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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?

181 replies

Peanutbrittle99 · 31/12/2020 01:39

During Lockdown#1 in March when all the barbers closed, like most men, DH’s hair grew longer. DH is in his late 50’s, very thin / balding on top and now grey/white (used to be blonde). He has had his hair very short (No2) for years & went to barbers every 4-6 weeks. So it’s now December and DH hasn’t had his haircut once since beginning of March.... He refuses- he likes it. Can now get it in a ponytail. I can’t bear the way he looks. His hair is lank, sticks out at the sides, like white fluffy clouds, always looks greasy, although he does shower every day. He has a bald patch at back of head with lank strips of hair dangling over it. It’s ageing, scruffy, deeply unattractive (to me) and puts me right off. I’ve asked him many times to get his hair cut, have bought hair clippers. He refuses. He’s a handsome man, still very fit and in good shape. He doesn’t care at all that I don’t like it. When we first met nearly 20 years ago, he had a lot of opinions on how women looked (still does). Long hair = good/right. Bobs/fringes = bad/wrong. My hair has been more or less always shoulder length . Sometimes a bit shorter/ sometimes a fringe. I wear my hair how I like but I really don’t think I would stick with a look if my DH said he really really didn’t like it & found it unattractive. Sometimes I find myself staring at him in disgust...AIBU?

OP posts:
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Barmyfarmy · 31/12/2020 10:46

My DH has long, luscious hair and now I'm dreading what it'll turn into Shock

He's 42 and no greys or balding yet but I think I'll be hacking at it with my kitchen scissors if it goes down the Bill Bailey route...

TableFlowerss · 31/12/2020 10:46

I don’t think YABU at all OP.

My DP used to have a shaven head and be clean shaven, with a medium build/frame. I was attracted to that look when we first first got together. He was ‘my type’.

Since Lock down he’s also grown his hair and wears it in a point tail. And looks like what I’d a small mammal on his face. He’s also stared bodybuilding with his friend.

I’ve never lined the muscley look. I’ve never liked long hair on a man or facial hair. Now he has the lot. I’ve told him I’m not a fan and that he’s got such a handsome face, why is he hiding it.

Had he gone bald that would be different as that’s not a choice and it’s part parcel of life and he couldn’t do much about that.

My annoyance is that it doesn’t nothing for me and I don’t feel attracted to him these days. I can’t help it. It’s just the look he’s now fallen in love with, is not my type

SoupDragon · 31/12/2020 10:47

@Peanutbrittle99

I think expecting me to sit him at my dressing table and style his long thin hair with my curling wand, is just unreasonable...
Does he do this then?
PMcGintysGoat · 31/12/2020 10:49

To be honest I think if it were the other way round we wouldn't think it acceptable for OP to stop making any effort to maintain or wash her hair and still expect her husband to find her as attractive. She isn't asking him to dye his hair or style it in a particular way, she's asking that it is maintained and kept clean.

What would bother me more is that he doesn't seem to care that OP doesn't like it, and doesn't feel he should make an effort.

You have my sympathy OP, I'm sure in your position it isn't funny.

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 10:53

And what if you liked the way you looked?

Then I would still have to understand that himself did not, and that he doesn't have to shag me if my new look makes me unattractive to him.
Same vice versa.

Some of you have a really fucked up attitude to sex and attraction....accusing OP of "with holding sex" from a man she is repulsed by, as if she should fuck him anyway just to be nice.
Eugh. Revolting.

shelbyrae · 31/12/2020 11:02

You should get a realistic bob/fringe wig and see how he reacts!

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 31/12/2020 11:04

@ancientgran

One partner is entitled to grow their hair or beard or put on weight or stop washing. Their partner is entitled to say they don't want sex with them, sex shouldn't be a duty or obligation, it's meant to be fun or was that just back in the 60s, maybe the rules of the game have changed.
Absolutely, but there are regularly threads on here where women say their partner has said he doesn't find her as attractive because she has put on weight, and everyone is on the OP's side and slags off the man for not fancying her whatever she looks like.
Crazycrazylady · 31/12/2020 11:05

Honestly there has always been a small cohort on here that's seems to believe that your partner should fancy you the same as always even if you change everything about yourself. I've seen loads of threads where someone is claiming their partner is gone off them because of something like significant weight gain etc to cries of he's /she's Satan.. ignore her/him..
I simply would not fancy my husband if he grew long grey hair or gained ten stone. I don't believe that it makes me a bad person nor is it controlling behaviour to not want to have sex with someone who has done something that their partner finds unattractive .

