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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dismayed and frankly repulsed by DH’s long grey hair ?

181 replies

Peanutbrittle99 · 31/12/2020 01:39

During Lockdown#1 in March when all the barbers closed, like most men, DH’s hair grew longer. DH is in his late 50’s, very thin / balding on top and now grey/white (used to be blonde). He has had his hair very short (No2) for years & went to barbers every 4-6 weeks. So it’s now December and DH hasn’t had his haircut once since beginning of March.... He refuses- he likes it. Can now get it in a ponytail. I can’t bear the way he looks. His hair is lank, sticks out at the sides, like white fluffy clouds, always looks greasy, although he does shower every day. He has a bald patch at back of head with lank strips of hair dangling over it. It’s ageing, scruffy, deeply unattractive (to me) and puts me right off. I’ve asked him many times to get his hair cut, have bought hair clippers. He refuses. He’s a handsome man, still very fit and in good shape. He doesn’t care at all that I don’t like it. When we first met nearly 20 years ago, he had a lot of opinions on how women looked (still does). Long hair = good/right. Bobs/fringes = bad/wrong. My hair has been more or less always shoulder length . Sometimes a bit shorter/ sometimes a fringe. I wear my hair how I like but I really don’t think I would stick with a look if my DH said he really really didn’t like it & found it unattractive. Sometimes I find myself staring at him in disgust...AIBU?

OP posts:
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BluntAndToThePoint80 · 31/12/2020 10:09

I’ve never heard skullet before. And I love the second rate wizard - laughing my socks off here.

awaynboilyurheid · 31/12/2020 10:16

@LunaNorth

Is he Willie Nelson?

At least you’re always on his mind.

This wins the internet for me today Brilliant!
Mummadeeze · 31/12/2020 10:18

My partner has grown a beard and bushy moustache during lockdown which I don’t find attractive at all. It has been a godsend for me in a way as our relationship is crap and we don’t have sex anyway, so at least I have stopped fancying him physically now too! It has kind of done me a favour. But I do sympathise with you, that skullet look is really v unattractive!

Brefugee · 31/12/2020 10:21

FFS. His body, his choice.

And next time when a woman says that her DH won't "let" her change her appearance - have a think about some of the replies on this thread.

Hangingover · 31/12/2020 10:22

I feel you OP. DP keeps insisting his hair "style" is "cool". its not

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 10:27

It is controlling, manupilative abusive and rather horrible

no it fucking isn;t Hmm

Lalalatte · 31/12/2020 10:30

Nooo, our previous NDN had this look and it wasn't good.

I too want to see Britwife's DH's hair. Does he ever plait It? Put it into a massive manbun?

SoupDragon · 31/12/2020 10:30

do another post and put yourself in your DH position and see what replies you get.

Yes! Absolutely.

Peanutbrittle99 · 31/12/2020 10:33

I think expecting me to sit him at my dressing table and style his long thin hair with my curling wand, is just unreasonable...

OP posts:
Papatron · 31/12/2020 10:36

@Brefugee

FFS. His body, his choice.

And next time when a woman says that her DH won't "let" her change her appearance - have a think about some of the replies on this thread.

His body, his choice. He could choose to get a face tattoo but he would have to accept the consequences. If he would rather keep his silly hair than be attractive to his wife then that's his choice.
JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 31/12/2020 10:36

@Apollo3

It is controlling, manupilative abusive and rather horrible

no it fucking isn;t Hmm

So if your husband withheld sex and called you repulsive because you had gained weight / got a haircut he didn’t like you wouldn’t think it was controlling?

Fucking deluded.

Flittingaboutagain · 31/12/2020 10:37

I think he knows you don't want him intimately anymore anyway so this is a reflection of his hurt and a passive aggressive fuck you. Like some people subconsciously gain weight to put a partner off they were hurt by.

Aemos · 31/12/2020 10:38

I agree with you in principle but in practice my husband’s hair is similar, though shorter, and it really is hard to take. It’s not just that it’s unattractive (which would be fine); it makes him look like a completely different kind of person and not someone who inspires trust or good feeling.

