Child maintenance

[Givemeabreak88]

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

@Givemeabreak88

Mia1415

It’s definitely affecting my mental health, it’s a constant reminder to me how he gets away with it all, it’s like a slap in the face, like he is giving us his pocket change.

Open a separate account, one with a new bank that you don't even have to look at, change the payment details and forget about it.

Why do you need to hear from other that don't claim it?

Why do you want to reward him for being an arsehole? Surely you don’t want to give him exactly what he’s after at the expense of your children? It’s really their money!

I understand what you mean OP. Every time I get cm I get angry and it's not a pittance like £7.

£7 is a slap in the face and in your shoes I would not accept it. It's nice to be able and willing to do it all yourself. Fuck the peoples mentality who say it must be claimed.

Who says you have to claim cm? I never did for child no 1 who is now 21. I accept £180 pm for child no 2 only because my ex husband owes me money and l actually am counting that down against that debt. When it gets to £0, I will stop accepting the money. I don't care what anyone else thinks. It pisses me off every time it hits my account.

There is more to life than an extra bit of money, pride that you do it all yourself and pride that you don't have to accept his and the government's slap in the face.

My answer would be the same if an earning non resident parent paid, for instance instance £200 pm but earned thousands. I would not accept their token payment if I could afford not to. It like letting them have a hold over you, no way.

And to all those willing to accept token payments, fine, everyone is an individual and has their own opinion. However the op knows how that money makes her feel. What is £364 a year in exchange for her peace of mind? Op you can make back that £364 by selling your unwanted items on eBay and Facebook.

OP, as you know, £7 is a pitiful amount and he is a waste of space. I can see the argument for cancelling the payment and forgetting about him entirely. I think I would probably do the same as you have suggested.

flirtygirl thank you I’m glad you understand what it’s like! It’s so disrespectful, seeing it come into my account just fills me with rage. I think I would feel a lot happier just letting it go.

No its not a lot and wrong that he isn't paying
But why not just claim it and save for kids for several years then at least it may be a couple hundred towards driving lessons etc etc
If you cancel he will say he tried paying but you refused it and he will have £7 a week more to spend on himself

Mine goes into a separate account so I don't have to look at it

if I reported him he would know it was me (he always said if he ever got reported he would know it was me) so not worth any repercussions.

What repercussions? He’s an absent father, isn’t he?

Open a new bank account for the £7 a week. Don’t ever look at it, just let it build up. Then someday, blow it all on something for the kids. M

Or cancel it if you want to, but still open that separate bank account and transfer £7 a week into it, so you can blow it one day.

I’d still claim it, out of principle. Not touch it at until it stops, let it add up and take a holiday with the children at the end or divide it between the four of them.

He probably my begrudges paying even that low amount, so I’d still claim it personally.

I cancelled my claim for cms when they wrote to me to tell me my exH would be paying £1 a week for our child. When I rang to cancel, they asked if I wanted to write off the debt of £400 something and I agreed. He refused to see our son. I asked them to pass on the message that I'd cancelled the claim and would rather he actually had a relationship with our child but we never heard anything more. Yes it adds up if you save it over many many years but honestly what is the point? I needed to let it go for my own sanity and from that point on, I never got upset or angry that he walked away from his responsibilities as it was my choice to close it. I hear you OP I'd say do what is right for you. Your children won't miss out either way. Mine didn't and he's a lovely, well adjusted 17 year old now.

I totally understand your thinking and totally agree. My ex doesnt pay cm for ds, if i pursued id be awarded the minimum amount even though i know ex has other "income" coming in. I wont chase for it, he doesnt want to support his ds and if forced to pay minimum he would have the cheek to claim he "financially supported" ds. As far as im concerned it says everything about him when he doesnt volunteer financial support or has no desire to feel pride in providing for ds..

@Givemeabreak88

Your being selfish and not acting in the best interests of your children.

£7 makes no difference to their lives, funny how I’m being selfish but the father isn’t 🙄

£1.75 x 4 x 12 month x 10 years, If the youngest is 8. Would be more if they are younger.

£3640 MINIMUM

You are depriving them of:

• a holiday
• driving lessons
• £800 each when they turn 18
• £800 towards legal fees when they buy a property
• £800 each towards their first car

The list is endless.

Not a single person on this thread has said what he pays is reasonable.

What is unreasonable is you being unable to separate the feelings of anger you have for their father over their best interests. It's pathetic

He probably my begrudges paying even that low amount, so I’d still claim it personally

This is why I wouldn't cancel it. He sounds like the sort of git that would think he's won and be really happy that you cancelled.

I wouldn't let him win!

Exactly, he’s not giving it because he is willing, it’s being forcefully taken so he can claim he tried to pay all he wanted but he didn’t, it was taken out of his benefits he had no choice. I doubt my children are going to be that naive to believe him, cms collect and pay is when they’ve had to force the money off him. So he can never claim he tried to pay. He was always forced. Children aren’t stupid.

Aliceinunderland £1?! How wrong of you not to claim it, that would be £52 a year! 😏🤦‍♀️ 🙄 (Hope people can see how ridiculous it sounds to tell someone that )

@waitinggame108...bit below the belt saying op is being pathetic...

Call me pathetic all you want, I can put the £7 away myself it literally won’t impact their life style.

CantBeAssed thank you people get weirdly angry about it, my ex is the pathetic one for paying £7 a week for 4 kids. Yet I’m called pathetic?

Before you cancel it, do as PP suggested and open a separate account just for it so it’s not constantly in your face. That might change how you feel about it.

Do that for a year then review

Your situation may be slightly different as you say your ex has MH issues but generally men staying on benefits simply so they can avoid paying for their kids hurts them too. Their income stays low ( I appreciate this may not apply to you), their standard of living stays low and it impacts on them in retirement. So if they want to be dicks about it, let them suffer some consequences too. Think of it as petty revenge.

I meant to add that you can apply for a variation based on unearned income. It's not easy to prove, but not impossible either.

It's surely worth trying that before giving up?

2 lodgers in central London could be over £1000 per month, so CMS of approx £200 pcm.

I would keep pushing just to annoy him if nothing else.

And yes, report to HMRC.

It obvious that unless you have personally been in the situation you are in you cant begin to imagine how you would feel. It is bloody insulting..we spend hundreds/thousands of pounds providing for our children, we do without ourselves and we are meant to be happy when given crumbs, and the crumbs given are not even given with grace. Your kids are worth a lot more than begrudged crumbs...tell him to shove his 7quid up his arse!

It is disrespectful and I get it's a reminder so get it paid into a separate account, forget about it for years and then in 10 years use it to pay for a holiday.

That isnt him paying for a holiday, its your money management that will have paid for it.

I dont think anyone thinks OP should be happy with the crumbs, but telling him to shove them up his arse won't make him feel bad. He'll just be happy he doesn't have to pay at all.

@heckypeck..maybe it wont make him feel bad but i'd say op will feel a lot better for it

Maybe. I'm more on for justice (vengeance!)