Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?

181 replies

Peanutbrittle99 · 31/12/2020 01:39

During Lockdown#1 in March when all the barbers closed, like most men, DH’s hair grew longer. DH is in his late 50’s, very thin / balding on top and now grey/white (used to be blonde). He has had his hair very short (No2) for years & went to barbers every 4-6 weeks. So it’s now December and DH hasn’t had his haircut once since beginning of March.... He refuses- he likes it. Can now get it in a ponytail. I can’t bear the way he looks. His hair is lank, sticks out at the sides, like white fluffy clouds, always looks greasy, although he does shower every day. He has a bald patch at back of head with lank strips of hair dangling over it. It’s ageing, scruffy, deeply unattractive (to me) and puts me right off. I’ve asked him many times to get his hair cut, have bought hair clippers. He refuses. He’s a handsome man, still very fit and in good shape. He doesn’t care at all that I don’t like it. When we first met nearly 20 years ago, he had a lot of opinions on how women looked (still does). Long hair = good/right. Bobs/fringes = bad/wrong. My hair has been more or less always shoulder length . Sometimes a bit shorter/ sometimes a fringe. I wear my hair how I like but I really don’t think I would stick with a look if my DH said he really really didn’t like it & found it unattractive. Sometimes I find myself staring at him in disgust...AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 12:02

What about downloading the make me bald app and giving one of your photos a skullet? You could then add it to his phone / Ipad / laptop as the locked / background screen.

CuteBear · 31/12/2020 12:03

@Apollo3

Are you always so vile about others appearances? Imagine if someone used your picture to laugh about how ugly you were? Or your child’s? Disgusting behaviour from a so called adult

Oh please, sanctimonious Sally! New flash, humans find some things attractive, and some things not, and are allowed to say so! Hmm

What if a woman posted a thread about her DH telling her that he doesn’t like how she’s gained weight? Bet lots of women here would be screaming LTB.
cherrypie790 · 31/12/2020 12:13

DH has got really thinning hair, and was going down the road of a combover before lockdown........... by absolute chance, I'd got a photo of him with the dogs that very clearly showed the bald patch at the back of his head with the hair he thought was disguising it blowing in the air like tumbleweed.

He was really really upset....... and asked me and our DDs if it really looked that bad. He had a chorus of "yes Dad it does", so let me at it with the clippers. I can't tell you how relieved I was, and it looks sooooo much better on him. And before anyone screams that I was being unfair, I've gone back to dyeing my hair as DH really didn't like it grey. We're both quite respectful of each others opinions.

I'd very gently try to photograph it from different angles, OP .......... he may think that he's rocking a very different look to reality.

FestiveStuffing · 31/12/2020 12:20

@PMcGintysGoat

To be honest I think if it were the other way round we wouldn't think it acceptable for OP to stop making any effort to maintain or wash her hair and still expect her husband to find her as attractive. She isn't asking him to dye his hair or style it in a particular way, she's asking that it is maintained and kept clean.

What would bother me more is that he doesn't seem to care that OP doesn't like it, and doesn't feel he should make an effort.

You have my sympathy OP, I'm sure in your position it isn't funny.

The style itself is clearly a big part of the problem for OP. IME, when the sexes have been the other way around on similar threads, the main response has been that OP is within her rights to look how she liked, but that her partner is within his rights to leave her for it. I can't remember ever seeing anyone suggest that her partner would be within his rights to belittle her, invent cruel comments from others in an attempt to manipulate her into changing or to force a change in her appearance, such as by cutting her hair in her sleep.
Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 12:21

@CuteBear

They would be screaming LTB, but I’ve always found that approach highly unreasonable. You never share or insult your spouse, but raising the issue of diminishing physical attractiveness (/effects on your sexual relationship) is fair game...no?

Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 12:22

Shame*! (Although sharing a spouse also sounds suspect)

CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/12/2020 12:41

He died of lukemia but not let that put you off being a shallow person
Terry Nutkin’s hairstyle had nothing to do with cancer FFS!

Are you always so vile about others appearances?
No

Imagine if someone used your picture to laugh about how ugly you were? Or your child’s?
Their opinions wouldn’t bother me; if it’s true then it wouldn’t be a shock and if it isn’t why would I care.

You can find others unattractive without posting their picture and laughing at them and snidely calling them a “handsome man” with sick face emojis like a 12 year old bully would do on whatsapp groups.
I very much doubt that Devin Townsend frequents MN or gives a flying fuck what I think about his trademark hair considering he was after the shock value.