Aemos · 31/12/2020 10:40

@Aemos

I agree with you in principle but in practice my husband’s hair is similar, though shorter, and it really is hard to take. It’s not just that it’s unattractive (which would be fine); it makes him look like a completely different kind of person and not someone who inspires trust or good feeling.
That was supposed to be in response to one of the posts that said it was controlling and abusive to take objection to the hair.
LunaNorth · 31/12/2020 10:41

@Aemos

I agree with you in principle but in practice my husband’s hair is similar, though shorter, and it really is hard to take. It’s not just that it’s unattractive (which would be fine); it makes him look like a completely different kind of person and not someone who inspires trust or good feeling.
Yes. A pair of slightly- too-short elasticated tracksuit bottoms and leather slip-on shoes would complete the look nicely, along with long, dirty fingernails.

Shudder.

Brefugee · 31/12/2020 10:42

Papatron

He could choose to get a face tattoo but he would have to accept the consequences.

since OP has already had at least 2 hairstyles that her DH had said he didn't like, i think we know that comparing it to a facial tattoo is bollocks.

This thread is going to be my go to example next time someone moans that their DH is a git because he doesn't like their lip filler/extensions/whatever.

Turned around the comments would be "well, what do you get out of this relationship". This is typical MN hypocricy in one thread

ginghamtablecloths · 31/12/2020 10:43

It seems trivial on the face of it but hair is so central to our looks and feelings - bad hair day, can't do anything with it, etc.

If he knows you don't like it but insists anyway it's time for you to get a bob. When things get back to normal he might make an improvement.

CuteBear · 31/12/2020 10:44

Imagine if a man said he hated his wife’s grey pixie cut and how she has gained weight and wanted advice on how to force her to change her appearance. He would be slaughtered on here.

However, I don’t think anyone with thin hair (man or woman) should grow it long. I think it’s really ageing.

Peanutbrittle99 · 31/12/2020 10:44

@user1473878824. DH’s specific dislike is thick blunt fringes and pudding bowl bobs, neither of which I have ever sported. His fear was that as some women get older, they get frumpier / stouter/ don’t give a toss - there’s the irony...

OP posts:
Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 10:44

So if your husband withheld sex and called you repulsive because you had gained weight / got a haircut he didn’t like you wouldn’t think it was controlling?

It's not "witholding sex", for fucks sake, if you think that you have serious issues. Nobody is entitled to sex, it's not being with held. If I purposefully made myself unattractive to my husband and made myself look as hideous as possible, why would he want to have sex with me? It wouldn't be controlling, at all, it would be totally natural.

The idea that he is entitled to sex from his wife no matter how little effort he makes to be sexually attractive to her is what is controlling and fucking deluded, and it goes equally for either sex.

Get a fucking hold of yourself.

steppemum · 31/12/2020 10:45

Well this thread went downhill fast!

Of course he is allowed to have his hair anyway he likes.
But he also needs to accept that you may find him less attractive with it that way.

To be fair, the world seems to be littered with people who haven't had a haircut since March including me it feels a bit like it is the only time you can get away with it, and what would I look like with a different hairstyle? Trying out different looks with the excuse of lockdown. A lot of them seem to be men growing their hair long. It will pass I'm sure.

ILikeTrains · 31/12/2020 10:45

Could be worse - at least he's not trying for a comb over. Tell him he's got nits and that it's best to shave it all off Grin

SoupDragon · 31/12/2020 10:46

and made myself look as hideous as possible

And what if you liked the way you looked?

Anyoldname12 · 31/12/2020 10:46

His body, his choice. He could choose to get a face tattoo but he would have to accept the consequences. If he would rather keep his silly hair than be attractive to his wife then that's his choice.

Hyperbolic comparison but let’s go with it.

Yes he would have to accept NORMAL consequences which aren’t abusive.

OP is perfectly within her right to not like the hair cut / tattoo. Even find it a turn off. At this point you have a calm conversation where you express that view and see if a compromise can be made or if there is a way forward.

What isn’t ok is suggesting things like cutting his hair off in his sleep, bullying him by comparing him to other people she finds physically repulsive (these are also real people, imagine if someone used a photo of you to laugh at how ugly you were!!) and emotionally manipulating him by withholding sex. It’s abusive, “lighthearted” or not.

It is abuse to tell someone what to do with their body, the fact that some people can’t see that is fucked up! No wonder so many children get bullied with absolutely shocking role models at home like this.

ancientgran · 31/12/2020 10:46

One partner is entitled to grow their hair or beard or put on weight or stop washing. Their partner is entitled to say they don't want sex with them, sex shouldn't be a duty or obligation, it's meant to be fun or was that just back in the 60s, maybe the rules of the game have changed.