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Original poster

Child maintenance

184 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 14:00

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs Confused and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 19:26

I just dont have the energy to push with the house thing, at one point he told me he was getting 2 grand a month so “why would I work, I get the same amount as my friends that do” that’s when he was renting out all 3 rooms, I told cms but they firstly told me it was illegal and he wasn’t allowed to rent out his rooms, I’ve since found out that isn’t true. Then they told me if I suspected it all I could do was report to hmrc, so I wouldn’t actually see any of the money anyway. It’s all cash in hand and he would just deny it.

OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 29/12/2020 19:31

@Givemeabreak88

And some people get £364 a month! I don’t get the trying to make out it’s not that bad, and it’s not “nothing” it’s £1.75 per child per week, why make out like that’s ok? I would rather have nothing. I just don’t get this whole claim it no matter what and I should see it as a good thing really? It’s still divided by 4 so it’s actually £91 a year per child.
That's still £91 a year into savings. Over 10nyears that would at least give them. £910. Not oodles. But better than nothing.
Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/12/2020 19:51

Hi OP, I wouldn't want it either - I don't understand how CMS works but if cancelling was an option then I would. My DD is 23 and her father hasn't paid a penny maintenance, ever, and hasn't seen her since she was six. He lives overseas so CMS wasn't an option. I am glad that I look back and know that he's had zero part in her financial welfare. It makes me feel that I don't owe him anything.

Aliceinunderland · 29/12/2020 20:03

@Givemeabreak88
Oh yes, I'm so pathetic to not care about £52 a year WinkI knew he was working on the side and claiming benefits illegally but honestly it was so freeing to end the claim and never have to have another insulting letter from cms again!

MorganKitten · 29/12/2020 20:10

@Givemeabreak88

And some people get £364 a month! I don’t get the trying to make out it’s not that bad, and it’s not “nothing” it’s £1.75 per child per week, why make out like that’s ok? I would rather have nothing. I just don’t get this whole claim it no matter what and I should see it as a good thing really? It’s still divided by 4 so it’s actually £91 a year per child.
Put it in to the children’s savings account, that way it can sit there and you don’t have to see it.
MorganKitten · 29/12/2020 20:12

@Givemeabreak88

And some people get £364 a month! I don’t get the trying to make out it’s not that bad, and it’s not “nothing” it’s £1.75 per child per week, why make out like that’s ok? I would rather have nothing. I just don’t get this whole claim it no matter what and I should see it as a good thing really? It’s still divided by 4 so it’s actually £91 a year per child.
Put it in to the children’s savings account, that way it can sit there and you don’t have to see it.
Loodally · 29/12/2020 20:13

I'm in a similar position with an ex who refuses to work because of "her (me) and her fucking child maintenance claim"
He hasn't worked for over 3 years so I receive around £28 every 4 weeks, for our twins, which has to be taken directly from his benefits. He refused to pay me voluntarily.

I've also felt like closing the claim but, he is/was an abusive bastard. He isn't legally allowed contact with our children, he owes me £1000's from when we were together and he is also in 2k of child maintenance arrears.

I know for a fact that it will piss him off every time he receives his benefits and sees that the CM has been deducted.
He's useless with money and will really resent that £30 being taken from him by me.
Basically, it's my "fuck you" to him and I won't drop the case, simply because he has a legal obligation to support his children.

rawlikesushi · 29/12/2020 23:47

Well I have a policy of not turning down free money so I'd take it.

I'd also keep the claim going just to spite him - he'll think he's finally worn you down and won when you stop it.

There will also be things he can't do for fear of the amount increasing, so a bit of an inconvenience for him too.

As pp have said, just set up a SO and save it. £350 x 10 years is driving lessons, or a nice holiday, or a little lump sum towards uni expenses.

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2020 00:01

Basically, it's my "fuck you" to him and I won't drop the case, simply because he has a legal obligation to support his children.

This would be my thinking.

OP, you children are NEVER going to think that the £800 they get at 18 is equivalent to anything you’ve earned, paid or saved for them. And that’s not even thinking about the emotional input.

Cancelling it just lets him win. That’s what I’d think.

Save it in a separate account in your name.
Save the same exact amount from your earnings in your children’s names.

Pay your kids at 18 from you.
And then take his ‘contributions’ and spend it on something utterly fucking unnecessary. Take it down the pub and treat the whole bar - whatever.

But take his cash because he’s a bastard and why shouldn’t you?

lyralalala · 30/12/2020 00:08

Basically, it's my "fuck you" to him and I won't drop the case, simply because he has a legal obligation to support his children.

I have a friend who takes it for the same “fuck you” reason.

She has it go into an account she doesn’t use for anything else except a DD to a charity he would hate. The DD is for the exact amount of his maintenance. Every month it’s like a double fuck you.

