Page 32 | AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

Greenfingeredsue · 2020-12-31T12:56:16+00:00

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/01/2021 13:30

Your SD will have to do what millions are having to do - take time off work. I've not heard of people being sacked because they've no childcare. Employers know the schools are closed. It's tough times all round.

Being exhausted is a good enough reason to say No. You don't have to justify yourself or explain in detail why you're exhausted anyway.

You work from home. Can she do that, somehow? I wonder why you working and having your job to do doesn't seem to matter to your H and SD.

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 04/01/2021 14:19

No she can’t work from home, and her employers won’t furlough - they don’t have to. As she keeps saying she can be sacked, and there’s nothing she can do because she has been in her job less than two years. Her employers won’t pay if she doesn’t work.

It’s up to her father to bail her out, and if he won’t she’ll just have to go on UC like everyone else.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/01/2021 14:58

Hope that you are managing to get your work done, Op.

It's a shame she has no friends/neighbours who would help out in such times.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 04/01/2021 15:14

A friend has the same issue with her partner's father. Despite all of her partners siblings and their long term spouses - she is the only one capable of providing care for him. She looked after her own parents for years and it is just assumed she will quit her newly started career now and look after the father. They tricked her into doing it initially by saying it would be temporary. I'm fairly sure that relationship is just about over now.

billy1966 · 04/01/2021 15:21

@PandemicAtTheDisco

A friend has the same issue with her partner's father. Despite all of her partners siblings and their long term spouses - she is the only one capable of providing care for him. She looked after her own parents for years and it is just assumed she will quit her newly started career now and look after the father. They tricked her into doing it initially by saying it would be temporary. I'm fairly sure that relationship is just about over now.

It's extraordinary the entitlement of some people.

I always remember a poster telling how her late husbands family, who hadn't bothered with her after his death, suddenly came looking for her to provide care for THEIR parent.

They had assumed she had nothing else going on in her life.

Unbelievable.
Thankfully she didn't entertain them.

BlueThistles · 04/01/2021 16:30

@AcrossthePond55

yes.. I see it now.. sorry I hadn't picked up on that.. I only remembered the house

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2021 17:27

No problem @BlueThistles . When threads get long we forget what's been posted.

At any rate, @Greenfingeredsue , now that you've made your position clear to your DH, I hope he stops and gives a good think and realizes that he's expecting more from you than he has a right to expect. But TBH, even though you may win this battle, I don't think you'll have won the war. He'll 'compartmentalize' this as an 'isolated incident' but will still believe that, overall, you need to step up to the mark if/when his DD needs something that he can't or won't provide.

I wonder if he would feel the same if it was your DD needing something and you 'volunteered' him?

This is another one of the reasons I decided as a young woman to never date or marry a man with children. There are just too many "hidden pitfalls". A parent is absolutely right and entitled to put their child's needs first (regardless of the age of the child) but the problem is most parents are blind to the fact that their partner doesn't need to. There are any number of threads on MN where a parent complains that their partner doesn't treat a stepchild as 'their own' OR a step-parent has been made to feel guilty for not falling over themself to 'do' for a stepchild. And the responses are all over the board from 'wicked stepparent' to 'kick the DSC to the kerb'. Can't win for losing.

Weenurse · 04/01/2021 22:34

Sorry, wrong thread

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 05/01/2021 12:49

@Acrossthepond55 you are right. I thought he’d finally seen my point of view until last night, when he asked if I can take any holiday soon. My response was to tell his daughter to use her own holiday allowance, if she has any.

I then told him we are done, and that I am staying with mum until lockdown is over. I’ve asked him to move out asap although I will give him until lockdown is over.

He’s got a four bedroomed property which he rents out, so once he’s got rid of his tenants he can live there with his daughter and her children.

Problem solved.

OP posts:

TrashCanBird · 05/01/2021 13:00

Did he understand your reasoning op?

And why can't she take leave?

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2021 13:14

Well done OP! I very much admire you for standing up for yourself!

FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 13:28

Well done @Greenfingeredsue for sticking up for yourself. What a shame is isn't the man you thought he was.

Eddielzzard · 05/01/2021 13:30

Was he asking about your leave specifically to provide child care for his DD? Or in a general way with a backhanded view to telling DSD that you might be available?

