Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/12/2020 23:27

@AnotherEmma

Your first words were, "I'm a feminist," but everything in your post was misogynistic. I just want to be sure that other readers know that what you have said has nothing to do with feminism. It is not a trap which feminists fall into. It is an opinion of misogynsits.

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2020 23:43

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@AnotherEmma

Your first words were, "I'm a feminist," but everything in your post was misogynistic. I just want to be sure that other readers know that what you have said has nothing to do with feminism. It is not a trap which feminists fall into. It is an opinion of misogynsits.[/quote]
I think that’s a bit harsh! Read AnotherEmma’s post again. She’s saying she considers herself a feminist and nonetheless has struggled unexpectedly with the misogynistic attitudes lurking within despite thinking she was above it.

In my experience it’s motherhood (or maybe “a certain age”?) that truly trips a switch from feminist-lite to proper “Oh shit internalised misogyny alert”. I’m saying it’s motherhood because that’s what happened to me, but maybe even if I’d not had children it would have happened as you see more clearly patterns playing out the older you get.

BackforGood · 29/12/2020 23:56

Sounds like you've come on here for honest advice, some people have been extremely honest on their thoughts and you have taken it all on board. You have the capacity to change your views and admit mistakes - even apologise!

If these aren't key traits of an amazing mother then I am not sure what are. Be kind to yourself.

This ^
Fair lay to you for taking everything on borad.

PS - The favourite item in my dcs' dressing up box was an old curtain. Like so many toys, it meant it could be used in different ways - cloaks, togas, dresses, gowns for shepherds or kings, or whipped out for a picnic blanket, or draped over a table to make a den etc etc etc.

ispepsiokay · 29/12/2020 23:56

Purchasing the dress is very different to forcing your daughter to wear it. My DS was frozen obsessed from a year old (still is at 5) I bought him a dress for his costumes and he wore it continuously until it was pretty much rags, I never forced him to wear it as some 'woke' parent, he loved frozen and loved the dress, he's now moved onto Avengers and is most commonly seen sporting his Iron Man costume but still plays with his Frozen toys.

Buy the dress, give her the choice and I bet she will love it.

trixiebelden77 · 30/12/2020 00:10

Its difficult to get the balance right isn’t it?

I’d let them buy the dress and keep offering lots of other options.

You will always gets lots of responses dripping with confirmation bias - I can already see the ‘my relative didn’t let her kid eat cake and NOW SHE EATS NOTHING BUT CAKE AND WILL KILL PEOPLE TO GET CAKE’ and the stuff about ‘I raised my kid gender neutral but at 3 all she wears is a crown and a tutu and that’s just her nature’ which invariably comes from people lacking the insight to realise that even they as parents have ingrained sexist ideas that they are inevitably passing on to their kids, and that no they are not special and able to operate entirely free of societal influences.

All of this stuff is a compromise and it’s not easy to get it right every time.

clpsmum · 30/12/2020 00:12

Sounds like you are being precious to me. Buying her an outfit from a film she loves is hardly thrusting it upon her

MustardMitt · 30/12/2020 00:13

Sorry that sounds ridiculous to me. Your daughter loves Frozen so her relative wanted to buy her a dress. That fulfils your rules surely?!

NatriumChloride · 30/12/2020 00:23

Yes. Yes, you're being unreasonable and rude too. It's a dress from Frozen, and by your own admission your daughter loves it. What's the flipping problem? Would you have been annoyed at receiving a Buzz Lightyear outfit? A fireman one? Those characters are gender specific too.

PetertheWalrus · 30/12/2020 01:15

If you didn't want her to have the dress given (well offered) to her why did you (a) let her see Frozen and (b) mention to anyone that she loved it? YABU.

happystone · 30/12/2020 01:33

Is this for real. Let the girl have a dress.

happystone · 30/12/2020 01:37

Read the rest of your posts you sound like a lovely person.I can understand how you felt if you didn’t like girly things as a child

Teapot13 · 30/12/2020 02:05

Keep in mind kids usually don't use the toys the way you'd expect. Our princess dresses have been used for a lot of very imaginative play.