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2020 00:13

@lyralalala

Basically, it's my "fuck you" to him and I won't drop the case, simply because he has a legal obligation to support his children.

I have a friend who takes it for the same “fuck you” reason.

She has it go into an account she doesn’t use for anything else except a DD to a charity he would hate. The DD is for the exact amount of his maintenance. Every month it’s like a double fuck you.

Ooh. That’s good.

If you don’t need it and you’re sure you won’t need it, do that.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 30/12/2020 00:13

My sister’s partner was similar. Only worked part time retail for years and years, if he worked at all. Paid a pittance in maintenance to his ex. Got a full time job when his child with ex turned 18 Hmm

Id just out it on kids bank. No way id let him keep it.

nancybotwinbloom · 30/12/2020 00:30

My ex earns £120k a year. I get £28 a month for our daughter.
I will never let it go. He owes her £10k.

I will be a thorn in his side forever. Why should he not support her. I am lucky I don't need it but why should he not support her?

If he ever pays it will be for her for her future.

It infuriates me that these dickhead men are not made accountable. Yet women are slagged out for being single mums. Have to find the childcare. Have to put their careers on hold (if they even get tuner far) because laws are not in place ref this.

nancybotwinbloom · 30/12/2020 00:31

Ever not tuner

AJGranny · 30/12/2020 00:44

I understand your reasoning OP and had a similar experience. I didn't take the money and his existence has all but slipped from my mind. Seeing that pittance every week/month would be a constant reminder of the fucking piss take.

rawlikesushi · 30/12/2020 06:58

I think I'd quite enjoy giving my child £1000 on their 18th and telling them that that's what their dad paid for their upkeep, in entirety, across their whole lifetime, at a rate of £1.70 per month. I expect they'll be appalled if he's weaselled his way into their lives by then. If he's nowhere to be seen, then it's a gift from you.

ElizaLaLa · 30/12/2020 07:12

Your argument of doing it alone without his contribution is bollocks, because he's willing to pay it. YOU will be stopping him from doing so.

Just have it go into four accounts on the day you receive it and let it build up then give it to the kids later.

MrsPworkingmummy · 30/12/2020 07:22

Op, why did you have children with this waste of space in the first place? No job, long standing mental health issues and a crap dad. What a waster! I feel sorry for your kids.

For the sake of your children, I'd keep the money and save it up then give each child their share when they reach 18 or 21. I certainly wouldn't be showing them bank statements to prove he only gave £7. Sounds very bitter and unhealthy.

Or, you could put the responsibility on him and ask him to open bank accounts in the children's names and save the money for them himself.

sandgrown · 30/12/2020 07:52

I had a friend who only got the minimum from her ex for years as he worked on the side . He also owed arrears of CM. Then he came into a substantial sum of money . I think he was so scared CMS might come after him he immediately gave his daughter a large lump sum .My friend just saw it as payback for the years of non payment but it helped her daughter onto the property ladder . Even If I won the lottery I would still make my ex pay child maintenance. It does not give him a hold over you . Just put the money in a separate account and forget it .

lyralalala · 30/12/2020 08:15

@MrsPworkingmummy

Op, why did you have children with this waste of space in the first place? No job, long standing mental health issues and a crap dad. What a waster! I feel sorry for your kids.

For the sake of your children, I'd keep the money and save it up then give each child their share when they reach 18 or 21. I certainly wouldn't be showing them bank statements to prove he only gave £7. Sounds very bitter and unhealthy.

Or, you could put the responsibility on him and ask him to open bank accounts in the children's names and save the money for them himself.

How is that remotely fucking helpful?

You do realise that people develop mental health issues? Would you say the same to someone whose ex developed physical injuries and became unable to work?

Your parents obviously missed out teaching you manners

ElizaLaLa · 30/12/2020 08:32

It's true though. She begrudge people that get 500pw but maybe she should have chose a man in a better position to get babied up by.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/12/2020 08:42

@ElizaLaLa

Your argument of doing it alone without his contribution is bollocks, because he's willing to pay it. YOU will be stopping him from doing so.

Just have it go into four accounts on the day you receive it and let it build up then give it to the kids later.

Highly unlikely with four children the OP is doing it all by herself as that would take a large salary so it’s likely there will be state help rendering that argument useless as it’s not the OP providing everything financially. Therefore refusing his contribution is pointless if that’s the case.
Warsawa31 · 30/12/2020 09:10

Personally 7 quid a week over 18 years or however many years will be a few grand - if the kids want to learn to drive / have a holiday put it in savings.

It's obviously a pathetic amount but to just stop it won't do anything ?

Did he suddenly get much worse over the course of 4 kids ? Just wondering if this is the always the way he was and if so did you expect anything else ? Not a dig just wondering

RedHelenB · 30/12/2020 09:15

Do what makes you feel best.

SteelMack · 30/12/2020 09:21

How old are your children OP?