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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dd18 she can’t see friends tonight?

178 replies

Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:10

Dd is 18 (year 13) and is telling me she’s planning to go to a friend’s garden tonight with 5 other people. We’re in Tier 4 (London- very high rates in the local area) and I’m not happy about this plan at all. Firstly, I think it’s morally wrong and that we should all be complying to try and reduce the rates and secondly I don’t want to risk mine and DH’s health so she can go and get drunk in a friend’s garden. Am I right to tell her that if she chooses to go tonight the doors are bolted for 10 days?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 31/12/2020 11:39

imagine what you would have done faced with this situation on your birthday
Tell her you don’t think she should go and leave it up to her
Pick your battles ias hard as it is

So the OP just has to casually accept that she and her dh don't get a say in how safe they are in their own house?

Rassy · 31/12/2020 11:40

We are in Scotland and DD2 is 17 so is allowed to meet outside with 5 other friends under the age of 18. Two of them were going to come over tonight and sit in the back garden (have heater, fire pit and gazebo). However it transpires that 2 more were going to join them and I am realistic to know that after a few drinks social distancing goes out the window etc. I also felt yesterday that with the escalation in COVID numbers and being advised not to meet etc that it just didn't feel right/appropriate anymore- the whole situation has deteriorated. I was just really uncomfortable and anxious about it - I would have been like a cat on a hot tin roof.

I now feel like the grinch that stole New Year. DD2 is distraught and not speaking to me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 11:41

Bolting the door for 10 days sounds harsh. Part of me though thinks if she’s going to college / school on Monday, you’re possibly only delaying and inevitable unfortunately. Not that I’m saying it justifies the meet up as we are almost all in tier 4 and need an expectation reset.

I wonder if the people voting YABU are responding to the door bolting thing.

Original poster
Cauliflowercruton · 31/12/2020 11:42

mummyoflittledragon I do understand the school argument even though I don’t agree with it but she’s not even going back on Monday- they’ve delayed school opening to the 11th for year 11s and 13th

OP posts:
Mydogisagentleman · 31/12/2020 11:43

My 19 year old DD got a negative test result at 06.25 this morning. To say that she is overjoyed is an understatement. She’s been isolating in her room for 3 days.
Initially she had planned to stay at home and in her room. Once she got the all clear, she thought she would have her friend round.
I said no, so she has taken the dog and they are going for a walk.
Tonight will be me, DH and her.
She’s going back to university on 4.1.21

nosswith · 31/12/2020 11:43

100% no, and call the police and advise them which house it is if she goes. The police have prepared for this and are willing to act.

It's not nice and your DD will not like it, but lives are at stake, if not of her of others. Which part of over 10,000 deaths this month is hard to understand?

corythatwas · 31/12/2020 11:43

My 20yo didn't ask. He gets it. We'll be drinking at home and perhaps playing Scrabble. He didn't go out on his 20th because of the pandemic.

Yes, it is crap.

But there are also 20yos on ventilators- just because they usually pull through doesn't mean they don't have a terrible time. One of dd's mates is probably going to have to give up her studies after contracting LongCovid.

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/12/2020 11:45

Can you offer her an alternative in the future?

It is crap, yet the government allows schools to open abs wonders why this age group are infected. Those at school still have siblings at home.

They need to close the schools for a few weeks so everyone can stay safe.

Orchidflower1 · 31/12/2020 11:46

@Mummyoflittledragon

Bolting the door for 10 days sounds harsh. Part of me though thinks if she’s going to college / school on Monday, you’re possibly only delaying and inevitable unfortunately. Not that I’m saying it justifies the meet up as we are almost all in tier 4 and need an expectation reset.

I wonder if the people voting YABU are responding to the door bolting thing.

@Cauliflowercruton is not literally going to bolt the door. The people ( sorry selfish tw&ts) who voted yabu clearly don’t think the rules apply to them. They are the reason things have got bad again with the new stain.

@Cauliflowercruton ask your dd how she’d feel if she brought Covid home? How would she feel if she was a silent asymptomatic carrier and gave it to her go down the “ it’s embarrassing to pass it on” route if she doesn’t care.

HibernatingTill2030 · 31/12/2020 11:51

To be honest this one party won't make a dent in the case numbers, individually, and nor will anyone elses' party.
But, up and down the county, 10,000 parties and assuming that one asymptomatic person is attending 50% of those parties that's 5,000 asymptomatic people spreading it. Assuming that the attendees are so relaxed about a party, they will probably be going out and about, to the supermarket, "just popping out" to meet more people....

Collectively, every single NYE gathering is going to cause a massive spike.

YANBU

wishfultinkerer · 31/12/2020 11:51

@purpleboy

We were in exactly the same situation dd meeting with 4 friends and camping in individual tents in his garden. They are sensible kids, don't drink and there is an outdoor toilet, so initially I was inclined to let her go, but we went into tier 4 today and so we told her we didn't feel it was appropriate, I also initially didn't mind as they were all back in school Monday so figured it is more risk there, but now they have been pushed back to the following week, that doesn't now apply.

She really wanted to go, but when I asked her what made her so special she could break the rules whilst the majority of the county were staying away from family never mind friends, I think that hit home for her.

This. YANBU
Guineapig99 · 31/12/2020 11:51

Tell her that she isn’t going, end of. Speak to her about why. Tell her she’s selfish as well as breaking the law. Tell her one day she’ll look back in how she behaved and be ashamed.
Your house, your rules.