Has he responded to the question of how he would feel if you volunteered his time to look after your DD's kids?

Minky37 · 05/01/2021 13:34

Jeez I admire how you have stuck to your guns but are you willing to split over this? Can this not be sorted with a frank conversation saying don’t ask me again about this matter?
Why can’t he understand that it’s not your responsibility to provide SD with childcare?

PerveenMistry · 05/01/2021 13:40

Good for you, OP.

Incredible that he asked you about holiday. He still doesn't get it!

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 05/01/2021 14:03

@Minky37 if we stay together this will never stop until the kids are old enough to be home alone. And I can’t stand his daughter’s view that her need to stay in her job, takes priority over my want to stay in a job. I’m sure she thinks my job is disposable because he is an NHS worker and we are a two income household.

It isn’t. I’ve done a lot of work to get where I am, and I’m not throwing it away.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 05/01/2021 14:05

[quote Greenfingeredsue]@Minky37 if we stay together this will never stop until the kids are old enough to be home alone. And I can’t stand his daughter’s view that her need to stay in her job, takes priority over my want to stay in a job. I’m sure she thinks my job is disposable because he is an NHS worker and we are a two income household.

It isn’t. I’ve done a lot of work to get where I am, and I’m not throwing it away.[/quote]
Sadly your husband has made it clear that his daughter is more important than you in his eyes. An odd judgement to me but perhaps logical to him.

TrashCanBird · 05/01/2021 14:05

What kind of job does she have?

Your husband is outrageous to be suggesting you take holiday.

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 05/01/2021 14:10

I won’t go into specifics for the kid’s sake. Someone might recognise me.

OP posts:

Minky37 · 05/01/2021 14:13

@Greenfingeredsue I don’t blame you for digging your heels in now. I think I would be utterly outraged at the suggestion to use annual leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2021 14:17

[quote Greenfingeredsue]@Acrossthepond55 you are right. I thought he’d finally seen my point of view until last night, when he asked if I can take any holiday soon. My response was to tell his daughter to use her own holiday allowance, if she has any.

I then told him we are done, and that I am staying with mum until lockdown is over. I’ve asked him to move out asap although I will give him until lockdown is over.

He’s got a four bedroomed property which he rents out, so once he’s got rid of his tenants he can live there with his daughter and her children.

Problem solved.[/quote]
Sigh. I am not surprised. Even after your stand and your gesture (leaving) to prove you meant business, he still assumed you'd do what he wanted.

I think you're very kind to let him stay, even with the lockdown issue. I'd probably tell him that he can just move in with his DD and sleep on the sofa. As inconsiderate as he's been, making your home so uncomfortable you felt you needed to leave to get peace, I'd be sorely tempted to return the favour!

Have you made that solicitor appointment yet? I'm sure HE probably has if he thinks you mean what you say. Even with lockdown I'm sure there will be tele- and video- appointments.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 05/01/2021 14:21

What has his reaction been to you telling him it’s over? I can’t wrap my head around how he’s totally failed it get something so obvious and continued to push it.

What a prick.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2021 14:21

Sadly your husband has made it clear that his daughter is more important than you in his eyes. An odd judgement to me but perhaps logical to him.

I don't have a problem with any parent putting their child first, so I don't think the DH's desire to do so and help his daughter is odd. Where the line gets drawn is in expecting others to do your 'putting first' for you.

FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 14:29

Where the line gets drawn is in expecting others to do your 'putting first' for you.

@AcrossthePond55 spot on

Does anyone else agree that this thread deserves a place in classics as a template of how we should stand up for ourselves?

Katrinawaves · 05/01/2021 14:32

You are stressed and exhausted and have had a tough few days with your OH and his daughter.

In your shoes I would stay with my mum for a bit longer but wouldn’t necessarily be making long term decisions to divorce right this minute. When Covid is over and life has gone back to normal, you may regret acting in haste. If everything was otherwise good in your relationship, at least take a little time to let tempers cool and the dust settle before you bring the lawyers in.

It’s entirely your right not to do any more childcare but is there really no way of staying in an otherwise good marriage (if it was) whilst refusing to do this any longer?