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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU? Help settle an argument

196 replies

Confusedmelon · 31/12/2020 12:26

My DP came to spend 8 days with me over Xmas (we are in a bubble) and came by train. He is upset I wouldn't pick him up and drop him off at the train station and thinks I'm being selfish.

From my POV, the station is 0.6 miles from my house (a 10 minute walk) and it's a massive pain in the arse to have to move my car for such a short drive (4 minutes) that can be so easily walked. He is a fit and able 32 year old man and I personally would walk if I needed to use the train.

Parking is tight and I have to reverse out onto a busy road with limited vision. Getting back into my very tight parking space is stressful (I'm not great at parking) and essentially parking wars on my street as I often come back to a neighbours visitor parked in my space after a short trip out and its a nightmare to find out who's car it is and to find another space. I'd also had a few glasses of wine on the day he left so especially didn't want to drive. I explained this to him but we had abit of a "do" on the phone last night as he still thinks I'm being unreasonable.

To be honest, I find the fact that he is making an issue of this quite unattractive. I spent the whole time he was here cooking, cleaning, bringing him drinks, buying thoughtful gifts etc. He did help out a bit but essentially he was a guest in my home and I treated him as such but because I wouldn't drive him to the station, I didn't treat him well enough according to him.

He is generally a kind, thoughtful person which is why I'm struggling to see his view on this. I know its petty but it's making me feel the ick for him.

Am I a selfish cow and WIBU for not ferrying him back and forth?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/12/2020 15:38

[quote Confusedmelon]@billy1966, he isn't generally a mean and selfish person. We are both Aspies and I don't think he "gets it" or even considered that he was being a pain.

I treated him like I would any other guest (I e cooking etc.) however I didn't expect him to do so little considering it was for 8 days. I'm NHS and knackered so wanted to enjoy my leave too.

I don't get why I need to walk a grown adult anywhere but can see it would be considered romantic to do so. The expectation to do so is what I find unattractive.[/quote]
Respectfully OP, he is mean and selfish.

8 days is a LONG time to stay with someone without lifting a finger or contributing in any way to the cost.

He sounds extremely petulant after such hospitality and generosity to be upset that he wasn't collected and dropped.

You had consumed alcohol so obviously driving is a complete nono.

Him expecting to be dropped off even though it is obviously inconvenient re the parking etc. is consistent IMO with a very selfish person, again, after all your hospitality.

I think you need to have a think, unless of course you are looking for another teenager in your life.

The fact that you are NHS and exhausted, yet he thought it acceptable that you do everything for 8 days points to him being extremely self absorbed.

No wonder you have the ICK.

Raise your bar for 2021.Flowers

PamelaMcRise · 31/12/2020 15:42

none of my family has spoken to me after i left them to get married to someone in scotland, so i don't really understand this argument. i am thinking about going back to gloucestershire as i am no longer with my husband, although i am unsure on how i should tell my kids

namechangeforfriday · 31/12/2020 15:46

YADNBU. It wouldn’t occur to me to meet or drop off anyone at the station unless they were lost and needed me to come and get them. I give guests my address and trust they can find their way to me. I wouldn’t expect it either from a partner or friend, I’m an adult capable of getting about. Coupled with his laziness while staying with you he sounds like a lazy child. I’d reconsider the relationship.

TeaAndBrie · 31/12/2020 15:46

The distance is irrelevant, he’s made the effort to get the train to see you and you can’t even be bothered to pick him up!
If you’re driving skills aren’t great and you don’t want to move the car then you should’ve walked to the station and met Him from the train and then walked home together.

Theunamedcat · 31/12/2020 16:17

@TeaAndBrie

The distance is irrelevant, he’s made the effort to get the train to see you and you can’t even be bothered to pick him up! If you’re driving skills aren’t great and you don’t want to move the car then you should’ve walked to the station and met Him from the train and then walked home together.
Its very relevant why should she do this for a bloody adult ffs
Pancakeorcrepe · 31/12/2020 16:22

I would always meet a visitor at the train station and drop them off; you could have walked together or you could have refrained from drinking and take the car. Why wouldn’t you want to do this for a partner and spend a bit more time with them, set up the visit to a good start and then wave them off for a nice ending to the visit? I would always do this for friends, family, partners etc it is just a nice way to make them feel welcomed and appreciated. Especially if the visitor is on their own. If he is selfish towards you that’s another story, if that is the case you shouldn’t stoop to his level and just leave the relationship.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2020 16:23

@TeaAndBrie

The distance is irrelevant, he’s made the effort to get the train to see you and you can’t even be bothered to pick him up! If you’re driving skills aren’t great and you don’t want to move the car then you should’ve walked to the station and met Him from the train and then walked home together.
'The effort to come and see her'?! How much effort was it to sit on his arse and be waited on for 8 days?! Or should she just be grateful he graced her with his presence?!
PuppyMonkey · 31/12/2020 16:28

I mean, 9 months into a relationship, you’re usually at the stage where you want to be in each other’s company as long as possible and you can’t wait to see each other so you d rush to the station to meet him and wave him off tearfully as he leaned out the train window and you ran out of platform.Grin

Also. Bland beef?

