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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU? Help settle an argument

196 replies

Confusedmelon · 31/12/2020 12:26

My DP came to spend 8 days with me over Xmas (we are in a bubble) and came by train. He is upset I wouldn't pick him up and drop him off at the train station and thinks I'm being selfish.

From my POV, the station is 0.6 miles from my house (a 10 minute walk) and it's a massive pain in the arse to have to move my car for such a short drive (4 minutes) that can be so easily walked. He is a fit and able 32 year old man and I personally would walk if I needed to use the train.

Parking is tight and I have to reverse out onto a busy road with limited vision. Getting back into my very tight parking space is stressful (I'm not great at parking) and essentially parking wars on my street as I often come back to a neighbours visitor parked in my space after a short trip out and its a nightmare to find out who's car it is and to find another space. I'd also had a few glasses of wine on the day he left so especially didn't want to drive. I explained this to him but we had abit of a "do" on the phone last night as he still thinks I'm being unreasonable.

To be honest, I find the fact that he is making an issue of this quite unattractive. I spent the whole time he was here cooking, cleaning, bringing him drinks, buying thoughtful gifts etc. He did help out a bit but essentially he was a guest in my home and I treated him as such but because I wouldn't drive him to the station, I didn't treat him well enough according to him.

He is generally a kind, thoughtful person which is why I'm struggling to see his view on this. I know its petty but it's making me feel the ick for him.

Am I a selfish cow and WIBU for not ferrying him back and forth?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 31/12/2020 21:48

OP,

Stop trying to understand him and focus on why as an exhausted NHS worker, you would want to spend 8 days scurrying around skivvying for a guy you know for 9 months!

Unbelievable.

Shelby30 · 31/12/2020 21:54

I'd have driven him both ways but probably coz I'd expect it if it was role reversed. Especially in winter. You could have walked up to meet him from the station though.

Original poster

Confusedmelon · 31/12/2020 22:55

I dumped him.

Fuck it, I'd rather be "cold" and happy rather than babying a grown man. Been there, done that and its not happening in 2021!!!

Happy new year everyone

OP posts:

namechangeforfriday · 31/12/2020 23:59

Well done! Good riddance to bad rubbish in 2021

Side note, who are all these lazy gits expecting a lift for a 10 min walk?!

billy1966 · 01/01/2021 00:06

Well done.

Not a minute too soon.

BackwardsGoing · 01/01/2021 00:10

Right decision. Onwards and upwards 💪

Original poster

Confusedmelon · 01/01/2021 06:41

Thanks everyone. His response was "I guess we should take a break so you don't have to feed me for a while"

Fuck that

OP posts:

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:17

Have yet to RTFT but if someone is coming and spending 8 days, so would have luggage, or at least a bag of some type, yeah, it's harsh and selfish of you. You don't seem to love him very much do you? Because if it were me, I would WANT to meet him at the station, no matter what that mean re parking etc, I couldn't give a stuff, I would WANT to meet him! Also, if you knew he was coming to stay, and to most people, that naturally means picking him up - WHY would you have anything to drink???

Reverse this: a woman is coming to spend a week/week and a half with her loved one, has to catch a train with her luggage, gets off at the station, her man hasn't even bothered to show up to meet her, so she has to walk from the station to his house, carrying her luggage. His 'excuse' is that he had a few drinks (KNOWING she would need to be picked up from the train station), and said, well, she can walk!
We would all be calling the man a selfish arse, right? So why is it different in this case?

Meeting your significant other at the train station (or bust stop or airport) is basic level common courtesy and something that normal people just....do. I feel for your D'P' and suggest he finds a woman who isn't so self-absorbed that she can't even be arsed picking up the man she supposedly loves after he's taken a train with luggage to stay with her. Your behaviour and attitude is really cold and just not normal, and you clearly don't love him, let alone are in love with him. I would have felt truly hurt if I were him. He deserves better.

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:20

Saw the last couple of posts - shocked that you still think your behaviour is acceptable, but am happy he can now find a partner who actually cares about him. I think you will remain alone for a long time perhaps permanently unless you have a good hard long look at yourself, he however sounds like a truly decent guy, and believe me, it's your loss. I am so happy for him now.

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:37

I think if you're both Aspies then both of you perhaps 'don't get' things. It is polite and usual social etiquette to meet someone at the train station. That is is basic common social behaviour. If he was lazy (although I wouldn't automatically start putting plates in a dishwasher unless asked to as some of us load it when we have enough, and don't like dirty plates sitting in the dishwasher - I would be irritated if someone put their plates in the dishwasher when I don't do it like that) and didn't know how to do things or offer to cook or offer to buy takeaway, that's one thing, and that's on him. However it is normal social engagement to collect a guest from the train station. It's just proper behaviour, so that is probably something you 'don't get', maybe no one explained it to you growing up? I probably live less than you to our bus stop and I would still pick up someone who had; a weeks worth of luggage, a laptop (they're blooming heavy all on their own!!), AND a gift/s. Especially after he had travelled for TWO HOURS. It's just basic courtesy.

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:44

Darn, it posted before I was going to add one more thing on, which is I don't know why people change from YABU to YANBU just on the strength of you having had a few drinks. Imo that still makes you Unreasonable because if you know you have to pick someone up (and you would have known when he was leave/and getting in at the station), then, well, you don't drink. Obviously. If you work shifts and know you have to work in the afternoon, when you have a few drinks mid-late morning? No. Of course not. If you know you have to be somewhere, you have the self-discipline not to drink. You chose to drink, knowing your DP was coming to stay for 8 days, and all that entailed. You would have surely been able to wait til he got here, and opened drinks with him. That's how most people do it, you/they buy the drinks and open them when you are together, and you making the choice to drink a few, knowing he was going to be there later, doesn't make you any less unreasonable in my eyes, it makes you even more unreasonable than before because you couldn't wait for him and just had to get a skin full in you.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/01/2021 07:44

@Cokie3 no you haven't read the thread have you?

'He sounds like a truly decent guy'?! He came, he sat, he ate, he made a mess, he complained, he left, he complained a bit more - doesn't sound like a decent guy to me.

Well done OP. This one wasn't a keeper!

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:49

@TheGoodEnoughWife I posted that before I read the OP's convenient drip-feeds. His behaviour wasn't great, but I also sense the OP made him feel like a 'guest', and not her 'partner' and he probably felt like a stranger in her home. He should have asked her if she wanted help though.

It certainly doesn't absolve the OP of her behaviour, and it doesn't make the OP more of a keeper, and him less of one. The OP does not come off well at all, imo she comes off far worse, and I sense she made him feel like a stranger. Clearly communication is an issue for both of them.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/01/2021 07:55

If you couldn't be bothered to at least read the OP posts before piling in on her dont then blame her for drip feeding. You may think picking him up at the station was something she definitely should have done but plenty do not.
He got waited on for 8 days and then complained. This isn't on the OP.

Cokie3 · 01/01/2021 07:59

I had prefaced my first post that I had not RTFT, and it was pretty clear that I was mainly responding to the issue of picking him up.

Again, his behaviour during those 8 days (where he was treated like a stranger or a guest at best, and not a D'P') does not make OP come out better just by comparison. OP's behaviour is on her. Not him.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 01/01/2021 08:01

Did he have a suitcase or bag? It's exhausting lugging them around.
Was it a long train journey? He was likely tired
I'd be disappointed as well op. Why not reimburse him for his train ticket? My ex used to do this. He used to meet me at the station too.
YABU . Your poor dp

3rdNamechange · 01/01/2021 08:17

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars

Did he have a suitcase or bag? It's exhausting lugging them around. Was it a long train journey? He was likely tired I'd be disappointed as well op. Why not reimburse him for his train ticket? My ex used to do this. He used to meet me at the station too. YABU . Your poor dp

It was two hours on the train. He's a grown man. Not loads of bags. Why on earth would OP pay for his train ticket

? She's fed and watered him for 8 days !

3rdNamechange · 01/01/2021 08:19

No wonder we read about so many 'man children ' on here 🙄

Bookworming · 01/01/2021 08:44

Bloody hell it was 10 minute walk on a pavement, not a three mile trek across mountains!

Not a keeper? Ridiculous!

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/01/2021 08:48

YABU and should have held of drinking to meet him.

Original poster

Confusedmelon · 01/01/2021 08:54

@Cokie3, explain to me how I drip fed. I made it clear in my first post that him complaining about me not taking him to the station when I'd hosted him for 8 days was an issue. The other things I've said were in response to questions by PP's that I didn't feel were relevant at the time of first posting.

If you read TFT, I repeatedly said he had a laptop bag and a carrier bag of clothes. I bought him clothes for Xmas and he bought me makeup so nothing heavy or bulky. He didn't bring any food/drink and I paid for a takeaway on one of the days. In fact, he has only ever paid for one takeaway during our whole relationship and we've had several. I have mentioned to him before about the dishwasher and that I would like him to scrape his plate and put in the dishwasher because leaving it on the side encourages my teens to do the same. I actually said to him during the latest stay that if we ever lived together, he would need to help out around the house alot more than he had the past week and he laughed it off. Yes I did ask him to do certain tasks and he would do them, but I don't want to be with someone who I have to ask to do every little thing. He's an adult.

I really don't get why him walking 10 mins carrying a few bags is so horrendous. I've walked further carrying far more than that for work many a time. Also, he's a young, healthy, strong, fit guy. I've seen him do back flips on the football pitch FFS.

I understand that not meeting him at the station was abit mean and unromantic. His response was entitled and that has put me off. The silent treatment afterwards also put me off and his response to me raising how these issues made me feel has been the final nail.

I have tolerated abusive relationships in the past and I made a promise to myself to always chose my own happiness over that of any man.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedmelon · 01/01/2021 09:01

Also, I wasn't drinking on the day he came. I'd actually been working all of that day and was tired. He works from home and hadn't worked that day.

I had some wine on the day he left. He didn't specify what time he was leaving that day as his trains are very hour so it was basically when he felt like leaving. I waited most of the day and he didn't specifically ask me for a lift, it was assumed I would do that and he got upset when I said no.

OP posts:

lilylongjohn · 01/01/2021 09:03

It's not just the walk though is it, it's the booking of train ticket, the time getting to and from the station his end and the actual travelling time. I think YABU OP

Bookworming · 01/01/2021 09:05

@PurpleFlower1983 except she didn't drink before meeting him, she (shock horror) had a drink the day he was leaving!

She was his partner, not his chauffeur! She's not the hired help she doesn't have to be at his beck and call!

BackwardsGoing · 01/01/2021 09:06

@lilylongjohn

It's not just the walk though is it, it's the booking of train ticket, the time getting to and from the station his end and the actual travelling time. I think YABU OP

It's a 10 minute walk and train tickets can be bought on an app from the comfort of your sofa.

Either way he wasn't marching into the Battle of Somme. He was catching a fucking train.

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