What if a woman posted a thread about her DH telling her that he doesn’t like how she’s gained weight? Bet lots of women here would be screaming LTB.
Well yes because this is MN and the default is to be more positive towards women than men. However, I have read comments saying that the female OP, whose DH no longer fancies her because she's put on 20 stones forexample, is unreasonable to think her dramatic appearance change wouldn't affect how her DH sees her. Loving a life partner and finding them physically attractive are usually linked, but not necessarily. A radical change of appearance comes with risks in relationships, like it or not.

Collaborate · 31/12/2020 12:42

Would be interested to see a venn diagram of those who think it's OK for OP to slag off her husband's hair style (and of course refuse sex unless he cuts it) and those who are incandescent when a poster's husband expresses a preference for vaginal topiary. It won't be a circle but I bet there's a significant overlap.

woodhill · 31/12/2020 12:43

Bill Bailey

ViciousJackdaw · 31/12/2020 12:44

I’d rather be sanctimonious than an out and out cunt

To be fair, you're doing well at both.

Puddingypops · 31/12/2020 12:45

Errrr hold on girls I have a Bob and a fringe what’s so unattractive about that??!!?!?

backwardforward · 31/12/2020 12:49

Post a photo of your own hair OP.

Feelinglow8736 · 31/12/2020 12:58

@BananaPop2020

I am sorry to laugh OP but honestly that Nutkin pic and your description are priceless. I am halfway through a grim quarantine period and you have massively cheered me up. I have tears running down my face 😂😂😂
Me too. I was howling at the Terry Nutkin pic.
Feelinglow8736 · 31/12/2020 12:59

@Puddingypops

Errrr hold on girls I have a Bob and a fringe what’s so unattractive about that??!!?!?
I dont think theres anything unattractive about that hairstyle at all. However, I have read numerous times men think long hair is more attractive
Brefugee · 31/12/2020 13:13

However, I have read comments saying that the female OP, whose DH no longer fancies her because she's put on 20 stones forexample, is unreasonable to think her dramatic appearance change wouldn't affect how her DH sees her.

the difference here is the "cut it off in his sleep" type of cunty suggestions (just bantz, innit?)

The point is that since they're both adults the normal thing would be to say "oh DH i don't think that hair suits you" or similar, and for him to say "well i like it" and then you can say something like "but it would look better, in that case, if you used these products on it"

But the hypothetical suddenly 20 stone wife would be told to LTB if her OH suggested dieting, or wearing X clothes instead of Y which would suit her shape better.

And posting pictures of people and laughing about their appearance? Really? In general that is a cunty bitchy thing to do.

cosmicpotato · 31/12/2020 13:20

Perhaps he's leaving it long purposely because he's not attracted to you anymore and knows you won't come near him with his long hair, so a kind of deterrent?

Puddingypops · 31/12/2020 13:25

@Feelinglow8736 well I care one fog what men find more attractive! I’m surprised mumsnet subscribe to that being such a feminist space!

Anyway I get far more (unwanted) make attention and offers with my Bob than when I wear my hair long!

Humph!!

MoodyMarshall · 31/12/2020 13:30

I'm laughing so much at this thread Grin

'Giving everyone the ick' made me do a big LOL.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2020 13:31

Yuck. Longer hair is ok on younger blokes but on grey or white it’s awful.

It would also piss me off that he was doing something when he knew I found it incredibly unattractive. It’s one thing not to have to dress to please your OH but going out of your way to look awful is just rude.

MoodyMarshall · 31/12/2020 13:34

I think the Bob/fringe combo PP are referring to is this one (advance apologies if this is a pic of you personally)...

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?
Puddingypops · 31/12/2020 13:53

@MoodyMarshall ah ok, that’s fair enough lol, no I don’t sport that particular style!

ginandbearit · 31/12/2020 13:59

Perhaps get a 'call the manager' haircut and be all brisk and direct lol..Im a balding bloke and I think the men I see with skulletts and scraggy ponytails look ridiculous and sad..at least it isnt a comb over..they do deserve a fly by scissor snip

thetemptationofchocolate · 31/12/2020 14:05

Maybe he thinks he looks like Riff Raff?

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?
Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2020 14:08

Ooh, so unsexy. Has he not noticed its a turn off?

Lavanderrose · 31/12/2020 14:25

Haha, sorry but this made me laugh. Get him to hold a mirror up from behind so he can look it at from all angles, he’ll soon dash for the clippers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread