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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/12/2020 09:53

I absolutely hate the obsession with pink for girls and blue for boys

I just don’t get this. What obsession? And I don’t just mean because elsas dress is blue. But there are so many colours available now. My daughter is 23 so nearly two decades since she was the ops child’s age

She had everything from teletubbies, to Ken doll to Lego, to barnie the dinosaur. None of it was pink. Yes some toys like dolls are pink and marketed to girls but there is no obsession. Choice is freely available.,

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 09:54

You clearly dont. Your son likes pink and you're finding it a struggle to allow him to have pink clothes, because they are girly and not for boys. That's not the sort of opinion any feminist I know has. I'm sure you've had no problem allowing your daughter to wear blue, because you dont see anything wrong with the colour blue but you do see something wrong with the colour pink. And that's because of misogyny; because "pink of girly and boys shouodnt be girly".

I have 2 boys. I've never felt that struggle because I'm actually a feminist and I dont allow my opinions to be driven by the patriarchy.

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2020 10:08

@Bluntness100

I absolutely hate the obsession with pink for girls and blue for boys

I just don’t get this. What obsession? And I don’t just mean because elsas dress is blue. But there are so many colours available now. My daughter is 23 so nearly two decades since she was the ops child’s age

She had everything from teletubbies, to Ken doll to Lego, to barnie the dinosaur. None of it was pink. Yes some toys like dolls are pink and marketed to girls but there is no obsession. Choice is freely available.,

Oh but there is. It's ridiculous to deny that there are a huge huge number of pink clothes and toys that are marketed as being "for girls" and a huge huge number of blue clothes and toys that are marketed as being "for boys". When I had a son I received a deluge of blue cards and blue clothes as presents. When I had a daughter, ditto but pink.

We can dress our children in whatever clothes we like, and we can give them whatever toys we like, but we are going against social "norms", and that can take courage.

I am not afraid to say that I worry about sexist bullying, but I also said that it's my issue and I will do my best not to project my worries, and I won't prevent my son from having "girly" things that he chooses.

Denying that sexist stereotypes exist, and than many of us are affected by them to some extent or another, does not actually help the feminist cause.

We have to identify the problem in order to tackle it.

Mrsjayy · 30/12/2020 10:15

My DD is nearly 23 and she loved"girly" stuff but she also loves Lego and starwars , the other DD is 28 she rejected every thing "girly" as a child it was fine she just had toys and clothes she preferred, she isn't superior to her glitter living sister though because girls liking glitter and frills doesn't make them weak.

Sirzy · 30/12/2020 10:16

Let’s remember though the only reason manufacturers make pink versions of the normal toy is because they know it will sell, and that some households are daft enough to end up buying the same again just so their second child has the “right” one.

They are only making what public show they want. If people want things to change then the obvious way is not to buy them!

RollOnForever · 30/12/2020 10:21

I am on completely the same page as AnotherEmma. Very similar situation. My DS also loves pink, sparkly etc and my own reaction to it took me by surprise and caused me to reflect. My feminism has been a journey (sorry for that phrase) and this was part of it. I fully hope to continue learning and reflecting on the many ways the patriarchy has influenced my life and continues to do so. I don't claim to think that I have conquered that yet, and probably never will. I think it's quite conceited to think that you have completely overcome the patriarchy in your parenting choices.

My own take on feminism is that every is a misogynist due to the society we live in. Feminists are those who recognise misogyny and it's effects in themselves and others and choose to fight it. Misogynists are those who either don't recognise it, don't care, or perpetuate it. That's my own view anyway.

RollOnForever · 30/12/2020 10:22

Sorry for typos and grammar.

Everyone.
Its.

sonicbook · 30/12/2020 10:24

@XmasBelle

Let it go
🤣🤣🤣
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 10:25

Ah ok, so those of us who actually dont think twice about letting our sons wear pink or braid their hair are actually the misogynist? And the ones buying the pink tops whilst intetsnnly cringing and thinking "but this is for girls" are actually the enlightened? Ok then.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 10:25

*internally

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2020 10:28

@RollOnForever

I am on completely the same page as AnotherEmma. Very similar situation. My DS also loves pink, sparkly etc and my own reaction to it took me by surprise and caused me to reflect. My feminism has been a journey (sorry for that phrase) and this was part of it. I fully hope to continue learning and reflecting on the many ways the patriarchy has influenced my life and continues to do so. I don't claim to think that I have conquered that yet, and probably never will. I think it's quite conceited to think that you have completely overcome the patriarchy in your parenting choices.

My own take on feminism is that every is a misogynist due to the society we live in. Feminists are those who recognise misogyny and it's effects in themselves and others and choose to fight it. Misogynists are those who either don't recognise it, don't care, or perpetuate it. That's my own view anyway.

