To tell dd18 she can’t see friends tonight?

[Cauliflowercruton]

Dd is 18 (year 13) and is telling me she’s planning to go to a friend’s garden tonight with 5 other people. We’re in Tier 4 (London- very high rates in the local area) and I’m not happy about this plan at all. Firstly, I think it’s morally wrong and that we should all be complying to try and reduce the rates and secondly I don’t want to risk mine and DH’s health so she can go and get drunk in a friend’s garden. Am I right to tell her that if she chooses to go tonight the doors are bolted for 10 days?

JonasKahnwald not entirely sure what I meant. Don’t know whether I’d tell her she needed to find somewhere else to stay but at the very least it would be bedroom for 10 days

good update, OP, and glad I can now not assume that your daughter is a selfish entitled brat.

anyone can get it. Anyone can carry it. Anyone can get really really ill and die. Most (fortunately) do not - but it is immensely selfish to take extra risks just because of a date on the calendar. NHS resources are extremely limited and it is not for her to take someone else's space because she fancies a swill.

but she doesn't. Well done.

the rest of you who do have entitled selfish brats - bolt the door and let them freeze outside for 10 days. Help the species.

@Guineapig99

‘ Teachers are pulling their hair out because kids from the same bubble are meeting outside of school? That's a crazy overreaction.’

You know that’s a figure of speech right?? It means they’re beyond frustrated, not that they’re literally tearing their hair out. And I think they s the right to be.

I'm not talking specifically about the words but more the sentiment behind it. Kids are in school together all day, yet teachers are "pulling their hair out" because they want to meet up outside of school? Why?

Tell her she's an adult and can make her own decisions but give her your arguments for why she shouldn't go.

Err ..it’s illegal should be sufficient!

Curiously I had this conversation with my daughter last night, she’s 23. I said I thought everyone would be complying tonight snd she said, “it’s the 17/18 year olds, they will be meeting in gardens or abandoned buildings and hanging out, and there is a whole underground rave culture as well”

So sadly I think she’s not alone, at least she thought better of it. But many young adults, and some much older, will not comply. In this regard for the first time in this pandemic I hope they get caught and fined the 10k each.

As you are in tier 4 it is an illegal gathering. She will be breaking the law and risks a very large fine.

@CallmeAngelGabriel

"Teachers are pulling their hair out because kids from the same bubble are meeting outside of school? That's a crazy overreaction."

Please don't DARE to tell any teacher what an over-reaction is. Set foot in a school for 5 minutes and you'll see what we're up against.

I don't doubt the struggles teachers are facing, there are enough threads here to see that. I don't understand the mindset of kids being allowed to sit in the same room for 8 hours = acceptable but meeting up outside is equivalent to pulling your hair out.

@InsertRudeWord

17% currently saying YABU. Don't know how we will beat this virus.

In behavioural psychology they have done studies - 20% of any population (now this is only in Western Democracies granted) never obey "rules" and think rules are for other people.

That is why in Europe and the US (I am in Ireland) we are having such a hard time overcoming this virus (as well as the 'oh we cannot ask people coming in to the country to self isolate, that would be rude and we cannot ban international's travel because well, yes there is a pandemic, but like, holidays and imports and freedom of movement etc etc etc ) so the toxic combination of lily-livered politicians with no clue as to how to manage this and no stomach for doing what is needed; and 20% of the general public who have no social responsibility have led us to where we are.

@SlowlyLosingSubPlot

I just went to the supermarket and turned back. The queue was too long. People were loading up party food and I saw one woman with 5 baguettes and about 5 packets of baps. Making loads of sandwiches perhaps? I'd like to think that was for the care home she works at, but I'm not sure. Loads of people stocking up for what looks like a good night.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are following the rules.

See posts like this annoy me. You have no idea what they are planning with the food. You’re judging someone’s shopping when you have no idea who it’s for.

I’ve just sent dh to Tesco because we’re having a party with all our relatives over zoom, in our own homes. I’m doing loads of party food for us (4 dc who eat a lot), cocktails/mocktails, snacks,. I told him to get enough for 2/3 days so we don’t have to go out again. I’m sure it looks like loads of food but there are 6 of us, eating 3 meals a day, for 3 days. That’s a fair amount of food.

"I'm not talking specifically about the words but more the sentiment behind it. Kids are in school together all day, yet teachers are "pulling their hair out" because they want to meet up outside of school? Why?"

The very fact that you need to ask that question is the reason why this we are completely fucked with regard to Covid spread in this country.

Whilst I have to accept going to work in order to keep the nation's children educated and provide childcare, despite the huge risk to not only my own and my family's health but also the wider community, I absolutely do NOT see why I should do it when people think it's OK to piss all over that by breaking the rules left, right and centre "because schools are open so why not?"

I now feel like the grinch that stole New Year. DD2 is distraught and not speaking to me.

teen ds understands the reasons behind the restrictions and the risks involved as we have discussed the changing situation since March. He is aware of the concerns, risks, impact on the spread around mixing over Christmas and NY.

