Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

I think princesses have a bad name. It's been a long time since Disney gave us princesses who were passive and decorative. Like all the way back to Sleeping Beauty. Even the stuff from my childhood (Aladdin, the Little Mermaid, Pocahontas) had strong princesses - girls who know things and do things and yearn for adventure. The more recent ones - Mulan, Elsa, Moana - are bad-ass in the extreme. If I had daughters I would say absolutely take princesses as role models. Princesses, like other girls, can control their destinies, save the world and sing like divas. And they can do it in a dress if they feel like it.

Let people give your daughter gifts they think she will like. And you keep right on telling her she doesn't have to conform to any bullshit stereotype. Your encouragement will win the day in the end.

@ChristmasUserName2020

Is the relative you?

Clearly the relative is MIL.

YABVU your making it into an issue when it doesn't need to be!

My DGrandson1 loves Frozen so we bought him a large Elsa and Anna soft dolls(that were suitable for his age)and he loves them,he also got a skuttle bike,a click clack track,a large cuddly Olaf,a remote controlled Police car,he got toys that some people would say are for girls and some that people would say are for boys but we've never really thought like that.

He has a massive ride on rocking Dinosaur(he's obsessed with dinosaurs,dinosaurs,Frozen,Noahs ark,Peppa pig and old Mcdonalds farm)he has cars and he has cuddly toys and dollys,we all of us, us his Granparents,his Mum,his Uncles and Aunties,his Great Grandparents and Great Uncles and Great Aunties we all buy him things that we know he likes the fact that he's a boy doesn't come into it.

We did the same with all 5 of our DC(3 DS's and 2 DD's) and it worked well with them,all 5 of them had Doll's,all 5 had play houses and play hoovers ect,all 5 had toy cars and dinosaurs and now that they're much older they all have varied interests.

Let the child choose,you'll soon know if your DD doesn't want to wear the frozen dress!

@XmasBelle

Let it go

My daughter has been encouraged with all toys. I love worked with children long enough to know they'll like what they like. She currently has 4 elsa dresses all slightly different styles. And most of the other princess dresses too. She is a girly girl she wants heels make up the lot she's 5. Somethings I say no to as not old enough but she knows what she likes. She has got so many barbies and babies I've lost count. But she will play for hours with these. She also has lego and building blocks that she loves. She gets creative she loves to draw. All you can do is keep offering a variety of things and she'll pick her own way.

Do you dress your daughter as a boy too?

Would you have said yes to a pirate outfit?

Stop being so woke and allow the little girl to be a little girl. Girls exist, women exist get over it.

If you had a boy would you refuse to buy him a Thomas the tank engine because it's very masculine?

FFS

I get that you probably don't want her to grow up to be like some TOWIE idiot I really do. But most girls and boys will want to play with certain toys whether they are particularly aimed at boys or girls.

The day DS started at nursery around 2.5 yrs old, a girl a similar age started on the same day. As it was the children's first day, us mums had to stay on site to see that the kids had settled ok. I was in the kitchen with the little girls mum who proudly told me her daughter never wore pink, didn't play with dolls, didn't know what a Disney princess was etc etc. Said child then appeared in the doorway dressed in a Cinderella dress with a tiara on her head. Mum's face was a picture, she even said she couldn't believe the staff had put her in it, it was against everything she did at home. Nursery manager overheard and said nobody had put her in it, the little girl had made a beeline for it.

If they want to play with it, let them. If it is banned at home it'll be all the more attractive at nursery/playgroup/friend's houses.

My own DS spent a winter in a red Minnie Mouse hat and mittens as they had been his big sister's and he loved them!

It really bugs me when posts about gender stereotypes types come up and soooo many people jump on to say, oh but what does it matter if all a little girl receives are princess costumes, unicorns, flowery and pink and glittery cuddly things and clothes that say, I’m cute or with cakes on with smiley faces. So many people are falling over themselves to say how much it dosen’t matter at all... but it does dosen’t it?! What are children imagine and play, can imagine themselves doing, characters that inspire them, all those things matter, so why do so many people pile on these threads and say issue? What issue? It may not be the whole picture, but bloody hell gender stereotypes, sexism, toxic masculinity- they’re problems, real world problems- they don’t magically appear once a child turns 18, so isn’t it worth thinking about the types of gender stereotypes that toys are marketed at? And no not all girls “naturally” love pink and sparkly and not all boys love cars. If I have a relative who was likely to force lots of this stuff on us (luckily I don’t 😆) I would say something or quietly bin it, give it away. We don’t need to lock our kids away from it all, but stereotypes are so pervasive and cause lots of damage to boys and girls. My view is just to accept it all is irresponsible as a parent. I am writing this strongly as I am sick of people basically “ooooh it’s all political correctness gone mad” No. No it isn’t.