Neverending21 · 31/12/2020 11:51

My 20 year old casually mentioned last night they were having friends over to sit in the garden at New Year, they were told, this would absolutely not be happening. Checked today & they’ve cancelled the gathering. It’s unbelievable that a large proportion this age group are really not bothered about the rules. Though also know of a friend with a birthday today, having people over, so it’s not just the young. Sadly it’s the vulnerable who will pay the price.

WeeDangerousSpike · 31/12/2020 11:52

YANBU to say she's not to go and if she does she's not welcome back in order to keep you and DH safe.

My worry would be how you would cope if she stayed somewhere else for the 10 days and caught covid there. Knowing she wouldn't have caught it if you'd let her come home.

I know she's an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions, but I don't think that would be any comfort to me if, God forbid, she ended up hospitalised as a result.

I honestly don't know what I would do if appealing to her sense of morality didn't get her to stay home.

NeonSparkle · 31/12/2020 11:52

I get it. It’s rubbish for her- but it’s rubbish for everyone! Im in my 20’s and I would much rather go to see my friends or go to a party, and if I got corona virus I probably wouldn’t be seriously ill- but I’m also not a selfish prick and I want life to go back to normal ASAP. By people mixing all the time and spreading the virus to vulnerable people left right and centre it will take longer!

Redwinestillfine · 31/12/2020 11:53

Tell her she's an adult and can make her own decisions but give her your arguments for why she shouldn't go.

HibernatingTill2030 · 31/12/2020 11:53

But it is horrible. Would she cheer up a bit if you promised (covid permitting) she could have a garden party for her friends in the spring or summer?

TillyTopper · 31/12/2020 11:54

I said YABU because there is no way I'd bolt the door on an 18yo for 10 days. However, I would try having a reasoned conversation with her and make my displeasure known if necessary.

SlowlyLosingSubPlot · 31/12/2020 11:55

I just went to the supermarket and turned back. The queue was too long. People were loading up party food and I saw one woman with 5 baguettes and about 5 packets of baps. Making loads of sandwiches perhaps? I'd like to think that was for the care home she works at, but I'm not sure. Loads of people stocking up for what looks like a good night.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are following the rules.

Lalliella · 31/12/2020 11:56

It’s a rubbish situation but she needs to understand that we all need to pull together and the more we stick to the rules the sooner this will be over.

LindaEllen · 31/12/2020 11:56

YANBU. The rules are in place for a reason.
My DSS went to a party last week (he asked our permission, we said no, he went anyway) and he'd told us previously he wouldn't be drinking and they would be outside and he'd be home by 9 as it started in the afternoon.
He came home at 1.30, stinking of alcohol, having got a lift home with 3 other lads (right next to each other in the car, obviously) and there's plenty of photo evidence on social media that not only was it not outside, but it also wasn't distanced in the slightest. So irresponsible. It caused a huge fallout for us, but he has since apologised saying he knows what he did was wrong.

Your daughter needs to understand - just like my DSS - that she is NOT an exception to the rules. The government aren't doing this to purposefully ruin people's new years. There's a point to it. You're in tier 4, meeting friends does not fit with those rules, therefore she cannot go.

Unsure33 · 31/12/2020 11:57

just tell her that my niece and nephew were working in a supposedly covid safe environment and were asymptomatic and bought it back to their parents and then also to a grandparent . they feel awful .

one parent has been very ill .

Somethingkindaoooo · 31/12/2020 11:58

Among young people of my acquaintance, there has been a conspicuous lack of compliance with the restrictions and they don't seem to give a shit. (Of course, it may just be that many of my friends have brought up spectacularly irresponsible children lol)

I'm curious what people think happens at college? Its impossible to social distance, hallways and classrooms are crowded. They've probably been squashed together all term, and will be again in a week and a half.

I don't know what I would do, but it isn't 'disgusting behaviour' or whatever crap people hurl at young people. Its confusing, and that age group has suffered enormously.

LonelyBlueBauble · 31/12/2020 11:58

My friend actually kicked her 23 year old son out first lockdown when he wouldn't stick to the rules. He ended up at his brother's who tried to talk sense into him but when he broke the rules again he got kicked out of there and ended up at another relative's house. A much older one.

Except this relative charged him a shit load of rent money. It was less than going rate for a room in a house share and he now realises how cushy he had it at his Mum's house. His Grandparent was shielding and my friend (the Mum) was visiting her most days to do shopping, food prep etc. She is still angry at the selfish attitude of her son. He is still at the other relative's house.

YogiBearcub · 31/12/2020 11:59

YANBU! You should try to explain to her rationally the potential consequences of her actions if you or DH can not work and ask her to think how she would feel if someone in the family were to become really unwell.

Infection rates in London are indeed going through the roof and I think it's worse than we are being told.... A friend was just denied a test despite coughing and having a fever, i.e. the government is back in the March ostrich mode of not wanting to report the actual infection numbers.

Explain that for this reason, if she does choose to go, it will be at the cost of 14 days of self isolation (or 10, whatever the rules currently are!)

If you ask me, once they are in the garden, of course it will be cold and they will all go indoors so this is just some innocent sounding cover for what is effectively going to be a home alone party as if nothing was wrong. Zero degrees here ATM (LDN) so no chance they will stay outdoors for long!