Page 33 | AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

Greenfingeredsue · 2020-12-31T12:56:16+00:00

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

MyOwnSummer · 05/01/2021 14:35

Good for you @Greenfingeredsue - I totally respect your position. You refuse to be treated like a domestic appliance, and it's noteworthy that your daughter did the same, quite rightly.

Clearly, the apples did not fall too far from the respective trees for either of you!

OhCaptain · 05/01/2021 14:43

[quote Greenfingeredsue]@Acrossthepond55 you are right. I thought he’d finally seen my point of view until last night, when he asked if I can take any holiday soon. My response was to tell his daughter to use her own holiday allowance, if she has any.

I then told him we are done, and that I am staying with mum until lockdown is over. I’ve asked him to move out asap although I will give him until lockdown is over.

He’s got a four bedroomed property which he rents out, so once he’s got rid of his tenants he can live there with his daughter and her children.

Problem solved.[/quote]
@Greenfingeredsue what was his response? He’s sounding very passive here!

FourDecades · 05/01/2021 14:44

[quote Greenfingeredsue]@Acrossthepond55 you are right. I thought he’d finally seen my point of view until last night, when he asked if I can take any holiday soon. My response was to tell his daughter to use her own holiday allowance, if she has any.

I then told him we are done, and that I am staying with mum until lockdown is over. I’ve asked him to move out asap although I will give him until lockdown is over.

He’s got a four bedroomed property which he rents out, so once he’s got rid of his tenants he can live there with his daughter and her children.

Problem solved.[/quote]
How do you know he was asking about your holiday with her in mind?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2021 14:45

@FinallyHere

Where the line gets drawn is in expecting others to do your 'putting first' for you.

@AcrossthePond55 spot on

Does anyone else agree that this thread deserves a place in classics as a template of how we should stand up for ourselves?

It's got my vote.

So many people (mainly women) still have that 'you must be unselfish to be considered nice' attitude. And this attitude is used to their advantage by others (mainly men).

It took me decades to find my 'voice' and a bit longer to be unafraid to use it when something just is not right for me, even if it's right for the other person. I'm not saying that one should never 'sacrifice' self for another person. I'm saying that we all have a right to our 'line in the sand'.

'No' really IS a complete sentence.

RandomUser18282 · 05/01/2021 14:49

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justasking111 · 05/01/2021 14:49

@AcrossthePond55

Sadly your husband has made it clear that his daughter is more important than you in his eyes. An odd judgement to me but perhaps logical to him.

I don't have a problem with any parent putting their child first, so I don't think the DH's desire to do so and help his daughter is odd. Where the line gets drawn is in expecting others to do your 'putting first' for you.

She is not a child, but a full grown woman with her own family, infantilising an adult is unhealthy imo.

BackwardsGoing · 05/01/2021 15:08

I don't have a problem with any parent putting their child first, so I don't think the DH's desire to do so and help his daughter is odd.

But he isn't doing anything to help his daughter. He's pressuring his wife to help his daughter. So he's putting himself first, then his daughter, then his wife.

angieloumc · 05/01/2021 15:12

Good for you OP. It's very hard looking after small children as you get older when you've done your caring. It may be different with your own GC as I've found, though I'm absolutely shattered when I've cared for either of them. I think I would feel differently if either of my adult sons 'expected' me to provide child care.

Jocasta2018 · 05/01/2021 15:20

Fully agree this thread should be in Classics!

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 15:33

How do you know he was asking about your holiday with her in mind?

because it's obvious...

SpiderGwen · 05/01/2021 15:34

@Greenfingeredsue, you are amazing. Well on you for enforcing your boundaries.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/01/2021 15:41

Imo you need to go home asap and reclaim your house. If you are serious about it being over you ought to get him out sooner rather than later, before you get home and find his DD has moved in!

billy1966 · 05/01/2021 15:51

Well done OP.

He has shown just how little his regard is for you.

Good for you for believing him.

He would not be a good partner if YOU got sick, but you can be bloody sure he would expect you to drop everything and care for him.

Get him out asap.

Let him move in with his daughte and provide the care during his down time and holidays that he was offering of you.

What a user.

FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 18:00

Short message to report

Crispsginchoc · 05/01/2021 20:15

Agree this belongs in classics. A great example of a woman not afraid to do what is right for her. The “D” H and SD sound horrific.
Very proud of you @Greenfingeredsue. You’ve done your best, but life is too short to deal with people who minimise your feelings and treat you poorly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2021 20:32

She is not a child, but a full grown woman with her own family, infantilising an adult is unhealthy imo.

I am my mother's child regardless of my age. I am not a child.

sleepyhead1980 · 05/01/2021 20:43

@blue25

Her children, her responsibility. I hate the way some people choose to have kids & then assume others will look after them whenever required. It’s so entitled.

Yeah I don't think most people have kids expecting to be a single parent having to work to make ends meet during a pandemic where her only childcare option is a step mother who doesn't want to help her. No wonder the poor woman cried. That's not emotional blackmail it's a single mother at her wits end. God forbid you ever find yourself in a situation where you need someone to help you OP. In my opinion you sound rather heartless and selfish. You should try your best to help the poor girl it's an exceptional circumstance. You can sleep later.

Mittens030869 · 05/01/2021 20:48

@sleepyhead1980

We can empathise with the SD's circumstances, they do sound tough. That doesn't mean that the OP was unreasonable to say no, she wouldn't do it. She was exhausted and wasn't getting her work done as a result of the interruptions.

Anyway, the thread has moved on now. The OP has decided to call time on her relationship with the SD's dad.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 05/01/2021 21:00

The stepdaughter having a hard time doesn't obligate the stepmother. How about putting that on the father who volunteered her in the first place?

The stepdaughter and father are both cheeky fuckers that have repeatedly stomped over OP’s perfectly reasonable boundaries. She owes them no help whatsoever.

Greeneyedminx · 05/01/2021 22:01

Greenfingeredsue - Well dome on evaluating who is important in your life and who prioritises you!!
You can only give so much of yourself, and it sounds like you’re running on empty at the moment.
You obviously have helped in caring for the children to your detriment, you can only do so much for other people.
Now is the time for her dad to step up and help instead of “volunteering “ you all the time.
Good luck, you deserve it.

PerveenMistry · 06/01/2021 00:52

"God forbid you ever find yourself in a situation where you need someone to help you OP. "

That's for sure, because we know selfish, ungrateful stepdaughter and OP's spouse would just shift the responsibility as they are doing now.

So tired of the "struggling single mom" expecting everyone else to pick up the slack for their poor life choices.

istherelifeafter40 · 06/01/2021 01:10

I really don't understand this thread. There is a pandemic on, with NHS workers doing extra shifts to save you people.

There is no information on the children in questions, the actual volume of childcare or any other actual information, but a lot of vile comments about single parents.

I haven't seen such an unpleasant thread on mumsnet for a long time. I am going to go and take a shower; I feel like I've rolled in dirt.

BlueThistles · 06/01/2021 01:11

Yeah I don't think most people have kids expecting to be a single parent having to work to make ends meet during a pandemic where her only childcare option is a step mother who doesn't want to help her. No wonder the poor woman cried. That's not emotional blackmail it's a single mother at her wits end. God forbid you ever find yourself in a situation where you need someone to help you OP. In my opinion you sound rather heartless and selfish. You should try your best to help the poor girl it's an exceptional circumstance. You can sleep later.

In your opinion.. but in the real world that's just not how it works... the Step Daughter has a Father who is volunteering.. but he won't take time out from that role .. yet you still place the childcare issue firmly at OP... OP has a job/deadlines/ meetings to attend.. her career and income are as essential to OP as everyone else's income... is to them.. why do you believe it is the Step Mothers role.. and not her DH... their Grandfathers role to assist his daughter and grandchildren I wonder ? 🤔

Lalala89 · 06/01/2021 02:12

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DangerMouse17 · 06/01/2021 02:45

No need for this comment @PerveenMistry

So tired of the "struggling single mom" expecting everyone else to pick up the slack for their poor life choices.

As a single mum, I am not struggling nor expecting anyone to "pick up the slack". I work bloody hard. Most of us do. My ds is at home with me home schooling online, while I work FT in a challenging job.