AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

june2007

“If she genuinly has no one else to ask then YABU, to say no”

You cant possibly make that judgement without knowing OP’s personal circumstances.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

You should be proud of yourself OP! It's good to hear for once of a woman who's prepared to stand up for what SHE wants instead of always giving into the wants and needs of others. You're an example to us all. Well done and good luck for the future!

I think it's very sad that people would not put others first. It leads to a very selfish, uncaring society that I hope never to live in.

@owlwearingglasses I agree with you SD was selfish and uncaring

I know @owlwearingglasses the OP’s husband sounds charming...Totally selfless and caring volunteering his overworked wife without consulting her first! The OP’s husband and step daughter clearly don’t give a fig about her, as they’ve obviously been putting themselves first for a long time. Arrogant and entitled attitudes such as theirs don’t develop overnight. The OP is better off without people like that in her life.

OP I'm glad your standing firm regards your career etc ..

WTF; this thread is crazy! Any other thread about this and you'd get the Mumsnet mantra of "no is a complete sentence" trotted out. For some reason, OP uses it and she's a heartless bitch. Give yerselves a wobble people.

OP hope all is well 🌺

I hope you're able to reclaim your house and your bedroom today. Good luck.

I went back yesterday. When he came in from work this morning all he said was, “How long am I in the spare room for?” We sat down over breakfast and talked. It is clear to me that he just thinks this is a one off blip, and normal service will be resumed soon.

He keeps a room free in the house he rents out, (HMO) because it is very near the hospital he works at, - he sometimes sleeps there when he is on call.

I’ve told him to move out ASAP and sleep there full time. I’ll help him out by packing his bags today.

Sorry it has come to this op. It is good that you are able to focus on what you need and want (including respect for your time and work). I’m not sure I would have had your strength.

So sorry it's come to this @Greenfingeredsue.

Thanks for the update.
Sadly if he cannot now see your point of view he probably never could. The rose tinted specs are off.

Wow. He really doesn't want to get it, does he.

Sorry it's come to this, but I would do the same as you are.

“How long am I in the spare room for?”

Wow so he clearly thought you were having a little tantrum but service would resume as normal when you got over yourself. I am sorry that it came to this OP but I so admire your strength and wish more women on here knew their own worth like you do. Onwards and upwards.

Wow!

OP, whilst this may be very upsetting at the moment, I think you will be glad that he eventually showed you EXACTLY who he was and how little he cared for your wellbeing.

Great that he can move out quickly.

Keep posting and mind yourself.

So sorry it's come to this but at least you know now. Sadly his daughter will be gleeful about it. Men are fools

I'm sorry too that its come to this. Would you not try couples counselling to highlight the error of his way. Hopefully he would change his attitude?

@Beautiful3

I'm sorry too that its come to this. Would you not try couples counselling to highlight the error of his way. Hopefully he would change his attitude?

It’s not the job of couples’ counsellors to show men “the error of their ways” .

And why would he care what a counsellor says when he doesn’t listen to his own wife?

True @CONNIE just seems a real shame.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Entitled people will be, well, entitled.

One thing for you not to be surprised at is if he 'moves on' rather swiftly. People like that 'need' someone to be at their beck and call to handle the 'life work' that they're just too busy and important to handle themselves.

They don't love their partner, they love what their partner does for them. When their partner stops doing, the 'love' quickly dies.

@Beautiful3

True *@CONNIE* just seems a real shame.

I know it’s always sad when a marriage ends. But if I’m understanding correctly, this isn’t a misunderstanding. It’s about his attitude of entitlement , as @AcrossthePond55 says.

The OPs job/ feelings/ priorities/ life don’t matter. Her husband doesn’t mind her having these things, just as long as she is willing to drop them at any time to serve him. Because this isn’t about his daughter and her kids, it’s about him and what he wants ALWAYS having to come first.

Once you have seen this, you begin to see your relationship differently. The scales have fallen from your eyes and it’s hard to go back.

This man is in his 40s? A few sessions with a counsellor won’t change his entire world view and value system.

Wow, good tor you, OP!

What was his reaction?

Well yes sadly @Greenfingeredsue, the writing has been on the wall for a wee while in all this, and his “have you finished your huff yet” would have sent me into orbit

You have done the right thing, you’ve given yourself time and space and calm to think this through and you can see in the cold light of day that your needs aren’t anywhere on his agenda

It is sad, very sad that it’s come to this, but you deserve better.

You’re a strong woman.

Agree re the counselling.

He’s had a while to consider his position, he’s had plenty of opportunities to work out why @Greenfingeredsue has reacted in the way she has, but he has chosen to take the ‘Silly irrational woman’ path.

More fool him.

Yeah he probably will hook up with some other woman quickly because a relationship is all about how HE looks.

If he hooks up with another woman god help her. The daughter is now triumphant and will make another womans life hell. Gloves off.