Thank you. Well put, you've explained it better than I have done. Agree with every word!
RollOnForever · 30/12/2020 10:29

WhereverIgoddamlike that's not even remotely what I said. However I'm obviously not as good at feminism-ing as you. Must try harder.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 10:30

I recognise it. I point it out and tell people to keep their opinions away from my kids when they say anything. I just dont actually care what colours my kids choose or what toys they play with. It does not factor into my decision making. There is no wobbling or second guessing or having to convince myself that it is acceptable. But I was brought up the same way; both my parents just didnt care about it and didnt assign any sort of "girly" or "tomboy" labels so I guess i'm second generation of not giving a toss what colour people wear. I'm also a business owner, and a single parent so in my immediate life I dont have any men in charge of anything or any men trying to be in charge of anything.

In the world, yes. Everyday sexism, yes. But in my own home? No. And that does make me a misogynist and you the enlightened.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 10:30

*doesn't

SendHelp30 · 30/12/2020 10:31

Oh Christ another try hard “my child has a vagina therefore is not allowed any pink plastic” Mother

SendHelp30 · 30/12/2020 10:32

I imagine you’d be the type of mother actively encouraging the frozen dress if your DC was a boy 🙄 it’s so cringe and try hard I’m embarrassed for you

Why can’t people choose their own gifts?

PandemicPavolova · 30/12/2020 10:33

I just can't imagine having to run by my dh, a descion on whether dd has a frozen dress 😂😂😂😂.

The fairy tale phase, dress up a has so much more too it than a dress.
Both my girls had full access to all sorts of toys without a murmur of girls or boys, it was never mentioned. The climbed trees in beautiful princess dresses, hated pink (I love all coulor that never came from me) I've let them be, brought then baby dolls, they never took too Brought other stuff they did.
They much prefer animals. That's solely their choices... I hate this idea of controlling to such a degree

ThePlantsitter · 30/12/2020 11:08

I imagine you’d be the type of mother actively encouraging the frozen dress if your DC was a boy 🙄 it’s so cringe and try hard I’m embarrassed for you

So you're embarrassed for the OP about something you imagine she'd do. What creative bullying.

LuaDipa · 30/12/2020 11:23

If dd would love the dress why would you not let her have it? My ds had a doll and pram when he was small as well as his trains and dinosaurs, and dd had a load of toy cars that she loved even though she was a pink princess loving little girl. Kids like what they like.

If it will put your mind at ease, my little pink princess will currently only wear black baggy clothing, the scruffier the better, and hates brushing her hair. My ds on the other hand is constantly preening himself. Let them be themselves.

MustardMitt · 30/12/2020 11:46

Bet if daughter was a son it would be fine to have an Elsa dress

WankPuffins · 30/12/2020 12:04

Why do people get so her up about this?

For what it's worth, I've had a girl and a boy. Despite not giving a shit what they want to play with or forcing any thing on them, the boy only wanted cars, trains and Bob the builder and my girls room currently looks like an explosion in Claires Accessories that a unicorn vomited over.

My boy wouldn't touch anything other than cars and trucks when he was little, no matter how many toys of all kinds there were to play with.

These days it seems like there is something wrong with a child who likes stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things. Why can't they just be who the want, even if that is a stereotype?

SendHelp30 · 30/12/2020 12:15

@ThePlantsitter

I imagine you’d be the type of mother actively encouraging the frozen dress if your DC was a boy 🙄 it’s so cringe and try hard I’m embarrassed for you

So you're embarrassed for the OP about something you imagine she'd do. What creative bullying.

No, I’m embarrassed that she’s so desperate to be “woke” that she’s refusing her daughter to play dress up as her favourite character. Nice try though.
SendHelp30 · 30/12/2020 12:17

@WankPuffins same here. My boys love dinosaurs and trains and cars and my daughter loves dolls & mermaids. She is also a huge Lego fan.
Daren’t admit that on every thread or we will be accused of forcing gender stereotypes on them.

WankPuffins · 30/12/2020 12:30

@SendHelp30 oh I get accused of that by my SIL! She was always buying ds dolls. They went uiplayed with. He had no interest in a doll unless it was Spider-Man or Batman (actually, once she was playing with him and was trying to get him to play with a barbie. Ds started to pretend it was Batman's girlfriend and pretended that Batman was phoning her to ask her to order a pizza for when he got home. he was about 3, SIL was horrified Grin).

He had a toy kitchen, again not touched despite his dad being the one who was an excellent cook so always did the cooking. Ds was only interested when I put it in the garden and he could cover it in mud and army figures.

She now keeps buying dd toy tool kits and mechanical sets. Dd will build mechanical stuff but is far more interested in glittery stationary, pens and make up (she's 6).

They are who they are.

midsummabreak · 30/12/2020 12:41

The old nature versus nurture. ..bit of both, .yep they are who they are, but they are also shaped by their environment.