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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dd18 she can’t see friends tonight?

178 replies

Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:10

Dd is 18 (year 13) and is telling me she’s planning to go to a friend’s garden tonight with 5 other people. We’re in Tier 4 (London- very high rates in the local area) and I’m not happy about this plan at all. Firstly, I think it’s morally wrong and that we should all be complying to try and reduce the rates and secondly I don’t want to risk mine and DH’s health so she can go and get drunk in a friend’s garden. Am I right to tell her that if she chooses to go tonight the doors are bolted for 10 days?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/12/2020 11:12

I agree with you completely.

Lifeispassingby · 31/12/2020 11:12

Your house your rules. If you wouldn’t do it then she shouldn’t either. The rules are there for a reason, she is not meant to be mixing in a private place even with 1 person never mind this

InsertRudeWord · 31/12/2020 11:15

17% currently saying YABU. Don't know how we will beat this virus. Hmm

turnitonagain · 31/12/2020 11:15

Of course YANBU. I’d be at a party myself if not for this pesky pandemic Hmm She can drink with you at home this year.

ajandjjmum · 31/12/2020 11:16

@InsertRudeWord

17% currently saying YABU. Don't know how we will beat this virus. Hmm
So true - that's nearly 20% of people clearly not taking the rules seriously.

We all know it's unfair, and a pain, and we don't want to comply - but this is the time to suck it up, and try and get out of this mess!

Original poster
Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:17

turnitonagain Yes I’m happy to act as drinking partner. I’ll even shot those neon coloured sourz drinks if it’s necessary

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 31/12/2020 11:18

YANBU at all. I just wish the younger ones would realise the repercussions of their actions. If she wants to live at home she needs to live by house rules. Does she want to possibly pass on anything to her family?

Pugdogmom · 31/12/2020 11:19

When my adult DD tried that once ( during previous Lockdown), I told her she could do as she wished, but unfortunately she would be unable to return home due to risk to her Dad with health issues. She's older than 18, but not much.
With adulthood comes difficult choices.

Original poster
Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:24

pugdogmom did she stay at home?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 31/12/2020 11:24

I would, or insist that self-isolates in her room for 10-14 days afterwards.

Among young people of my acquaintance, there has been a conspicuous lack of compliance with the restrictions and they don't seem to give a shit. (Of course, it may just be that many of my friends have brought up spectacularly irresponsible children lol).

My DSS has been going out and visiting friends, and really put his 82YO DGM on the spot when he dropped off her Christmas presents and made it clear that he and his 5YO daughter were expecting to come in and spend some time with her. (She let them in, but not sit down, and stayed at opposite ends of the room, with windows wide open, and disinfected every surface bar the carpets and sofas afterwards).

There crowds of teens have been congregating outside our local shop with no distancing or masks in sight, and the few people I have seen in shops without masks all looked to be approx 20, max.

It's no wonder infections continue to rise when so many people won't exercise restraint.

oiwotaluvlyday · 31/12/2020 11:26

YANBU. It is rubbish for her but it's also rubbish for everyone. Also at 18 living at home she should be asking not telling you.

LakieLady · 31/12/2020 11:26

@InsertRudeWord

17% currently saying YABU. Don't know how we will beat this virus. Hmm
Yep, 17% of those voting don't give a shit about other people's health, the economy, jobs, etc.

Shocking, isn't it?

purpleboy · 31/12/2020 11:27

We were in exactly the same situation dd meeting with 4 friends and camping in individual tents in his garden.
They are sensible kids, don't drink and there is an outdoor toilet, so initially I was inclined to let her go, but we went into tier 4 today and so we told her we didn't feel it was appropriate, I also initially didn't mind as they were all back in school Monday so figured it is more risk there, but now they have been pushed back to the following week, that doesn't now apply.

She really wanted to go, but when I asked her what made her so special she could break the rules whilst the majority of the county were staying away from family never mind friends, I think that hit home for her.

Jamiefraserskilt · 31/12/2020 11:28

Go to a friend's garden, use their loo, get drunk, forget about distancing. Yeah, great idea.
Tier four means no private gardens, one person in open space like a park.
It's not hard to understand.
This is the reason we are all in tier four, because people think it is just them, they don't count, no one will be any the wiser, the others are "safe", the rules don't apply, they have had a terrible time and deserve a night out, they are outside....
Nope. This would be my discussion...
Go and arrange to self isolate at one of your friends houses for ten days, sleep in a tent in the garden and pee/poo in a bucket or stay in your room and clean/wipe EVERYTHING you touch for ten days. Your choice.
Let me tell you, my bedroom loving teen had to self isolate for 6 days after coming down with something and awaiting a test result. After day three he was climbing the walls. The only positive thing was the delivery of food and drink to his door. He was so ready for release when it came back negative!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 31/12/2020 11:29

That's fine but then she can get a hotel following this. Your house your rules.

IEat · 31/12/2020 11:31

Imagine what you would have done faced with this situation on your birthday
Tell her you don’t think she should go and leave it up to her
Pick your battles ias hard as it is

yankeedoodledandee · 31/12/2020 11:31

Also at 18 living at home she should be asking not telling you.

Asking permission to go out? At 18?

I mean she should be discussing the situation with OP and respect that she cannot take a risk like that then return to the family home, but ask? No. She is able to make her own decisions within the boundaries of what's acceptable in the household.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/12/2020 11:31

@oiwotaluvlyday

YANBU. It is rubbish for her but it's also rubbish for everyone. Also at 18 living at home she should be asking not telling you.
at 18 she should be old enough to listen and comprehend news broadcasts - and understand that meeting up with her friends for a party is not acceptable. why does she even need to ask?
SpikySara · 31/12/2020 11:33

Find out where the party is and report to police. Disgusting behaviour 😡

Champagneforeveryone · 31/12/2020 11:34

It's not just youngsters though, there was a thread on here a couple of days ago asking who had broken the rules. Over 70% of posters voted admitting they had broken the rules in some way, which I was genuinely shocked about. They all seemed to have some justification for their actions and little comprehension that they had put peoples lives at risk Hmm

YADNBU OP, though yours is not a situation I envy in the slightest!

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 31/12/2020 11:36

@IEat who’s birthday is it?
DS was 18 during lockdown... we made the best of it as a family.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 31/12/2020 11:37

@Cauliflowercruton

turnitonagain Yes I’m happy to act as drinking partner. I’ll even shot those neon coloured sourz drinks if it’s necessary
YABU! But only on the Sourz shots, get some good quality tequila for shots.
Fueledwithfairydustandgin · 31/12/2020 11:38

My cousin broke the rules and saw friends for her birthday. She then came back and saw family (not me) One of her friends then tested positive. She infected 9 people and feels absolutely dreadful. If one of those people had been hospitalised the guilt would have been even worse. It’s just not worth it.

Original poster
Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:38

purpleboy I like that thank you dd would be very embarrassed if asked that same question which I’ll do as soon as she’s back from walking the dog

OP posts:
FarTooSkinny · 31/12/2020 11:38

My DD asked the same - could she go to a friend's house and sit in the garden. I said no - she was a bit grumpy but does understand

It is really crap for young adults that age. They should be going out and having fun, not stuck at home with fusty parents. Hopefully come the spring things will loosen up.

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