TuxedoPantherSheHer · 30/12/2020 03:07

You’re maybe overthinking this a little.

Totally get where you are coming from about not wanting to foist expectations onto a child.

However if that child does love that film I think it comes out of the foisting category.

It was just a spontaneous kind hearted gesture made in response to something you mentioned.

I don’t think your relative did anything wrong. Neither did you. It’s just maybe just a case of not being your best foot forward this time.

bloodyhairy · 30/12/2020 06:45

Sorry, but you sound like hard work. That was a ridiculous and precious response to your relative's kind offer.

hop27 · 30/12/2020 06:49

I loved all things Disney as a child, loved dressing up as a princess, also collected toy cars. I'm now a Director in a tier 1 construction firm. Stop trying to control everything OP - you are overthinking it.

Wannabangbang · 30/12/2020 07:07

First world problems, get a grip. I think you need to let it go, you cannot veto every gift someone buys for your child. I don't get why princess stuff is so bad, it's make believe fun. It's about what your child would like. It's not like a toy gun or a replica of a knife which i would totally not allow

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 30/12/2020 07:34

The annoying thing is so much girly stuff is linked in with looks, all about being pretty and sparkly and nice. although people say they have a big mix of things it's very noticeable how much of this type of shite girls get. It's not like they have 100 toys and items of clothes and 2 or 3 pink and sparkly things much more like 30-50%. I had a daughter after having 3 boys I could not believe how quickly this stuff was foisted on her. Even with the congratulations cards every single fucking one was pink. That's not a range that's some weird pink wash. I was equally fed up with my boys being given power ranger/action man bollocks.
Charity shop, charity shop, charity shop!

Maudythebudgie · 30/12/2020 07:43

We did this. We ruffled a lot of feathers along the way, but I do feel it gave my kid a bit of room to operate outside of oppressive gender stereotypes for a short while. I would do the same again.

28andold · 30/12/2020 07:48

I'd it's in her nature to dress up as a princess then let her. You're not going to have a healthy relationship with tour child I'd you carry on denying her femininity.

inquietant · 30/12/2020 07:52

It's not someone's 'nature' to wear a scratchy Disney dress Grin.

People are taking this excessively seriously in both directions imo.

It is a dressing up outfit. It won't do anyone major harm to wear it, or not. Frozen is just a film, not an important developmental opportunity.

inquietant · 30/12/2020 07:54

I would just charity shop it if I didn't want my kid to wear it.

You won't destroy her whether she has the dress or not.

Imapotato · 30/12/2020 07:55

Child likes frozen, relative thinks of great I’ll get them a frozen dressing up dress they’ll love that.

You “no we don’t allow princess things in the house” relative confused you you just said she loves frozen.

YABU - also I always saw Elsa as quite a feminist who doesn’t need a man to save her.

SpiderGwen · 30/12/2020 09:19

I think you’ve handled this very well @Mucholoco. Your initial stance came from a good place, you’ve seen how “no princess stuff” isn’t as helpful as “not only princess stuff” and you’ve made up with your relative and had a laugh about it.

That’s the sort of stuff that makes a great parent. Just wanted to send you my appreciation and respect.

On the topic of dressing up boxes, don’t forget animal costumes. All of the children at the toddler group I volunteered at loved those, as well as fairies/angels (both sexes) because wings are fun. CharlieCrow.com does great tabard costumes - easy to get in and out of, fits for years.

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2020 09:44

Wow. I was honest about finding it difficult to overcome sexist conditioning about the value of certain "girly" things, and I'm accused of misogyny Grin I think that's a first for me, and I've been on mumsnet a LONG time Grin

I probably should have specified that I don't dislike ALL "girly" things, I'm just not a big fan of the colour pink, but then I don't think pink should be the ONLY colour offered to girls, and I don't think it should be offered to girls only and not boys. I feel the same about the colour blue and have actively avoided it for DS.

In my post I was trying to be honest about being an "imperfect feminist" and IMO feminism is about questioning our own deep-rooted biases when they don't nearly fit our rational ideals.

Of course that's probably a bit nuanced for AIBU Grin I'll stick to Feminism Chat next time!

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2020 09:46

nearly neatly