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 11:08

nd everyone is on the OP's side and slags off the man for not fancying her whatever she looks like

I very much doubt that everyone says that. I wouldn't, I'm sure many others wouldn't either.
But its different people answering, there is no MN hive mind like some silly people imagine.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2020 11:11

I think long hair should be illegal on much men over 40!

CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/12/2020 11:11

Oh dear OP, you have my sympathies, I can't stand the skullet either 🤢🤮
Does he also have the little tufty beard like this handsome man Wink

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?
CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/12/2020 11:15

The problem with radical changes of appearance is that there's the risk that your partner might not find you attractive any more which can have a massive impact on a relationship. I mean, just look at the varied styles this photographer has had and see how he goes from "hell yeah" to "fuck no" depending on your tastes 😬

OxfordwillsaveusbyFebruary · 31/12/2020 11:15

@Peanutbrittle99

Think Terry Nutkin
He died of lukemia but not let that put you off being a shallow person
Anyoldname12 · 31/12/2020 11:27

@CandidaAlbicans2

Oh dear OP, you have my sympathies, I can't stand the skullet either 🤢🤮 Does he also have the little tufty beard like this handsome man Wink
Are you always so vile about others appearances? Imagine if someone used your picture to laugh about how ugly you were? Or your child’s? Disgusting behaviour from a so called adult.
Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 11:27

He died of lukemia but not let that put you off being a shallow person

WTF has that go to do with anything?

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 11:28

Are you always so vile about others appearances? Imagine if someone used your picture to laugh about how ugly you were? Or your child’s? Disgusting behaviour from a so called adult

Oh please, sanctimonious Sally! New flash, humans find some things attractive, and some things not, and are allowed to say so! Hmm

Anyoldname12 · 31/12/2020 11:29

@Peanutbrittle99

Yes I think that’s a good tactic and also to get our mutual female friends to let him know he’s giving everyone the ick , not just his wife?
I think you should leave him. If you’re so blasé about getting your friends to bully him for his looks he deserves a better wife tbh. He may be physically repulsive to you but you’re a fucking disgusting human being.
Anyoldname12 · 31/12/2020 11:32

@Apollo3

Are you always so vile about others appearances? Imagine if someone used your picture to laugh about how ugly you were? Or your child’s? Disgusting behaviour from a so called adult

Oh please, sanctimonious Sally! New flash, humans find some things attractive, and some things not, and are allowed to say so! Hmm

You can find others unattractive without posting their picture and laughing at them and snidely calling them a “handsome man” with sick face emojis like a 12 year old bully would do on whatsapp groups.

I’d rather be sanctimonious than an out and out cunt.

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 11:33

Oh get a grip. Not everything is rainbows and kittens, join the real world.

PearlclutchersInc · 31/12/2020 11:35

Mid life crisis maybe or just no sense of self (eg would he slag off another man with that look but cant see it in himself?)

SweetPetrichor · 31/12/2020 11:36

I feel a bit sorry for the poor bugger. Imagine if a man posted about how unattractive he found his wife because of something superficial like a hairstyle. That’d be cruel. So why isn’t this cruel too. My DP had luscious long hair in his youth. Longer than mine. He chose to give up and shave it off as his hairline receded. But I wouldn’t have ridiculed him if he’d kept it.

BiBabbles · 31/12/2020 11:39

Skullet is a really good word for it.

My spouse started growing his hair out back when he was 19, much to his mother and uni roommates disapproval. He's always said even back then that if he ever went bald that he would cut it right away. He's always been repulsed by what he calls the 'Paul Heyman' look.

No sign of balding yet, so he has lovely ginger hair down to his mid-lower back. He pretty much always wears it in a high ponytail but there have been times he's let me or the kids plait it (and his beard, we've had fun going full viking braids on him a few times - it's very fun to play with).

If it's lank and greasy, maybe he needs a different shampoo and conditioner? Or, if long hair is new to him, he might need a better brush to redistribute the oils better or to better clean his brush.

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2020 11:45

Long hair on men is fine but not when balding. It just looks icky imo

SusannahSophia · 31/12/2020 11:53

I had a teacher at school who we used to nickname ‘Shaky’ due to his skullet.

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?
Calmondeck · 31/12/2020 11:58

Hahaha my DH has also refused a haircut since March. I’ve been quietly watching what looks like a stray dog perched on his head for months. Finally cracked a few days ago and asked him what his hair plan was. He seemed genuinely shocked. I said can I take a picture from the back so he can see what I can see. A haircut occurred within the hour. Perhaps you can show your DH a picture? Maybe he doesn’t realise how he looks