I’m not sure he’s quite right for you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/12/2020 16:32

Well you were right not to drink and drive
He didn’t have heavy luggage and it was a short walk. So that’s the pick up
After sitting around being waited on hand and foot, not contributing any food or drink or assistance and making you feel bad for 8 days about a lift you could not have legally given he didn’t deserve a lift to the station on the way home either

rubydoobydoo · 31/12/2020 16:39

YANBU not to drive such a short distance (especially with the parking situation!) but I would have walked to meet him and walked back to see him off.

When I first met DH we lived in different cities, and it was a train journey with a bus journey at both ends. We both used to get the bus to meet the other at the station then share the bus journey back to help with carrying stuff, and get the bus together to see each other off at the station too. It was nice as sometimes we would go for a drink on the way too (back in the days when you could still do that!)

emilyfrost · 31/12/2020 16:45

I don't care if someone waves me off on a train and feels abit OTT but that's just me I guess.

It’s irrelevant that you don’t care, he does care and it’s important to him so if you want to relationship to work you should take note of that.

I don't get why I need to walk a grown adult anywhere

Again, it’s not about need.

HikeForward · 31/12/2020 16:57

He had the inconvenience and expense of a long train journey, then you made him walk to yours and back with his luggage. Presumably in an unfamiliar area.

You could have at least walked with him!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2020 17:05

@HikeForward

He had the inconvenience and expense of a long train journey, then you made him walk to yours and back with his luggage. Presumably in an unfamiliar area.

You could have at least walked with him!

The OP has said he didn't have much luggage and where does it say it was a long train journey?

Am sure having a guest for eight days was pretty inconvenient too! Especially one that doesn't muck in and criticises the food.

autumntimebrowns · 31/12/2020 17:05

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's a ten minute walk times two. He brought very little to the party and you looked after him for 8 days. How dare he take advantage like this. And he criticised your cooking and couldn't even empty the bin. Bin. There's an idea. Bin him!

ILoveShula · 31/12/2020 17:06

OP doesn't say how long his train journey was @HikeForward, it could have been a fairly short journey timewise.

picklemewalnuts · 31/12/2020 17:08

Just speak plainly back.
"I'm sorry you were disappointed that I didn't drive you. It didn't occur to me, as I'd have spent longer manoeuvring in and out than you'd have spent walking. I'll walk with you next time, if you like. I was disappointed that you didn't help at all while you were here, or clear up after yourself. I needed a rest after you'd gone!"

RedskyAtnight · 31/12/2020 17:19

What happens when you go to his OP? Does he meet you from the station? Does he do all the cooking etc? If he does, then I think reasonable to expect the same in reverse. I'm also with the posters who think it's normal to meet a visitor at the station - walking with them if you'd had a drink.

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 17:28

@PamelaMcRise

none of my family has spoken to me after i left them to get married to someone in scotland, so i don't really understand this argument. i am thinking about going back to gloucestershire as i am no longer with my husband, although i am unsure on how i should tell my kids
I think you may have posted on the wrong thread.
ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 17:29

I can see both sides. On one hand, it’s only half a mile - I’m a right lazy cow and even I would walk half a mile. On the other hand, I would have liked being met at the station/walked to the station.

Original poster
Confusedmelon · 31/12/2020 17:32

Its a 2 hour journey by train with one change (slightly shorter on direct train). Admittedly he does come to me more often than I drive to his so he knows the area (and its very hard to get lost on the walk as its straight down hill).

@picklemewalnuts, I really like your suggestion of what to say.

He didn't text or call me for a couple of days after he got home (and said after that he needed space). Does this count as sulking?

Its hard to know what to think as this thread is so devided. Even if it was abit mean of me, I just can't be bothered to date someone who gets hung up on little things like this. It feels childish and petty to get so upset over it and not say anything at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmelon · 31/12/2020 17:34

Oh and when I go to his, I drive there so no need to meet me. He has cooked for me once when at his and did buy some coffee in for me when I stayed there.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2020 17:36

He is testing you. He has treated you badly by not helping out or bringing/contributing to food and drink. He has then complained. He has ignored you for a couple of days when really he should be thanking you for your hospitality.

He is seeing what you will put up with. How much he can get you to do (not only host but also taxi him). The balance is all wrong and I agree with you that what you do won't be enough for him and I wouldn't want to be bending over backwards to appease him. I would bin him off.

MumW · 31/12/2020 17:51

I think he's shown you who he is so you should listen. If he isn't helpful and attentive when you are still really in the first throws of a relationship and it's your first Xmas together, then I don't think it bodes well for the future.
Sorry, but new year, new man! Grin

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2020 21:39

If I’d been drinking, no, I wouldn’t have got behind the wheel. Otherwise, learn how to ruddy park! You were a bit mean. I’d expect a lift.

Twiddlet · 31/12/2020 21:47

I don’t think you are being remotely unreasonable! It’s a ten minute walk and you’d been drinking! Also his behaviour with the plates etc is really rude and I’d not be impressed by him.