Child maintenance

[Givemeabreak88]

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

Ok you seem to have made your mind up

I think it’s daft to stop. He might work or have money in the future, it gives him the chance to say he tried and you refused, there’s no sensible reason to refuse it however small, it could pay for a takeaway, or Netflix/Disney etc

The only reason to refuse it is stubbornness. You crack on if it makes you feel better

Tbh I would rather hold my head high and say I did it all alone without anything

That’s great if your salary stretches to cover yourself and four children and you really don’t need any financial assistance. However you could save it in their accounts and just let it build up. They may want to do abroad trips when they get to secondary etc and could use for that.

look, you asked and lots of people have told you YABU but you're not interested in seeing it any other way. Not one single person will tell you you should be grateful or he's doing what he can or anything else, or that £300 odd quid a year is "good". But its £300 that will pay for one tangible thing a year, or one a month for a takeaway or whatever. Your kids WILL know one day and WILL appreciate that you did it all and his token contribution was just that but there is literally no sense AT ALL in refusing

I'm not in your situation but I can absolutely see why you feel the way you do. Like taking the higher ground and taking him out of your life. I get it.
If it makes you feel better it's worth more than 7 quid a month.

Not sure the point of this thread?

OP - AIBU?

Everyone - Yes

OP - No I'm not.

Well actually the poll is a little more 50/50 seems most people don’t want to comment that agree with me
Though

SpiderinaWingMirror

Thank you yes that’s it really, I just don’t get the whole you must claim it no matter what even if it’s 17p. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it! And I can’t imagine many kids grow up being angry at their mum for not claiming £7 when they were a child

Again, I'd say keep it open and save it. If he ever does get a job, it will save time too to reopen.

I never bothered to open a new case when transitioning from CSA to CMS. My ex had a £0 assessment, despite his self employment and his ability to,purchase property abroad. It has made a huge difference to my peace of mind. I do it all myself, there is no ambiguity, no ‘but I paid what I:could’. No need for me to chase the CMS to do its job. No frustration that the system isn’t working. It’s just me and very proud I am too! My kids see him regularly and the are very clear which side their bread is buttered.

I've never claimed from DS's 'father'. He's had no involvement in his life whatsoever (his choice). I've managed to do it all on my own and DS doesn't want for anything. The mental stress of trying to get money out of him just wasn't worth it for me.

Isthatitnow
Thank you nice to hear from someone who doesn’t claim, that’s how I feel I don’t want my ex to turn around and say “well I did pay for you!” When in reality he didn’t because it pays for nothing maybe a packet of crisps and a drink after the park, I do everything else, he is absent. Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion but I think if your ex is absent why take money from them? If they don’t want nothing to do with their kids why force them to pay.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want the money. My abusive ex didn't pay anything for almost a year due to "priority debts" and it was only £7 a week anyway so I thought why am
I even doing this? It just felt like I would never be able to get away from him with this link. (He doesn't see my daughter anymore after hurting her, so the money was the only real power/ link he had)

In the end I thought screw it, he deserves the stress of having the cms after him for the grand in arrears. He did eventually get a job and it's now up to £140 a month. I'm not expecting it to last long, as he always gets sacked, but he deserves this. And the more in arrears he is the more I can fight his claims that he always provides for her. If he ever agrees to finally leave us alone for good though I'll stop the claim though. I'd much rather never have to see or think about him ever again.

I would put it into an account for each child and it will pay for driving lessons, and maybe towards a car, in the future.

Mia1415

It’s definitely affecting my mental health, it’s a constant reminder to me how he gets away with it all, it’s like a slap in the face, like he is giving us his pocket change.

@Givemeabreak88

SpiderinaWingMirror

Thank you yes that’s it really, I just don’t get the whole you must claim it no matter what even if it’s 17p. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it! And I can’t imagine many kids grow up being angry at their mum for not claiming £7 when they were a child

I’m NC for a variety of reasons, one of the main ones being the adult thinking it was ok to not work and opt out of the financial responsibilities so you don’t know what their thoughts will be on it.

That’s an insulting amount. I can see why you wouldn’t want it.

Keep receiving it, direct it straight to a savings account, and leave it there. When they are all grown you can have the pleasure of saying to your children - here is all the money your father contributed to your care over the years.

TWillow I completely agree with you

Well I doubt my children will go nc with me because I didn’t claim £1.75 per child a week, that would be extreme. I doubt anyone even asks their parents if the other parent paid maintenance? I only asked my mum when it came to claiming it myself I asked her why she never claimed.

Twillow

Really? Even if I did that I wouldn’t want them to be grateful to him? It was forced out of his benefits.

Outrageous that any debt can be priority over your children!

@Givemeabreak88

Well I doubt my children will go nc with me because I didn’t claim £1.75 per child a week, that would be extreme. I doubt anyone even asks their parents if the other parent paid maintenance? I only asked my mum when it came to claiming it myself I asked her why she never claimed.

They don’t need to ask in reality, if a parent isn’t working then unless they have a trust fund or huge savings then they aren’t going to be financially contributing.

Op you’re being stubborn and petty.

You said earlier you’d claim if it were more money, so don’t go making out it’s now a point of principle not to claim. You’re angry about the value (ok it’s shit) and throwing your toys out over it.

I saved this from when I done some digging about priority debts and this is this the list of debts that come before cm, so cm doesn’t even think it’s a priority 🤦‍♀️

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