AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

In my opinion you sound rather heartless and selfish. You should try your best to help the poor girl it's an exceptional circumstance. You can sleep later.

No
OP is a strong woman holding her ground over unfair expectations from SD and DP

why dont you slate the OP father for not giving up his job to care for SD kids? Or is childcare only womens work? OP job is important, as is her wellbeing.
SD needs to learn to tie her own shoes and pull her own panties up

Wheres the rest of her family? There's been no answer yet? The father? Her own mother? Grandparents on other side?

^^This

And yes she will lost her job if she can’t find childcare, but I will also lose mine if I can’t deliver and stick to deadlines

Some parents at DCs school will have no doubt made arrangements so SD should ask around. I hope she doesn't lose her job but if she does, then she'll have to go on benefits whilst trying to find part-time/more suitable hours or even WFH job.

Just how it goes sometimes. I split with H when DCs were little. My DM wasn't 60 yet and was still working full-time so I couldn't rely on her, and I wouldn't have anyway. I went part-time topped up by Tax Credits then upped my work hours when DCs were at secondary. If employers hadn't allowed me to go part-time then I'd have gone for another job. There'd have been no other choice.

& Sometimes we have to realise and accept that.

Wheres the rest of her family? There's been no answer yet? The father? Her own mother? Grandparents on other side?

the OP said there is noone else. Some people don't have much support. Not sure why this is so hard to fathom for some. Still not the OP's problem but it seems SD only has her dad and there is noone else. It happens. I have nobody either. not that rare.

@robinwisperer I keep saying the same, but that tired line keeps getting trotted out. Do people think all families stay near their families all their lives and don't relocate for work/new relationships? I've moved several times in my life so to me this is very hard to fathom.

For others, their families of origin are toxic and they're NC.

Since the SD's mum appears not to be around was the OP's DH a single dad possibly?

You can sleep later.

@sleepyhead1980 but hypocrital no? Calling yourself sleepyhead so you probably get plenty of sleep but OP should look after DSC all day and then work all night

@PerveenMistry

"God forbid you ever find yourself in a situation where you need someone to help you OP. "

That's for sure, because we know selfish, ungrateful stepdaughter and OP's spouse would just shift the responsibility as they are doing now.

So tired of the "struggling single mom" expecting everyone else to pick up the slack for their poor life choices.

I was a 'struggling single mum' I never expected anyone to help me. Not all single mothers are single by choice you know ???

Some people don't have much support. Not sure why this is so hard to fathom for some.

Some people don't have much support because they are CFs and have used up everyone's kindness and goodwill years ago. The SD recent attitude doesn't just come out of nowhere. I've known the kind of people that abuse others in this way. They all the the same attitude of superiority, disrespect for others and believe their needs override everyone else's.

The posters that see nothing wrong in the SD and not so DH are either reading a different thread, illiterate or have exactly the same attitude as the SD themselves.

Some people also don't have much support through no fault of their own.

I'm not tarring all others with the same brush. I'm a single mother and struggle arranging childcare myself. I can't always manage and need to turn down work. That's how it is and I accept that. I don't try to force others to help even if they could.

Step daughter is rude and entitled - you however are a nasty woman

seriously?

If the OPs daughter needed childcare and OPs husband didn't put his job on the line to provide it would he be a nasty man?

I have been over to my house to check things are okay, and found out that he is on nights now (as I said before he’s an NHS worker). Will he have the kids in the day? No of course not because he “needs to sleep.” That’s why he asked if I could take holiday.

No I can’t because my company has hardly any staff working at the moment. I wouldn’t even if I could, after the way I’ve been treated.

This is a second marriage for both of us, I did not bring my step daughter up. We’ve only married five years.

When is he moving out?

He's such a cheeky fucker. I'm sorry it has cost you your marriage that you stood up for yourself. But good for you for doing so.

To all of those saying that the OP is nasty, wrong, bad, etc.: what happened to simple conflict of interests which doesn't mean one person has to be in the wrong? Just as with job interviews, sometimes only one person can get "the" job, but that doesn't mean the rejected candidates were useless and loathsome. (Worth noting that, over the years, I've got at least two jobs, including my current one, from being "on file" after an unsuccessful job application or interview.)

In the same way, it's possible for two women to be in conflict, over who loses her job to provide (undisputedly necessary) childcare, without either of the two women being unequivocally wrong to not want it to be her.

Good for you OP. Those PPs suggesting you try and talk things through as if this is all a one-off situation are missing the point that behaviour like this never exists in a vacuum. Nobody who is a decent person to have in your life overall would ever behave like your DH has.

@TrashCanBird

I am moving back in at the weekend when I am caught up with my work. I haven’t told him. He will come in from work to find I have fucked him off into the spare room.

Good for you OP! I hope I would have this strength and clarity to stand up for myself in a similar situation

Well done OP. Glad you have got things sorted.

The cheek of "D" H asking you to take your holidays. As if you want to take your holiday from work to spend babysitting his grandkids!

The spare room isn't far enough away imo op..

Good for you OP.

This is YOUR home.

He needs to make other arrangements.

His continued insistence that you help his daughter whilst he does absolutely nothing implies that this has gone on for years.

What a horrible excuse of a man.
He sounds like such a selfish bully.

Harassing YOU to jeopardise YOUR career, while he does absolutely NOTHING to help.

What a waster.

You are well out.

This is not a relationship that you can depend on.

Keep posting.

I'm struggling to understand how anyone would think it appropriate to volunteer their partner for childminding without consultation and when the partner works full time. It beggars belief and good on you for standing up for yourself.

@Greenfingeredsue

I have been over to my house to check things are okay, and found out that he is on nights now (as I said before he’s an NHS worker). Will he have the kids in the day? No of course not because he “needs to sleep.” That’s why he asked if I could take holiday.

No I can’t because my company has hardly any staff working at the moment. I wouldn’t even if I could, after the way I’ve been treated.

This is a second marriage for both of us, I did not bring my step daughter up. We’ve only married five years.

Well surely if they're that easy to look after, that you could do your job while having them, then he should be able to sleep while having them.

Oh wait ... it's not that easy all of a sudden.

Wanker.

Glad you're reclaiming your own home and have told him to go.

I'd also make it clear you'll be on the phone to social services if he allows the children to be dropped off while you're there working; you're not having them.

Good for you op.

I do know that SD is off work for the time being - without any pay. Her father will have to help her out with money - he was moaning about it.

Ensure it is HIS money he uses, not anything joint. And that he pays his usual contributions to the joint expenses, so the support for his DD comes out of HIS personal money.

You should be proud of yourself OP! It's good to hear for once of a woman who's prepared to stand up for what SHE wants instead of always giving into the wants and needs of others. You're an example to us all. Well done and good luck for the future!