 5.30 am drinking Whisky was! What if you had decided to do the same talking to your Sister I wonder? Maybe say he is doing the weekend both days! and you will have a nice box of Chocs or some flowers from him to say Sorry!

Suggesting the OP buggers off for the day and is unreachable, out of spite because her DP had the cheek to enjoy himself on NYE?! Seriously I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone so petty. It was a one off, on NYE. Seriously, partnerships are about giving each other a break every now and then and being happy for each other. Give and take, compromise, flexibility, empathy. Even more so when you have a child together.

You'll probably find the people giving this advice would never actually do that in real life or anything like it. It's all too easy to type it. I think (hope) few people act like this IRL

Hi Op
I can see both sides here
Yes of course you are right.!
But I can also understand its been a real shitty weird year, and he just wanted to make most of zoom call with his family,
(He proberely didn't intend for it to be all nighter/early morn drink Bender, sort of thing too,
( there been precious little opportunity to have spontentity/fun last year !!!

He your husband should have just said sorry,and give you a afternoon lie in..

You both need to be bit more flexible
If its just a one off event that your husband was like that,leave it go,
Just ensure you get a couple/few days lie in to be fair..
If there is more to this his attitude/behavior often has form for this,
Then obviously need to be assertive about your personal needs/boundaries..

YANBU. He didn't think it through and it was a bit selfish of him.

@MotherExtraordinaire

Are you saying that at 6am you'd have gladly let your oh have driven your baby around after 7 beers?

I really don’t understand why you have brought driving into this? No one has mentioned anything about driving! (Except you)

Are you saying that if you’ve had alcohol and are over the legal driving limit, then you shouldn’t be allowed to look after a child?

To an extent, of course I agree. If DH was completely off his face, falling over, slurring, then no, I wouldn’t have left him with DS.

But at 12.30am when I went to bed, he was fine.
He said he was staying up a little longer to chat to his brother. At this point he’d stopped drinking so for me to think he’d be okay to get up with his son isn’t unreasonable under those circumstances!!!

He opened the whiskey after I’d gone to bed and he’d said he would be coming up shortly.

If he’d opened it whilst I was up then there would be no way I’d expect him to be having DS in the morning.

As for driving, neither myself nor my husband would drive even after one drink!!!

It is thoughtless of him, but it was NYE, surely you could make allowances for one night and swap over. If it were a regular occurrence I think it's fair enough to challenge him on it.

Honestly it must be hell in some homes. No flexibility, total spite if you cut loose one night, catastrophising you’ll be doing it all the time.

I guess the ops not alone in her reaction.

I’d not want to live like this though. I would want both my husband and I to give flexibility to the other in this sort of event.

I agree with you.

I normally dislike the claim that marriages don’t last as long because people have become lazy and don’t put in any effort (when in fact, women don’t have to put up with the shit they used to). But, there is stll something left for charitableness in a relationship, a bit of forgiveness (being willing to overlook the odd oversight, since none of us is perfect), and not retaliating in a tit for tat way, eg going out and being unreachable.

Of course there’s a balance to me struck - you shouldn’t tolerate CF behaviour for years. But if they’re generally decent, neither does it seem healthy to always be alert and suspicious of your OH, cynical of their every mistake. I think that destroys trust imo.

Sounds to me your husband is easily led when drunk. I am the same. He had a few beers and then just carried on. You have every right to be pissed off with him, but it's new year and there's been fuck all else to look forward to. You went to bed early so I'd take one for the team and get up with the kids. Though he now owes you one. Have a nice lie in tomorrow. I was ill over Christmas and my husband let me sleep in for a couple of mornings. I got up with the kids this morning so he could have a lie in even though we both had a couple of cocktails and went to bed late. Swings and roundabouts.

You'll probably find the people giving this advice would never actually do that in real life or anything like it. It's all too easy to type it. I think (hope) few people act like this IRL

I hope you’re right. Some of the hysteria and spiteful suggestions are appalling. I can’t get my head round the way some folks say they would behave in this scenario. I’m surprised someone’s not said ltb yet.

If either my husband or I had done this, both of us would just laugh and say ok it’s hour turn tomorrow. Not think of ways to fuck the other over as hard as possible as revenge.

I very much doubt people would be happy to hear about a new mum drinking until 5.00am, unable to look after her dc whilst not having organised anyone to look after her child.

But in this case you can’t flip it, because there was always going to be a responsible parent in the house because OP is breast feeding and not drinking. Acknowledging that the parent who hasn’t had a drink will be looking after the baby instead of the one who has doesn’t take any “organising”. It’s just common sense. You read the situation, you know who will be the one in charge of the baby next morning. Had it been a regular occurrence then yes i’d Say you have your point about “the mother always expected to pick up the slack to accommodate the dad’s wishes to get drunk”, but this ISN’T what happened here, is it? It sounds very much like a one off and that OP’s DH is usually an equal parent.

I bet my life that if the baby was not being breast fed and OP was wanting a drink on NYE as well as her DH that the discussions and “organisation” would have been a lot more robust - they would have to be. I don’t think it’s the crime of the century for a one off occasion for OP’s DH to be enjoying a drink with his brother and consider that his wife may notice that and silently both acknowledge that they could come to arrangement later about making up for one lost lie in. Especially when OP knows that he does enjoy his get togethers with his brother and they tend to go on longer than planned.