He is aware the restrictions were relaxed for those who were isolated and needed support on Christmas day and how worryingly increasing numbers meant the 5 day easing was reduced to 1 day only and for good reasons. He is aware the numbers are still increasing and we are being asked to spend NY at home and the strain on the NHS and what that means for covid and non covid patients who need treatment.

Not being able to go out tonight should not be a surprise for any teen, they are old enough to understand. If they don't understand you need to ask yourself why and have that conversation with them.

ofwarren you should be proud of your ds being so sensible and responsible.
Everyone is sacrificing this year in some way. Op your dd needs to know how selfish she is and the consequences.

@purpleboy - I guess because of the huge amount of effort it’s taking to keep schools open and education going. Especially for the most vulnerable kids. Limiting social interaction in other walks of life is pretty fundamental to this. The more people meet, the more a virus has chance to spread. So, yeah, I get why causal meet-ups outside of school would be vexing.

I genuinely don’t get why this is hard to understand.

I'm glad she's thought about it and agreed to stay home. Now that's sorted, maybe you can make it fun? Get some ingredients to make cocktails or get a nice bottle of bubbly, perhaps plan a takeaway, and make a thing of it at home.

Yabu to tell an adult what to do.
Yanbu to tell her she'll have to stay elsewhere for 10 days.

@Orchidflower1
If you come back to the thread, you will see I was correct in my assumption re threatening bolt the door. How are posters to know is op is genuinely serious or letting off steam. She doesn’t really know herself.

YANBU
I have two siblings of that age, it sucks but they understand this is not the year to go to parties and spread Covid. They can drink at home, one will FaceTime me tonight and we'll have fun through a screen yet again. It's been tiring for young people who can't go and socialise like they used to but come on, they're adults and should be able to understand why we can't have house parties tonight.

I’m pleased to see your dd has seen sense.

A bit bemused at folks thinking that DC meeting friends outside of school must meen they are part of the school bubble? School bubbles are not friendship groups? My DD has no interest in seeing people from school, she wants to head out with her mates and go to all night raves.

So I can understand teachers getting frustrated when they hear DC are off out about town, or going to illegal catch ups and simply ignoring the rules and placing others at risk.

walkingonstarshine yes we’ve agreed on Bridget Jones 1,2 and 3 and to dust off the cocktail shaker Definitely not the hedonistic night I’d have planned in my youth but glad she’s not being grumpy about it

@CallmeAngelGabriel

"I'm not talking specifically about the words but more the sentiment behind it. Kids are in school together all day, yet teachers are "pulling their hair out" because they want to meet up outside of school? Why?"

The very fact that you need to ask that question is the reason why this we are completely fucked with regard to Covid spread in this country.

Whilst I have to accept going to work in order to keep the nation's children educated and provide childcare, despite the huge risk to not only my own and my family's health but also the wider community, I absolutely do NOT see why I should do it when people think it's OK to piss all over that by breaking the rules left, right and centre "because schools are open so why not?"

But you haven't explained why not, what is the difference? Do you think they are more likely to pass it on sitting outside compared to in the classroom? FWIW we haven't broken any rules, kids haven't been socialising with friends, we haven't even been to the shops, so funnily enough it's not "people like me" but I absolutely understand why people are breaking "rules" that totally contradict themselves and don't make sense.

@MintyMabel

I now feel like the grinch that stole New Year. DD2 is distraught and not speaking to me.

Can you still give her an option? She can have 2 friends over but they must stick to the rules and if they don’t they’re going home?

WTF? op stated in tier 4 - "Stick to the rules" in what sense?

From gov.uk website If you live in Tier 4 you must not leave or be outside of your home or garden except where you have a ‘reasonable excuse’.

having friends over is outside the rules, so OP would be breaking them by inviting people to her home, and the guests would be breaking them by leaving their home - having a party is not a "reasonable excuse"

[quote IggysPop]@purpleboy - I guess because of the huge amount of effort it’s taking to keep schools open and education going. Especially for the most vulnerable kids. Limiting social interaction in other walks of life is pretty fundamental to this. The more people meet, the more a virus has chance to spread. So, yeah, I get why causal meet-ups outside of school would be vexing.

I genuinely don’t get why this is hard to understand.[/quote]
But I'm talking specifically about the same friends she spends 8 hours a day with at school, not others, completely agree that isn't ok, but why isn't it ok that she sees the friend from her school bubble after school?

I'd tell my husband the same thing. I dont think she should need permission as shes an adult, just as my husband doesn't need permission. But we're in a pandemic that's getting worse and he lives with me. If he chooses to endanger me then he's not welcome in the house, same would go for anyone.

This type of attitude shows just why 17/18/19 year olds aren't truly adults (yet).

What is one NYE party missed when you have another 60+ potentially to look forward to and celebrate?

Youngsters (my own very much included) do really need to learn about delayed gratification, don't they?

YANBU OP.