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable. A recent study found gender stereotypes to be very damaging to children. We try to avoid toys that are gendered, though that can be difficult when it comes to gifts from relatives. We try to work the non-gendering approach into conversation so perhaps people understand our approach. I also run things past my partner as we make decisions together; he runs things past me too. I think we all have our different ways of parenting and working in the best interests of our children.

Well said Tumble

It’s really annoying when parents demand or ask for certain things( not you just in general) especially as presents some people like to gift as they wish we can’t control everything that relatives do it puts a damper of things and spoils the natural way a relationship should form ,I would let it go your kid might love it .

You’re bringing her up so it’s totally up to you. However I think a balance can be achieved and her still have the frozen dress. It feels a bit first baby tbh.

Get.A.Grip
Thats all🙈
Cant stand parents like this. Just let your child be. Stop trying to be different.
A princess dress fgs get a real problem🙈

Precious first born alert

I agree with you. Your decision should be respected by your relative. The way toys and clothes are gendered from birth appals me. It's so insidious and perpetuates harmful stereotypes.

Yes. You are being unreasonable.

Why have you banned princess and not other fancy dress stuff? Have a look at princess shaming. It’s funny how we always demonise the girly stuff.

@Bluntness100 - yup - more important things coming down the road - ha ha

I think if it’s a gift, then dictating what the giver can/ can’t give is a bit unreasonable unless it’s extremely inappropriate. Giving your DD a dress which she will likely love because she enjoys the Frozen film is IMO an acceptable gift. DD1 absolutely loved Thomas the tank and bob the builder when she was 2/3 and we bought all the little trains and tracks etc plus all the bob the builder vehicles. She absolutely loved them all. Equally she had a pram and baby which she loved along with Clifford the big red dog. All completely age appropriate toys. No gender bias here at all.

My 7 year old loves Frozen, mermaids, unicorns, tinker bell, barbies. She spent the morning putting together a catapult, is a good archer and athlete. You are being so precious and ridiculous it’s hard to take your post seriously. Your daughter will love what she lives regardless of your input. Don’t be so controlling. Save it for sugar.

Sorry OP I think this is quite ungrateful and you and your DH are being quite dramatic over a dress.

By loving frozen isn’t she is kind of asking for it now! Showing an interest in something that you’ve decided she shouldn’t have !! That feels more like you are pushing your views onto her than buying her the stuff in the first place.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Gender stereotyping has a huge impact on young minds. I think tumblebugsjump has it right.

I recall reading about an experiment to show how society genders kids. Adults were given toddlers dressed in either pink or blue. The participants gave the kids toys to play with with that were consistent with that child's gender. Some insisted that the kids had naturally gone for the toys related to their gender. Of course the girls were wearing blue and vice versa making a nonsense of the participants claims. It was the adults who had driven toy choice based on the sex they wrongly assumed the child to be.

Society really limits children's ambition and perspectives especially girls. I blanch when I see a tiny girl already pushing a toy pram with a baby doll in it. I wonder how many people who say oh you're making a fuss about nothing, or it does no harm would be perfectly comfortable with a little boy wearing frozen dresses publicly and being only given pink and sparkly things to play with.

My DD is the same age. A relative bought her a princess dress up outfit for Xmas

There's no chance I will be able to get her to wear it. Not a hope. She knows her own mind. Hates dressing up. It'll hang in the wardrobe probably then I'll give it away

Let the child decide. Stop being controlling and rude.

As long as your child has a range of toys whether they be pink, blue green or whatever what does it matter.

I genuinely do not understand why giving a girl a princess dress is any different to giving a boy a Thomas the tank engine.

All you woke mums frothing at the mouth over this, do you have sons? If so what do they play with? Do you avoid giving them cars, trains etc? Or is that allowed?

You are being ridiculous. It’s just a dress for goodness sake. It’s very rude to ask people what to buy or what not to buy. Be grateful they want to buy her a present. She would love the dress anyway. You will really struggle if your going to carry on being like this through her childhood. Why make issues about things that don’t even matter