@scubadive I think you tagged me in your post by accident...

I think you’re winding yourself up now op. Try to take a step back and calm down, the way you’re posting you’d think he done something heinous like kill a small puppy, rather than tie one on with his brother on New Year’s Eve and uou missed your lie in.

So the OP stayed up till midnight (which we don't know if she would have done otherwise), was back up at 2ish to tend to baby, and then up for the day at 5.30, and by that time her partner hadn't even gone to bed, and is now expecting undisturbed sleep in the form of a long lie in. So his decision has meant she's had a maximum of about 5h of broken sleep.

I don't even know why she's only getting half of lie ins given she is feeding during the night. her lie in is purely catching up on her lost sleep. She should be getting the vast majority of them.

[quote starship08]@MotherExtraordinaire

Are you saying that at 6am you'd have gladly let your oh have driven your baby around after 7 beers?

I really don’t understand why you have brought driving into this? No one has mentioned anything about driving! (Except you)

Are you saying that if you’ve had alcohol and are over the legal driving limit, then you shouldn’t be allowed to look after a child?

To an extent, of course I agree. If DH was completely off his face, falling over, slurring, then no, I wouldn’t have left him with DS.

But at 12.30am when I went to bed, he was fine.
He said he was staying up a little longer to chat to his brother. At this point he’d stopped drinking so for me to think he’d be okay to get up with his son isn’t unreasonable under those circumstances!!!

He opened the whiskey after I’d gone to bed and he’d said he would be coming up shortly.

If he’d opened it whilst I was up then there would be no way I’d expect him to be having DS in the morning.

As for driving, neither myself nor my husband would drive even after one drink!!![/quote]
Are you saying that if you’ve had alcohol and are over the legal driving limit, then you shouldn’t be allowed to look after a child?
Absolutely this. And yabu to think that even this would have been acceptable or appropriate.
So back to my original point, you've oracriy set this whole scenario up.
Yes it was your turn for a lie in. But it was also NYE. A one off. Yes historically he's drunk with his brother, but there are far worse things he could be doing.
You're really making a mountain out of not even a molehill! Is this the tone that you wish the new year to take?

@midnightstar66

Suggesting the OP buggers off for the day and is unreachable, out of spite because her DP had the cheek to enjoy himself on NYE?! Seriously I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone so petty. It was a one off, on NYE. Seriously, partnerships are about giving each other a break every now and then and being happy for each other. Give and take, compromise, flexibility, empathy. Even more so when you have a child together.

You'll probably find the people giving this advice would never actually do that in real life or anything like it. It's all too easy to type it. I think (hope) few people act like this IRL

Did you miss the bit where she said he used to do this all the time when drinking with his brother?

I know it all sounds really petty and like I’ve deprived him of a drink, but I haven’t meant it to be like that, I just feel pissed that he couldn’t have been upfront with me.

It does sound petty, he wasn’t up front with you because he didn’t plan to be up that late and drinking, he got carried away with his brother. He’s pulling his weight by the sound of it at other times, is there really no room for give in your marriage? You say you don’t consider yourself to be rigid while being incredibly rigid. If he was doing this every other night you’d have a point but as a one off I’d let it go - holding resentment is the kiss of death for any relationship especially when you are both adjusting to parenthood.

It's Nye's .....he hasn't had a drink all over Xmas.
I get why your annoyed however he was having fun with his brother , you've pooped on his party
Yabu

It was a one off. OP, have yourself an afternoon nap today and a lie in tomorrow and the next day. Job done. Move on.

I thank the OP for posting this, though, @Bluntness100, because, judging by the amount of people seeing it as something that warrants “punishment” it demonstrates just how easily some relationships can go wrong quickly when empathy, kindness, flexibility, willingness to discuss your upset calmly etc are absent.

It must be the case that some people are offering their opinion based on their experience a deadbeat dad of a partner who regularly takes the piss expecting the mother to do all the childcare.

I personally feel yabvu. There have been times (yes, since having children) that me and dp have been out and one of us has had a few too many drinks and assumed the other would look after DS the next morning.
I remeber one night, we both said we wouldn't drink (neither of us really drink much anyway), went to a friend's house for a takeaway and they cracked out the cocktails so I went back on out previous agreement and thought I would just have a cheeky one. As I'm sure you can predict, I can't remeber getting home but I know dp didn't have any Despite it being his turn for the lay in the next day, he got up with DS and let me sleep in till about 3pm as this was when the room stopped spinning. Dp gave me a bacon sandwich, not a row.

Did you miss the bit where she said he used to do this all the time when drinking with his brother?

So knowing he tends to loose track of time when drinking with his brother, and knowing he hasn’t been drinking over the festive period, and knowing this year has been hard I’d have told my DH to not worry about the baby, I’d do morning duty and he could have a good night if he wanted to. I’d do that in the full knowledge that he’d do the same for me at another time.

I’d hate to live with someone so petty and mean minded.