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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

184 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 14:00

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs Confused and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 19:33

Daydrambeliever

Thank you

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 30/12/2020 19:37

Just send it straight to a trust fund for the DC. When they get to 18/21 whatever give them their share of it.

Littlepaws18 · 30/12/2020 19:43

Put it in a savings account and give it to your children when they are 18. Or put it in a savings account and go on a family holiday when they are 18. Don't let him work out of paying.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/12/2020 19:49

It's despicable that men (mostly men) get away with this shit

I agree, There are also lots of resident parents that don’t financially support their children as well, the state and other tax payers do.

There should be harsh sanctions for parents, whether male or female, resident or not, for failure to financially support their children themselves, May make some step up, some may think twice before having them etc then.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 20:06

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Hope that little gem isn’t aimed at me, you know nothing about me or my life.

OP posts:
CCC1 · 30/12/2020 20:14

I'd send him a fucking thank you note EVERY fucking week (and take a picture of it).

“Thanks for supporting your four children so they can keep a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, clothing, heating and other normal expenses.

This week I spent your £7 on ...(detail... eg two bottles of milk and 3 chicken breasts ).

I am certain they will thank you for your weekly contribution when they’re grown.”

Fucker. I’d take it every week and remind him every week.

NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 20:20

£7 a week is bad OP. It is what it is. I don’t know of anyone personally who gets £364 per month if I’m honest.

I would stick with CMS firstly because it’s the principle and secondly if your ex gets a job and you cancel you won’t get anything!

Put the £7 in a separate account and use it for a Christmas fund or something!

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2020 20:26

There are also lots of resident parents that don’t financially support their children as well, the state and other tax payers do.

Yawn. At least the money actually goes on the children though. Once the money goes to them it’s their money, so they do provide for their children.

Lots of resident parents are claiming benefits because they have no choice for a whole host of reasons.

As one example: Some have fled a bad relationship and are starting from scratch and they can’t live off thin air.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 20:31

Well exactly, if these absent dead beat dads actually looked after their kids then maybe more mums would be able to work? My two oldest children have autism so I gave up work to care for them, put it this way I had no choice when my daughter was being illegally excluded every 5 minutes, I had no one else to pick her up or take care of her whilst I work, my ex was nowhere to be seen, he’s never done a school run. this is nothing to do with claiming benefits so start your own thread and rant about people having kids and not working. This is to do with the pennies my ex pays and why it’s worth continuing to claim then when it pays for nothing and makes him feel he is contributing.

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 30/12/2020 20:35

Pages of people telling you to keep the claim and your real life friends and family telling you the same. But you don't want to. So don't. But if your kids are anything like everyone else they will be as perplexed as to why you didn't.

But it's your life, just do what you want without validation.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 30/12/2020 20:35

@funinthesun19

There are also lots of resident parents that don’t financially support their children as well, the state and other tax payers do.

Yawn. At least the money actually goes on the children though. Once the money goes to them it’s their money, so they do provide for their children.

Lots of resident parents are claiming benefits because they have no choice for a whole host of reasons.

As one example: Some have fled a bad relationship and are starting from scratch and they can’t live off thin air.

Well quite. But let's not allow the truth to get in the way of a benefit bash!
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 20:39

@Givemeabreak88

Well exactly, if these absent dead beat dads actually looked after their kids then maybe more mums would be able to work? My two oldest children have autism so I gave up work to care for them, put it this way I had no choice when my daughter was being illegally excluded every 5 minutes, I had no one else to pick her up or take care of her whilst I work, my ex was nowhere to be seen, he’s never done a school run. this is nothing to do with claiming benefits so start your own thread and rant about people having kids and not working. This is to do with the pennies my ex pays and why it’s worth continuing to claim then when it pays for nothing and makes him feel he is contributing.
Please don't feel forced to explain your life to anyone on here OP.
Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2020 20:40

This is one of those threads where the father is despicable and the OP is totally unreasonable.

The logic of - "oh well, he doesn't pay enough so I won't take any" absolutely fails me.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 20:40

An0n0n0n

No not at all, my mum said she never claimed? I did post that, I asked her why, and she said it was £5 so it wasn’t worth it. I’ve never cared or wondered why she didn’t claim £5 for me, I had savings from her and we didn’t want for nothing growing up and she also paid for my driving lessons when I turned 17, I’ve never sat there and thought “why on earth didn’t my mum claim that £5”

OP posts:
rawlikesushi · 30/12/2020 20:44

It's free money that probably pisses him off, and might buy you or the kids something worthwhile one day.

CastleCrasher · 30/12/2020 21:24

It's a crap amount, but if your train for cancelling is so that he can't say that he paid, then it simply won't work. If he's that type, he will still create the narrative that suits him. Eg "I paid and would have continued to pay but she wouldn't take it. She let the children do without because she thought she was too good to take my money". Don't let him dictate your choices. Claim or don't, but make the choice thinking about you and the DC, not him.

EspressoExpresso · 30/12/2020 22:01

I'd keep claiming it as that £7 deduction will be a weekly reminder to him of how he's failed his children. One day he might just grow a conscience.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 30/12/2020 22:06

I haven't yet claimed for my children, and I would ostensibly get hundreds per month. I don't want to be financially abused by him again, using cm as a reason for him to do or not do x, y and z.

So I haven't claimed and am not sure if I will. Maybe after we are divorced.

I understand wanting to cut ties completely, and not feeling beholden to someone.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 22:16

Thank you for understanding, I guess people don’t get what I’m saying in that I would claim it if it seemed worth it hence why I said if it was hundreds it would seem worth the hassle and would hurt him to have to pay that out but £7? That doesn’t hurt him it’s a packet of cigarettes to him and it’s not worth him stating that he supported them. He can claim that he tried but taking someone to cm and making them pay isn’t trying. It’s being forced.

OP posts:
NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 22:17

@MeMarmiteYouJam us women should stick together and set the bar. CMS do all the liaising for you. It’s a matter of principle why should you pay solely even if you are in a position to why an earth should you?

Nonamesavail · 30/12/2020 22:18

I cancelled mine years ago and I regret it now should have just saved it for my son.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 30/12/2020 22:26

[quote NYNY211]@MeMarmiteYouJam us women should stick together and set the bar. CMS do all the liaising for you. It’s a matter of principle why should you pay solely even if you are in a position to why an earth should you?[/quote]
Yes, I get that, but I have gone through the hell of being abused by my children's father in myriad ways, and the family court system has battered me, it's just very, very tiring to even consider the prospect of starting another "war" with him on another front.

But sometimes my anger overrides my fear. He bloody well should pay to help raise his children, of course he should. All fathers should. The system is unreliable and crap, though. I think he'll probably weasel out of it and do I have the energy to fight him? What is my energy worth? I value that more than money.

NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 22:32

Yes I understand that. It’s not a court process nothing of the sort. Personally I can’t afford to be down over £200 a month, plus I travel with DS often (normal times). It was stressful at first but going through CMS is one of the best things I ever did.

Maybe once your in a Breyer place you will change your mind.

NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 22:32

Better*

MeMarmiteYouJam · 30/12/2020 22:34

Thank you, I'll think about it for sure.